Monday, November 28, 2016

There are no wrong turnings. Only paths we had not known we were meant to walk.

you kept saying that i am special; that you love me; you said that twice; i urge you not to say that three little word so lightly; because i feel for you and will hold you responsible; i will hold you against it insensibly; now of course magic is only very very difficult to keep at the same level in daily life; we know this; it is not rocket science.

so we finished the course of love; we briefly talk about it because we don't have a lot of time; i sent you a 5 minutes review in voice; you too were telling me that you love me very much, twice; what does this all mean though? maybe it is not a matter of right or wrong; maybe it is just a matter how this relationship of ours affect each other's life in the long run; how would it affect her; what sort of things/ feelings we aiming to achieve; will it hurt us? sooth us? make us better? or no changes or effect at all? we perhaps know the how and why; we just do not know when; this time maybe it is time to decide - when.

or perhaps - eventually you will realise, maybe there's people you love and maybe there's people you marry and they are not the same people.

Saturday, November 26, 2016

They told me life is tough. I told them I was tougher.

i like you enough to kiss you;
i just do not know if i like you enough to get to know you more;
to get together and be together with you;
or perhaps you will just turn into another hang out;
i do not know if i like you enough to keep going;
at this point i am happy that we don't talk to much and we are leaving each other alone;
i am actually glad.

Friday, November 25, 2016

I am not a place for cowards.

you are back a while now; but been sick; finally meeting you tonight; you suggested to have dinner near by my place; i know what you are thinking; i refuse it and just say let's have dinner nearby; because it will be jam; but deep down; i do not feel like sleeping with you anymore; we have lost it; at least i do; then after dinner; over some travel plan next year and randomly updating me about stuff; you didn't even remember you are suppose to bring the coffee pot for me to try out; instead you thought you will buy me another pair of shoes; again; then you say; let's go to our place; since you  insist and mention it; i feel reluctant and obligated; so i did not say no; reach my place; we have an hour to spare; happened quickly and quietly; there was not any sparks; not anymore; i know i have already lost it since that day i found out the truth.

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

To tell someone not to be emotional is to tell them to be dead.

I want to tell you. When i see you naked last night in your bed and got so horny, all my blood rushed thru me, imagining being with you in the same room, touching and feeling each other, that's when you made me hot, undressed and cum for you. This desire is insatiable. 

As for the quote, i believe everyone is a little lost in their own way. You and i even. I often intrigued about you and your marriage and how you would carry on . . . Knowing very well that although i did not cause you any trouble. I also wonder are we both just lost or looking for a replacement of something we yearn for temporarily, we sort of found something in each other, me for a partner and you are looking for love that lost in someone while trying to find a way back to your wife, you did mention before you want to try.  sometimes i do not understand much and also it seems complicated, that's the line we don't cross anyway. 

To be honest, i like the word lost... Maybe i am too practical and often time too hard on myself you know? To want to get everything right, it's tiring. I like the idea and feeling of getting lost with you. i know too often i have romanticized and idealized our relationship, i wish also we argue and fight. I know i am silly like that, plus even if you are a lost boy, you are MY lost boy.  I like the quote and the writer. :) 

I know this is a bigger topic that we have no luxury to talk about it due to the lack of time. This also would be best if we get to talk about it in person, like how we normally do, nevertheless we make do of what we have. 

I send you another quote by David Levithan: -  Last night, i got up the courage to ask you if you regretted us. "There are things i miss, " you said. "But if I didn't have you, I'd miss more. " 
I agree wholeheartedly. Thank you for everything, so far. :) 

Monday, November 21, 2016

Nothing ever happens like you imagine it will… but then again, if you don’t imagine, nothing ever happens at all.

it was supposed to be a breakfast meeting; i did not give up; somehow naively; still trying in a way; met him; in shorts and flip flop; as he pre-warned me; did not mind it at all; some values are the same; tolerate stupid people; level of impatient; the word "separated"; afraid of the past emotional baggage; didn't reveal so much on the past; dont wish to; what is the point; answer question with question; give up too easily to an answer because fail to retrieve it the first time; still looking for something; both restless and directionless; nine hours of meeting; forfeit plan B; not as square; breakfast my bread is better; Japanese as lunch; close with a pint and cigarettes; everyone lies; something still entangling; unsure how to take it; again it was something from your past that i will not be able to change; feeling unwanted; havent found what he is looking for; i am getting too rusty for this; nevertheless we will see.

nerd; lie; forgetful; teasing to BIG again and again; star wars; fist bump; gave up easily; 80;s music; bantering; was a fun day in a nice way.

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

We’ll survive, you and I.

second night - we meet again; you made time for me; we had real nice Japanese dinner; you told them you wanted a night to rest and spend some time on your own; you got the other thing that you supposed to get and bump into someone; you thought it was funny; i let lose a bit more; pragmatically boxy; you kind of describe me; control freak even; you seem to see through me; i am pretty predictable anyway i have to admit; you curious and intrigued about my exterior that doesn't match how i am inside and you wonder why; you use too many good compliments on me; i feel overwhelmed; you said we click you feel me all over you and that you enjoy the feeling but i already thinking about when you have to leave; why does it matter? of course i dont have to care; i can just sleep with you; and then you go away and then our lives back to normal; but what does that mean? you can't even fix things with her and you will be far away; however beautiful you say i am it doesn't mean anything if you are not here with me and it is not just only you; there's another him too but the trickiness is the same.

third night - after class again; i brought beer; manage to arrive on time; tried to scare you; didnt succeed; you are a marketing guy; you always have a way with words; one of the reasons you are here somewhat because of me; another fantastic night; i stayed over; because it was late when we are done; i had a simple breakfast; lots of thoughts running around my head.

forth night - we skipped a night because we couldn't match the time to meet; we plan on the fifth.

fifth night - i wanted to meet you so much; i was glad we drove home after the event and it was my graduation night; little wine; little chat; all the sensual touching; talking; wildly sexual encounter; the intensity that drives each other mad; i slept over; slept in until 10am and we had room service; call to order 5 to eleven; funny; we have some jokes and chat as well; trying to locate the thing for two times; got fed up and upset until we gave up and let lose.

sixth night - we let each other rest

seventh night - you detached from the rest and waited for me; i thought you will be busy; i thought we will not be able to meet; it's your last night here after all; always half full - always; you thought me; i open up to you a little bit about myself i thought i never would again; all the lame jokes; sexual remarks; the tenderness; gentleness; sweat; wetness; tightness; the tipping point; the peak point; the cracking; the pushing; the thrusting; all these overwhelming emotions; we did not make out last night here awkward; we did not part ways weirdly; if anything i will always remember this. you have to believe that you can always love a few people at the exact same time, always.

This is a strange place as I'm living a weird life and 38 is not exactly the best age to be, at least not in my case anyway.

Thursday, November 10, 2016

Some pain shouldn’t be wished away so easily. It had to be dealt with even embraced.

I actually want you to yell at me, shout at me so loud that i cant stand it, so nasty thing to me that makes me hate you.

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Being alone has nothing to do with how many people are around.

another him; from somewhere else; i cut contact; i was afraid; too overwhelming that i share too much with too many people and start to get too emotional; will it prevent me from getting hurt? no; i use it as an excuse it would; but it won't; he knows it; he says he know me a little; he was glad to see me; he fell asleep; i waited; i didn't go away; we had an intense session; i was close up to begin with; you try to open me up; easing me to speak; but i couldn't; not so much anyway; because in the end you will leave; just like everyone else.

all of them,



Tuesday, November 8, 2016

But I love you, I love you for that too, not only for your virtues, but also for your malice.

i slept really early after a tiresome weekend with friends; i feel all my energy has been sucked out; was trying to do a little bit of assignment and i gave up; yoga center was closed due to some emergency which i saw an update that someone has passed away; i wake in the middle of the night; i slept again; awake at 5; texted you; our time are upside down; you just got home from a movie; you enjoyed it with your family; you wanted to call in 10 minutes; you did sooner; i was surprised and you said you really wanted to see me; you were playing; i notice and then i realise you didnt say anything or ask for more playfully; i would have let you talk dirty to me; but you are not that type; you turn me on too as i slowly undress myself for you; then it happened; we miss each other; everything is in silence because you can not talk too loud; it is worth it; i wonder can we keep this up; without being physical; i really wonder.

good night my love. until soon.

Monday, November 7, 2016

What you do, the way you think, makes you beautiful.

i have friends visit during the weekend; on and off during gap we still chat flirtatiously; sometimes i lost track how exactly i should feel; i can only know that when i see you; then all the feelings will come back to me.

thank you.

i am so sorry.

i love you.

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

When you love you wish to do things for. You wish to sacrifice for. You wish to serve.

i got up to get breakfast and lunch ready; you travel back again; the pick up is at 6.30am; you will call me then; you did; on time; again; not really relax; as your usual self coz of the long way; i shrug and smile; we talked about some fun stories; a mouse stealing cheese; random stuff; my hangover weekend and lost pool games and my meet up with J and how he wasnt too worried; even his gf; i have to say i will not be so calm; i would properly yell at people or you; you said again you and i are similar; you were glad someone asked about your presence after few weeks of away; you feel pleased; i would too; that means that someone remembers you; you were telling me about your trip back home; easy going and you want to socialise more; i talk briefly about my class; about some ethic and non sexual relationship; we are different; thats how i feel; you listen to my problem and i also listen to yours; we still want to meet; i want you to pick some place near that centralise so that it does not trouble us too much; so you can justify it; i ask you to think about it more but on the other hand i already want to prepare for it; you said it is easy to talk to me but perhaps deep down i want to create chaos; so that you know that it is not all that great with me; so you find a reason to walk away; so that you realise in the long run this will not work; i cant help but think that we are romanticizing our relationship too much and both want us to become this ideal projection of the one we want to be with; which we have lost in the middle of the way or perhaps that someone that we long for but unable to reach and get.

in the end -

I want to say something is missing....  then i think maybe it's more like someone... But in actual perhaps maybe its not even someone... Its a feeling with someone; but in this case the someone happens to be you.

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

I hope that I’m always struggling, really. You develop when you’re struggling. When you’re struggling, you get stronger.

we haven't spoke since 11am; i guess you are busy; you did not say if you are going to call tomorrow;  there's this mutually unspoken rule between us; while we live on; we thread carefully not to disturb each other; i went for the class; for one hour; then went home; i thought i can go to another class tomorrow morning; i did not because i know you would call; you did text; i waited for you; you were asking me why i didn't drive on; because i like it when we have some time for each other; and i know we can only squeeze so much time together; as much as i can do i will; so for this few times i stay home talk to you until you reach office and have a few minutes of the video call as well; that is the time every time when i see you that determine it to me again the reason why i love you so; i talk about the trip again seeking for confirmation; you seem to made up your mind; i do not want to tell you what to do and how to live your life; but i worry because you are such a bad liar; what are you going to tell her; she is clever; she will figure out; because we are all smart people; i do not know; you can still joke around saying that they will be nobody there to see us at the airport; so many great memories in the past and you say you want to have mire with me in the future; you talk about some small stuff; randomly here and there; i still feel attracted to you; so very strongly; you said you will call earlier tomorrow; i will be waiting; as usual; mein liebling.