Saturday, March 29, 2014

Be life long or short, its completeness depends on what it was lived for.

29.3 07:42


The thing is are you even sure that you are ready to build a home, with someone, you are materially ready, but are you mentally, physically and mentally, because there such erratic behavior that is unreasonable. It drives people away. 

with your life, are you ready to change? Am I ready to change? that's a big question. 

My clinginess, my intrusiveness can you treat it as a way of admiration? Because this will not only be your life, not anymore. 

Our conversation in the evening makes me think long and hard about what I want in life and what do I want to do with my life. 

I can move in right away, get married, start a life, get what I always been wanted, but is this the way I exactly visualize it to be, maybe not, but I'm getting there right? That's an act of unfairness and irresponsible in it still, I can't helped but think. 我们总要为我们的行为决定负上责任啊!

But a feeling of certainties never occur, there will be time when I am kind of sure but much more time I actually didn't feel that way. Every time seeing you only makes me want to see you again and to know you more, to find out more.


What am I trying to achieve? To be humiliated? To be abandoned? To be made fun of? I still don't know what I like about you, but you are not driving me away at this point, not yet. I want to find out more, I'm still intrigue. 





其实你想要我告诉你什么呢?这个周末我们在一起度过了,我们的对话决定都是于人无由的,我没有后悔只是觉得我一直在原地踏步,你说要为自己而活但那并不表示你不需要去照顾他人的感受,不是吗?be yourself. 谈何容易呐。


我想告诉你, 你不能不知道的是;就算我们没有彼此我们也还是会好好的,这是你也其实已经知道的。


Thursday, March 27, 2014

To give real service you must add something which cannot be bought or measured with money, and that is sincerity and integrity.

I guess the question about why am I still want to do this. you may be right on the boring bit as well.

I've been stubborn, angry and hard all my life, I thought I may need someone soft to neutralize me if I am even in a relationship. Someone that speaks softly, gently to calm me down, little that I know I actually need someone stronger, more stubborn, angrier that calm me down. Opposite attracts in this case is so wrong.

This will be a challenging disaster that I don't want to fail.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

To aim at the best and to remain essentially ourselves is one and the same thing.

in the different stages of my life, all the broken non-fruitful relationships aside, there was two times in my life that i feel really down and to the extend that i question the meaning of life with one time almost couldn't find the strength to go on. im not here to ask for pity and sympathy, just merely telling you about me. there was a time in my life when i was really suicidal, after the couple of years of my first long term relationship, im very down, depressed and i keep on spending unnecessarily, the credit card debt is the one thing that stop me thinking about suicide.

then it comes a very depressing time in my work where i literally hate my boss even though i love my job, that last for about two years with the thought  of moving back to my little hometown, but things turn around when i took more control of my work, excel in every way possible where my boss cant have a say, then i end up here until now

my grandma passing away also affect me greatly, it happened in front of my eyes and that wasnt really something you want to remember but you have to and just have to deal with it. i didn't cry, not on the day, not on the funeral, not a single tear drop shed.

Monday, March 24, 2014

The way to get things done is not to mind who gets the credit for doing them.

i guess i always take a back seat in a relationship, where one should be equally seated in a relationship to make sure things work for both party, it takes two to tango, which i don't get a lot.

most of the guys ive been with either very dominant or always have a commitment issue, couple of them even have successful career but when it comes to relationship dealing, doesn't matter if you do good professionally, to deal with human emotion is something else. in that matter, i think i probably been scarred for live, not to exaggerate.

I used to be a very needy, clingy, sticky kind of person, not the attention seeker type, but at least to know my partner is around and will be around for me. Now I do it a lot less, no constant message, calls, because with the people I be with I end up have to take care of myself and i have been long independent event since. that doesn't mean i don't need anybody, i just become more alone and self dependent, that's all.

i guess i have always been clear with my goal, its to live as happy as i can, i also get pretty lucky with my work in a way but i never really put title and salary first, those thing don't seem too important to me, im happy doing what i do, yes i know i am silly, i should put title and money first, right?

then of course if its possible i want to build a family with someone and have kids; although through the 15 years, along the way i find that goal comes close to almost impossible to achieve with still very little hope left; i even plan to buy a condo and live on my own (once my name is remove from the old property, hope it will happen this June - its been drag on for 10 years, i know, my dad constant nagging didnt help either hope im getting there).

my saving mainly divided into different insurance saving scheme (5 of them) so i will have a bit of money when im old. other than that i give some pocket money to my parents (the sum that i can manage) as a dutiful daughter. i dont make millions bucks, just few thousand a month, but i know i can pull thru a reasonably frugal decent life, im not a flashy big spender, i can control it if i need to. nothing really bothers me much materialistically hence my concept of money is rather elementary, just keeping to the basic need. i don't do anything risky like investment, etc, besides i have no commitment, so its easier.

sometimes is funny, ive been in KL for 15 years and when i look back at whatever i need moving around, sitting inside this small little room in my brother owned apartment, i can probably get about 3 brown boxes and my life basically box it all up inside all these boxes, that's it.i too have my ups and downs in life, maybe not as severe as yours, i wont say i have an unhappy childhood, just more on screw up relationships actually.

one doesn't need a lot to live, i capture simple pleasure in life; it is not very complicated; you need very little to be happy; actually. if you really think about it.

Sunday, March 23, 2014

The grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love and something to hope for.

Live life in a bleak hole........Is the invitation open to all? That sounds like a club that I should recommend to someone I hate.

no sane person who wants to live a life would take that as either a challenge or an invitation, I surely decline. My life is not perfect but I don't want to be doomed.

Im not here to help you, pls remember that. You gotto help yourself first or nothing will move. Be honest and think for a moment, are you really ready to get involved with someone else and bring a new life to this world with full responsibility when you can barely even get your own shit together? (sorry to be blunt)

I am not here to criticize, but to get the fuck on by asking the right question and to address it honestly is so crucial right here right now.

Otherwise, I fully support you, you are right, you will just live in your own hole, for the rest of your life that looks very bleak.

Life is how you make of it William, it's your own choice to live in a hole, to be happy or damn sad for how ever long of a life that you may have left in front of you. Nobody can help you be happy if you don't start it.

Do you think you can self invite to happiness? I heard the membership is free for life. You just need to grab it now whenever you are ready.

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Do good by stealth, and blush to find it fame.

once we decided to let each other into our lives, the word "alone" will slowly drift away with time although not instantly.

that's why it is so important to let teach other know how we really feel, because if we cant be honest with each other then we have nothing.

"In a relationship, what we cannot talk about does not exist."

Friday, March 21, 2014

Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.

I know u r 48, nothing interests you much anymore, but it will be more disheartening to know this few weeks, you don't actually enjoyed yourself at all even just a little bit when we were together.

I actually wanted to ask you to go somewhere with me, but you asked me about my birthday first and I told you about Italy and it blew the whole thing out of proportion.

Our conversation never lead us to anywhere, sure you notice, while I understand your frustration, I have mine, I do whatever I can to at least stay wee bit positive if not 100%. But it does get old coz one can only do so much and try that many times before they give up.

The idea of what is there left for us to build is a question really you want to ask yourself first if you are ready to build that something, with that someone. I definitely not that someone, at least I don't feel like I am, plus it's a question too early to ask even if I am.

In retrospect, we probably married and having kid now if we met last year, but what is the point in saying that when that didn't and never will happen?

Seize the day is all I do now, William, your mind is hard for me to grasp. yes eventually it will get old, again it's a mutual understandable choice if we walk away from it, I'm repeating myself with the yes or no thing, but if it needed to be done then it needed to be done, I don't intend to force the black and white thing in, while I'm stop asking the question what we could be and that I just want to know you, our conversation inevitably forces the yes or no question to surface every time.


One must have the adventurous daring to accept oneself as a bundle of
possibilities and undertake the most interesting game in the world --
making the most of one's best.

-- Harry Emerson Fosdick (1878-1969) American Protestant Ministe

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Judgement comes from experience, and great judgement comes from bad experience.

i just want you to get to know me better, let me show you my world.

that's all.

i STOP asking what is going to happen, whether or not this will work, what are we suppose to do, whats our decision, whats my decision, because after last weekend, all i want to do is -

let you get to know me.

that's all and THAT IS ALL.

my question now is: does what i want matches with what you want i really really wonder? because you seem so clear on what you want.

does what i want matches with what you want and what if it doesn't? we can't kid ourselves by avoiding the question, if you already have an answer no matter what it is, just share it and let's move on. to be stuck like a broken record doesn't really help anybody.

what do you think?

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Beauty in things exists in the mind which contemplates them.

saying up to you or to your heart desire really does nothing to me, what does that even mean?

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me.

We have this wonderful time together; you have been struggled for weeks with your life; i showed up unannounced; you could've been mad at me ask me to fucking get lost; leave! you didn't; maybe you pity me; maybe you have empathy; i am always scare and i still am, afraid that i might be a burden; afraid that i trouble people; afraid that people are not telling me that i am a burden or trouble; always afraid; always too hard on myself and always unsettling; i am not the talking type; asking type; begging type; if you let me know or even when i sense the slightest annoyance; i will tell myself to back out and let you be; im never good at anything; never.

Monday, March 17, 2014

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Now is the time to understand more, so we fear less.

You thought you were returning the favour; but to me you just take it as revenge and want to get even; because I am messing up with your life; you showed me how merciless and cruel you could be.

Saturday, March 15, 2014

We forfeit three-fourths of ourselves in order to be like other people.

i thought you were happy to see me at least; you didn't show at all; which means if you don't mean to show it then you shouldve kept everything inside you even afterwards; now after all been said and done you telling me you hated my visit to the guts; i don't know how to react; no response; i take it as it is; inhuman is a very strong word; its upsetting and even disturbing; am i really that bad as a human being; i begin to doubt myself; "are you upset with me or you just want some time alone"; i thought you were at least having a good time; even short one; i was dead wrong; i know clearly the situation between us and the way we deal with each  other's feeling prove to be very very different in any way possible; i would much rather you ask me to go; your endurance mislead me to think that you are ok with it; that everything is alright; but the next day you actually telling me that it is not; its really hard for me to pick myself up again after falling so hard on the ground helplessly.

i am sorry. 

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Self-reverence, self-knowledge, self-control. These three alone lead to sovereign power.

If you google "different phase of love", you will get a lot of reference, that i dont need to tell you. im sure as hell it wont take you long to find out the different phase based on your experience.

"why am i being so nice?"; "why am i still entertaining you without feeling piss off at all"? etc, you wonder. i guess because this is the very initial phase where you testing the water, be kind of careful in what you want to say, trying to figure out what one likes, what one dislikes - whether saying certain things is ok? how would the other person react? you stay polite and well mannered coz you kind of like that person, etc etc.

when you were young you have your whole life ahead of you for these different stages, you can afford to take longer time to know someone, etc i dont mean to say we shouldn't still take long time to know someone, which we should, because how can you know someone immediately, right? just like if you interview a candidate within an hour, how can you possibly know he is the best fit for the job, right? you dont; but of course the skill of reading people, observing them within that short period of time give you a rough idea whether you should or should not hire them.

with the different phase of love are the same, now we cut off about 10-20 years time for that process coz we both know how old we are, so we based on our experience, the questions, the emails we wrote, the chat we had to gather information & basically get to know each other better.

of course this is an academic experience, this may even be a social experience: can two people drive each other mad with mails and phone calls without actually start to like each other? you know where im getting at........

i like you, i am not even denying that, i told you over that first phone call i made (still regret it), remember? but you have to admit all these questions of how come i still like you? how come i still talking to you? how come im not piss at you like how the other Caucasian women? how come this? how come that? i think you have a very good idea how come, you just want to hear it from me, smart ass!

then the question of how do we do this together, if you are not realising we are already doing it together, in a way, the emails are real, the chats are real, the meeting also is going to be real, that's as real as you can get, but then what will happen after: say after we meet, we REALLY like each other - will any of us quit jobs? relocate? quit studies? i highly doubt that's gonna happen at this very point in time, because nobody can freaking tell anyway, no one can predict future, so i dont know whats gonna happen, its too soon to tell, stop asking!!!! but if you want to plan and put down the paper to calculate the probability how is this going to fail, please go ahead, im not stopping you! haha.

for all i know we might just quit this coz if we start to think none of this is real then it probably gets a bit easier, or we can just fool ourselves during the meeting that we really dont like each other (or maybe we REALLY will not like each other), and what is the point if you are not buying any of this anyway right - to you no matter what we do, a few more years down everything will fade, no one can survive a relationship, because of your fear in seeing it disappear, because you never been able to build up one that last, etc etc

B, i am just as scare as you if not more, see how easy i quit? i actually called and asked to stop, because i want to already pull the plug before i even go down too deep, i see something good might come out of this but what did i do? i run the other way, the total opposite way. you are whole lot stronger than me, i chicken out! but then i think maybe we deserve it, i mean not to be together but at least to be happy. if doing this makes you and i happy, why should we stop? so now i dont, i carry on and curious to see what might happen.

Monday, March 3, 2014

The greatest discovery of my generation is that man can alter his life simply by altering his attitude of mind.

to be brutally honest about it, both of us are treading on delicate ground, on one hand want to do it together but on the other hand poking and prodding to seek reaffirmation, we have to admit, at least i have to admit there is this insecurities that linger as we carefully spread our safety net so we can have something to fall back on.

so what if we really try, go ahead and do it, what the worse that could happen? if we know we are going to be together at least have a good life, isnt that very thought enough to start it all, worth giving it a try? then its really up to us to work on sustaining this very relationship that we are so eagerly start.

i am doing for no other reason to want to keep each other happy; i am happy, i want to be happy, i am very selfish, i know being with you im happy, last weekend prove it at least; are you happy? do you think you will be happy when you with me? are you doing this because you want to do this and not because you want to prove anything to anybody else? we really have to get thru ourselves before we even ready to start all this.