You only lose what you cling to.

We no longer need to scare of unexpected knock, accidentally walk in, traces leaving behind, or any embarrassing moment.

I have you now. Forever. Because i like you very.

I wanted the whole world or nothing.

It's the way you dried my body up after i had a quick wash;
It's the way you say you think you love me;
It's the way you want to make a commitment out of an non-committal relationship;
It's the way you and i be together;
It's the way you say may i comeback to you when i ask you to come back to me;
It's simply the way you like to be with me non-judgmentally, accepting me as who i am;
It's the way, all the small little way.

Never love anyone who treats you like you’re ordinary.

So after all the drama and emotion roller coaster ride; my surprise all worked out because i want you to be part of the decision making too; you did and i was happy about decision ; you kissed my lips; that's that; i wanted you to be here with me at my place; from now on this will be it; if i open up this door then i will prepare to accept the consequences; good or bad; nevertheless we had coffee and a fantastic three hours plus afternoon; I will never ever rush you to go; but im just afraid you couldn't stay; i do not want to hurt anyone; i hope this doesn't make me a bitch.

If I am really part of your dream, you’ll come back one day.

You are a man that take it if one decides it, because you think they must have a reason and they normally do. I put a stop to thing now. I don't know if is for better or for worse. Im living in a very confusing time. Like before. No one will be able to help, not you.

I am looking for someone to share in an adventure that I am arranging, and it’s very difficult to find anyone.

You told me you miss me and that you are very sorry that i left; reading it for a moment everything rushed back in my own all over again; one thing i know for sure; im not sorry that i leave this relationship behind because we will never really be happy anyway; we can try but trust me we won't succeed; not if we are who we are and that we are acting the way we act now; there is just so much under current between us that will eventually fuck up the relationship anyway.

I am not sorry. I wish you well and to live a good life, like she would want you to.

The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.

again we are talking about things we have talked about; there is no clean way to do this; at least not with you; too much emotions involve; the infatuation; still lingers on after three months; i do not know why you keep on mentioning there; do you wish for me to move there with you? if so, how? if yes, why? we will not be together officially ever; then i am thinking life is too short to be unhappy and i am very very happy with you; why should i and why would i stop? isn't that what life is all about; to pursuit happiness to no end even though you know it will be tough; even though whatever you are feeling is wrong and shouldn't be; i dont have the answer; all the things you said move me and touch me; being yourself makes me want to be with you more and more; i didn't move an inch away; not at all; i feel a sudden desperation to tell you that i have fallen deeply in love with you; in the end afraid that you may not feel the same and you will walk away; i dont know if its just because of sex or if the feeling is mutual; the kind of feeling that i am feeling.

What matters most is, how well you walk through the fire.

就是一本记事本，让我明白我们还是两个很不一样很不一样的人 ，就算我们是两姐弟。

you have no right to judge me; because you are not that great anyway!

And I can’t be running back and forth forever between grief and high delight.

whilst i want you to share more; sometimes i am afraid; i will fall for you; hard and fast and there is no turning back but to feel this pain again; i am always contradictory to myself; i want all your time and i dont want all your time; i want you to be with me and i dont want you to be with me; i want you to go and i dont want you to go; i want you and i dont want you.

please stay.

just stay.

even though with lies.

Those who are the hardest to love, need it the most.

you said there was miscommunication; that you are missing me; that i do not want you to deep down inside; that i dont want your life to change; that your life actually will not change; it will not change because of me anyway; i would imagine we will get into the same argument and miscommunication if only we met 25 years ago; if only. 

Don’t ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody.

Friday; I picked you up; on time as usual; to your convenience as usual; I ended up driving; fulfilling all your requests; I was excited as you were; we dined in the dark; the dishes were not anything special; the atmosphere was; you were touching me in places you would not normally do under the light in public; we were more daring under no light; pitch dark; i cant even make out your face at all; it was a different experience and sensation; we slowly tasting; describing the food to each other; we have got some right; even the juice and rice challenge in the beginning was fun; i beat you to it; you like that I walked over and tasted you; you into me being spontaneous; when I'm into you I would; I want to please you and make you happy; you can't imagine not seeing me in nine days; we don't used to be with each other; we survived seven days that means we can do it again; you have family after all; when i think about that I become sad; I have to accept this; things just happen naturally with you; our sexual attraction; conversation; touching; hugging; kissing; fondling; messing about; all with certain seriousness; sexiness; naughtiness and I would even say fondness; a lot of it; you even still have your socks on; I thought that was funny; I'm just a girl clearly know what I want and how to get it; my last relationship taught me all this; that I become patient; that I become one of those who can wait and not being sticky or clingy; now in this sort of relationship it helps me to go on; you afraid I may rush away again; I have promised you I won't and I didn't; I also know when to walk away; that is the most important. To just walk away and know when to say stop; when to say when; when the time comes.

I see all sorts of people, but I’m alone all the same.

you set up something i have never done before; you can not say "NO"; it actually turning me on; not only that; heels; short dress; no underwear; seems like a world that will only appear in my fantasy; it will all become real tonight; for you.

I learned that people leave. Even if they have promised a thousand times that they won’t.

it has been a few days; i can feel it is fading away; although we keep on talking to each other in a way; it does not feel so real anymore; eventually it will fade; it will.

Love is so short and forgetting is so long.

so she is back; for some unknown reason you dont want to tell me when is she coming back even though you know it earlier; i know you dont like changes even it's fixed change and it's inevitable; you said so; but how can you stop something that you cant stop; anyway eventually i have to know; it's just a matter of time; to me i rather sooner than later; as always; in this point i am different than you; i want to take the bad thing first; you will hold on to it until the last bit to see if things can change; we are apart after the last meet for a few days; you say one week without you is very tough; i also think that you used to live without me; somehow someway you will be able to manage but at this moment you dont want to; there always will be this sorrowfulness between the both of us that we not talk about; i really like you in a way that i never share with someone before; so free and comfortable; you have a free day and i maneuver my plan to make time for you simply because i want to see you too; that is the truth; you will arrange again for a surprise dinner; i dont want anymore surprise; i just want to be with you; hold you hand and talk with you for a long long time; i want to hold you strongly; even just for one more night; even if i only get just one more night....one more night.

There is a story, always ahead of you.

we made time for each other; no matter how late; or how inconvenient it may be; i asked you when is she coming back; you gave me a wrong date; then you stand corrected; regretted that you are seeing me two day less; i feel the pain;  it is not the bad conscience that kills me; because we both adult and know damn well what we have got ourselves into; we hold ourselves accountable and responsible for all fault; so the guilt does not actually eating me up so much; it's the longing; the waiting; the near you but cannot be with you part that saddens me mostly; i busy myself with my house; finally settle in; get a lot of things done because i want you here; you have a lot of events and parties to attend to; you share it with me; late night; in you arm; with beer; sharing stories; watched a play; gay community; we talk about even that; we see each other last weekend; out of our routine; i got scare and leave earlier as you expected without waking you; you wish you have more time with me; with us; i just want to leave; i do not want the same mistake; i do not want any disruption in your life which i know it's kind of impossible; i do not want any comparison; i will feel uncomfortable; she gave you 25 years of her life; i only manage short spur of excitement in the end; we went for a movie still; the only option that we can have two pity little hours and be close to each other; all the touching moment; i try not to cry; more and more i see you; more and more it makes me sad; how can i explain this feeling that is so strong and overwhelming; we have to wait four days now in between to meet; i had some other plan at first; i cancel it and make time for you; you wish to have a nice dinner with me; you dont have to spend much on me but you insisted that you like to; i dont know eventually what will we become; i am to selfish to let go now; in the end i know we both will be deeply hurt when we part; then why dont we just do it right here right now......and ......

say......

GOODBYE;

but then when i am asking that question; i already know why;

emotion is something you cannot control.

It always hurts more to have and lose, than to not have in the first place

then i found out; we only have another six month together; you still positive; i just want everything to be over; now. 

I often carry things to read so that I will not have to look at the people

i will always remember that moment; after we had breakfast; you were brushing your teeth and reading the newspaper in your black converse t-shirt.

and right after that night there and then; we went out for a movie; and talked about some emotions that we long had.

A man is only as good as what he loves

you ask me to go on a trip to the island; i didnt even hesitate or have second thought; we went ahead with it; casually; without any demand; being who we are; again we talked about the things we normally talk about; how we treat people; how we react; how small things matter; how checking is matter; how caring is matter; how talking is matter; how you communicate with the right person matter; how everything kind of interrelated, connected and become one, really; i asked you a question was even too heavy for myself to answer; i regretted it; because in the end i would like to share too; we love the session so so much; no pressure; on and on again; you re-iterate the point that you like me; need me; being with me and also have no future with me; you ask me about my marriage; im not sure i will ever do it; the laugh; the joke; making sex joke doesnt even bother me; having a beer; bloated stomach; in the end somehow still work out and had a great time; despite a bit under the weather the night before; you cant wait to see me again and ask me out for a movie; tonight? yes; i want to see you again;  i didnt even hesitate or have second thought - yes.

then here we go again.

Sometimes it seems to me that that’s all my life has been, a series of things that I loved deeply that I could never have.

The truth is i am holding on to those difficult questions, on one hand im afraid to hear the answer, on the other hand whatever you answer will allow me to know more about you.

So im torn. Very very torn.

I don't know if you can understand that. 

And now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.

i know i am failing in to the same trap; too fast and too hard; he said we are developing a routine; even that i am liking it; then i feel afraid to tell him that i wish to stay one more day; as always the rejection; then he asked me; i quickly reply with yes and praise him that he is always quicker than me; he always does; i want to be the quick one; but now i am taking my time and delay my reply by two seconds always; always. 

I like being myself, but only when I’m scattered and various and gregarious.

you have a dinner to attend to; you knew about it two weeks ago; i wonder why you only telling me now; nonetheless you said you want to see me and i already told myself i will be there; no matter how late; we talked about the event; how you didnt exactly like this kind of socialise thing nonetheless you enjoyed the evening; i am attracted to you; i am not your normality; i dont wish to disrupt your life and routine; everything happening around us makes me nervous and restless until i am alone with you where i can feel calmer; you kept saying you like me; i start to wonder why and ask you what it means; you cant nail it but somewhat gave me an answer that is less than love, more than infatuation; i remain skeptical and unsure; then you always show me such affection and it leave me with great feeling and memory; your touch; your hug; all the motion and emotion; all waiting to be erupted every day and night; i need you; i want to be with you; i cant lose you; really? i still have doubt, i still and i will everything to just lust.


just lust.

This reminds me of when we were young

Because you will be going,  i won't;

i see you from far; my heart skips a bit; slowly i realise we are going to run out of things to say; it will leave us with just only sex; i had a really good time again; you told me we have 2 weeks to spend every night together; when i ask you if you want to; you said yes, that's all i want to hear; i do not want to know anything about her at all; that is something i haven't told you; that i dont want you to mention anything of her in front of me anymore; i am selfish; i am greedy; you asked me a question about asking for sex verbally; i say i will do it via gesture; you said you afraid of rejection and i said i accept it gracefully; but then i never ask the question, hence no rejection; you laugh at me; it's true, i forget since when i stop to ask question to minimize the hurt; to minimize the rejection; only to people that truly matter i am willing to do it; you did it by inviting me for coffee but i insisted in meeting at another place; but you thought it was better that we didn't do it; and then you made a mistake; went to a wrong place; miscommunication; misread of message; something for us to laugh about again; i made it on time nonetheless; i dont want you to go thru much trouble; i dont think i am worth it; you asked me if i will ask you to have sex; i say i won't; you asked why; i said simply because of our circumstances; if you are single; i dont know; i still probably won't anyway; who knows? the problem between you and her should not make it an excuse; you still have a shot; the more you say you like me the more i feel afraid and attach; i dont want to long for you; i dont want to start; you make joke that is not funny - what if your daughter comes up and see us; it's not fair; you have them; you have a family; i dont; i know i can be flexible; stay and go whenever i like; you know i will not say no; you know i am into you; i really enjoy the time being with you; you book another trip; to go away with me; i guess i just want to leave things behind and go ahead to have a good time; i am at this juncture of my life that i am no longer looking for commitment, marriage and settle down; im passed that threshold with my 5 seconds of thought that i no longer care about what is going to happen the rest of my life.

in the end; maybe you will be leaving first; before me. 

How do we forgive ourselves for all of the things we did not become?

So I'm thinking.... Why can't we have everything, why?

we are having this kind of relationship; 

im having bad conscience; 

what do i do? 

i like you; you make me feel like i can actually fall in love again; falling in love again with you deeply;

but this is not real;

i dont want it to be real;

i am always the pessimistic one, remember?

I was the shyest human ever invented, but I had a lion inside me that wouldn’t shut up

i will always find something about you or there's always something about you; that makes me want to stick with you and stay here a little bit longer, always. 

Treat people with kindness because behind every face is a story that could use a little more love.

we promised to see each other before i leave; you booked a hotel that i think of too; you are on time; as always; we see something that we somehow fit with each other and yet trying to find way to avoid; again we had a wonderful evening; a good time; in between wildly fucking session; we chat; we made fun; we had dinner; you could not explain the feelings you had for me; love; like; infatuation; it's not just about sex; a part of it is; a part of it is about growing; another part is about learning; there was no man that can make me feel like i am falling in love again; that you care so much with your tenderness and kindness; no one ever make me feel excited and nervous anymore at the same time; no one man can ever make me laugh, cry, scream, talk within one meeting session; you did it to me; you move me and touch me deep down a part of me that i thought i already lost; i try to find fault but to no avail;  then i thought of her and i cry; you said its not my conscience to feel bad, its yours; it was both ours; you asked; i said yes; we have fair share of responsibility; i could have said no; but i am too weak; i didn't; how can you not feel bad; someone at home waiting for you; imagine if that is me; i will be sad and lonely; all of us are mature adult but all of us also crawl in this web of complication; we want to get out and yet drawn into it like an addiction; not really easy to get out; or we don't want to get out; you said you cant lose me; that you need me; but none of it is true; you have been managing without me; and you can do it again; i don't want to hurt your family and i don't want to hurt you; every time when we get to that; i get emotional and cry; if i don't care at all about you; i will not do so; for now you say let's us be special friend; we already are; then you say let's continue and see how it goes; but i already know how it gonna goes; it will be harder and harder for us to say goodbye when the time is finally here; i feel so; i know so and i sure of so.

Every day you should investigate where and to whom your energy is going.

i did not know if you touch my heart;
the time spent with you is different with the other guy;
but i know i have no future with the other guy;
will i have a future with you?
so now i am here to find out.

I dream. Sometimes I think that’s the only right thing to do.

he is right beside her;
he texting me like crazy;
i do not know what is going thru his mind;
i guess he just doesn't care if its the right or wrong thing to do;
because there is never really about right or wrong;
it is just about this moment in time that you are truly enjoy yourself;
even with someone you dont belong;
or will never be;

"you moved me a lot so quickly"

that is all he basically needs to say.

Because, nothing makes me happier and nothing makes me sadder than you.

Friday the 13th; 13th Nov; long meeting; mind boggling with a lot of information; craving for a beer; we talked this morning; we did not promise anything; we did not say we are going to do lunch; i text you; stuck in the jam; you text back just in time; for us to go and grab a quick coffee; u passed me a gift; now i will always have something to remember you by; a red mug; you told me there will be possibility where you move back to where you from; my heart sank; i try not to let it show it; i am still just always shy and awkward; to be seen with you in public; like i have done something wrong but everything we are doing just feel so right; so so right.

She’s your one. The one who reaches you. The one who makes you different.

"i dont want to lose you";

that is all i want to hear.

The deepest principle of human nature is the craving to be appreciated.

here comes the emotional moments; again; i never thought there will even be this kind of feelings again in me; with you came into my life; two people being with each other developing and creating memories so quickly in a month's time; leaving some details behind yet revealing on small things; it seems unreal; you can't offer me clarity, security and stability; and yet i am so happy being with you; can happiness be the ultimate answer? that i do not need to care; that i should continue on anyway even if it's unfair; what is life? what is happiness? if i have been searching for so long and i am yearning for the answer that i finally feel this wee bit of happiness in my life; do i reach out and grab it even if it's not mine in the long run and that i dont deserve it?

i thought i am just a fling; if you didn't tell her; i would still be comfortable; but you couldn't lied and i understand why; if you are hiding from someone you love; imaging other kind of damage that you could possibly cause and do; i am nobody to you anyway; like is a like; nothing more at this point.

i do not know.

i am lost i guess.

but in this moment in my life.

the trip; the love making; the shouting; the yelling; the silly questions; how we handling things; the coffee; the muesli; the milk; the alcohol; the sausages; the touching; the hugging; the cuddling; even without sex; with you; everything feels incredibly nice.

i like the way we are. i like you, too much. im always your nice girl, your best food and your little bastard.

until soon. or not soon.

It’s never as good as you want it to be; It’s never as bad as it seems.

he confirms it;
if you want happiness; you also need to take the sad things that come with it;
another friend said;
it's a package;
you can't avoid;
i never really do take it all as a package;
i always run away;
i always act tough;
but i am just so weak;
now i have to take it on.
being both happy and sad;
with you;
right here;
right now.

If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking.

In so many occasions with the exact moment and conversation they say they enjoy spending time with me; i guess i am not a bad person afterall; it's just that when i am facing my life and my own devil; i will be defeated miserably.

Accept no one's definition of your life, but define yourself.

I am my own person. I don't need your respect and regards to live. Just keep that to yourself, please.

You sort of come face to face with your own values at some point, where you can walk away or do something about it.

i guess in the end;
walking away;
looking back;
with all your condemn;
my only take away is;
you are more hopeful than i am;
the one that is living in a bleak black hole;
actually it's me;
it's me.

Those who respect themselves will be honorable but he who thinks lightly of himself, will be held cheap by the world.

in the end; i take this as a closure; if you still writing me just so you can humiliate me and criticize me; you can save all that; because to me you dont understand a thing; i never even see our relationship has a future; not with the way we keep going; and not with the way we visualizing; we have different opinion on this matter, clearly. so let's agree to disagree.

case closed.

the end.

Power is the ability to do good things for others.

I am waiting for the day;
You and I running out of things to say;
That will be the day those butterflies fly away.

Happy Birthday, for the 37th time.

same as every year;
i just tell you once more;
you have made it;
this far;
be strong and go again;
for another year.

When you cannot make up your mind which of two evenly balanced courses of action you should take - choose the bolder.

the conversation with you is very minimal;
even then i think i am already sharing too much;
too damn much.

A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.

do you think it is possible sometimes, some people they will just not have a normal relationship, no matter how much  they try and whatever they do?  

It is good to dream, but it is better to dream and work. Faith is mighty, but action with faith is mightier.

"you gotta increase your tolerance to bull-shit";
he told me;
and add "if it is worth it", as a disclaimer;
to me it is always worth it;
i always fall too hard;
too fast;
too strong;
slowly losing myself and changing myself in the process;
which i  know is wrong;
in the end;
i let go;
as expected;
because i dont want to be someone that i am not;
this i come to know myself a little bit too well;
too well.

One of the best ways to persuade others is with your ears - by listening to them

i am too selfish;
i didnt want to know that;
how many women he slept with;
i never wanted to;
why would i;
coz i slept with men too;
to be fair;
just to be fair.

Patience is passion tamed.

5 months gone, then took another two weeks to finally throw the towel and for him to move on. 

Such a roller-coaster ride.

Then im still with a dear friend of mine, which i believe if we ever develop a long term relationship, thing will change between us. Im just never easy and a demanding person.

Then that's another new person, that i feel quite comfortable with knowing whatever he is going thru but i still feel to be want to be with him.

I don't know if i am making sense, marching towards the 37 year of my life, i never feel so sure that i am actually doing things right. Not for the first time. Secretly so.

See first that the design is wise and just; that ascertained, pursue it resolutely.

i know this is wrong; an affair that feels so right; the more i think about it; the more time we spend together; it may lead us to part; because i am not perfect; because i have my flaws; because we do not have enough time; because i didnt met you first; so many things we start to talk about; slowly i am letting you in; and then harder for me to let you go; the desire becomes addictive; i still can be coldhearted and get rid of you; when i want to; i hope.

To get your ideas across use small words, big ideas, and short sentences.

Because all these men that i have been with never really makes me feel good about myself, or. Maybe im to them doing the same thing; i never actually make them feel good about themselves.

I don't know anymore.

You can preach a better sermon with your life than with your lips.

He is just very thoughtful.
A toothbrush.
That's all he needed to say.

i haven't felt such caring for quite sometimes now.

A sensitive soul.

i hope he stays.

I had rather do and not promise than promise and not do.

He said I was cute back then, now im beautiful.

What ought one to say then as each hardship comes? I was practicing for this, I was training for this.

I used to leave things around on purpose, i dont anymore. 

Man is happy only as he finds work worth doing -- and does it well.

I guess what you don't realise is you have caused all these commotions.

You did it.  Not me.

To be what we are, and to become what we are capable of becoming, is the only end of life.

you say you are coming back; that we were good; i dont feel that at all; how odd; i just feel unusually calm; simply because i hide and dodge; because the more i say and explain the more it seems like an excuse;  it is indeed revealing; so now you know who and how i am; that i am not worth your time; that you are chasing after an empty dream; i hope the time and energy that you have invested in building something better lasted even after i am not there to share it; if not for anyone that do it for yourself which you should anyway; i never meant to share your glory anyway; i am not qualified; i am a coward; i am infamous in blocking; to that you should not be surprise at all; i am not saying i am right; i mean just to prove my point anyway; i just a useless bitch; drama queen; just to prove everyone will eventually walk away from; as i do this to myself.

I like a person who knows his own mind and sticks to it; who sees at once what, in given circumstances, is to be done, and does it.

You thought there was this nice and simple person, in front of you, all this while. I have issues, in the end i just have to let you know that;

you found the courage and readiness to drop me a bomb; you told me that you like me; within a short frame of almost two months you said you are falling in love with me; when i clearly know that you dont even know me yet;

how can i trust you and believe that is true;

i just have to drop that same kind of bomb on you too;

i dont feel the same feeling that you feel for me; i dont feel good and i dont feel special;

i really dont;

i can not lie;

and i dont even feel sorry about it;

that a clear sign that - i really have issues!

To do the useful thing, to say the courageous thing, to contemplate the beautiful thing: that is enough for one man's life.

you don't stimulate me; intellectually.