Saturday, February 27, 2016

I’m not used to being loved. I wouldn’t know what to do.

We didn't see each other for a week; it seems so long; feeling is still so strong ; i no longer feel comfortable at your place; so you came to mine; i fell asleep ; you brought me bunny and champagne; surprise me with door bell; you said you would text; you didn't ; i had class the next day so we didn't get to have breakfast but we made love whole night instead ; miss you so very much; you slept well; we didn't chat much; too busy holding on to each other; i always wee bit of shy and still anxiously long for you; you sent me another surprise after you drop your kid; such passionate encounter ; how could i possibly ever let you go ; you made it so so hard; i was taken aback but still like your sudden presence ; your gentle gesture by closing the door; lowing off the tea candle; switch off the light guessing which switch it was; we talk about swimming, our trip, books; how to get sick and get rid of each other; we will run out of things to say soon; because we dont have anything mundane and boring to talk about; I really fall head over heels for you; I hope you know that; but actually on the contrary - I HOPE YOU DO NOT KNOW THAT, NOT AT ALL.

Thursday, February 25, 2016

You can look at a painting for a whole week and then never think about it again. You can also look at a painting for a second and think about it for the rest of your life.

i just really wanted to see you and have a quiet dinner; we dont have to talk all the time; we dont have to pull everything out of the thin air and talk about it; sometimes even silence i enjoy; i spoke a little bit about my work; just one line mentioning about a project that im working on and then all of the sudden you went all philosophical on me; i know at that moment i couldn't stay with you tonight; that was such a turn off; i know you have many thoughts; so what? sometimes all we need is just some quiet time; someone to listen; hold your hand and tell you; take it easy; everything; i mean literally everything will be just fine; even though we are living a hamster life; really; i mean it.. 

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Love is needing someone. Love is putting up with someone’s bad qualities because they somehow complete you.

finally i showed you my home; you are very proud of me; can i come and sleep here sometimes?; if you want; i replied; you scan around my place and said you like it; you spotted a book old man in love; you asked what is that about i said it is exactly about what the title says is all about; you smile; is that me? i didn't say; i am me; i am not everyone else; which means i get to do this with you where the rest do not; i understand; is the feeling subsiding? you said you sometimes has a vague memory of one of our photos; you even tell me my expression looks the same; people dont change so much; i guess; even after a long time; you are so proud of me; walking from 28 to 38; that is a long time; and why cant we be together; it's all too late now; you feel agitated and restless if you dont see me for a week; you thought i am seeing that guy; but what you didn't know is there's never a guy; there is only you; i secretly feel happy; but i dont want to reveal the truth; if you didn't follow me back tonight; insisting; i dont know when will i show you my place; funny how you thought if you let me go alone i will never come back; i will give you excuse; but the truth is i wont; i really wont; i will always come back; always and that you are right; you are you; you are not everybody else.

Monday, February 22, 2016

Friday, February 19, 2016

Only the brave and the broken are kind in this world.

i am still concern; about you and her; you told me all about it; but it's no big problem; it's an universal problem for all couple; im not worry; maybe i not that influential enough; but i do want you to stop and then i want to have you again; with me you always want to be the best; you said you dont see any other girl other than me; you said you are in love with me more than anyone else; you said one week not seeing me is too much; you like the way we are together in this very secretive way; i always long for you; always; you said i underestimate myself too much; if i say i am no good then why would you pick me at the first place; it makes sense; anyway, i just let you talk away; about expectation; about not asking someone to change; about love; about loving enough; about different phases in love and life; you say you have to have me and you need to see me and then you needed all this; but to me you only need it  if you make yourself need it; otherwise i am just another passing by; surely; just try a little tenderness and you will see; anyway; time is always too short for us; too damn short.

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

You can destroy your now by worrying about tomorrow.

he walked out; but another him walks in; i guess what i did not tell you is; i never really stop looking; not at all. 

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

You are so brave and quiet I forget you are suffering.

i was doing my dissertation at home; we were texting; i thought you were working far away in KL; in your office; you totally took me by surprise; right until i saw you park and walk into that Starbucks; i couldn't believe my eyes; it feels so unreal; there and then i had you in my arms; still in shock; you said you thought about it for days to give me a surprise; maybe drop something at my front door; thinking about the best gift; something not too big or small; or afraid someone may take it away; all the things that i would also rather you didn't do; but you are right here in front of me; 4 hours drive in total; i said you are silly but deep down i am happy; how can i not be; i was telling you this surprise will be so hard to beat; but let's not make this whole surprise thing into a competition; must you win? until now im biased though; i still like you so much; i brought you to another place as Starbucks was just too crowded; i was speechless and shock; just too happy to see you; you said you couldn't wait for any longer; not seeing each other for two weeks is just long; that you thought i might forget you; that's kind of impossible at this point; we promised we will see each other once we get back to the city from both our trip; that is a two weeks gap; it is too long; but i will never say it; i'm weak and too vulnerable to admit my love for you; who am i to you; i am still afraid; you were telling me about quarrel between your wife and you which i take it is normal for couple, especially a 25 year old couple and that there was this article you read about how to handle expectation; you did it gently; you said you did it right; in the end your partner must know it too; otherwise i guess expectation will just be overflow; because what i hear you say is from her side there will always be this unsatisfied expectation; maybe when we are together for 25 years the same thing will happen to us; i hope if the time comes i will still tell you gently what i want you to do for  me without having you to guess what is on my mind; we want us to always constantly tell each other things; always; i showed you my family photo and was telling you while it looks like a big happy family on the outside, on the inside it is slowly broken into small bit and pieces; in the end the value we hold will forever be different and i am just happily agree to disagree with you; you always say you wont push me to share if i want to; somehow whenever you said that i want to tell you more; simply because i really want to; i reluctant to do so maybe just because the more i tell you the more you are going to know me the harder it is for me to let go in the end; like how the book end : Holden’s final statement—“Don’t tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody”; here i am telling you all these stories and in the end makes me miss you more and more; i begin to; i really do and i begin to love you too; i hope that is a good thing; really really good thing. 

Thursday, February 4, 2016

There are all kinds of love in the world, but never the same love twice.

you reschedule our Starbucks date because you have company function; i understand it and make it easy for you to maneuver; i want you to love me for it; fall for me deeper for it; we decided to meet again and i make time for you; so that we were able to be together longer; a little traffic jam; you arrived still on time; you brought muesli, sandwich, coffee, the usual, plus a little surprise that we often talk about; marshmallow; i wish i could keep you; i cant help to feel there's always a kind of sadness in the air between us; we listening to our music and you compliment it that i have good taste; we had grape, playing; sharing; eating nuts in bed; then you insisted to get up and get me muesli because you say you wanted to; i enjoy the sandwich you bring and you say you like me for that; you always type the word in full and i use abbreviation; we talking about concert; random things; Valentine's Day; being vulnerable; acceptance; rejection; you had a way to say thing that i will never get mad with you; maybe i am bias; maybe when we are together long enough i will start to feel annoy with you; but at this moment i feel none of that; absolutely zero; i ask about your new move; you are this guy that always seek security; hardly change or shake the status quo; because things are often good enough for you; nevertheless still wee bit of insecurity; wanting to demand but chose not to; i feel you are entitle to; but if you feel that you are doing the right thing; i will not ask more and i will give you my full support; you also want to feel you have a place in the society; a somebody; people who look up to you; admire you; like you; i couldn't care less; maybe i do but just with people i close to or in love with; i love you; i fall for you so deep and i dont know which direction i am heading and maybe there is no direction; you will never be mine; i can always hope we continue to meet each other until we dont; until whatever happens; until we really need to say goodbye; you mention him again; for no reason; but somehow he is in your head; i told you i am over him; i told you all what he told me; that all was bullshit and a waste of my time; you told me i did the right thing; you also said as long as i still have emotion it will be hard; it will take time but this too shall pass; i know it; this time is different; this time i am so over it; but somehow with you; it is just always so intense that i am so into you; so much; so deep; so hurtful; so unreal; but it also so so good. i love you, always and always; thank you for making my day once more and i like how you used a bigger mug simply because the mug could fit 3 cups of coffee and that i wanted to drink more; to me these little things count; so count.

Tuesday, February 2, 2016

I do not think I’m easy to define. I have a wandering mind. And I’m not anything that you think I am.

i do not know is it because i am not living with you for 25 years and that i do not need to figure out how to pay bills; and that i do not need to talk to you about which diaper to buy; which school our kids should go to; what kind of thing we should stock up; which travel destination should we pick; our kids problem; the house problem; the money problem; what house we should build; what stuff we should get; which restaurant we should go; if we need to deal with each other asking all that questions 24-7 and times that to double triple fold like way beyond our imagination; will we still be happy together and have good sex and talk as good as we are now; what if reality kicks in; what then; i thought about it; i do love you now; but when will love ever be enough, when?

but what i know it; i really really love you now; even if its hurt. 

Monday, February 1, 2016

I’ve always had a terrible weakness for beautiful but sad things.

i dont know why it is just so easy to be with you; maybe its because we know each other too short; maybe simply because we are still too nice to each other; it could be; its possible; but feeling is feeling right? you cant deny; i met him yesterday; we still threading carefully in each other world; you were not asking about him at all; not until i was ready to share it with you; you feel obligated to text me because you know i am seeing him; and you say i should tell you if i feel like telling you not because i am thinking of you hence doing it for you; but you should know if anything that i do is because i want you to know; simply that; besides the meeting was totally unfruitful and i was quite clear about my feeling to move on; i somehow feel pity and sympathetic towards him and i thought i will have one last shot in life to make something happen; clearly that should not be my reason; and i have so clear a feeling for you and that i can not help to compare you both; when i make it sounds like a task, job, chore without any passion and emotion in it; im pretty much screw; then again you ask me to date guys around here; it's easy for you when you are the one who's married; i told you i  know someone who is nice and that is you but you married and that makes me sad; you said you would  married me; at least you will thought about it and that you ask me if i am willing to go there with you; i told you i would; it's the circumstances; but i know you love her; i have nothing more to say; i dont want to compare anymore; not in that way; i dont know what is worse; a guy that cant offer me a commitment or a guy that can offer but cant deliver; both suck in a big way; big big way; anyway in the end it will be my decision; you said that you will only stop because i dont want to; it will be be because you do want to; you touch me in so many ways that you may never know; with that i say thank you.