Monday, November 20, 2017

I don’t have any time to stay up all night worrying about what someone who doesn’t love me has to say about me.

I’m not someone that is really good with words. I try as much as possible to show you how I feel when we are together and yet sometimes I still feel shy on certain things, like last night when you asked me to touch myself for you and then now when I want to tell you how I truly appreciate this newly developed relationship, be it romance or being good friends. As I said, we do how we do as how it fits best for the both of us. I was so happy we can open share it. Even back when the first time we met. The feeling was already mutually strong. You would’ve hold my hand if I were to touch you way back when in that cafe when we first met. You do not even mind me smoking. You want to make a balcony for me. You want to protect me and care for me. I feel no more the emotion disconnection. You said we work as a team. I lean towards the practical side. I like that of you. Very much. You like my black bikini and my jeans shorts. You appreciate me and often tell me I’m beautiful like no one else. We also just naturally talk about kid. You want one. I feel like the both of us still like kids ourselves but I do not feel hesitate to talk about that in front on you. You give me a safe and comfortable space to be myself, to share, to talk and to open up like I never been before. I want to say thank you. thank you for making me run again. thank you for praising me. one thing you do not know about me is that i just need a lot of validation and my lack of self esteem normally takes ages to diminish. i am just so into you although what we had is not as hot af. 

Sunday, November 19, 2017

I’m confused. Really confused. And it’s a lot deeper than you think. Deeper… darker… colder.

thank you for making run again; i have very strong desire to be with you; i like how you came over and sit behind me on a chair; i like how you want to remind me about a question that flash by that i have forgot but i wanted to ask; i like how you got panic on a question i have asked you that you have answered soemthing that may or may not have upset me; you remember the question; i pretend i have forgotten; that was how you feel; better than being single; the idea of having a girl field that never sleep over; i am one that constantly do so and you happy that i do; many many small things; in the end i do not mind; you reminded me since a week ago the three points of argument; it did not happen this week; you are glad; i like that you wake and make me coffee; really nice coffee; i have very strong desire to be with you; as you said; we are just click. 

Sunday, November 12, 2017

When someone is going through a storm, your silent presence is more powerful than a million, empty words.

first - you felt uncomfortable; end up you didn't go dancing; i thought it's my fault; you said it was not; we manage to go the next night; i enjoyed myself; seeing you doing things that you like; you will be freer without me being there; i had experience it; i  know how it is; from now on; you will be on your own to go dancing; i am no longer sure anymore if two people being together whether having shared interest is really that important; it becomes grey to me; i used to think it is important; maybe because now i think communication is more important; second - about traveling; you confused me with your intention; you said you no longer wan to travel alone; you read something that changes your mind; suddenly you wanted to go for a trip; you plan to do something for the house; because of this soemthing you read you put it behind; i guess it's important to weigh what you have said and process that information and also include me in the conversation along the way; just to avoid confusion; i will be okay whatever you do; because as you are i respect your space and freedom; which i am expecting you to respect mine; how my best friend reminded me about a video; went a watch it to refresh my memory about how guys and girls brains wired totally differently; if science can explain it; then there must be some truth in it; third - about decision making; i can go on; but I'm glad last night; we hold hands and talked it thorough and find each other very compatible in our own way; i even put it bluntly on what the difference between: being physical unattractive; to sexually incompatible; to how she is not a good fuck; to low desire of having sex with her; and to ask you what is a good fuck; all these bluntness that allow me to be myself around you and looking for words that fit in your mouth; i hope i will never ever get tired of this thing. 

Saturday, November 11, 2017

Words are alive; cut them and they bleed.

It has been a roller coaster few weeks.

We met again. After so long. Funny though we miss each other even more.

I cry. you ask me not to. I feel sad that you will be going away; as much as i tried to cover it.

Stupid goodbye my lover song came up. Just in time. Although random.

Dinner without satay. Make an excuse for you to come back. more and more and more. 

Sunday, October 29, 2017

There’s always one who loves and one who lets himself be loved.

spent the whole weekend together; meals; looking for shoes; feeling this limitless joy; care; worry; the desire; miss you dearly; an ordinary man; travel abroad; talking to no end; see you after parted for 2 hours; wish this feeling can last forever; we cant do the thing we wish to; happy; safe and sexually satisfied; all i remembered; all that is important; home is a feeling and home is a house; clearly defined difference; do not ever want to be alone again; you looking for my smell on the pillow; hope we are going to kiss goodbye even though we have been together for a long time; so many little things that bond us together; smart remark; stupid questions; many many things that we do not mind about, yet; i remain skeptical, somehow, someway. 

Thursday, October 26, 2017

Make sure that the love is worth the price of a broken heart.

you like that i can stay inside of you for a long time and we continue to talk;
you like that i do my own stuff and you do your own stuff when we are being together;
you always thank me after we pick the selection you offer; be it choice of restaurants or choice of activities;
we laugh about a lot of things;
in the end i wonder if you are dating me for practical reason.

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

Having a soft heart in a cruel world is courage, not weakness.

what a pampering day; done my nails; my relaxing massage; small shopping; light lunch; went back home; wait for you; waited for you at the station; car park by the side; conversation about buying property; living together; getting married have never felt so comfortable before; we had Japanese food and dessert; then decide to have drinks in a place that you have not been before; so far i checked two places that i brought you and that you like; you have checked out a long list and you need to add on more to your list so that we have places to go together; we talk about traveling to places; traveling to the world; i asked you to tell me soemthing that i do not know about you personally; still indirectly avoiding the question; i do not know if its because i  like you so much now i cant see your flaws and what i do not like about you; i do not want to say i love you yet; i want to bring you to see them but i need to be sure; we watched 20 minutes of Godfather; we kissed and went to go to bed;
i like the feeling being with you is so real that i do not need to pretend i am someone else; i only hope this time it will last a lifetime.

Happy Birthday to me. im super thrilled that i have reached this point before i hit 40.