Friday, June 30, 2017

Our eyes alone tell stories that words never could.

So we continue to talk about conversation; no sex talk today at all; shockingly; you were telling me about a dream you had this morning; about someone you knew as a kid; how you guys drifted apart and what would you tell him if there will be a day you meet him during his sick time; how he was the opposite of you and how you felt left out; betrayed; this you did not even share with your brother; i re- frame the question not to say who you will tell this before me; just that who will you start this conversation with; surely you mention your family; we all should; just a matter on how to start; we have different view; things that I tell people; the thin line that i have with you; if i tell you more; should i go deeper; or should i withdraw and stay beside my wall; it's a constant mind fight; after i tell you; so then what now? what else? what can you do for me? nothing; yes, i figure; anyway, we have to admit that the way we started get us into this sharing notion on a deeper level; which is not something I can do anyone; perhaps something conventional; not me; my friends all know bit and pieces of me; you know about 80% the most; you said there's three way our relationship grow - that i give you this loving emotional feeling; that we have great sex and that we can talk deep; you say it's not a matter of time; that we know each other for such a short time and how we surprisingly connected; I think you may be right; to me it's more like who are you with and if that some are also sharing at the same level as deep as you. 

Thursday, June 29, 2017

Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air.

we continue the topic about conversation and connection; i asked you if you were more talkative before; you said you are the same person; i am not here to fix anything; it is awkward still to ask how you both are; because i do not want to know although it is an interesting topic; all this while you are only with her; where you may not even notice the changes; you used to be more attentive; loving; caring; maybe you are not; she becomes more demanding; because there's other too; comparison kicks in; i refuse to think about it; i skip the topic; i mentioned about things i talk with my mate; sex; number of people we slept with; that is not the main point; not everyone i can be open to; in the end; you said i build the wall again; why wont i? because when my wall comes tumbling down; when i get hurt; when i have pain in the end i have to still deal with it myself; you will not be there for me; you see me as a strong person; i am really not; i am after-all just a normal girl; we talk about finding that someone again; i yell at you; i do not want your pity and empathy; you have a family; i do not and that makes a major difference; i was letting it all out; saying that is not easy; saying that age changes things; saying that i am in a different phase in my life now; saying that thing was different when i was twenty; saying that i hit forty next year; saying that if i would have known you earlier how would it be; i would or would not stick by your side; society changes; people behavior changes; we may or may not swing; generations all are fucked up; we can't predict the future, can we now? this and that going round and round in circle; you will not understand; she said she is like air to you; you need her to breathe but you did not notice her existence; in the end at least she feels like air to you; with me, i do not feel like i am your anything; not at all; sad and true; but that's a story for another day. 

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

I don’t wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone.

we spoke again; our usual AM/PM 30 min chat; after an unexpected weekend; people come and go; we have to remember that; even you; we back in the topic how long it will last before we run out of things to say; we say we can still last for a while; i am your therapist sort of; as you are mine; you used to want to find out more about someone; at the initial stage; that is very usual; you and i we started with a different kind of format and it has stuck ever since; we do not know how to do it otherwise; we can talk about every little things; mainly sex; also on and off i update you about my trip with him; sometimes once you have missed out something of a day you will not mention  it anymore until after; you want to talk more like this with other too; with her; with your family; i am not sure how you guys started; i don't want to interfere; maybe we spend 25 years together we will become like this too; i found out you look down on people; giving order; maybe unintentional; you never do it with me; i wonder why; i know why; because we don't get to spend long time together; maybe i acting too much you are acting with me too; because we want to show off our best self in front of each other; a lot of maybes; no answer; somehow i feel you tend to be more superior dealing with people that is less intelligent than you; even her; you feel her know so little; who can blame her; maybe a household makes her so; maybe you make her so; maybe she wish she can be independent too; you are wrong; often time i portrait myself too strong you do not know that; at some point i feel tired too; i just want to at the end of the day crash in someone arms and hear him say; everything will be ok; but now in the end i only have myself and that is all.

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

The best revenge is living well without you.

in the beginning i thought what we lack of is the organizational stuff; because we only talk about life, sex, relationship, life, sex, relationship, and in the end; i think; it comes down to which is one of the thing i find it truly matter that is the thing we will constantly find topic for, spin it off and talk about it a lot more branches, in different ways, things that we can't and do not want to escape; so then finally the question for me would be: will that enrich your soul? make you grow?

That's all. 

Thursday, June 22, 2017

There’s nothing wrong with not understanding yourself.


I feel competitive;

I want to also experience as much as you do, sexually;

I know it's wrong but it feels so right;

Because I know I am capable of hurting myself;

That you will leave;

And we don't belong to each other;

No matter what we do;

We don't own us. Or owe us. Or is there even us?

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

There are many who love in this world, but very few who commit.

the different intention about sexual attraction;
based on the different relationship you have with people;
you enjoy being with me because we can have love, sex and friendship;
that we can talk openly about topics;
most of the times we can't help but compare;
we must or at least i must remember it is not about me at all;
i do not know what will happen with my friend and i;
i dont think i will tell you even there's something happen;
we talk about being attracted to each other;
if you do not aim for good looking then you are talking bullshit;
if you dont want to feel attracted with other you are also actually bullshitting;
the truth is we both know how we want to feel and we are more relaxed in doing so;
realising you are in an open marriage is not something new to me;
it seems like you were the one pushing her to do so many things and ended up this way;
although he is not very attractive but he gains your wife attention in a good way which makes her feel good;
i want to ask how come you cant change to be like that;
but we all know the answer to that;
and you do not seem to care because you will not change yourself to please anyone;
clearly you both know what are you guys doing and i do not want to ask anymore;
after all our relationship is founded based on lust, pure sheer lust and nothing beyond that at all;
at least i am thinking so;
somehow it drives me to experience even more; with or without you.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

The scariest thing about distance is that you don’t know whether they’ll miss you or forget you.

we talked about the technology stuff one cant live without;
then we are onto hypothetical question: if you are on an island, what 5 things would you bring?
it all comes back to basic necessity in life in the end;
we do not need more;
we need only little things to be happy;
come to think about it;
you still remember that April;
where i surprise you and it remains this piece of good  memory;
me too; you stumble in the lift; blindfolded; door was lock; you waited patiently until i came up again; cakes; candle; perfume; Starbucks; a movie; end with a beautiful lake side dinner; i was crying on the way back in a cab;
one bad one luckily has not spoiled it yet;
you fantasize how you would want me to dress;
how a group sensual environment turn you on;
the ambient;
i still drilling on the idea you are not mind;
i will never get one hundred percent of your attention;
i need to re-work on the strategy;
by not giving you what you want;
but getting what i want instead.

Monday, June 19, 2017

There are some people you’ll never see again. At least, not in the same way.

it's Monday morning;
we had our usual 30min chat while you were driving to work;
we briefly touch on how our weekend was;
avoiding the insertion of individual;
you went for a sweaty jog;
you praise all the photos i have sent you;
i would have never thought you will keep appearing and lingering in my mind;
the first thing i told you was i really miss you;
with the line cut off twice;
every moment that i miss makes me feel each second is wasted;
that i thought about you a lot over the weekend;
that you wanted to ask me if i want to to together in the country;
only to go and experience something that you had;
i hesitated;
i feel like a child;
it's almost impossible to get you to experience something new having been living longer than i;
you want to bring me to experience something new; with you;
i can only argue that it will be something new because you have never done it with me before;
you are going with them in July;
slowly i started to see people;
so i have more control
feel lesser pain knowing all the time that i could not be with you;
we talk about books;
if you want it with other it is ok too;
also about therapist; beauty; exercising watch;
you like the way i make fun of you;
how us all are much different when we come to the point each time;
i would make you come over and over;
if i ever could.

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Her chaos is order. I’m in love with her madness.

Happiness is a delusion. At least sometimes. It seems to be.

Not everyone willing to chase after the sort of happiness they long for or yearning for.

Because after the chase. Then what? So what?

Saturday, June 17, 2017

I barely noticed loneliness anymore; it was my normal condition, by necessity if not by nature.

all these years;
i thought i have a moving goal post;
with the different phase in my life;
i am turning forty next year;
now i realise;
i am the same girl as i was before;
with the same goal;
wanting to love and be loved;
that was in my intro in same online post years ago;
and who i am and what i think now;
remains exactly the same;
just a girl;
wanting to love and be loved;


Friday, June 16, 2017

When someone won’t let you in, eventually you stop knocking. Know what I mean?

we are glad and enjoy the fact that we can talk about anything; about a topic; or off a topic; or just something branching out of a topic; the short 30min phone call getting shorter; sometimes it slips your mind and you did not call; but then what can i do; how is it with her; maybe sometimes it;s about a book; work; sex; relationship between us; but one thing i know; we cant talk about family; your family; it hard not to compare; while you doing it with me; what about her; when you say you love me; what about her; you mentioned an article; a couple could sit there and say nothing but feel a connection; a couple can also sit there talk about something shallow and no feel anything; how is it with you and her; you strongly defending your family style against anything i may say; i know you are getting defensive; thinking the communication you have with your family; although not the best; but at least it's something; you are against everything when you find a wee but sense of condemn against it; but why are you here now then with me; what are you trying to achieve; i often brake when i suspect the answer that came out from you will not be something i wanted to hear; i stop then; so not to hurt myself in advanced; i get used to it in my various relationships i have been thru; we argue about the book; it is not something you understand; you have a family; you have a relationship from scratch; not a bad one; although maybe sometimes out of it; but you are finding your way back; i can't; i want t own you; whenever i get my time with you; i want you to make me your priority; but you couldn't; what else can i say; that i'm disappointed; you are not mine to begin with; you hate woman that still turn to a man when the man treated her badly; because you are never in a situation where you need to be taken back; where you seem desperate and have no where to go to; i was that person; what are you trying to show? who are you trying to please? you have her; show her love; give her to her; that's about enough; i do not care what is going on between you two; i'm hurt enough from the past; i am still hurting; i cant change it; our exchange is just sexual; we have to admit that; i am no one special; i am never special; it was just timing; that is all; i like this line; that set us apart; keeping me sane as my last line of defense; it will never be fair if you choose not to tell me everything; having the right to not answer the questions that i ask; i want us to ask hard questions and are able to answer them and having the heart to accept whatever the answer is going to be; how we treat each other in the very beginning will forever set the tone how we will treat each other for the rest of the relationship; although there will be time we know we need to take it to the next level; maybe it will fade of; maybe it will continue; who knows? a spontaneous two hours dinner; was a super pleasant surprise; what is my drive? nothing excites me? are this two the same thing? hobbies are not talent; that was funny realization; i seem to lost it; i have to find myself again; once more; i have to let go of the question who am i to you and think of myself a little less from you; in the end; in this life; me and myself are the only person i need to deal with. 

Thursday, June 15, 2017

She had rooms in her mind that she would not look into.

It would've been easier for me to comprehend if you have problem with your family. I do not understand which piece of puzzles in your life do I fit? All seems well until now. I'm not that good. Really I'm not. I just wish I know where exactly do I fit in and after all these while everyone will just be telling me I'm good but no one actually stick with me.

This puzzles me. More and more.

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

I love you for all the reasons I don’t love myself.

you kept telling you love me and that i make you happy;
i stimulate you sexually, so as you;
you love my face at first;
then my skin; my skin color; my body; almost everything;
you say you can just make me do that for the next ten years without getting bored;
it makes me happy;
i do not even care if it's not true;
you say we have to see each other again;
for 1 week this time;
i hear you;
and yet i feel you drifting far away;
i can only hope;
that one day;
will come;
soon enough.

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Your worst sin is that you have destroyed and betrayed yourself for nothing.

i met a friend;
talked about old work, family, life in general, how would we want to be treated, how everything is our own doing and choice, we have planned a trip;
you said that you are jealous;
i am even more so;
i am jealous to something you are permanently attach to;
you said you are square in terms of career;
when it comes to other thing you are less;
that is how you spice things up;
in the end; it's a choice;
you said you are planning trips too;
and your mother will be around;
you are never close with her;
you ask her to bring her around;
you told me i am doing well;
you kept on saying i make you happy;
i hope it's the truth;
even if you are lying to me;
i am willing to believe completely;
even just one second of happiness with you;
everything we say is a sexual turn on;
we still falling with each other;
i wish to let lose;
just to see if i can go on a second with out you;
on my mind;
i have unknowingly fall for you;
so deep and so hard;
this dive that i took;
that i will not say that i will be regretful to do.

Monday, June 12, 2017

Shut your eyes to everything else and do not let yourself be disturbed by people.

we are back to our daily routine after two weeks of close conversation;
the 30min conversation becomes shorter and shorter than we expected;
we had so many things to talk about that need more than 30 minutes;
over the long weekend;
you were sharing that you proud of yourself of the jog;
of the new weird people you met;
of your girl;
the car description of testing and getting;
makes you laugh;
to you i always putting things bluntly;
no filter;
sometimes i make it sound more harsh that it should be;
that is reality to me;
sometimes i think you try to sugarcoat the truth;
just tiny little bit;
fuck around and swinging;
it's the same thing;
to me;
then we go on more;
of your personal stuff;
of feeling;
of emotions;
that we could not spend monger time together;
i have much to share;
places we have been;
experience that we have had;
many beautiful memories;
things that make me sad;
moment that we could've parted;
how i have been mislead to believe that there could be something more for us;
you need the validation;
i did not;
i still hesitate;
reluctant to open up more;
thanks to all my bloody wall;
it does not diminish;
given enough time the wall will be back;
and you need to tear it down again;
i am not sure if you realise;
i wish we have more bad one that will crush us both;
we still often find way to make it better; somehow;
we still holding on to each other; to comfort us both;
talking about impossibility;
do not lose me?
who am i kidding?
we never own each other;
i cant share my hurt; pain; sadness and disappointment;
i just have to lick my own wounds in the end;
no matter what;
how would she feel;
nobody cares;
at least not me;
why should i?
she can run back to you;
i could not;
that is the difference;
there's no right, wrong, black, white;
it is just how it is;
you make a decision;
you go with it;
make it the most;
or suffer;
depends on how you take it;
the closeness;
the intimacy;
the fire;
the passion around us both;
cant be turn off so easily;
do not know what is going on your mind;
in a way we carry out conversation like how we used to;
i wish i can tell more people about you;
as so would you;
because the feeling of being in love and when you feel very happy;
it is just something you wish you can share more.

Sunday, June 11, 2017

I’m a slave to my emotions, to my likes, to my hatred of boredom, to most of my desires.

finally found the time;
bought him birthday treat - dinner and movie;
he is still as talkative as ever;
i got distracted by another him;
ignoring the conversation;
kept staring at my phone;
because it is pointless and useless anyway;
then i figure out so i let go of another pointless sex meet up;
when there was this other if we both stay here we could have develop something more;
that is life;
you dont get everything;
he was telling me his business growing, moving and so many more stuff;
lost the sexual attraction and tension;
still praise me;
i grow numb of it;
did not sense if it is really genuine or he is just saying it;
i only wish him well;
as he said i am a keeper;
i really do not care anymore;
at this point.

Saturday, June 10, 2017

Loneliness becomes an acid that eats away at you.

i once think that i will be drag around for a long while; ten year; twenty years; until i am died;
i can never say;
now that i finally get the freedom i finally deserve;
it comes as a shock, for a brief moment and then it did not linger;
it makes me start to think of treating myself much better that i can be;
he text me and appologize for the bad sex;
what for after all these years;
he was saying something that is very confusing and doesn't make sense;
he can kept that to himself;
it's his own problem;
the other was secretly admiring my body and one day wish that we can fuck;
he should leave this alone;
now that i am free;
i should think about what i really want in life;
right here;
right now.

Friday, June 9, 2017

I get it now. I get it. The things that you hope for the most are the things that destroy you in the end.

as much as we thought we are opening up; we have set a format for us to begin with which will stuck with us until the end; she is back yesterday; of course you will sleep with her; she is yours anyway; i have no right to say anything; we casually talk about weekends; the long weekend; all the buts; all the wall; keeping it going; back in routine again; important for me to know the time; what will you be doing; there's only so many hours; what else is there; there should be more; always more; i have provided you a safe zone to feel vulnerable; i have my doubt and hesitation to be all open up; because sharing it all means i will have nothing to hold on to; when i am all alone; that i need to face all this; in the end; all by myself; anyway.  

Thursday, June 8, 2017

Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it.

last weekend made me think a bit deeper; reflect in my life a bit more; i ask you to categorize me; it is in the positive end; an independent woman who enjoy life the way she wants it; i smile; she is coming back today; we will back to our routine; i am the outsider; still; we spoke of the non-rocket-science thoughts that we have most of the time; knowing it and doing it are two separate things; we know that very well; you mentioned about that kiss again; that you remember my warm tongue touching yours; that i feel that kiss was sweet and cute rather than sexy and wild; the rest as they said is history; we started and keeping it going; you wondering about me by the same token i wondering about you both; i love this thin wall of mystery between us; want to know yet afraid to find out; we only ask question we want to know; because in the end we have to deal with the hurt, pain alone; for me at least that is the case; i often tell myself that and then finally i withdraw; not to surrender; just because i know better. 

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

It is only once in a while that you see someone whose electricity and presence matches yours at that moment.

it feels best when we wake in the morning and you are beside me;
we talked about the different position and how we feel about it;
you cum on my face and my mouth;
you were embarrassed coz some was in my nose;
you told me that i am very special;
can i naively say that we can feel that way, forever?

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

All great men are gifted with intuition. They know without reasoning or analysis, what they need to know.

you are old and way more experience than i; i have to admit that; long time ago; because i still let small things hurt me.

you throw in way too many jokes; that is the way you are; i still do not mind; i try to do the same; just not my thing; we are on the topic of joking and drilling; difference between men and women; cant necessarily compare.

53:05; you driving to airport; i know the lack of empathy from your end; it's too late to change now; the lack of attentiveness from your end; because people in the end will manage it; you care but you are not showing it; just like me; we talk about new experience; you like it sometimes in something; i said sexually you intend to want more; you said that is due to the sense of validation that you yearn for; to boost your confidence but you are not sure if that works if yo have  been doing that for 20 years; we have a lot of similarities in many aspects; sexually; but your need in getting the validation; you show it and it boost up your confidence; i do not; you said you like my back; that's a turn on; you also told me you rarely talk about loser things that makes you feel like a loser like going to travel alone; masturbation; plus so many things if we were to be a couple; twenty years down the line no one can say what happen; i would rather you be square and love me; married or not; i want to be even; at least be treated evenly; i still old fashioned and conservative when it comes to commitment; i feel you do not like to be in the context of such; i ask anyway; if i started with you; i would not have swing; that was my answer once and you like me for that; but if i am married and you are a swinger; i will choose you; either wa; it shows you that i like you; very much; i hope you know that; you hate the word sleeping around; it's your thinking out in the way; saying you are swinging just makes you mentally more positive; that's all; in the end we are not saint; at least me; will be going straight to hell; for sure. 

Monday, June 5, 2017

Sunday, June 4, 2017

Better a cruel truth than a comfortable delusion.

It's the hardest every time we part. This time we not only parted with much more emotions also comes this honest part of us that we did not shared before. This is very very precious to me. I feel jealous to those girls that get to spend time with you. They were very lucky. I seem to repeat myself, this is because I really want you to know how I feel and that you have touched me deeply where no one has done before. Yes not only physically but also emotionally. I love you very much and that makes it harder to say goodbye each time. Please don't stop wanting me ever, as I will continue to want you and desire you, although now I will think you are with other girls too. It will be silly to think that you are sitting home and have no sex. You are after all a grown sexually active man.

Sorry for being such a kid. Most of the times. I will find myself again. I just need time.

Friday, June 2, 2017

I have to say that although it broke my heart, I was, and still am, glad I was there.

We spend an intensive weekend together. After that incident. After taking a long weekend break. The decision was mutual. You are a very forgiving husband. You are a sex maniac. Seems that way. You pushed her to become this way. This you have no one else to blame. In the end i am no better. At least I'm single. I'm only responsible of my own doing. You feel the lack of affection with her. You try to save it. Knowing how. But not necessary doing it. You still sleep around. It hurts me. But I know I don't have any right to. I don't own you. I told you about the two guys. Comparison kicks in. You are the jealous type. So am I. We came to this weekend to share with each other more, but still not everything. We talk and rank. Never a fair thing to do. We both have ranking. You throw in jokes after jokes to cover up. I can't use joke to cope. I chose to ignore. You thought I don't care and don't want to know. Quite the opposite. I know myself too well. I know what I can handle and things I want to know. You curious why I don't ask you more. Because I can't handle the truth. At least I don't want to. And I can't joke about it. In the end. After spending time with one person for a long time, it boils down to trust and decision that you will not harm each other and that you guys still want to go on for the rest of your life. Which is how you are doing. I love you. I'm not part of your past but I hope I'm not too late to be in your future. I can let you know that much. The rest. Whatever going to happen. Will happen. In the end. Eventually. even if that means we are going to somehow part and i wish you all the happiness in the world; truly for you.