Saturday, December 31, 2016

I am overflowing with words I do not have.

but it is absolutely ok to ask about it; rather than wait for me to tell you; but i do not know when to ask; which could be more embarrassing; sometimes i don't know if you are purposely speaking that language just to piss me off and to see my reaction. 

Friday, December 30, 2016

Thursday, December 29, 2016

Nothing is permanent. Anger passes. Stupidity is usually temporary. And even the best things in life can’t last forever.

then i am thinking;
he is with them;
why is he still think about me;
in a total reverse role;
i would be the same;
the lust;
the desire;
the feeling;
all this will not stop;
even for me;
he is not feeling more with me compared to them;
it is totally different feeling altogether;
beyond comparison;
beyond reason;
in the verge of lust and desire;

which i wonder;

is there ever love?

real love?

Friday, December 23, 2016

Know that in this world there is somebody who will always love you.

because i do not feel that i am entitle to; who am i to you? because it is none of my business; because you will choose her over me anyway; because in the end you will walk away; because because because; i have endless list of reasons; but none of it you would want to hear; because you will not be able to handle the truth; i am always too self-conscious; afraid that a move i make will be a mistake; never say always and never say never; i wish to be more open with you; you have no freaking idea; how can i not worry about you when the one only thing i want to do is worry about you.

Thursday, December 22, 2016

We almost always forgive those we understand.

im glad we did it; you called at 2000; not a minute more; not a minute less; you dress with a coat; food prepared nicely; candles lit; red wine; so was i; black dress; simple food; merlot 2012; we had a brief eating session on the dining table; some music; then we move to the bed; mainly talk about things we normally dare not talk about; only now i know it has been going on since 2013; i want to believe that it is not a revenge; because you say you did not like it; i guess a feeling to share your loved one with someone can be overwhelming but she continue to; just because he is more tender and giving her more attention; he is not even attractive; it is no rocket science; obviously she just need your attention; and you need your space; simple compromise; you said you both can keep going but you do not know if this neutral mode can last; she also the type that think about other and the harmony; perhaps you wish she can share more; i even ask you if you can turn back time; but you said life is a trade off; you get some good stuff by losing some stuff; you wont turn around any event in your life because you feel your life has been something you want to keep up until now; you also say even if you get to turn it around you will not be sure it will be better off or worse off; i throw you whole lot other questions which we already know the answer to; you like my smiling and you ask me not to change that; you said i am good for you because from me you learn how to talk to her better; but you do not see yourself beneficial for me; you are not me; you do not see it but i do; and i hear the song only i hear; you say i am still too hard on myself and cautious; i should ask if i want to know; but i think too much; because you did not ask to; you are much simpler; i always bottle up; overthink about how you would feel; but i wish not know about how you spending great time with her or looking at your photo with her; it does not do anything for me but only makes me sad; because i am feeling so much for you; i shared my stories about other guys too; you feel relief because none of it work out; nevertheless if any of it does you will have to learn how to cope with it; which i have been doing for long; because you already belong to someone else; i am egoistic and selfish too; i can't bear the fact that you are hers; but i cant change that; you say she would has to be the one to do it herself, to stop seeing that guy; you will not ask her to do so; in a small way you glad she did not stop that she continue so you can still see me; but that hurts even more knowing that the day might come without any warning or any sign; because i am not the one that is constantly checking what you will say even i want to know; there is still this thin invisible line we tend not to cross; it is bad enough that you are not mine; i still do not understand why would a couple swing if they are happy with each other; out of boredom? excitement? and you feel that i ask some questions with a neutral perspective as if i am a therapist; rather out of curiosity of you that i genuinely want to know; but somehow how can i ask question only about you without involving her; she has been part of your life for twenty odd years; that is not something you can just simply say no to; you say you cant have emotions with many people; you talk to her and to me; will that be a big struggle; we may talk about different things; but still; and yet; when you say you will always love me because i am me and tell me numerous time "i love you" because you are feeling that way; but how am i supposed to feel while you are saying you love me but you love her too; i am selfish; i want you just for me; all by myself; but it can not be; and we both know it; i was also telling you this relationship that we have is special; i am not your wife and we do not have the luxury of time to play guessing game; if anything i would rather you ask me if i want you to share and vice versa; rest assured if i am your wife; i could most probably end up the same demand as she is to you right now anyway; i can see the irony; really i do; it is funny that the reason i love you so much it is just plain stupid; maybe i am; maybe i forever will be; but in this moment i am very very happy; if i feel so and that i haven't felt for a long time; the pain and hurt; does it matter compare to the smile on my face when i get to be with you? then i ask myself, if i get to choose i will do it again, again and again.

"For you, a thousand times over"

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Loneliness does not come from being alone, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important.

a missed call;
you called me;
you still in the bed;
i am still at home;
year end;
holiday mode;
going to office later than usual;
i asked about dinner;
what you enjoy and did not enjoy;
you like the feeling of home;
somewhere you belong and go back to;
it will not be me;
it is somewhere else;
somewhere without me;
you wink and smile at me;
i am having my coffee;
i  know what you are thinking;
the sheer lust;
we are holding on to;
still attracted to each other;
in a distance;
screaming your name;
every action;
after we cool down;
the song that comes on;
it lingers because it is beautiful, sad and true;

"but it is time to face the truth, i will never be with you."

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

That’s who you really like. The people you can think out loud in front of.

i guess i could've done it better;
i could've packed all the hearts nicer;
because you were saying the first time you receive it in such a nice box;
then you did not get it the second time after;
many times we take things for granted;
even from this small gesture;
they will know;
they will get it;
in fact they never do;
and there's when things start to get a little off the track;
but that is what every couple does;
they are willing to try and bring things back on track;
i hope you both do too;
not because of me;
not because of anything;
but simple because you both want to;
as a third person;
i shine a light to the gap;
she still love you and so are you;
i cant be in the way;
you value your life now more than anything;
nothing can spoil it;
surely will not be me;
but i silly enough to believe that;
when you say you love me and that i make you happy;
i think i am the only person in the world that will be able to do that;
but i also practical enough to believe that;
in this life we can not be together;
and this is not our fault at all;
so i long for the next life;
if i can find you;
i promise you;
i will find you;

Monday, December 19, 2016

I hope they make you happy. That’s what I’ll say.

the year is coming to an end; 
knowing that you will go back home;
i suggested we dress up, have a drink and celebrate the season; 
both of us far away; 
when people get desperate;
they have crazy thoughts;
it could be a stupid, silly idea;
but i do miss you;
then i realise;
eventually no matter what;
you are not mine;
escapism - a new word to me;
nevertheless is how i feel with you;
because you are not getting what you want out of that;
and you somehow somewhat getting it from me;
even just a little;
vice versa;
me too is feeling the same way;
the feeling that makes you feel alive is rare and precious;
so you seize it;
no matter how stupid it sounds, or make you look;
sometimes it is just that one person that matters;
i do not know if that will be you;
i just now i am your replacement to fulfill something that you are missing right now in your life.

it could be nothing.

it could be love.

it could be anything.

Saturday, December 17, 2016

I do love you – I can’t change that.

You still surprise me.

I was home. We chatted. I thought of every single possible reasons that we may say goodbye. But instead you send me something that make me want to stay even longer. 

The sexual feeling lingers on and on and on. 

Until even both of us long gone. 

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

You are not weak just because your heart feels so heavy.

we brought it to test in my house;
did not work;
a short catch up;
since you back from the trip;
on and off;
i never text you a lot;
until you really want to see me;
i will get a text from you;
i feel the feeling is slowly subsiding;
unlike before;
i purposely throw you a question;
you said i still turn you on;
you still feel me so;
what you did not know is;
i am in love with someone else;
a year ago.

Saturday, December 10, 2016

Stop acting so small. You are the universe in ecstatic motion.

After nine months, we finally decided to say goodbye, hearts after hearts, quote after quote. It wasn't the first time and only time that you have been telling me repeatedly that you will be very happy being together with me, for the rest of your life. You would've asked me to live with you if only the circumstances allowed so, but I want to say that I at least know you a little and the man I love is exactly how you are.

Every time we made love, you fall for me a little more. Just as I say goodbye, a bit of me die a little each time. You said you like this country more because of me. I am happy to know that.

We know this relationship will not last for long, you are a good man, married with a happy family and a good life, have your own dreams, thing you want to archive, the thinking that you stick to, talking about the meaning of life, but I love you for who you really are, this two weeks together with you makes me realise that even more. 

Right after you pick me up from the airport, I already feel that this trip will be a great one and the one where both of us are ready to say goodbye. We love each other also because of that, we think the same. 

The weather was amazing the whole two weeks I'm with you, make it almost perfect. The coffee, muesli, the iPad, the music, the news, you need to work, greeting you after work, sitting in your garden, I wasn't trying too hard and try to be somebody to you, hence i restrain myself with your house work, reminder, laundry, only your wife can do that for you and I clearly know that, your office, the place you pump the gas, I'm as your temporary translator, how I got upset because you called me name which I hated, because I am thinking we are more than that, happy city, each meal, gym membership, each direction, each long drive, ikea, sheng yang, Harbin, sitting by the river side, people watching, Chang bai Shang, your car, all the annoyance, agitation, roundabout, parks, traffic, coffee, dessert, barbecue,skewed meat, beer, wine, hot pot,  big breakfast, breaking coffee cup, cycling, swimming, grocery shopping, quietly giving u moment to make phone calls, the way u make fun of me and the way u call me your bastard. Watched a movie, at cinema, at home, the two hotels we stayed, u learning Chinese, the little things. You gave me your kindle, I know you feel bad and just want to give me something, but to me this trip you suggested was the best parting gift, ever. I don't need anything more, but your love and all these precious memories. 

I was glad I have knocked your door and took me with you so that we spent our last day in the bed longer, we both afraid to say a lot of things, which we know deep down what exactly was it, I'm independent and strong, I want no trouble from you and I ask nothing out of you, you admire me of being so, saying that I did well for myself, hoping that I will find a man who is able to make me happy. There is no guarantee in life, I don't know about man, but I can promise you at least I will be myself and continue on well. As for you I want you to be happy always in whatever way you do. I cherish this special relationship we had very much and I don't think that will ever change. Every little small things now will only remind me of you. 

I like that you say you know me a little, in fact you knew me quite well. My impatience, how in a lot of ways, we are alike. The way i flap my hands when the light turns green, how I squeezed your hand a little during traffic. Really, only all these small little things. 

You have no idea how badly I wanted to jump in your car and hold you when I see you turn around to have one last look at each other but I know that i can't make this love too important, in the end we have to leave anyway, we know it. 

May you be well, my forever darling. For no one can ever replace that, ever. We will see us again, some day, some way, some how. 

Thursday, December 8, 2016

Do you know what your problem is? You can’t live with the idea that someone might leave.


I fly to you. Just to be with you all over again. We lasted for more than a year now. Learning something new now makes me realise nothing is ever perfect until you really want it to be. The effort you put in shaping the kind of life you yearn for. I used wonder what am I doing with you? Is it something wrong? But it is not my fault. I do not know if we are saying goodbye this time. we will start to run out of things to say, because we don't have routine and mundane life story to talk about, not as a couple, no problem to solve, only sex, wine, food and good things. Maybe in Sunday we will find out. It seems all clear now, it will be ok to let go, even if we do, even I did not stay a day longer, it is still ok, which I remember that used to be something that I want the most.

Two similar intense encounters, make you think about things in a whole new different angle in life, to wonder what really makes you happy and what really matters the most.

Life has its own twist and turn way..


On my way home. We hugged each other long goodbye. All the things that I was supposed to ask you, you have asked me back. I was afraid we have nothing to do or say. You wanted to buy me a perfume. We didn't really do much at all.  Just walking around town. For me that was enough. Do you know something? It's how you like to say before you tell me something. You said you felt like you have know me for the longest time. Every kiss, touch, hug, I will never forget, the timing was just right, it would make us too sad if we stay any longer. Still boundaries we don't cross, still wall we don't break down. Deep down we know how this is going. A photo that we never take. You are to never leave me. To love two persons at the same time, I am the one who would want no burden of you. I bought you dinner, you bought me German beer. We had a nice Xmas feel Starbucks coffee treat. Hot pot. Two days of breakfast. The walk, Jin Li street, lan Kwai Fong, Jiu yan qiao, we don't even care about panda, a nice streets and malls. Big muji, quiet temple. white sparkling wine. nice music. you fell asleep on my lap. you holing my hand. We were early for the check in. 30 min. Late tasteless chrysanthemum tea. U ask me why I take off my ring. Because it is not a permanent ring. Not like your wedding ring. I tried yours. I answer all the questions I was supposed to ask you. You made me cried. At the airport. Do you know. You said you feel like you have know me for a long time. Will you still feel that after 25 years? I don't know. U enjoy me. Enjoy us. Has no desire to use ur phone. Endless intensity of love making. Every breath, every words, every songs, just remind of each other so much on the little things. You get one wish, you want to see me again. We promise us. Germany is something on the list too. How can I ever say no to you? To deny this? To walk away from all this? At least I couldn't do it, not now, not right now. 

Monday, November 28, 2016

There are no wrong turnings. Only paths we had not known we were meant to walk.

you kept saying that i am special; that you love me; you said that twice; i urge you not to say that three little word so lightly; because i feel for you and will hold you responsible; i will hold you against it insensibly; now of course magic is only very very difficult to keep at the same level in daily life; we know this; it is not rocket science.

so we finished the course of love; we briefly talk about it because we don't have a lot of time; i sent you a 5 minutes review in voice; you too were telling me that you love me very much, twice; what does this all mean though? maybe it is not a matter of right or wrong; maybe it is just a matter how this relationship of ours affect each other's life in the long run; how would it affect her; what sort of things/ feelings we aiming to achieve; will it hurt us? sooth us? make us better? or no changes or effect at all? we perhaps know the how and why; we just do not know when; this time maybe it is time to decide - when.

or perhaps - eventually you will realise, maybe there's people you love and maybe there's people you marry and they are not the same people.

Saturday, November 26, 2016

They told me life is tough. I told them I was tougher.

i like you enough to kiss you;
i just do not know if i like you enough to get to know you more;
to get together and be together with you;
or perhaps you will just turn into another hang out;
i do not know if i like you enough to keep going;
at this point i am happy that we don't talk to much and we are leaving each other alone;
i am actually glad.

Friday, November 25, 2016

I am not a place for cowards.

you are back a while now; but been sick; finally meeting you tonight; you suggested to have dinner near by my place; i know what you are thinking; i refuse it and just say let's have dinner nearby; because it will be jam; but deep down; i do not feel like sleeping with you anymore; we have lost it; at least i do; then after dinner; over some travel plan next year and randomly updating me about stuff; you didn't even remember you are suppose to bring the coffee pot for me to try out; instead you thought you will buy me another pair of shoes; again; then you say; let's go to our place; since you  insist and mention it; i feel reluctant and obligated; so i did not say no; reach my place; we have an hour to spare; happened quickly and quietly; there was not any sparks; not anymore; i know i have already lost it since that day i found out the truth.

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

To tell someone not to be emotional is to tell them to be dead.

I want to tell you. When i see you naked last night in your bed and got so horny, all my blood rushed thru me, imagining being with you in the same room, touching and feeling each other, that's when you made me hot, undressed and cum for you. This desire is insatiable. 

As for the quote, i believe everyone is a little lost in their own way. You and i even. I often intrigued about you and your marriage and how you would carry on . . . Knowing very well that although i did not cause you any trouble. I also wonder are we both just lost or looking for a replacement of something we yearn for temporarily, we sort of found something in each other, me for a partner and you are looking for love that lost in someone while trying to find a way back to your wife, you did mention before you want to try.  sometimes i do not understand much and also it seems complicated, that's the line we don't cross anyway. 

To be honest, i like the word lost... Maybe i am too practical and often time too hard on myself you know? To want to get everything right, it's tiring. I like the idea and feeling of getting lost with you. i know too often i have romanticized and idealized our relationship, i wish also we argue and fight. I know i am silly like that, plus even if you are a lost boy, you are MY lost boy.  I like the quote and the writer. :) 

I know this is a bigger topic that we have no luxury to talk about it due to the lack of time. This also would be best if we get to talk about it in person, like how we normally do, nevertheless we make do of what we have. 

I send you another quote by David Levithan: -  Last night, i got up the courage to ask you if you regretted us. "There are things i miss, " you said. "But if I didn't have you, I'd miss more. " 
I agree wholeheartedly. Thank you for everything, so far. :) 

Monday, November 21, 2016

Nothing ever happens like you imagine it will… but then again, if you don’t imagine, nothing ever happens at all.

it was supposed to be a breakfast meeting; i did not give up; somehow naively; still trying in a way; met him; in shorts and flip flop; as he pre-warned me; did not mind it at all; some values are the same; tolerate stupid people; level of impatient; the word "separated"; afraid of the past emotional baggage; didn't reveal so much on the past; dont wish to; what is the point; answer question with question; give up too easily to an answer because fail to retrieve it the first time; still looking for something; both restless and directionless; nine hours of meeting; forfeit plan B; not as square; breakfast my bread is better; Japanese as lunch; close with a pint and cigarettes; everyone lies; something still entangling; unsure how to take it; again it was something from your past that i will not be able to change; feeling unwanted; havent found what he is looking for; i am getting too rusty for this; nevertheless we will see.

nerd; lie; forgetful; teasing to BIG again and again; star wars; fist bump; gave up easily; 80;s music; bantering; was a fun day in a nice way.

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

We’ll survive, you and I.

second night - we meet again; you made time for me; we had real nice Japanese dinner; you told them you wanted a night to rest and spend some time on your own; you got the other thing that you supposed to get and bump into someone; you thought it was funny; i let lose a bit more; pragmatically boxy; you kind of describe me; control freak even; you seem to see through me; i am pretty predictable anyway i have to admit; you curious and intrigued about my exterior that doesn't match how i am inside and you wonder why; you use too many good compliments on me; i feel overwhelmed; you said we click you feel me all over you and that you enjoy the feeling but i already thinking about when you have to leave; why does it matter? of course i dont have to care; i can just sleep with you; and then you go away and then our lives back to normal; but what does that mean? you can't even fix things with her and you will be far away; however beautiful you say i am it doesn't mean anything if you are not here with me and it is not just only you; there's another him too but the trickiness is the same.

third night - after class again; i brought beer; manage to arrive on time; tried to scare you; didnt succeed; you are a marketing guy; you always have a way with words; one of the reasons you are here somewhat because of me; another fantastic night; i stayed over; because it was late when we are done; i had a simple breakfast; lots of thoughts running around my head.

forth night - we skipped a night because we couldn't match the time to meet; we plan on the fifth.

fifth night - i wanted to meet you so much; i was glad we drove home after the event and it was my graduation night; little wine; little chat; all the sensual touching; talking; wildly sexual encounter; the intensity that drives each other mad; i slept over; slept in until 10am and we had room service; call to order 5 to eleven; funny; we have some jokes and chat as well; trying to locate the thing for two times; got fed up and upset until we gave up and let lose.

sixth night - we let each other rest

seventh night - you detached from the rest and waited for me; i thought you will be busy; i thought we will not be able to meet; it's your last night here after all; always half full - always; you thought me; i open up to you a little bit about myself i thought i never would again; all the lame jokes; sexual remarks; the tenderness; gentleness; sweat; wetness; tightness; the tipping point; the peak point; the cracking; the pushing; the thrusting; all these overwhelming emotions; we did not make out last night here awkward; we did not part ways weirdly; if anything i will always remember this. you have to believe that you can always love a few people at the exact same time, always.

This is a strange place as I'm living a weird life and 38 is not exactly the best age to be, at least not in my case anyway.

Thursday, November 10, 2016

Some pain shouldn’t be wished away so easily. It had to be dealt with even embraced.

I actually want you to yell at me, shout at me so loud that i cant stand it, so nasty thing to me that makes me hate you.

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Being alone has nothing to do with how many people are around.

another him; from somewhere else; i cut contact; i was afraid; too overwhelming that i share too much with too many people and start to get too emotional; will it prevent me from getting hurt? no; i use it as an excuse it would; but it won't; he knows it; he says he know me a little; he was glad to see me; he fell asleep; i waited; i didn't go away; we had an intense session; i was close up to begin with; you try to open me up; easing me to speak; but i couldn't; not so much anyway; because in the end you will leave; just like everyone else.

all of them,



Tuesday, November 8, 2016

But I love you, I love you for that too, not only for your virtues, but also for your malice.

i slept really early after a tiresome weekend with friends; i feel all my energy has been sucked out; was trying to do a little bit of assignment and i gave up; yoga center was closed due to some emergency which i saw an update that someone has passed away; i wake in the middle of the night; i slept again; awake at 5; texted you; our time are upside down; you just got home from a movie; you enjoyed it with your family; you wanted to call in 10 minutes; you did sooner; i was surprised and you said you really wanted to see me; you were playing; i notice and then i realise you didnt say anything or ask for more playfully; i would have let you talk dirty to me; but you are not that type; you turn me on too as i slowly undress myself for you; then it happened; we miss each other; everything is in silence because you can not talk too loud; it is worth it; i wonder can we keep this up; without being physical; i really wonder.

good night my love. until soon.

Monday, November 7, 2016

What you do, the way you think, makes you beautiful.

i have friends visit during the weekend; on and off during gap we still chat flirtatiously; sometimes i lost track how exactly i should feel; i can only know that when i see you; then all the feelings will come back to me.

thank you.

i am so sorry.

i love you.

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

When you love you wish to do things for. You wish to sacrifice for. You wish to serve.

i got up to get breakfast and lunch ready; you travel back again; the pick up is at 6.30am; you will call me then; you did; on time; again; not really relax; as your usual self coz of the long way; i shrug and smile; we talked about some fun stories; a mouse stealing cheese; random stuff; my hangover weekend and lost pool games and my meet up with J and how he wasnt too worried; even his gf; i have to say i will not be so calm; i would properly yell at people or you; you said again you and i are similar; you were glad someone asked about your presence after few weeks of away; you feel pleased; i would too; that means that someone remembers you; you were telling me about your trip back home; easy going and you want to socialise more; i talk briefly about my class; about some ethic and non sexual relationship; we are different; thats how i feel; you listen to my problem and i also listen to yours; we still want to meet; i want you to pick some place near that centralise so that it does not trouble us too much; so you can justify it; i ask you to think about it more but on the other hand i already want to prepare for it; you said it is easy to talk to me but perhaps deep down i want to create chaos; so that you know that it is not all that great with me; so you find a reason to walk away; so that you realise in the long run this will not work; i cant help but think that we are romanticizing our relationship too much and both want us to become this ideal projection of the one we want to be with; which we have lost in the middle of the way or perhaps that someone that we long for but unable to reach and get.

in the end -

I want to say something is missing....  then i think maybe it's more like someone... But in actual perhaps maybe its not even someone... Its a feeling with someone; but in this case the someone happens to be you.

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

I hope that I’m always struggling, really. You develop when you’re struggling. When you’re struggling, you get stronger.

we haven't spoke since 11am; i guess you are busy; you did not say if you are going to call tomorrow;  there's this mutually unspoken rule between us; while we live on; we thread carefully not to disturb each other; i went for the class; for one hour; then went home; i thought i can go to another class tomorrow morning; i did not because i know you would call; you did text; i waited for you; you were asking me why i didn't drive on; because i like it when we have some time for each other; and i know we can only squeeze so much time together; as much as i can do i will; so for this few times i stay home talk to you until you reach office and have a few minutes of the video call as well; that is the time every time when i see you that determine it to me again the reason why i love you so; i talk about the trip again seeking for confirmation; you seem to made up your mind; i do not want to tell you what to do and how to live your life; but i worry because you are such a bad liar; what are you going to tell her; she is clever; she will figure out; because we are all smart people; i do not know; you can still joke around saying that they will be nobody there to see us at the airport; so many great memories in the past and you say you want to have mire with me in the future; you talk about some small stuff; randomly here and there; i still feel attracted to you; so very strongly; you said you will call earlier tomorrow; i will be waiting; as usual; mein liebling. 

Monday, October 31, 2016

We are afraid to care too much, for fear that the other person does not care at all.

the weekend is here; as usual; we halt our usual chat just flirting here and there; you mentioned you still miss me; comes Monday; you called and you were sharing your thoughts; a guy you met over the weekend on how he long for a more structured and systematic life rather than a free one; each to their own; it's what i said; then you went on and were telling me about the books; the few points that you were meant to read and meant to fix when i think you will eventually come to; i was in silent; you know what is happening but do not know how to fix it; not instantly at least; you asked me how i was; i did not want to say; i didn't want to tell you at all and you sense that something is not right; i have finally blurted it out; i know i am not the cause; you and her had problem long before i exist; but now i cant help but think i am in the way; maybe without me; you guys can fix problem faster without having to think about me at all; if that is the case; i have to be fine with it; i have to act strong; what am i supposed to do when you are not here with me? how could i just let you know that i am weak and sad and that life must go on without you anyway while she can have you in your arms, always; but why did you still tell me i am the nest thing that ever happened to you; you even still invite me go to there; what about her? what about her? why?

in all honesty; i still love you too. i do.

Sunday, October 30, 2016

When you do what you fear most, then you can do anything.

So we had a chance to talk about it. you told me that you and her talk about it. The future. you were trying to avoid it by saying she wants to get another car of not the brand you own. We had a good start because you forgot my birthday. We made fun of it, had a laugh and talk about a bunch of random stuff but not touching my own, as usual. She said she will think about it and that is going to determine if we are going to end. Because if she says so then you will have no bad conscious. The thing is you are right. I miss sex. But i miss you even more. Fortunately and unfortunately. I don't see we book that tickets and see us in December. This i know. So we might as well get over it.

Friday, October 28, 2016

I miss you even more than I could have believed; and I was prepared to miss you a good deal.

you picked her up; you were two hours late; you were telling me about it; an unexpected morning call; because she is back and i have to put my mind behind not to mind it even though i do; how am i to express to you this urge; i couldn't; you say you are going for a stadttische and so am i with J; also updating you about J; his worry and anxiousness are different from yours; you talked about your daughter; i feel she is doing it right having a good head start; my classmate that wanted to drop out but didn't; still mostly telling you about other rather than myself; you said you should've be there 3 hours earlier; i said you should gave me the credit; still missing each other somehow; because it is true; "I miss you even more than I could have believed; and I was prepared to miss you a good deal."; for now i do not know when it will end; and i do not know if i even want to; ever.

Thursday, October 27, 2016

We think too much and feel too little.

today is the last day we can talk before she is back; you did not tell me earlier; sometimes i am so unprepared; you forgot about my birthday; you were more upset than i; i am not a priority; what else can i say? both you and i just want to stay home and talk with each other; however much time that we manage to squeeze; i told you about my friend about other stuff; but you wanna know more about mine; which i still reluctant to share; then i ask about her; you hate the idea that both of you being dishonest; as much as she lies; you did too; although technically you are kind of telling the truth; you told her you too slept with someone; she was surprised; maybe she think you wouldn't; and you sense that she did still sleep with that guy; but i wonder why; what is wrong with your relationship with her; sexually; you were telling me about your neighbor; couple that divorce late now at their 50's; liberated; it is not something you aiming to do; at least you are brave enough to ask her about it on how to go on; on what you guys think of the future; if you guys want to continue this; she said she did at first and then after a while she changed her mind; if she was to stick to it; it gives you a reason to go on with me with no bad conscious because she is still doing it too; i feel like it is totally up to her to decide whether we get to go on; that i am just a puppet at the side waiting for further instruction; but i do love you; that i feel sad; that i cry when you were telling me that; you wish you didn't because you did not want to spoil anything for us; i insisted that you do which i prefer; not being with you is bad enough; thank you for the beer; for wishing me happy belated birthday; from afar; this i will not forget; i do not want any gift; or compensation; i just want you; can i say that without hurting anybody? i think at this moment; the answer is no. 

I can’t let you go now. I want to go places with you; obscure little places, just to be able to say: here I came with her.

I don't want to tell you that i am keeping my hair just for you, i couldn't.
I don't want to tell you that i miss sex but i miss you even more, i couldn't.
I don't want to tell you that it was my birthday, i couldn't and now that you were upset and that i remember last year when we were together.

I am just not that kind of gal that shout about stuff all the time.

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Even if you have nothing to write, write and say so.

because i know there is only so much we can hold on to;
because i know eventually you have to talk about her;
because we may run out of things to say;
because i can not have you now and i want to say i will love you no matter what;
even if you are  married;
even if you can not be mine.

Because the idea of losing you scares me too.

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Come with all your shame, come with your swollen heart, I’ve never seen anything more beautiful than you.

....and then you will realise;
it is your happiness that counts;
no matter how selfish that may sound.

Happy Birthday to me.
thank you to those who have wished me; those who remember; those who did not and those who do not even know it.

thank you, from the very bottom of my heart, i am honoured.

Monday, October 24, 2016

When you lose someone and it still hurts, that’s when you know the love was real.

i called; line was busy; you were with her; i should've know better; we naively want to believe that we are in love; still making plan to meet; just to selfishly fulfill the urge; the desire; our lust; there is a point; i really hope there is. 

Sunday, October 23, 2016

Don’t do it. Don’t love me.

23102016; 1815; i just finished a shower getting ready for your call; because i thought you will be calling 1900 my time - 1300 yours; then a missed call; i called back; i can see you are tired; you do not care; speaker phone on and we were chatting away; you said i made you happy; that you do not want to forget me; i told you if there's ever a day you want to do that; please just lie to me and leave; we talk briefly for about 20 minutes; missing each other very much; i thought i have forgotten the feeling; but every time when we chat it comes back; we were just talking casually about your family; a restaurant you have been to with someone has worked there for a long time; mundane normal petty stuff; i told you about my run and study; a strong urge just to hold on to each other - "do't do it, don't love me"; one day some day eventually i will be able to tell you that; for real.

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.

i do not know why i still miss you;
i thought you are no longer here;
then you call;
and that is all.

Monday, October 17, 2016

Everything alters me, but nothing changes me.

you arrived on the island for the trip; i was happy for you that you are together with all of them again; you still trying to tell me things; but i do not quite see the point; i am sharing my mundane life less; my sister visit; she made me a cake; sharing the cakes with my neighbors; how my weekend was; what movie i watched; how i have spent it quietly at home as how i normally would and how i will be able to still share it with you excitedly if we are talking to each other; the water filter; the more stuff i got for my home; working on assignment; i am feeling it; i am seeing it in front of my eyes; the times that you said you miss me you love me; last year how we met; how we celebrated my birthday; the presents you gave me; all of it is fading away; scary but it's true; eventually it will so i would rather it happens now; wouldn't you?

Saturday, October 15, 2016

It’s not who I am underneath but what I do that defines me.

you started with a heart;
then you said yo afraid you maybe repeating yourself, as was i;
but that you cant change it;
just like when we have sex, it's pretty much the same;
but you enjoy it and that cant change and how you think repetition is not so bad after-all;
and you said the memories we had will never go away;
you were thinking if we make now everything better than it really was, but we know that we see things too positively because every time we only spend short amount of time together; i am not your 25 years women; in the end all relationship and marriages wear off after so long; no matter who you are with, i believe; but we are still new, still fresh, in a way; you want me to know how you feel with her because you have no one else to share it with and on the other hand urge me to find a man; you have to find a way with her again but you are also sure that it will most likely never as you are loving me now; i feel sad when you say that, somehow; i cant help it; you think this is the price you have to pay for the coffee in Starbucks with me; i always always feel your love, not only a little bit, trust me; you told me you love me very much although we cant be together; it hurts me to know so; even worse that now we confirm that is true; i will not blame anything; feeling is feeling; we cant help how we feel, i guess. .....

Friday, October 14, 2016

We were not lovers, we were love.

you got back from your break; then involve intensely in workshop at work; you felt the team less energize; then i ask you when will she be back; concerning; you will be away again; packing; working; preparing; you are busy; i dare not disturb you much; you insisted you will call anyway; you did; we just look at each other and talk about simple stuff; we are just talking about our days... More and more... Flat and mundane... It becomes in the end...i can see this will possibly end soon; no matter how in love we said we are, once. 

Thursday, October 13, 2016

I speak my own sins; I cannot judge another. I have no tongue for it.

you called at 7.25am in the morning; you took me by surprise as i quickly put on my headset and talk with you; we had a brief chat last night; updating about our lives after 2 weeks; unavoidably some sex remarks; even something political simply because that was on the news lately; and this morning; we had longer conversation because you were throwing me hard questions from a book we are reading; that the more you love someone the more you are trying to hide things from them because you do not want to hurt the person you love; but isn't that what a relationship is all about that you can and able to share things with the one you love; then it makes me wonder are we in a real relationship? do we really love each other? or we just building an ideal relationship inside a bubble? and another book that you have thoroughly read thru which indicated the main character had passed away after he committed suicide; i rarely take note on this kind of thing; i just more along with words without giving deep thinking about it; you said i am still cautious; how can i not be; every steps i am taking i take into consideration of how other may feel; in this case you; or maybe her; or maybe me; or maybe all three of us; everyone; because in the end even if i share my thoughts, how i truly feel; will it help? or will it just complicate matters? i have no answer; trust me; if i can i want to share every single thing with you; especially my flaw to let you know that i am such a lousy person; that in return you will not like me anymore and that i will drive you away; as for the wall that i am starting to build again i hope you will break it again in no time, in no time; i am always sorry i did what i did; really i do and i mean it; even though there is nothing i can do about it. 

Wednesday, October 12, 2016

It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live.

you touched down at midnight; i left you voice notes and you said you miss my voice; i wonder what change in this two weeks when you are with her and what didnt; why it didnt; is it right it happens; i thought i would just get a note where you would tell me that everything is over and you will go back to where you are supposed to be and so would i; but it didnt happen; we still joke with each other in a shy awkward way; talking about books; how you dont like the one i asked you to buy and how you have been buying books that both of us like; simple and very safe book; i try to get to you more by knowing what else you like; maybe different genre of stuff; we talk about sex book; we are the action type; words of sex do not interest us so much; we want to do not read about sex; also i am minding the line that we do not want to cross; dont ask anything that you do not want to know is how i am trying to do and thread everything really carefully and cautiously; even question that i blurt out that i did not want to repeat afraid that i might spoil anything because this is something between you and her; that i feel you should know better and why are you not; and that i dont entitle any right to barge in like a crazy person with the relationship that you already have; and then you want us to see us again; this whole idea of meeting excites me instantly and immediately i am checking dates; looking forward to it; feeling the love again; it is amazing, sad and strange; you told me you love me very much; i didnt reply; i do not want to create too deep of the attachment with you; i resist it; i am trying very hard not to..............

I wish I can tell you that i dont miss you today, but that would be a lie...

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

I want to read and write and be very quiet.

But on my journey through life so far, I have come to understand that many physical connections made outside of marriage are as a result of deep, basic human need – everyone wants to feel wanted. And sometimes the person closest to you just can’t give you that.


Monday, October 10, 2016

Sooner or later we’ve all got to let go of our past.

so now we are waiting for someone to find us out;
or something terrible to happen;
a disease - cancer - sickness;
then it will make us stop;
and that's ugly.

Sunday, October 9, 2016

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t as conscious as I am. It would be so much easier.

I know i can't compare but i often wonder what do you talk about with her, even though it's pointless.

Saturday, October 8, 2016

Do what you feel in your heart to be right – for you’ll be criticized anyway.

I am thinking about you a lot.
It is very hard not to.
I'm building my wall again.
Sharing less again
That is the right thing to do
I hope you know and understand that.
If you think like how i do
Then you would.
I am sorry. I truly am.

Friday, October 7, 2016

All my life, I’ve found it difficult to advocate for myself, to ask for what I want. I fear burdening people so much.

The more you tell me about her; with no specific reason; even small stuff; the more i feel you want to drive me away; and yet it did not happen; not because i do not hate it; i do; but so what; i do not care; i do not know what you are trying to achieve; maybe you just simply miss me as i do; in the end we both become somewhere we want to escape to; quietly; peacefully; doing things we never gotten to do with whomever we thought we should be doing with; simply as a replacement of someone for fulfillment for very selfish reason.

Thursday, October 6, 2016

And if you couldn’t be loved, the next best thing was to be let alone.

You mentioned about your camera, almost left behind, i want to tell you that she will take care and she must take care of that for you. But i didn't. I know we joke about this kind of thing but i rather you go to her and that she takes good care of you.. I know you meant it teasingly but it hurts. Really it does.

Wednesday, October 5, 2016

Do something instead of killing time, because time is killing you.

i don't think the sex that we have is better than before; but you said so; im selfish; i begin to be; i no longer feel like i need to please you; i feel pathetic about it sometimes; that you can touch yourself when i am not around; but you cant even come when you did it with me; and that you often hard to get hard; what is the reason behind that? i know it's not all about me; but i want to make it about me; i am just a selfish prick; am i still turning you on? am i still hot enough? all that lousy self fulfilling questions; i also asked you what you "really" think of me; you kind of gave me a vague answer and as you said i treat you like a stranger as you did; again you are going away for a month; i will not miss you at all this time; surprisingly; i have him on my mind; and i will not miss him as well; i dig a hole to jump in; occupy my day fully with things; so i get less anxious and restless; you were talking about an old rude driver; but what can you do; nothing; he wont change; and you don't care what really happens to him; maybe his wife is dead; maybe he is born this way; no excuse you said; i am not average at all; but what does that mean? why no men love me if i am so? just because i am so; you are not the first one that said that; but whoever say it they are all taken or occupied and leave me no room to be with them; i feel rejected; i get hurt and yet i let it happen; such a self torture mechanism so that i feel alive; so that i know i exist in a very very sickening wrong way.

Tuesday, October 4, 2016

You can’t ever be really free if you admire somebody too much.

you still text and tell me about our small things; memories of us both and that you miss me; but this is for the long run; memories will fade; i can see it happening soon; routine has been stirred; so slowly and gently; maybe you are right; no; you are definitely right; we should not be in love; we should not even begin; you will be with her; you have the right to be with her; she is yours always; you guys will reconcile to get through whatever tough storm yo guys need to get through; i am just a phase; i have to go on again; on my own; even without you; even without anybody and that is ok; that is all i can only say anyway. 

Monday, October 3, 2016

She hadn’t wanted to be loved carefully, only well.

you were extra cheeky and cheerful last night; kept giving me compliment and left lame remark; we had donut; you even played nose game with me ; which makes me think of him; and you said that you missed me and the last time when we were together it was really intense; you miss that as well; that i should be on pill; i said no; you have been waiting the whole day and waited for the end of the day for about an hour to suggest  that we go to that place for dinner and get things that you want; you called and texted me earlier while i was busy with something else; why cant you just ask and say that you want to get those things and ask me to send you why did you need to move things around and do subtle hints; i hate that of you; that you never really want to be open with me and this is just small things; what about bigger stuff; i do not want to ask even; you will say you are shy; but i guess i just will not understand why; you are flying off this Wednesday night; for a month; i will go on; as usual; until you get back; until then.

Saturday, October 1, 2016