Wednesday, January 25, 2017

You gave everything to everyone. Except to me.

i notice our difference;
im not confrontational;
personal reason;
cultural reason;
you said you will not push;
somehow you do;
you let it slide anyway;
because you cant insist;
we talk about other random stuff;
still feel a thin wall;
i look forward to see you again;
even very shortly;
even very troublesomely. 

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

I’m smart enough to know that I’m dumb.

240117; 2100
i brought you a bottle of wine;
that you recommended;
you made time for me;
i look at you;
you cook for me even after a long day of work;
tomato salad; steak; fish; mixed potato;
all really tasty;
i pretend to be dumb enough not to know everything;
"no man has ever cook for you before, right?";
i nodded and smiled;
i turn on some music;
you showed me your burn mark;
which look amusingly funny;
i help with cleaning since i cant cook;
i was anxious and you saw that;
you asked me to relax;
you want an ice cream;
you ask me to just be calm and 2 seconds;
do nothing;
just hold your hands, sit with you and be calm;
because i am driving you crazy too;
and you do not need this;
you need the peace;
there's this very thin invisible line i am not crossing;
you told me about your daily morning routine;
what kind of relationship we building;
you said maybe in future you get me some cheap coffee;
maybe in the morning we can do something quick;
maybe i can have a green tea;
a lot of maybes;
but what does it all mean;
it means i can stay over longer;
hold your hand longer;
kiss you longer;
not to just have short fun sex;
not just compliment me that i have a great body and soft skin;
not just teasingly but actually mean it when you look at me and kiss me;
not shallowly; but with depth;
the kind of depth that i admire and can not get enough of;
i have been through too many rough times for me to believe that whatever passion i feel between you and i will turn into something real;
that'd be a lie;
you have your past that is still on your shoulder;
you will be going away;
i still wake up at 645 touching you very lightly;
afraid that i might wake you;
have no urge at all to have one last round with you before i go;
i just do not want to feel this hole inside without having something to fill it with;
im drained;
im exhausted;
not by you;
but by the hard thoughts that circling around my head;
in the end;
people are people;
all of us are selfish people;
that is just the way it is;
even someone close to you;
even that.

Monday, January 23, 2017

I’m so lonesome for you.

I have written the same story too many times. We talk about my hope, dream, things that I could've achieved. You pushing me to go for it. Grab that opportunity. I reluctantly say i refuse. You asked me why. I couldn't explain it. But you know why? Because.......

I couldn't explain to you why this is something I can do but I don't want.
I couldn't explain to you that no matter how many times you said you love me but in the end you won't be here.
I couldn't explain to you that in the end I will just be on my own.
I couldn't explain to you that this loneliness I feel inside.
I couldn't explain to you that I'm pretending everything will be just fine.
I couldn't explain to you that the hurt and pain I feel inside.
I couldn't explain to you that the rejection that I'm trying to avoid.
I couldn't explain to you the expectations that I try not to set.
I just couldn't explain to you all that.
How could I?
Because in the end I know you will not be mine;
Because eventually everyone leaves;
Because you are just like everyone else;
Because in the end I will still have to face it by myself on my own;
Because in the end.

Sunday, January 22, 2017

Think long and hard before offering your heart to someone who can only accept it part-time.

i withdraw myself;
i do not want you to think i am jumping on you and that you feel that i am desperate;
which i am not;
i do however miss the warmth of your hand;
the teasing way you talk;
the way your eyes look at me;
the way we sit and touch each other naturally;
i also cant forget the sadness in your eyes;
and the tiredness in your voice.

Saturday, January 21, 2017

Broken isn’t the same as unfixable.

But he is just so young;
openly talk about sex;
the flow was not right;
it did not happen the way we expect it to me;
just calmly chill out;
smoke a few;
nothing more.
nothing more.

Thursday, January 19, 2017

Never be mean in anything. Never be false. Never be cruel.


Wednesday, January 18, 2017

But someday I’m going to find somebody and love him and love him and never let him go.

we were still a bit shy; we have not seen each other for a few days; you texted me and made some jokes; you said you would like to see me and me too; so we meet; you waited and cook dinner for me; it took me a while to arrive; i had a shower first; you appreciate the fact that i was there and happy to see me; you talked about your trip; your kid; i do not know how to treat this relationship; what should i be; too early to say; enjoying the company; it was really short then you already release; i kiss you tenderly; i do not know if i should hug you, tease you more but i do not want you to think i push you away; i find your blunt honesty irresistible; i am somehow attracted to that. 

Monday, January 16, 2017

Calm down, heart. Please.

you talked about her again;
i do not want to hear it and do not like to hear about it;
what for;
you said you went somewhere with her but remind you of me;
i was not there with you together;
we were never there together;
but the feeling was so strong you thought we were;
i know in the end this will makes me feel lonely and sad;
but i still want to do this now;
to see where all this lead to;
even if i just get to see you one more time;
one last time;
i still think it is worth it.

Sunday, January 15, 2017

I’m not much like myself any more.

i decided i do not want to write about you anymore;
all the effort i put in;
all the things that i thought i can and want to do with you;
go down to drain;
if you already have an idea;
if what you have been doing is so great;
i can thought of that too;
you even already drew it out;
what am i here for;
hence i bought you dinner;
you bought me a pair of shoes;
we do not owe each other anything;
not anymore;
you do not have to tell me everything;
so am i.

Saturday, January 14, 2017

I’m sorry you were not truly loved and that it made you cruel.

if you do this long enough; that they are the one to go and say goodbye first; after a while you will get used to it and it will be ok; even if they chose to walk away.

trust me.

i have been doing this long enough.

Friday, January 13, 2017

The most interesting painting is one that expresses more of what one thinks than of what one sees.

i cancel my plan with him; because i would rather see you before she comes back; we talked about glasses; business; and a lot more stuff that we do not usually talk about; kind of surprise me that we keep it going until this far. 

As long as you have certain desires about how it ought to be you can’t see how it is.

120117; 1930;
i have definitely lose interest;
we had dinner;
you are back from there;
talking about travel plans;
movies you have watched;
good and bad one;
your business plan;
but i find you still long winded;
too many words to get to the point;
cut you short a lot of times;
show my annoyance and agitation;
cancel trip;
just because i said i am seriously dating someone;
maybe i should have done it long ago;
you do not even need to sleep over;
not anymore.

Thursday, January 12, 2017

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness.

you still ask me whether or not you should tell me something; i thought we are beyond that now; it was about a dream; that we normally would forget and do not remember the details; you said you remember this particular one last night about me; and dream is usually weird; that i am in your dream with you; doing something; obviously in love; with you mother and your wife around us; they showed no reaction; and you unsure why; you just say i haunt you even in your dream; let's just hope that is all; and that will be all; that you will ensure it all just a dream, is all. 

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

The production of too many useful things results in too many useless people

so you are the get even kind of guy; 43 years of experience with women; you said; but you still have unhappy married; divorce once; undergoing another divorce process that may or may not happen; a child; what have your 43 years of experience thought you; i wonder; 2030; arrives outside your new place; you were still getting ready; very hungry; saw your new place; with a few careless mistakes fell on your head; cut your nose; went to a doggy place; hypermarket; RM20 valet parking; care or do not care; still bitch about it; saying fuck and shit; pizzas; ice cream; bread; cooking pan; whole lots of stuff; no plastic bag; walk away; you seem like someone up there; that i will not be; im comfortable where i am; do not know what you expect; sleep over; new toothbrush; too cold; ordering around; doing stuff; you had a maid; said you do not want to get used to it; im happy to just do small things; gay experience; hospital visit; randomly talking; cozy evening nevertheless; sleep; snore; first night; as usual; strange place; not complaining; but would like to see you again; i mean it.

Sometimes you get everything you ever wanted, only it doesn’t look like what you wanted anymore.

As I was asking you if you will have a better life without me; you cant say for sure; I want you to just say yes or no; I said you will definitely have more time; but you said you probably use those time to do something else; what is the point then? I do not understand. I said we are different; you insist we are the same.

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

I’ve come to realize that sometimes, what you love most is what you have to fight the hardest to keep.

show less expectation on this one; care much less; see what happens; stop to be clingy; a long time ago; in fact.

with the other still have much affection and desire; glad to kept in touch; NY resolution; tell everything show everything; still shy; it's a good thing; love and lust; can not do one without the other; talk about news; weather; family; not her; still not her; do not ask what you do not want to know; ask before make a joke; had a good night chat; before someone is back; the longing; after a while you just can wait; after a while it becomes something you yearn and look forward to; in a good way.  

i am glad you keeping me happy, loving and alive. 

Sunday, January 8, 2017

Artists are people driven by the tension between the desire to communicate and the desire to hide.

Saying morning. Asking about plan. As usual. Talked about friend visit. I think you mistakenly thought you can visit. Say yes nevertheless naturally. You said you will go and buy some household stuff. Second date. Decided to come meet at my home.  As a visit. Waited. Shy at first. Keep on doing things. Serving tea. Cleaning table. Getting anxious. You said I am like Maria, a maid. Quite funny. You felt that I'm nervous. You can tell. You relaxed me. Everything was off. Developed fast. Kissing. Hugging. Touching. I ask if you like. You said if i don't i can say stop. I did not say i do not enjoy. That was not what i meant. Definitely sexual attraction. He already kissed me there coz he wanted to. We talk about random stuff. Some sexual some not. His parents. His brother. Watch a violent movie. I feel he is vulnerable but he recovered. He is sharing. I was a little less. We got less shy. I like his straightforwardness. He asked me about some cookies. I shared some. I do not know how will he be exactly. If we get to spend long time together. I barely know him. Hence getting intimate was a risk. Since when nothing is a risk. everything is risky. That is why you do it anyway. Twisting his right arm. I have forgotten his pain. Tea. Snacking. Nuts. Ice cream. Music. Chilling. Relax. Small nap. We both adult. Fair share of experiences. Pains. No surprises. Even though tomorrow he goes away. I asked him his expectations. The usual came out. Just spend time. Never know. He could've slept with me and gone. All for sex. He was married twice. To my surprise. His last sexual encounter. Drunk sex. Rabbit kiss. He told me upfront the time he needed to leave. I prefer. No stickiness. No clinginess. No expectations. I get used to it. I have been training for it. I really have been. I have become independent, without really even asking for it.

Saturday, January 7, 2017

Sometimes it’s the little things that bring that special someone back to us in some small way.

We have been chit chat for a short while. Not long chat. Holiday season and such. We went away. He wished me happy new year. We reconnected. Decided to grab a coffee. Change to lunch. Was talking about anything and noting. Set a place and time. 10minutes late. Asked for my appearance. Short hair. Black bag. Black cardigan. Flowery blouse. Dark blue jeans. Hope it will not be too hard to spot. He got me. We went in Plan B. Too cold. Sat outside. Windy day. Watch luxury car pass-by. Question about valet parking. Funny. Hunger drives us both to order two set of big breakfast. Tea person. With sugar. With milk. French & German. But know what he wants. Randomly chit chatting. My past relationship. Will kind of know right away. Do not mind for another meet. Teasing about washroom and asking friend to call. That was the whole day tease. Ask me to walk around mall later coz need to do some shopping. Advanced dinner plan. I'm fine with that. Walked around. We settled down for some tea and dessert. I wanted to return the favour as he bought me lunch. Saw things he would like and buy. Chit chat further about interest. My holiday. His holiday. My study. His marriage. His kid. Armin. Birthday. Not touching anything deep. Just enough to know we want to see each other again. The hitting. The biting. The grabbing. Touching smelling my hair. Holding my hair coz of the strong wind. Silly jokes we were making. Gently brushing each other arms as a sign of affection. Also mean that you do not mind the other person touching you. 5 words to describe each other. Kind. Generous. Picky. Shy. I forget the last one. He did not look like the shy type. Doesn't matter. Want to see him again. He walked me to my car. We hug and kiss goodbye. We were a little shy. Until soon. That we know. Definitely until soon.

This. All this. He did not know and he does not have to know.

Thursday, January 5, 2017

If it weren’t for second chances, we’d all be alone.

"Share more beautiful things."

photo credit:

Wednesday, January 4, 2017

Let it die. Let there be a new beginning. It’s awful. Goodnight.

forth day of new year; received two unusual calls:-

AM - from my neighbor; the kind Indian lady who seems to have a hard life; i cant help much; all i do was just listen even just a little of her venting; i hope in a way; i helped; she has a mild stroke; after work i visited her and found out; i ask her to take good care; she feels guilty that she did not do much for me and my family; i asked her not to think that way; she says she is not happy; i say as long as you do not feel sad; being unhappy is fine; as long as she is healthy.

PM - a familiar voice from afar; as long as that i have known him; he was always flying here ans there; very busy; little did i know stress has been creeping up on him; he fell ill and has been hospitalized; only been discharge day after new year; where he seems to miss xmas and new year celebration back home; we chit chat a little; sending regards; knowing each other is doing well was the best gift; he said i wasn't too enthusiastic about being happy; i said if he knows one individual that is super excited, enthusiastic and genuinely happy about life; he can introduce that person to me; he smiles; i promise to visit; at least to say hi and just to see that he is well.

two calls make me realize we have such short and unpredictable life; what we can do is seize it; do whatever you think is right and be happy about it; you need very little to be happy anyway. this i have been believing it for so long, through and thorough. 

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

The world will knock you down plenty. You don’t need to be doing it to yourself.

you went on a holiday with your family;
this is the longest you have not written;
i hope that in a far away land;
in the middle of the night;
while you were holding her;
breathing her in;
you woke up;
and then you realise;
this is just another phase in your life;
all was juts a dream;
that the three little words did not mean anything to us;
that everything that you have said should have been told to someone else;
that this is just a short meaningless spark;
that we have lied to ourselves;
believe that everything will be better;
but it won't;
and it never will.

Happy New Year 2017.

i am not sad and depress;
i see it more clearly than ever;
the three words;
i wish i am;
if not then maybe i could be.

Monday, January 2, 2017

You don’t know distance until you’ve shared your bed with someone who’s falling out of love with you.

I learn to play the game and stick to a few rules long time ago.

Rule number one. Do not ask what you do not want to know.

Rule number two. Do not ask what you do not want to know.

Rule number three. Do not ask what you do not want to know.