Wednesday, October 4, 2017

The soul that sees beauty may sometimes walk alone.

i often forgetful; sometimes you use work and telling me things i do not get or i have to process or i have to analyse; you said you do not mind me forget; is that forever; you say you happy you found me; we spent in the most simplest manner; bought mooncake on mooncake festival; passed yo shampoo; drinking tea; enjoy our time together; you mentioned about a young new friend; even she knows about me; you mention about revenge and forgiveness; but is revenge a form of forgiveness; i am glad you are open to talk when we are together; i asked you why you do not approach me; you made me feel rejected; even though i saw you are high; you just simple say; because tomorrow we need to wake early; as simple as that; difference between boyfriend and partner; you do not want to be an old boyfriend because you are already forty; it is funny you think that way; fair indian i called you; reading ikea catalog; about slapping and bitch slapping; you are not shy in front of me; i am totally natural and comfortable with each other; we talked about trips again; you mentioned how you like your job now very much; although you still wish you found a permanent job; we wonder who will say it first; in the end.

Saturday, September 30, 2017

I love you, that means I’m not just here for the pretty parts. I’m here no matter what.

The last thing you said at 3am in the morning after you met with your friend; i saw you online then offline; then i said hi; "i am incredibly happy to you are in my life"; back to the beginning; random notes; bit of pieces of our weekend; this weekend we are supposed to spend time together; this is the first time you drop by at a station near my office; i drop work 30 minutes earlier; walked to the station to greet you; also because i have never been to the station myself; it would be my first time and a good excuse; double check on the train; made sure you are not out yet; saw you from far; your black pants and grey shirt; you were saying you probably should not wear a white shirt underneath other colour; i said it is fine; you are too self-conscious sometimes; we walked to get my car and drove out from here; sick of all the restaurant choices in the mall; we arrived at a cosy little Thai place; pork and rice; i will remember that; we had dinner; chit chat; talking about your weekend wear; how you are very particular on certain things; talk about car; work; your one upcoming interview is very important but the various job applications are not; you do not see the value of sharing it; reason why; because you see that as mundane and petty; as your dad normally shared; you wonder why do people share such a thing; i told you because people wan to know and from there little things they will; i should tell you to care more; get back to my house; listen to music; chit chat; watch a cartoon show; small part about therapy that i totally agreed; presence is important to you; you are trying to sell your house; what is your dream car; went to a teak shop for furniture; showroom for some information related to your work location; early morning toast date; talking about risk; i kept monitoring you are a safe guy; you beg to differ; that just one example the risk you have took; afterwards we went back home; relax a little bit more; you will set your mind to it once you have a plan; i lure you into doing soemthing else; you agreed; we had this beautiful moment where we spend together; you like the intimacy; watching you sleep and snore; you are a light sleeper; i was hungry after; you picked a nice place for lunch; you glad that i went with your preference and like it so far; i can see you are happy and proud; i treated you coffee; two americano; sat there; reading; chit chat; lighthearted afternoon; after some checking out all the places we are supposed to go; i send you back to your home; watching dance track and video; the one thing that sets us apart; i am not so worry; there is just so many things that we want to do; at least we have planned for mid week meeting; i am happy; very very happy.

Friday, September 29, 2017

I was quiet, but I was not blind.

i realise i am jumping ahead in your life by just unpacking your bag of clothes; i have to stop; you and i both start slow; we are still two separate individual; we have differences; you say it's ok; because you know i did it with a good feeling; that is not the point; the point is you need to let me know that it is not ok and we deal with it; with me let's leave nothing sweep under the rug; i give a fuck about you; i want to be your problem; i want to deal with it together with you; do not say it is ok; you do not care; or whatever anymore; usually when people say that kind of thing they also kind of care about it the most; i am happy we can share; sex was amazing; short answer; you texted me 4am in the morning; you said it is because of Friday; i told you it is otherwise; i want to be blunt as i am; without hiding my feelings; not anymore; i used to write; i run the other way when i find happiness is approaching; because it seems impossible for me to be happy; because people simply disappoint me; i will find all sort of excuses/ reasons/ justifications; in the end just to tell myself; i told you so; because if it's too good to be true; it probably is; it has been 2 weeks and up until now; i remain a realist and pessimist; until life proves me wrong; otherwise; then we shall see.

Thursday, September 28, 2017

One day, you heart will stop beating, and none of your fears will matter. What will matter is how you lived.

2792017; 2020; I thought we are not seeing each other; because you said you will be working late; i sent you voice note saying that i miss you last night; that i wish we can spend longer time together; the daily morning and evening text are just unfulfilling; unsatisfying; today; you have changed your mind; said that we can meet; if i am free; there is still certain thing you are not saying; in your head you are thinking; even the way you answer question; you would be saying something that may or may not lead you to answer directly; in the end it makes me think; but it does not answer the question; finally we manage; you told a close friend about me; she asked you not to rush into it; u mentioned juvenile about her comment; I suggested to send you home and sleep over; you didn't read the main point; we manage to correct that; because you said it's far and it left me wondering; you said I offer to send you home; kindness touched you; kindness is a big thing for you; we had dinner; bought some beers; talk in your home; about kids; about my friends; my sister; your sister; family; you said i used to say are you always this funny when i mention you are not naturally funny (with kids); i added; manage to get off the hook; you like kid when they aged 9 - 10; but you can't have a baby that way; you messed with my hair and say no matter how you mess with it i still look good; you said i smell good; i said you smell better because you had a shower; you keep on compliment my eyes that i have sparkle in them; you asked me if i will ever get bored of the same compliment; i say not yet; eventually perhaps; you remember things that i say; maybe because i like you and i do not mind so much for now; we continue on to have another beer; talk about stuff; sharing; you are so glad i am here tonight; you hold me from behind; such warm and cozy feeling growing; i asked you about happiness; person and material both combined makes you happy; also about regrets; you said you have many; concept of family that you can't gauge; you like my grey dress; it was nothing fancy; you want to help me undress then you say wow; if you have a zip on your dress; I will unzip it now; you revealing your sexy side ever so subtly; i am happy we are able to talk about sex even when we just newly know each other; rough sex doesn't turn you on; you are not a rough guy; extramarital affair when you were young; we both had; somewhat something in common; I like the way you are particular and being gentle with me; you are an over thinker; you are square; you work well with German; I told you; finally we nail something together; i am waiting for the eventually; because in the end; we may or may not be together.

He notice me
He notice what I wear
He notice my new bag
He notice me
He notice

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

The fact that I’m silent doesn’t mean I have nothing to say.

received your voice massages early in the morning; was a nice surprise; 4 person circling around me; you stood out; i feel you feel more; i reply about how i feel too; getting attach with you; such intensity; i joke about coffee; then realise i  have the time; decided to drop by; timing was so right; saw your boss, colleagues walked out; gave you a quick call and cover up; you showed me around your small office; you said this is by far the best surprise; since a year ago; you want to top that; i told you the forest was your best; we had a coffee; chatted lightheartedly; you said i pop up first thing in the morning and I'm the last person you think about when you end your day; we parted and we know we are going to see each other soon; we are already part of each other's life; whether we like it or not; as i say it; i give a fuck about you; big time; very very big time. 

Some people will never fit into your life, no matter how much you want them to.

Monday night; 250917; 1900; you asked is he a french guy? i told you about him; we saw each other after so long; the intense feeling is still there; you told me everything is fine; i saw a big smile on your face; underneath that smile i see bravery and the courage of holding in the pain; you will be fine; i have no doubt; i bought us some small sandwiches; you want to stay friend with me forever; you say you dont need me; you just want me to be there; in your life; which i already am; in a small way; you finished the book; you like it; you said you wish you can spend one night here with me; just one more night; the feeling lingers; it keep on lingering.

Tuesday, September 26, 2017

If you always do what interests you, at least one person is pleased.

i like that i can smoke with you; and that you like the taste of cigarette in my mouth when we kiss; also the taste of beer; you ask if you are weird; you are not; because i am weird too.

The biggest lesson I’ve learned is, It’s okay. It’s okay for me to be kind to myself. It’s okay to be wrong. It’s okay to get mad. It’s okay to be flawed. It’s okay to be happy. It’s okay to move on.
-- Hayley Williams

Sunday, September 24, 2017

Everyone you idolize wakes up scared to be themselves sometimes.

i bought you nuts and wine; I'm bad at gift; i do not really know what you like; i rather get you soemthing you will use; there is still a lot of things i do not know about you; I'm at your home; on time; you greet me; we talk; listen to music; you gave me a tour of the house; the house is very muji; very you; we talked about tattoo; you said you want to get one too; you changed your mind; now you are reconsidering it again; because i am here; i said you do not have to change your plan because of me; i feel such a sweet feeling; that someone is here for me; caring for me; want to do things for me; which i thought i have lost this feeling for the longest time; i remained skeptical; not letting anything jump into my head too quiet; i am just too level headed; sensible; pragmatic; practical and pessimistic altogether; i asked you what you would do differently if you can have a new relationship all over again; you said more sharing and open communication; i agreed; we have some values that we shared like punctuality; certainty; clarity and i hope we will have much more match; i appreciate that you showed me the 17 items that are important to you; based on ranking and achievement; you said you want to move up "love one" under family two; the difference is family is the one you are already in; family 2 is someone you are going to get; you told me about deleted the app; asking me hypothetical question how do we spend time together as married couple; we smoke; we say sorry a lot; we want to make each other comfortable; we cook pasta; have soup together; the kitchen needed some feminine touch; we talk about you visit my hometown; if we ever be together; the things we would do; photos; your friends; you told a friend about me and i told a friend about you; i do not want to jump the gun; i am not even feeling anxious; nervous and afraid; i am just going along with a good flow; your life has been somewhat stabilize after you met me; you still nervous about getting a permanent job; that will come eventually; you kept saying thank you that i am here; that i am with you; that you feel so good around me; the way you talk calms me and i tend to talk slower as well; i like how you want to hold my hand when i sit across the table; how you remove the small pot of plant; how you hold me and lean onto me when you sat on my left side; how you hold my hands when we are watching videos; how we made fun of each other; about the music we dislike; you into dancing i don't; i wonder can this last long; even when we are old and wrinkly; i made fun of you saying that you should list it down n your profile - girl that can sleeps in a room with no fan; and many minor things that we sort of talk about; we made some silly and fun jokes; i even like how we were awake and make small talk in the middle of the night; i asked about your burping and when you say you want to spend time with me is it because of your loneliness; in your room; under the air cond; you move the bed for me; i asked you if you always this attentive; you say you think so; i wish you will stay like this to me and with me; always; and i mean always :)