Monday, February 27, 2017

You don’t know what burdens other people bear. Always treat them with the greatest of care.

it's another weekend;
i have much to tell you;
we talked for a short while;
far too short for me to share it all;
the electrician issue; my assignment with classmate; my hang out with friends;
so much thoughts and after thoughts that are worth sharing and talk about;
but it was way too short your drive;
i started now to hate it when you ask what is new with me but i have to summarize and concentrate everything within 20 minutes;
we have decided and agreed to see us in May;
want an easier justification for you;
hence no where far away;
in the end;
i was surprise that you still able to know me well even i have not shared so much;
guess i am just predictable;
furthermore what else can we really say what can you really advice me with;
it doesnt get too far away but sex;
we all feel alone; empty; depress;
i was lucky i can work;
she is obviously unhappy but in the midst of get out of it;
i can only help so much;
but how can i tell you all that;
you can go home and share them;
i wont be able to and i do not want to;
in the end i have to deal with it and solve my own problems;
like how i always do.

Friday, February 24, 2017

I wish to love and be loved. To hold and be held. To kiss and be kissed. To feel and be felt. Nothing more. Nothing less.

we admit we can never have a quickie;
the sexual lust and reminicense of the good old memory;
first time driven you to my place blindfolded;
missed your call due to meeting;
then you call after your dinner;
chat was too short;
you left me hanging yearning and longing for you;
i do not want to imagine our ordinary life;
i wish even if we are together it is as passionate as we are taking it now;
driving me insane;
always get sexy with each other;
ideally in my dream;
let's be forever horny and happy with each other;
even if its just a dream.

Thursday, February 23, 2017

Wherever you go, go with all your heart.

you thank me for making time with you even with the distraction;
i was surprise;
didnt know you would notice that;
i was not joking when i said if we were with each other for 25 years i will no longer give you the type of attention that i have given you;
for now because of our circumstances which is totally normal;
why would i want to miss out any second that i could spend with you or talk with you;
i cant afford to;
i do not have a life time with you;
although we half jokingly said we should live until 73 and you 100;
because eventually one day;
you and i both know;
we will run out of things to say to each other anyway.

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

A mistake repeated more than once is a decision.

i start to afraid of our "for argument sake" statement;
i start to afraid that we compare too much;
i start to afraid that we start to sway away of what we are initial here for. 

Monday, February 20, 2017

I have always loved too much or not enough.

the love i have for you is dragging me down emotionally;
i need some other avenue;
so that i know you are not the only one in my mind;
i contact him again;
just to get you out of my head;
just to balance of the imbalance and jealousy i have in me;
otherwise i will be eating up slowly;
by a scary creature that i have created myself.

Friday, February 17, 2017

I want to be loved and to be left alone.

As I was asking you if you will have a better life without me; you cant say for sure; I want you to just say yes or no; I said you will definitely have more time; but you said you probably use those time to do something else; what is the point then? I do not understand. I said we are different; you insist we are the same.

Thursday, February 16, 2017

You can’t just change me and then leave.

i am afraid that i cant be there for you;
that you do not need me;
that something bad would happen to you and i cant help you;
just because of the circumstances make it so;
then in the end i have to tell myself to walk away and admit to the fact that we are here just for the sex.

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

I am doing something I hate for you. This is what it means to be in love.

you told me to do it in the way that i feel best;
i know then from that moment on;
i will start to share; speak; talk; move; think;
and get ready to one day get really terribly hurt;
and that i have to crawl back to my own cave;
and lick the wound off on my own;
once more;
you told me you will do new things to me when we next meet;
that excites me once more;
and i do not mind the wait;
the pain;
the longing;
i hate you and yet you make me love you more.

Monday, February 13, 2017

It has made me better, loving you.

we did it again;
had a short weekend of great time;
you said stupid things that made me cried;
i have learnt that i am such a inexperience little girl with you;
we had some stupid argument;
i do not want to become her;
i asked you if you know why i am really upset;
you said you rather me settle down until i am less emotional;
i do not want you to guess;
i am not into game;
it is ok for you to say no;
you had me guessing;
you are also the one that like to be offer and ask sometimes;
you do not like to feel in debt;
that you are depending on someone else for happiness;
you do not like it because you think of it as a service;
and you need to give something in return;
i wont mind if you take a sip from whatever i am having;
i am more than happy to share;
but i will also not say it;
to avoid rejection and disappointment;
we told each other;
we will ask if we want it;
i asked you about our best memory;
it was our second night together;
whenever i am with you i do not want to hear about anyone else;
i cried numerous time;
you say you will find other if you re not with me;
plain sex and desire in between dishonesty;
we talked openly about so many things;
sex; first kiss; moral; being human; life;
we talked about how i have to deal with things myself where you have somewhere you belong and go back to;
you said i have it too but this is something you will never understand but you allow me to do it by myself the most comfortable way i want to;
i am afraid to expose my vulnerability to be bare naked in front of you to have no where to turn nothing i can go back to to fall back on;
at least now i have myself i still have a wall;
we do not know what will happen in 5 years;
you know it does not take any more hot stuff to excite you;
i am somewhere you escape to and so as you to me;
we excited about a secret get together to be away;
we are our little getaway for each other;
a run out of our routine;
i was silly enough to think that we would sit for a few stops but then we had to part;
once more train;
i insisted;
i am so afraid to lose you;
i do not think i can accept it;
you are too egoistic to let me go;
"do you want to still see us?"
yes - and that is all you needed to say;
you had me;
you always do;
have you thought about how to spend this short weekend with me before we meet;
no, but i always know that it will be easy with you;
because i cant be and i do not want to be another exact copy of someone to you;
we both have our own agenda;
to stay on;
to want to stay on;
so we did.

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

The two hardest things to say in life are hello for the first time and goodbye for the last.

settling stuff for your family;
both of us, especially me always feel awfully bad;
you did call yesterday evening a very prompt call;
i rather you did not call;
i rather we did not talk;
so i will not become sad and longing;
you call again this morning another very brief call;
we talking about the meet;
i could've booked an earlier flight to wait for you instead of you waiting for me;
you redefining the word "wait";
you do not mind;
i got panic;
we could have planned better somehow;
you kept asking me to relax;
i would argue i did mention an early flight because of the holiday;
then we did not go for it considering this is your business trip that i should match your timing;
5 hours wait;
you say you can do things;
the hotel is some distance;
we would be tired;
this time we should talk;
we probably should part ways;
it has been a year;
it should be enough and had been enough for us;
i kept telling myself;
i am happy i am happy i am happy;
but i am sad;

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

The best way I can love you is by not losing myself in you, but growing with you.

you were away;
we can rarely talk to each other;
out of our routine;
i was afraid i start to depend on you;
lose myself in you;
i try not to;
i do other things;
many many things;
get you off my mind;
get myself occupied;
not an easy task;
i thought i will be alright;
then comes the day;
i thought we are back to our routine;
you couldn't for one reason;
i would have to understand;
i have no choice;
it is behind the back of my head;
i know why and i do not want to compromise;
i said mean things;
i stay quiet;
we know it;
we have set to see each other again;
maybe we will let it go this time;
it is sensible;
this time.

Friday, February 3, 2017

What does it matter how many lovers you have if none of them gives you the universe?