Friday, September 30, 2016

The flower bloomed and faded. The sun rose and sank. The lover loved and went.

10 days flew by; i got your message that you are home; i was surprised; we text; meet up; had dinner without beer; you want to stay with me; i couldn't; you kept saying you miss me; i kept want to know why; you said ive lost weight and you mentioned ive gained before; im confused; i drove you back to my home; you did; i say sleeping with you makes me feel stupid; you still attracted to me very much; you miss everything of me as a whole; cant pinpoint a specific reason; we had some chocolate; beer; just chilling; we talked about your new resume excitingly, i mean you talk about it excitingly; you asked about my new class; find it fascinating; you said we are going to have more things to talk about; i do not know if that is a good thing; it is not in my nature to consult; my thought always comes a day late; you said; still we enjoy each other company somehow; i smoked the last cigarette; you were telling good things about me; said that i am something; also about your two young friends; the drunken argument and what not; sometimes i think you reach the point that you do not know what to say to me anymore because you couldn't share your own stuff you end up talking about other people just to fill up the awkward silence in the room; i did the same but without telling about other people maybe because i do not have other people; ultimately in the end you call the shot; you have to know what to do; no matter what other says; that is sort of the conclusion after we have spent another night together. 

Thursday, September 29, 2016

I want to know what to do with the dead things we carry.

I am afraid we are creating this illusion for you and i that is too good to be true and in the end it is.

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

To tell someone not to be emotional is to tell them to be dead.

Because there will be things that once you do not talk about it in a daily basis then you will not anymore.. Because it has passed.

Monday, September 26, 2016

Happiness is a direction, not a place.

Because the idea of losing you scares me too and i dont know if you mean it anymore when you say that you love me.

Sunday, September 25, 2016

It is hard to stop loving the ocean, even after it has left you gasping.

Maybe what you don't know is.. Or maybe you do know that....when you tell me stuff about her; whatever it is, even if it involves something i bought you, like the mug, it's not is really not, it is just sad.

Saturday, September 24, 2016

Friday, September 23, 2016

If we are the same person before and after we love, that means we haven’t loved enough.

I silently wish that you will told me this is enough. 
That i am standing in your way back to your wife. 
That i am useless. 
That i am only doing you harm. Hurting you.
That this is not gonna work if we continue this way.
Thta you text me first.
Thta you gave up.
Which i already know this will always be the case. 
As much as i try to deny it.
Please just let me hurt first.

Thursday, September 22, 2016

Tie your life to a goal, not to people or things.

You know what we are.
Two kids that participate in a marshmallow contest.
One know the other will hardly let go.
And we are here for a standoff.
Finding way to get the other to give up and claim the victory sadly.
Then retreat to the side silently.
Back to the loneliness.
In the dark.

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Love means something different when all you want from someone is for them to stay.

.......but I am also sure it will be most likely never as I love you now.
....... now he is longing only for yours. Or to be honest. Mostly only for yours. 

I admire people who have the ability to touch you and still be thousands of miles from your presence.

we video chat; it slipped out; we talked a little about the book; you said you will not let me go; you wish you can change the name to yours so you can become my Willem to the Jude; i didnt wanted to at first; but you kept staring at me; until i realise i should; finally i told you about the stupid surprise; you were happy that i thought about it that i wanted to see you; you said we will meet again; this year; i am not very optimistic; but i carry on; longing for you like i always have; i even told you i wanted to meet you even without the sex; it only shows now you mean more important to me physically; my love for your transpire into something else; something deeper; more serious; harder to let go of;  i masturbated hard for you; again and again last night; wanting you; this love; this feeling; this desire; i dont care about anyone else but you; you said i am amazing beautiful for you, and that im a different beautiful to the models in newspaper; much more deeper; you could believe i have fall for you; as i also cannot believe it myself; this attraction; this chemistry that lingers on; for a year now; what have we done; i hope this damage only belong to the two of us; i do not want to give it to anyone else; even if it hurts real bad; if this mean i get to be with you; i will bear every single second of it; no matter what; until the end; or until you say to stop so; until then.

i love you;

so much;

so deep;


Monday, September 19, 2016

I laughed and said, Life is easy. What I meant was, Life is easy with you here, and when you leave, it will be hard again.

We have feelings for each other but that doesn't make us bad people... It makes us become good all the more, for thinking about the other person, all the time.

Sunday, September 18, 2016

There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.

We finally had time to video chat coz u r working on a Sunday. We sneak time like thieves but willingly.
You told me your feelings about her. That you feel strongly of me even more.
We can't deny that.
We have agreed that in the end we will only stop if it makes us unhappy regardless of how we make the other person feels, i know its selfish but this is also the only way we know how to go forward.
You told me. You are going outstation and that it'd be easy to talk with me. I don't know if i should feel happy or sad. But feelings are feelings. I guess. Maybe i secretly wish that she finds us out and we discontinue, then i can say this is cause by your carelessness.
In the end, even if I'm married i will still choose to be with you this way. I know it.
What i never say was, i can't feel the same for other men too, this you will never know.

The most courageous act is still to think for yourself. Aloud.

In the end, some people are like Willem, some people are like Jude.
Reading afterthought.... A little life.

Saturday, September 17, 2016

When you do what you fear most, then you can do anything.

I am upset that i missed you;
Not your fault or mine;
You are not mine to begin with;
And i start to doubt that when you say you miss me if that is true;
Since she is already here;
The yoga you say you want to do with me;
The coffee you said you would offer me;
I want you to know that you cannot simply say such a thing and forget about it;
Because i am not taking this very lightly and you should not too;
I am taking all these small promises and hold you against it;
Then you will find out i am really terrible and up to no good.

Friday, September 16, 2016

But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.

It's not that i want to give up.
Are we in too deep?
Can we still pull back?
Deep down i think we know the answer.

Thursday, September 15, 2016

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

In the midst of such uncertainty, I cling not to what I know, but what I feel.

You know the worst part.
You didn't make me hate you.
You make me love you even more.
It sounds crazy. Because it is.

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

I can’t let you go now. I want to go places with you; obscure little places, just to be able to say: here I came with her

13092016 @ 1830-  we managed to catch each other in a short 13min chat;
line was quite bad we have to quit the video chat;
while you are changing into your sport wear right after your vico;
i always appreciate you make time for me despite all this difficulties;
when you start losing things that you normally have every seconds count.
My old Ying you said.
But i never change. If anything. I only missing you more, coz i was yelling at you; saying you are such an idiot to let go of me; to forget to send me heart; that's how it all started for someone to far away; such and such;
compressed everything of my day in a short summary form.
compromise and sacrifice.
until we don't want to do this anymore.
u did not answer my long reply. I am unsure how i should take it. I guess ill just leave it until then.
u may change your habit. R u still up at 5? Learn Chinese then? I don't know.
but when i tell you i miss you. That is unchanged, something that will not change because it is just difficult to.

Monday, September 12, 2016

Sunday, September 11, 2016

Saturday, September 10, 2016

Remember you are not an apology, you belong solely to yourself.

the day has finally arrived;
she will be with you;
i am not;
if we parted;
this will be the end of it;
we are back to discreet trips of our secret love affair;
admit it;
as much as i hate the sound of it;
i am afterall just your fuck buddy;
i am not that naive;
although i wish i kind of am.

Friday, September 9, 2016

You were once wild here. Don’t let them tame you.

I was juts crying the other day.
And now im happy again.
You really break me.
Do you know that?

Thursday, September 8, 2016

Sooner or later we’ve all got to let go of our past.

you are a reasonable guy;
but to cross this line with me is something you are so tempting to do;
you hate it when i mention too many times;
what would happen then;
we will be living together;
get bored of each other;
have kids;
lead a normal marriage like what you had for 25 year;
to start anew is a crazy idea;
you already have everything that you should not give up on;
for what?
just for a good fuck?
is it worth it?
your dream of growing old with her;
your dream of being in a community;
your own country;
your piece of land;
your home;
your own.

we always have a way with each other; the slight change of behaviour that i would realise is somehow for a reason.

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

It’s nice when someone remembers small details about you.

you said you still want to go on;
to chat;
i said if you break my heart i will kill you;
you said you have a way to change my mind if i ever see you again;
we continue on as two reasonable people do;
because we know our way;
at least i know mine;
i am sure you know yours;
although she will be here soon;
which she is supposed to be;
because she is in your life;
i am not;
I like that u r like a kid who wants everything;
I like that u feel how u feel for me;
I like that u r awake with me;
I like that u r weak for me as i am for u;
we are no saint;
not ever;
I like that we have lines we don't cross that we wish we did;
I like that;
a huge lot.

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

I love you, even if there isn’t any me, or any love, or even any life. I love you.

Happiness come in many forms;
Sometimes it may not be in the form we expect them to;
But doesn't mean its wrong;
I am telling myself that;
I want to tell you that it is ok;
that we need to let go.

Monday, September 5, 2016

Let it hurt. Let it bleed. Let it heal. And let it go.

You said "I love you - Forever" and that you have asked me to please never forget that. 
But i want you to know these are big words that once you have used it on somebody it holds certain commitment and accountability which you may not be able to offer me with.
there is no turning back and then what do i do.

all i can do is move on; knowing that it hurts, day after day;

I open a heart that was meant for you today; it was not as good as all those i have given you.

Sunday, September 4, 2016

I don’t think you can ever fill the empty space with the thing you lost.

But what I experience with you I never had before and I think I will never have again.....
I think we will have it again.
Im jealous but i want you to put her before me. I'll be sad and ill get over it. I have to. I force to.

Saturday, September 3, 2016

We all have rules; they differ, but we all play by them.

and how can i tell you that i feel less turn on with my fwb;
that i am so into you;
that you are the only one i want to have sex with;
that you turn me on;
make me wet in a totally different way;
you make my desire burn so strongly;
that even with the chance of me meeting a new man;
where you are still constantly in my mind;
as a comparison;
as a benchmark;
then i remember this quote;
i always love you;
even though i am busy pretending to date someone else;
it is true.

Friday, September 2, 2016

You don’t remember what happened, what you remember becomes what happened.

We didn't promise to chat that night;
I went off and i didn't send u a msg like how i normally do telling you where i will be;
U msg me said u were home waiting for me;
I text as soon as i read the text;
Phone rang;
U said u turned the volume up so that u won't miss me;
That is enough;
Just that;
It's enough.

Thursday, September 1, 2016

All good things in life are fragile and easily lost.

Will you be able to endure the pain even when it means when you love someone that you do not get to be with?