Monday, October 31, 2016

We are afraid to care too much, for fear that the other person does not care at all.

the weekend is here; as usual; we halt our usual chat just flirting here and there; you mentioned you still miss me; comes Monday; you called and you were sharing your thoughts; a guy you met over the weekend on how he long for a more structured and systematic life rather than a free one; each to their own; it's what i said; then you went on and were telling me about the books; the few points that you were meant to read and meant to fix when i think you will eventually come to; i was in silent; you know what is happening but do not know how to fix it; not instantly at least; you asked me how i was; i did not want to say; i didn't want to tell you at all and you sense that something is not right; i have finally blurted it out; i know i am not the cause; you and her had problem long before i exist; but now i cant help but think i am in the way; maybe without me; you guys can fix problem faster without having to think about me at all; if that is the case; i have to be fine with it; i have to act strong; what am i supposed to do when you are not here with me? how could i just let you know that i am weak and sad and that life must go on without you anyway while she can have you in your arms, always; but why did you still tell me i am the nest thing that ever happened to you; you even still invite me go to there; what about her? what about her? why?

in all honesty; i still love you too. i do.

Sunday, October 30, 2016

When you do what you fear most, then you can do anything.

So we had a chance to talk about it. you told me that you and her talk about it. The future. you were trying to avoid it by saying she wants to get another car of not the brand you own. We had a good start because you forgot my birthday. We made fun of it, had a laugh and talk about a bunch of random stuff but not touching my own, as usual. She said she will think about it and that is going to determine if we are going to end. Because if she says so then you will have no bad conscious. The thing is you are right. I miss sex. But i miss you even more. Fortunately and unfortunately. I don't see we book that tickets and see us in December. This i know. So we might as well get over it.

Friday, October 28, 2016

I miss you even more than I could have believed; and I was prepared to miss you a good deal.

you picked her up; you were two hours late; you were telling me about it; an unexpected morning call; because she is back and i have to put my mind behind not to mind it even though i do; how am i to express to you this urge; i couldn't; you say you are going for a stadttische and so am i with J; also updating you about J; his worry and anxiousness are different from yours; you talked about your daughter; i feel she is doing it right having a good head start; my classmate that wanted to drop out but didn't; still mostly telling you about other rather than myself; you said you should've be there 3 hours earlier; i said you should gave me the credit; still missing each other somehow; because it is true; "I miss you even more than I could have believed; and I was prepared to miss you a good deal."; for now i do not know when it will end; and i do not know if i even want to; ever.

Thursday, October 27, 2016

We think too much and feel too little.

today is the last day we can talk before she is back; you did not tell me earlier; sometimes i am so unprepared; you forgot about my birthday; you were more upset than i; i am not a priority; what else can i say? both you and i just want to stay home and talk with each other; however much time that we manage to squeeze; i told you about my friend about other stuff; but you wanna know more about mine; which i still reluctant to share; then i ask about her; you hate the idea that both of you being dishonest; as much as she lies; you did too; although technically you are kind of telling the truth; you told her you too slept with someone; she was surprised; maybe she think you wouldn't; and you sense that she did still sleep with that guy; but i wonder why; what is wrong with your relationship with her; sexually; you were telling me about your neighbor; couple that divorce late now at their 50's; liberated; it is not something you aiming to do; at least you are brave enough to ask her about it on how to go on; on what you guys think of the future; if you guys want to continue this; she said she did at first and then after a while she changed her mind; if she was to stick to it; it gives you a reason to go on with me with no bad conscious because she is still doing it too; i feel like it is totally up to her to decide whether we get to go on; that i am just a puppet at the side waiting for further instruction; but i do love you; that i feel sad; that i cry when you were telling me that; you wish you didn't because you did not want to spoil anything for us; i insisted that you do which i prefer; not being with you is bad enough; thank you for the beer; for wishing me happy belated birthday; from afar; this i will not forget; i do not want any gift; or compensation; i just want you; can i say that without hurting anybody? i think at this moment; the answer is no. 

I can’t let you go now. I want to go places with you; obscure little places, just to be able to say: here I came with her.

I don't want to tell you that i am keeping my hair just for you, i couldn't.
I don't want to tell you that i miss sex but i miss you even more, i couldn't.
I don't want to tell you that it was my birthday, i couldn't and now that you were upset and that i remember last year when we were together.

I am just not that kind of gal that shout about stuff all the time.

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Even if you have nothing to write, write and say so.

because i know there is only so much we can hold on to;
because i know eventually you have to talk about her;
because we may run out of things to say;
because i can not have you now and i want to say i will love you no matter what;
even if you are  married;
even if you can not be mine.

Because the idea of losing you scares me too.

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Come with all your shame, come with your swollen heart, I’ve never seen anything more beautiful than you.

....and then you will realise;
it is your happiness that counts;
no matter how selfish that may sound.

Happy Birthday to me.
thank you to those who have wished me; those who remember; those who did not and those who do not even know it.

thank you, from the very bottom of my heart, i am honoured.

Monday, October 24, 2016

When you lose someone and it still hurts, that’s when you know the love was real.

i called; line was busy; you were with her; i should've know better; we naively want to believe that we are in love; still making plan to meet; just to selfishly fulfill the urge; the desire; our lust; there is a point; i really hope there is. 

Sunday, October 23, 2016

Don’t do it. Don’t love me.

23102016; 1815; i just finished a shower getting ready for your call; because i thought you will be calling 1900 my time - 1300 yours; then a missed call; i called back; i can see you are tired; you do not care; speaker phone on and we were chatting away; you said i made you happy; that you do not want to forget me; i told you if there's ever a day you want to do that; please just lie to me and leave; we talk briefly for about 20 minutes; missing each other very much; i thought i have forgotten the feeling; but every time when we chat it comes back; we were just talking casually about your family; a restaurant you have been to with someone has worked there for a long time; mundane normal petty stuff; i told you about my run and study; a strong urge just to hold on to each other - "do't do it, don't love me"; one day some day eventually i will be able to tell you that; for real.

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.

i do not know why i still miss you;
i thought you are no longer here;
then you call;
and that is all.

Monday, October 17, 2016

Everything alters me, but nothing changes me.

you arrived on the island for the trip; i was happy for you that you are together with all of them again; you still trying to tell me things; but i do not quite see the point; i am sharing my mundane life less; my sister visit; she made me a cake; sharing the cakes with my neighbors; how my weekend was; what movie i watched; how i have spent it quietly at home as how i normally would and how i will be able to still share it with you excitedly if we are talking to each other; the water filter; the more stuff i got for my home; working on assignment; i am feeling it; i am seeing it in front of my eyes; the times that you said you miss me you love me; last year how we met; how we celebrated my birthday; the presents you gave me; all of it is fading away; scary but it's true; eventually it will so i would rather it happens now; wouldn't you?

Saturday, October 15, 2016

It’s not who I am underneath but what I do that defines me.

you started with a heart;
then you said yo afraid you maybe repeating yourself, as was i;
but that you cant change it;
just like when we have sex, it's pretty much the same;
but you enjoy it and that cant change and how you think repetition is not so bad after-all;
and you said the memories we had will never go away;
you were thinking if we make now everything better than it really was, but we know that we see things too positively because every time we only spend short amount of time together; i am not your 25 years women; in the end all relationship and marriages wear off after so long; no matter who you are with, i believe; but we are still new, still fresh, in a way; you want me to know how you feel with her because you have no one else to share it with and on the other hand urge me to find a man; you have to find a way with her again but you are also sure that it will most likely never as you are loving me now; i feel sad when you say that, somehow; i cant help it; you think this is the price you have to pay for the coffee in Starbucks with me; i always always feel your love, not only a little bit, trust me; you told me you love me very much although we cant be together; it hurts me to know so; even worse that now we confirm that is true; i will not blame anything; feeling is feeling; we cant help how we feel, i guess. .....

Friday, October 14, 2016

We were not lovers, we were love.

you got back from your break; then involve intensely in workshop at work; you felt the team less energize; then i ask you when will she be back; concerning; you will be away again; packing; working; preparing; you are busy; i dare not disturb you much; you insisted you will call anyway; you did; we just look at each other and talk about simple stuff; we are just talking about our days... More and more... Flat and mundane... It becomes in the end...i can see this will possibly end soon; no matter how in love we said we are, once. 

Thursday, October 13, 2016

I speak my own sins; I cannot judge another. I have no tongue for it.

you called at 7.25am in the morning; you took me by surprise as i quickly put on my headset and talk with you; we had a brief chat last night; updating about our lives after 2 weeks; unavoidably some sex remarks; even something political simply because that was on the news lately; and this morning; we had longer conversation because you were throwing me hard questions from a book we are reading; that the more you love someone the more you are trying to hide things from them because you do not want to hurt the person you love; but isn't that what a relationship is all about that you can and able to share things with the one you love; then it makes me wonder are we in a real relationship? do we really love each other? or we just building an ideal relationship inside a bubble? and another book that you have thoroughly read thru which indicated the main character had passed away after he committed suicide; i rarely take note on this kind of thing; i just more along with words without giving deep thinking about it; you said i am still cautious; how can i not be; every steps i am taking i take into consideration of how other may feel; in this case you; or maybe her; or maybe me; or maybe all three of us; everyone; because in the end even if i share my thoughts, how i truly feel; will it help? or will it just complicate matters? i have no answer; trust me; if i can i want to share every single thing with you; especially my flaw to let you know that i am such a lousy person; that in return you will not like me anymore and that i will drive you away; as for the wall that i am starting to build again i hope you will break it again in no time, in no time; i am always sorry i did what i did; really i do and i mean it; even though there is nothing i can do about it. 

Wednesday, October 12, 2016

It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live.

you touched down at midnight; i left you voice notes and you said you miss my voice; i wonder what change in this two weeks when you are with her and what didnt; why it didnt; is it right it happens; i thought i would just get a note where you would tell me that everything is over and you will go back to where you are supposed to be and so would i; but it didnt happen; we still joke with each other in a shy awkward way; talking about books; how you dont like the one i asked you to buy and how you have been buying books that both of us like; simple and very safe book; i try to get to you more by knowing what else you like; maybe different genre of stuff; we talk about sex book; we are the action type; words of sex do not interest us so much; we want to do not read about sex; also i am minding the line that we do not want to cross; dont ask anything that you do not want to know is how i am trying to do and thread everything really carefully and cautiously; even question that i blurt out that i did not want to repeat afraid that i might spoil anything because this is something between you and her; that i feel you should know better and why are you not; and that i dont entitle any right to barge in like a crazy person with the relationship that you already have; and then you want us to see us again; this whole idea of meeting excites me instantly and immediately i am checking dates; looking forward to it; feeling the love again; it is amazing, sad and strange; you told me you love me very much; i didnt reply; i do not want to create too deep of the attachment with you; i resist it; i am trying very hard not to..............

I wish I can tell you that i dont miss you today, but that would be a lie...

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

I want to read and write and be very quiet.

But on my journey through life so far, I have come to understand that many physical connections made outside of marriage are as a result of deep, basic human need – everyone wants to feel wanted. And sometimes the person closest to you just can’t give you that.


Monday, October 10, 2016

Sooner or later we’ve all got to let go of our past.

so now we are waiting for someone to find us out;
or something terrible to happen;
a disease - cancer - sickness;
then it will make us stop;
and that's ugly.

Sunday, October 9, 2016

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t as conscious as I am. It would be so much easier.

I know i can't compare but i often wonder what do you talk about with her, even though it's pointless.

Saturday, October 8, 2016

Do what you feel in your heart to be right – for you’ll be criticized anyway.

I am thinking about you a lot.
It is very hard not to.
I'm building my wall again.
Sharing less again
That is the right thing to do
I hope you know and understand that.
If you think like how i do
Then you would.
I am sorry. I truly am.

Friday, October 7, 2016

All my life, I’ve found it difficult to advocate for myself, to ask for what I want. I fear burdening people so much.

The more you tell me about her; with no specific reason; even small stuff; the more i feel you want to drive me away; and yet it did not happen; not because i do not hate it; i do; but so what; i do not care; i do not know what you are trying to achieve; maybe you just simply miss me as i do; in the end we both become somewhere we want to escape to; quietly; peacefully; doing things we never gotten to do with whomever we thought we should be doing with; simply as a replacement of someone for fulfillment for very selfish reason.

Thursday, October 6, 2016

And if you couldn’t be loved, the next best thing was to be let alone.

You mentioned about your camera, almost left behind, i want to tell you that she will take care and she must take care of that for you. But i didn't. I know we joke about this kind of thing but i rather you go to her and that she takes good care of you.. I know you meant it teasingly but it hurts. Really it does.

Wednesday, October 5, 2016

Do something instead of killing time, because time is killing you.

i don't think the sex that we have is better than before; but you said so; im selfish; i begin to be; i no longer feel like i need to please you; i feel pathetic about it sometimes; that you can touch yourself when i am not around; but you cant even come when you did it with me; and that you often hard to get hard; what is the reason behind that? i know it's not all about me; but i want to make it about me; i am just a selfish prick; am i still turning you on? am i still hot enough? all that lousy self fulfilling questions; i also asked you what you "really" think of me; you kind of gave me a vague answer and as you said i treat you like a stranger as you did; again you are going away for a month; i will not miss you at all this time; surprisingly; i have him on my mind; and i will not miss him as well; i dig a hole to jump in; occupy my day fully with things; so i get less anxious and restless; you were talking about an old rude driver; but what can you do; nothing; he wont change; and you don't care what really happens to him; maybe his wife is dead; maybe he is born this way; no excuse you said; i am not average at all; but what does that mean? why no men love me if i am so? just because i am so; you are not the first one that said that; but whoever say it they are all taken or occupied and leave me no room to be with them; i feel rejected; i get hurt and yet i let it happen; such a self torture mechanism so that i feel alive; so that i know i exist in a very very sickening wrong way.

Tuesday, October 4, 2016

You can’t ever be really free if you admire somebody too much.

you still text and tell me about our small things; memories of us both and that you miss me; but this is for the long run; memories will fade; i can see it happening soon; routine has been stirred; so slowly and gently; maybe you are right; no; you are definitely right; we should not be in love; we should not even begin; you will be with her; you have the right to be with her; she is yours always; you guys will reconcile to get through whatever tough storm yo guys need to get through; i am just a phase; i have to go on again; on my own; even without you; even without anybody and that is ok; that is all i can only say anyway. 

Monday, October 3, 2016

She hadn’t wanted to be loved carefully, only well.

you were extra cheeky and cheerful last night; kept giving me compliment and left lame remark; we had donut; you even played nose game with me ; which makes me think of him; and you said that you missed me and the last time when we were together it was really intense; you miss that as well; that i should be on pill; i said no; you have been waiting the whole day and waited for the end of the day for about an hour to suggest  that we go to that place for dinner and get things that you want; you called and texted me earlier while i was busy with something else; why cant you just ask and say that you want to get those things and ask me to send you why did you need to move things around and do subtle hints; i hate that of you; that you never really want to be open with me and this is just small things; what about bigger stuff; i do not want to ask even; you will say you are shy; but i guess i just will not understand why; you are flying off this Wednesday night; for a month; i will go on; as usual; until you get back; until then.

Saturday, October 1, 2016