Friday, December 30, 2016
I don’t want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them.
Thursday, December 29, 2016
Nothing is permanent. Anger passes. Stupidity is usually temporary. And even the best things in life can’t last forever.
then i am thinking;
he is with them;
why is he still think about me;
in a total reverse role;
i would be the same;
all this will not stop;
even for me;
he is not feeling more with me compared to them;
it is totally different feeling altogether;
in the verge of lust and desire;
which i wonder;
is there ever love?
Friday, December 23, 2016
because i do not feel that i am entitle to; who am i to you? because it is none of my business; because you will choose her over me anyway; because in the end you will walk away; because because because; i have endless list of reasons; but none of it you would want to hear; because you will not be able to handle the truth; i am always too self-conscious; afraid that a move i make will be a mistake; never say always and never say never; i wish to be more open with you; you have no freaking idea; how can i not worry about you when the one only thing i want to do is worry about you.
Thursday, December 22, 2016
im glad we did it; you called at 2000; not a minute more; not a minute less; you dress with a coat; food prepared nicely; candles lit; red wine; so was i; black dress; simple food; merlot 2012; we had a brief eating session on the dining table; some music; then we move to the bed; mainly talk about things we normally dare not talk about; only now i know it has been going on since 2013; i want to believe that it is not a revenge; because you say you did not like it; i guess a feeling to share your loved one with someone can be overwhelming but she continue to; just because he is more tender and giving her more attention; he is not even attractive; it is no rocket science; obviously she just need your attention; and you need your space; simple compromise; you said you both can keep going but you do not know if this neutral mode can last; she also the type that think about other and the harmony; perhaps you wish she can share more; i even ask you if you can turn back time; but you said life is a trade off; you get some good stuff by losing some stuff; you wont turn around any event in your life because you feel your life has been something you want to keep up until now; you also say even if you get to turn it around you will not be sure it will be better off or worse off; i throw you whole lot other questions which we already know the answer to; you like my smiling and you ask me not to change that; you said i am good for you because from me you learn how to talk to her better; but you do not see yourself beneficial for me; you are not me; you do not see it but i do; and i hear the song only i hear; you say i am still too hard on myself and cautious; i should ask if i want to know; but i think too much; because you did not ask to; you are much simpler; i always bottle up; overthink about how you would feel; but i wish not know about how you spending great time with her or looking at your photo with her; it does not do anything for me but only makes me sad; because i am feeling so much for you; i shared my stories about other guys too; you feel relief because none of it work out; nevertheless if any of it does you will have to learn how to cope with it; which i have been doing for long; because you already belong to someone else; i am egoistic and selfish too; i can't bear the fact that you are hers; but i cant change that; you say she would has to be the one to do it herself, to stop seeing that guy; you will not ask her to do so; in a small way you glad she did not stop that she continue so you can still see me; but that hurts even more knowing that the day might come without any warning or any sign; because i am not the one that is constantly checking what you will say even i want to know; there is still this thin invisible line we tend not to cross; it is bad enough that you are not mine; i still do not understand why would a couple swing if they are happy with each other; out of boredom? excitement? and you feel that i ask some questions with a neutral perspective as if i am a therapist; rather out of curiosity of you that i genuinely want to know; but somehow how can i ask question only about you without involving her; she has been part of your life for twenty odd years; that is not something you can just simply say no to; you say you cant have emotions with many people; you talk to her and to me; will that be a big struggle; we may talk about different things; but still; and yet; when you say you will always love me because i am me and tell me numerous time "i love you" because you are feeling that way; but how am i supposed to feel while you are saying you love me but you love her too; i am selfish; i want you just for me; all by myself; but it can not be; and we both know it; i was also telling you this relationship that we have is special; i am not your wife and we do not have the luxury of time to play guessing game; if anything i would rather you ask me if i want you to share and vice versa; rest assured if i am your wife; i could most probably end up the same demand as she is to you right now anyway; i can see the irony; really i do; it is funny that the reason i love you so much it is just plain stupid; maybe i am; maybe i forever will be; but in this moment i am very very happy; if i feel so and that i haven't felt for a long time; the pain and hurt; does it matter compare to the smile on my face when i get to be with you? then i ask myself, if i get to choose i will do it again, again and again.
"For you, a thousand times over"
Wednesday, December 21, 2016
Loneliness does not come from being alone, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important.
a missed call;
you called me;
you still in the bed;
i am still at home;
going to office later than usual;
i asked about dinner;
what you enjoy and did not enjoy;
you like the feeling of home;
somewhere you belong and go back to;
it will not be me;
it is somewhere else;
somewhere without me;
you wink and smile at me;
i am having my coffee;
i know what you are thinking;
the sheer lust;
we are holding on to;
still attracted to each other;
in a distance;
screaming your name;
after we cool down;
the song that comes on;
it lingers because it is beautiful, sad and true;
"but it is time to face the truth, i will never be with you."
Tuesday, December 20, 2016
i guess i could've done it better;
i could've packed all the hearts nicer;
because you were saying the first time you receive it in such a nice box;
then you did not get it the second time after;
many times we take things for granted;
even from this small gesture;
they will know;
they will get it;
in fact they never do;
and there's when things start to get a little off the track;
but that is what every couple does;
they are willing to try and bring things back on track;
i hope you both do too;
not because of me;
not because of anything;
but simple because you both want to;
as a third person;
i shine a light to the gap;
she still love you and so are you;
i cant be in the way;
you value your life now more than anything;
nothing can spoil it;
surely will not be me;
but i silly enough to believe that;
when you say you love me and that i make you happy;
i think i am the only person in the world that will be able to do that;
but i also practical enough to believe that;
in this life we can not be together;
and this is not our fault at all;
so i long for the next life;
if i can find you;
i promise you;
i will find you;
Monday, December 19, 2016
the year is coming to an end;
knowing that you will go back home;
i suggested we dress up, have a drink and celebrate the season;
both of us far away;
when people get desperate;
they have crazy thoughts;
it could be a stupid, silly idea;
but i do miss you;
then i realise;
eventually no matter what;
you are not mine;
escapism - a new word to me;
nevertheless is how i feel with you;
because you are not getting what you want out of that;
and you somehow somewhat getting it from me;
even just a little;
me too is feeling the same way;
the feeling that makes you feel alive is rare and precious;
so you seize it;
no matter how stupid it sounds, or make you look;
sometimes it is just that one person that matters;
i do not know if that will be you;
i just now i am your replacement to fulfill something that you are missing right now in your life.
it could be nothing.
it could be love.
it could be anything.
Saturday, December 17, 2016
Wednesday, December 14, 2016
we brought it to test in my house;
did not work;
a short catch up;
since you back from the trip;
on and off;
i never text you a lot;
until you really want to see me;
i will get a text from you;
i feel the feeling is slowly subsiding;
i purposely throw you a question;
you said i still turn you on;
you still feel me so;
what you did not know is;
i am in love with someone else;
a year ago.
Saturday, December 10, 2016
After nine months, we finally decided to say goodbye, hearts after hearts, quote after quote. It wasn't the first time and only time that you have been telling me repeatedly that you will be very happy being together with me, for the rest of your life. You would've asked me to live with you if only the circumstances allowed so, but I want to say that I at least know you a little and the man I love is exactly how you are.
Every time we made love, you fall for me a little more. Just as I say goodbye, a bit of me die a little each time. You said you like this country more because of me. I am happy to know that.
We know this relationship will not last for long, you are a good man, married with a happy family and a good life, have your own dreams, thing you want to archive, the thinking that you stick to, talking about the meaning of life, but I love you for who you really are, this two weeks together with you makes me realise that even more.
Right after you pick me up from the airport, I already feel that this trip will be a great one and the one where both of us are ready to say goodbye. We love each other also because of that, we think the same.
The weather was amazing the whole two weeks I'm with you, make it almost perfect. The coffee, muesli, the iPad, the music, the news, you need to work, greeting you after work, sitting in your garden, I wasn't trying too hard and try to be somebody to you, hence i restrain myself with your house work, reminder, laundry, only your wife can do that for you and I clearly know that, your office, the place you pump the gas, I'm as your temporary translator, how I got upset because you called me name which I hated, because I am thinking we are more than that, happy city, each meal, gym membership, each direction, each long drive, ikea, sheng yang, Harbin, sitting by the river side, people watching, Chang bai Shang, your car, all the annoyance, agitation, roundabout, parks, traffic, coffee, dessert, barbecue,skewed meat, beer, wine, hot pot, big breakfast, breaking coffee cup, cycling, swimming, grocery shopping, quietly giving u moment to make phone calls, the way u make fun of me and the way u call me your bastard. Watched a movie, at cinema, at home, the two hotels we stayed, u learning Chinese, the little things. You gave me your kindle, I know you feel bad and just want to give me something, but to me this trip you suggested was the best parting gift, ever. I don't need anything more, but your love and all these precious memories.
I was glad I have knocked your door and took me with you so that we spent our last day in the bed longer, we both afraid to say a lot of things, which we know deep down what exactly was it, I'm independent and strong, I want no trouble from you and I ask nothing out of you, you admire me of being so, saying that I did well for myself, hoping that I will find a man who is able to make me happy. There is no guarantee in life, I don't know about man, but I can promise you at least I will be myself and continue on well. As for you I want you to be happy always in whatever way you do. I cherish this special relationship we had very much and I don't think that will ever change. Every little small things now will only remind me of you.
I like that you say you know me a little, in fact you knew me quite well. My impatience, how in a lot of ways, we are alike. The way i flap my hands when the light turns green, how I squeezed your hand a little during traffic. Really, only all these small little things.
You have no idea how badly I wanted to jump in your car and hold you when I see you turn around to have one last look at each other but I know that i can't make this love too important, in the end we have to leave anyway, we know it.
May you be well, my forever darling. For no one can ever replace that, ever. We will see us again, some day, some way, some how.
Thursday, December 8, 2016
I fly to you. Just to be with you all over again. We lasted for more than a year now. Learning something new now makes me realise nothing is ever perfect until you really want it to be. The effort you put in shaping the kind of life you yearn for. I used wonder what am I doing with you? Is it something wrong? But it is not my fault. I do not know if we are saying goodbye this time. we will start to run out of things to say, because we don't have routine and mundane life story to talk about, not as a couple, no problem to solve, only sex, wine, food and good things. Maybe in Sunday we will find out. It seems all clear now, it will be ok to let go, even if we do, even I did not stay a day longer, it is still ok, which I remember that used to be something that I want the most.
Two similar intense encounters, make you think about things in a whole new different angle in life, to wonder what really makes you happy and what really matters the most.
Life has its own twist and turn way..
On my way home. We hugged each other long goodbye. All the things that I was supposed to ask you, you have asked me back. I was afraid we have nothing to do or say. You wanted to buy me a perfume. We didn't really do much at all. Just walking around town. For me that was enough. Do you know something? It's how you like to say before you tell me something. You said you felt like you have know me for the longest time. Every kiss, touch, hug, I will never forget, the timing was just right, it would make us too sad if we stay any longer. Still boundaries we don't cross, still wall we don't break down. Deep down we know how this is going. A photo that we never take. You are to never leave me. To love two persons at the same time, I am the one who would want no burden of you. I bought you dinner, you bought me German beer. We had a nice Xmas feel Starbucks coffee treat. Hot pot. Two days of breakfast. The walk, Jin Li street, lan Kwai Fong, Jiu yan qiao, we don't even care about panda, a nice streets and malls. Big muji, quiet temple. white sparkling wine. nice music. you fell asleep on my lap. you holing my hand. We were early for the check in. 30 min. Late tasteless chrysanthemum tea. U ask me why I take off my ring. Because it is not a permanent ring. Not like your wedding ring. I tried yours. I answer all the questions I was supposed to ask you. You made me cried. At the airport. Do you know. You said you feel like you have know me for a long time. Will you still feel that after 25 years? I don't know. U enjoy me. Enjoy us. Has no desire to use ur phone. Endless intensity of love making. Every breath, every words, every songs, just remind of each other so much on the little things. You get one wish, you want to see me again. We promise us. Germany is something on the list too. How can I ever say no to you? To deny this? To walk away from all this? At least I couldn't do it, not now, not right now.