Thursday, December 22, 2016

We almost always forgive those we understand.

im glad we did it; you called at 2000; not a minute more; not a minute less; you dress with a coat; food prepared nicely; candles lit; red wine; so was i; black dress; simple food; merlot 2012; we had a brief eating session on the dining table; some music; then we move to the bed; mainly talk about things we normally dare not talk about; only now i know it has been going on since 2013; i want to believe that it is not a revenge; because you say you did not like it; i guess a feeling to share your loved one with someone can be overwhelming but she continue to; just because he is more tender and giving her more attention; he is not even attractive; it is no rocket science; obviously she just need your attention; and you need your space; simple compromise; you said you both can keep going but you do not know if this neutral mode can last; she also the type that think about other and the harmony; perhaps you wish she can share more; i even ask you if you can turn back time; but you said life is a trade off; you get some good stuff by losing some stuff; you wont turn around any event in your life because you feel your life has been something you want to keep up until now; you also say even if you get to turn it around you will not be sure it will be better off or worse off; i throw you whole lot other questions which we already know the answer to; you like my smiling and you ask me not to change that; you said i am good for you because from me you learn how to talk to her better; but you do not see yourself beneficial for me; you are not me; you do not see it but i do; and i hear the song only i hear; you say i am still too hard on myself and cautious; i should ask if i want to know; but i think too much; because you did not ask to; you are much simpler; i always bottle up; overthink about how you would feel; but i wish not know about how you spending great time with her or looking at your photo with her; it does not do anything for me but only makes me sad; because i am feeling so much for you; i shared my stories about other guys too; you feel relief because none of it work out; nevertheless if any of it does you will have to learn how to cope with it; which i have been doing for long; because you already belong to someone else; i am egoistic and selfish too; i can't bear the fact that you are hers; but i cant change that; you say she would has to be the one to do it herself, to stop seeing that guy; you will not ask her to do so; in a small way you glad she did not stop that she continue so you can still see me; but that hurts even more knowing that the day might come without any warning or any sign; because i am not the one that is constantly checking what you will say even i want to know; there is still this thin invisible line we tend not to cross; it is bad enough that you are not mine; i still do not understand why would a couple swing if they are happy with each other; out of boredom? excitement? and you feel that i ask some questions with a neutral perspective as if i am a therapist; rather out of curiosity of you that i genuinely want to know; but somehow how can i ask question only about you without involving her; she has been part of your life for twenty odd years; that is not something you can just simply say no to; you say you cant have emotions with many people; you talk to her and to me; will that be a big struggle; we may talk about different things; but still; and yet; when you say you will always love me because i am me and tell me numerous time "i love you" because you are feeling that way; but how am i supposed to feel while you are saying you love me but you love her too; i am selfish; i want you just for me; all by myself; but it can not be; and we both know it; i was also telling you this relationship that we have is special; i am not your wife and we do not have the luxury of time to play guessing game; if anything i would rather you ask me if i want you to share and vice versa; rest assured if i am your wife; i could most probably end up the same demand as she is to you right now anyway; i can see the irony; really i do; it is funny that the reason i love you so much it is just plain stupid; maybe i am; maybe i forever will be; but in this moment i am very very happy; if i feel so and that i haven't felt for a long time; the pain and hurt; does it matter compare to the smile on my face when i get to be with you? then i ask myself, if i get to choose i will do it again, again and again.

"For you, a thousand times over"

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