Thursday, June 22, 2017

There’s nothing wrong with not understanding yourself.




















Suddenly;

I feel competitive;

I want to also experience as much as you do, sexually;

I know it's wrong but it feels so right;

Because I know I am capable of hurting myself;

That you will leave;

And we don't belong to each other;

No matter what we do;

We don't own us. Or owe us. Or is there even us?

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

There are many who love in this world, but very few who commit.














the different intention about sexual attraction;
based on the different relationship you have with people;
you enjoy being with me because we can have love, sex and friendship;
that we can talk openly about topics;
most of the times we can't help but compare;
we must or at least i must remember it is not about me at all;
i do not know what will happen with my friend and i;
i dont think i will tell you even there's something happen;
we talk about being attracted to each other;
if you do not aim for good looking then you are talking bullshit;
if you dont want to feel attracted with other you are also actually bullshitting;
the truth is we both know how we want to feel and we are more relaxed in doing so;
realising you are in an open marriage is not something new to me;
it seems like you were the one pushing her to do so many things and ended up this way;
although he is not very attractive but he gains your wife attention in a good way which makes her feel good;
i want to ask how come you cant change to be like that;
but we all know the answer to that;
and you do not seem to care because you will not change yourself to please anyone;
clearly you both know what are you guys doing and i do not want to ask anymore;
after all our relationship is founded based on lust, pure sheer lust and nothing beyond that at all;
at least i am thinking so;
somehow it drives me to experience even more; with or without you.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

The scariest thing about distance is that you don’t know whether they’ll miss you or forget you.




















we talked about the technology stuff one cant live without;
then we are onto hypothetical question: if you are on an island, what 5 things would you bring?
it all comes back to basic necessity in life in the end;
we do not need more;
we need only little things to be happy;
come to think about it;
you still remember that April;
where i surprise you and it remains this piece of good  memory;
me too; you stumble in the lift; blindfolded; door was lock; you waited patiently until i came up again; cakes; candle; perfume; Starbucks; a movie; end with a beautiful lake side dinner; i was crying on the way back in a cab;
one bad one luckily has not spoiled it yet;
you fantasize how you would want me to dress;
how a group sensual environment turn you on;
the ambient;
i still drilling on the idea you are not mind;
i will never get one hundred percent of your attention;
i need to re-work on the strategy;
by not giving you what you want;
but getting what i want instead.

Monday, June 19, 2017

There are some people you’ll never see again. At least, not in the same way.














it's Monday morning;
we had our usual 30min chat while you were driving to work;
we briefly touch on how our weekend was;
avoiding the insertion of individual;
you went for a sweaty jog;
you praise all the photos i have sent you;
i would have never thought you will keep appearing and lingering in my mind;
the first thing i told you was i really miss you;
with the line cut off twice;
every moment that i miss makes me feel each second is wasted;
that i thought about you a lot over the weekend;
that you wanted to ask me if i want to to together in the country;
only to go and experience something that you had;
i hesitated;
i feel like a child;
it's almost impossible to get you to experience something new having been living longer than i;
you want to bring me to experience something new; with you;
i can only argue that it will be something new because you have never done it with me before;
you are going with them in July;
slowly i started to see people;
so i have more control
feel lesser pain knowing all the time that i could not be with you;
we talk about books;
if you want it with other it is ok too;
also about therapist; beauty; exercising watch;
you like the way i make fun of you;
how us all are much different when we come to the point each time;
i would make you come over and over;
if i ever could.

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Her chaos is order. I’m in love with her madness.




















Happiness is a delusion. At least sometimes. It seems to be.

Not everyone willing to chase after the sort of happiness they long for or yearning for.

Because after the chase. Then what? So what?

Saturday, June 17, 2017

I barely noticed loneliness anymore; it was my normal condition, by necessity if not by nature.




















all these years;
i thought i have a moving goal post;
with the different phase in my life;
i am turning forty next year;
now i realise;
i am the same girl as i was before;
with the same goal;
wanting to love and be loved;
that was in my intro in same online post years ago;
and who i am and what i think now;
remains exactly the same;
just a girl;
wanting to love and be loved;


end.

Friday, June 16, 2017

When someone won’t let you in, eventually you stop knocking. Know what I mean?














we are glad and enjoy the fact that we can talk about anything; about a topic; or off a topic; or just something branching out of a topic; the short 30min phone call getting shorter; sometimes it slips your mind and you did not call; but then what can i do; how is it with her; maybe sometimes it;s about a book; work; sex; relationship between us; but one thing i know; we cant talk about family; your family; it hard not to compare; while you doing it with me; what about her; when you say you love me; what about her; you mentioned an article; a couple could sit there and say nothing but feel a connection; a couple can also sit there talk about something shallow and no feel anything; how is it with you and her; you strongly defending your family style against anything i may say; i know you are getting defensive; thinking the communication you have with your family; although not the best; but at least it's something; you are against everything when you find a wee but sense of condemn against it; but why are you here now then with me; what are you trying to achieve; i often brake when i suspect the answer that came out from you will not be something i wanted to hear; i stop then; so not to hurt myself in advanced; i get used to it in my various relationships i have been thru; we argue about the book; it is not something you understand; you have a family; you have a relationship from scratch; not a bad one; although maybe sometimes out of it; but you are finding your way back; i can't; i want t own you; whenever i get my time with you; i want you to make me your priority; but you couldn't; what else can i say; that i'm disappointed; you are not mine to begin with; you hate woman that still turn to a man when the man treated her badly; because you are never in a situation where you need to be taken back; where you seem desperate and have no where to go to; i was that person; what are you trying to show? who are you trying to please? you have her; show her love; give her to her; that's about enough; i do not care what is going on between you two; i'm hurt enough from the past; i am still hurting; i cant change it; our exchange is just sexual; we have to admit that; i am no one special; i am never special; it was just timing; that is all; i like this line; that set us apart; keeping me sane as my last line of defense; it will never be fair if you choose not to tell me everything; having the right to not answer the questions that i ask; i want us to ask hard questions and are able to answer them and having the heart to accept whatever the answer is going to be; how we treat each other in the very beginning will forever set the tone how we will treat each other for the rest of the relationship; although there will be time we know we need to take it to the next level; maybe it will fade of; maybe it will continue; who knows? a spontaneous two hours dinner; was a super pleasant surprise; what is my drive? nothing excites me? are this two the same thing? hobbies are not talent; that was funny realization; i seem to lost it; i have to find myself again; once more; i have to let go of the question who am i to you and think of myself a little less from you; in the end; in this life; me and myself are the only person i need to deal with.