Sunday, December 13, 2015

There is a story, always ahead of you.

we made time for each other; no matter how late; or how inconvenient it may be; i asked you when is she coming back; you gave me a wrong date; then you stand corrected; regretted that you are seeing me two day less; i feel the pain;  it is not the bad conscience that kills me; because we both adult and know damn well what we have got ourselves into; we hold ourselves accountable and responsible for all fault; so the guilt does not actually eating me up so much; it's the longing; the waiting; the near you but cannot be with you part that saddens me mostly; i busy myself with my house; finally settle in; get a lot of things done because i want you here; you have a lot of events and parties to attend to; you share it with me; late night; in you arm; with beer; sharing stories; watched a play; gay community; we talk about even that; we see each other last weekend; out of our routine; i got scare and leave earlier as you expected without waking you; you wish you have more time with me; with us; i just want to leave; i do not want the same mistake; i do not want any disruption in your life which i know it's kind of impossible; i do not want any comparison; i will feel uncomfortable; she gave you 25 years of her life; i only manage short spur of excitement in the end; we went for a movie still; the only option that we can have two pity little hours and be close to each other; all the touching moment; i try not to cry; more and more i see you; more and more it makes me sad; how can i explain this feeling that is so strong and overwhelming; we have to wait four days now in between to meet; i had some other plan at first; i cancel it and make time for you; you wish to have a nice dinner with me; you dont have to spend much on me but you insisted that you like to; i dont know eventually what will we become; i am to selfish to let go now; in the end i know we both will be deeply hurt when we part; then why dont we just do it right here right now......and ......



but then when i am asking that question; i already know why;

emotion is something you cannot control.

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