Monday, July 31, 2017

The more you love a memory, the stronger and stranger it becomes.

you are back from your trip; 2 weeks fly by; you said you were tired and not sure if to cancel on me or not; i prepared dinner; a simple one; enough for us both; we were absolutely thrill to see us; not much words between us; i put on a new play list; mellow chill hit; we fooling about; you are really not a serious person deep down; i love your deep brown eyes; you love one of the songs; dr dre; in fact you just chill and enjoy the whole playlist; i got panic over small matter; i even cried; you calm me down; it's ok it's ok; you kept saying; look at me; im too clean; i want everything to be perfect; you grab hold of me; you take the chair; we did silly crazy hot stuff; you were telling me jokes; then seriously saying you have a tattoo on your back; i doubt you; you have to check? you asked me; i was unsure; i like how gentle you are; you still like how i stare at something when i think of nothing and that you stare at me; u said this is nsa; so everytime is the first time; everytime; i like the sound of your sleep; still it's time for you to leave and i just let you leave; just let you leave.

Silence is beautiful, not awkward. The human tendency to be afraid of something beautiful is awkward.

you pick on the smallest thing; you are so insecure; i did not even think of it that way; i am relief and glad we are not talking to each other; i am not in your life; we did not begin anything; at all; at all!

Thursday, July 27, 2017

You are part of my existence, part of myself. You have been in every line I have ever read.

one says miss me;
one says want to see me soon;
one say will bring me something sweet and salty;
one say am afraid that i will leave because of the loss conversation;
when we translate time in a profoundly micro way;
everything changes;
things that used to feel important;
things that used to be not;
if he is talking to them or to her the way we do;
if it changes anything at all;
behind that tall body;
i need not know the reason;
because it will not make a difference anyway.

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

The great art of life is sensation, to feel that we exist, even in pain.

it was really hot;
we want more;
we talked;
he said he will take care of me;
i know he already has someone else;
it is ok;
words are just words;
i can just sit down;
breathe it in;
without thinking of it very much;
i think about another him;
three weeks away;
disrupting routine;
of him and family;
he should be happy;
i do not know what can i give;
i don't him to be in harm;
i am reforming the stategy;
how do we see each other next.

Sunday, July 23, 2017

Everything I’ve never done, I want to do with you.

one of you is a mess;
another one missing me the whole time they are away;
everything we touch; make; do;
we want to indulge in it over and over again;
looking for ways to make plan;
for the days that may or may not come.

Thursday, July 20, 2017

Why are we embarrassed by silence? What comfort do we find in all the noise?

these few weeks i forgot how it is to be with you; i have many more things in mind; i start to compare; there is so much more out there; everything seems so small; all of the sudden; even when you ask me to wait; even when you ask me not to forget you; in a way; it is just difficult not to; eventually.

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

It’s possible to miss what you’ve never had, to mourn for it.

when i say i wish i can see you tonight;
you said me too;
you asked me to wait for you;
i can hear the smile and your shyness behind that smile;
i say i will wait for you if you wait for me too;
then a 3 weeks gap in between;
we will now then see;
what will happen.

Friday, July 14, 2017

I was interested in everything and committed to nothing.

it's a mark;
a small one;
the way we look and smile at each other;
the way you touch me when we sit across over dinner;
the way we share jokes;
the way you like my retro watch and say you will bring me yours;
the way you say you will bring me something and i ask you for a magnet;
the way we know each other in such a short time and that we already like each other;
monday, wednesday, saturday and wednesday;
i love him;
but i am not in love with him;
that is the conclusion i have for all these relationships i am having now;
it is a lot but i never feel so sure and clear in my head before;
although i kind of know it all along anyway.

Thursday, July 13, 2017

For the moment I am really very, very tired of everything - more than tired.

i like your perfume; i remember your scent; i feel your warmth everywhere; evidence that you were here; take good care of you; that was the last thing you said to me before you leave; you had to see me because you are going away for 2 weeks; i met you last Monday; we had met for 4 times; we have this feeling and building connection; you like my home; it fits me; you become extremely funny which i did not realise the first night; i waited for you outside; i asked what you want; you said you want a drink; get something to eat and come back; you looked around; observing; smiling at me; i have a very comfortable feeling with you; somehow; in such a short period of time; we talked about men and women; the three boxes; the things we can do together; a short break in august; not so many things; enough to get us excited; for a while; at least.

Monday, July 10, 2017

There is beauty, heartbreaking beauty, everywhere.

you were sick; you wanted to see me after you got better; we missed each other; dearly; even we only met briefly; it's the feeling; you said a friend is coming over; wont be able to meet same place; you are traveling soon as well; i slept over; we had dinner; a drink; simple way to spend an evening; telling light-hearted jokes; nothing serious or harmful; we know our boundaries; what line we do not cross; i miss more of the other one; we spoke constantly everyday; that feeling grew much more stronger and tighter; if one day you say we inevitable parted; you wish you can at least keep this deep connection; with you it is going to be brief and different; just like how i like it when you brush my hair away when i wake up in the morning; when i look at you; you tried to cover my eyes; i felt you are being shy; i like that in a man a little; that gesture is something he will never ever do; because i am in love with the both of you; in the same yet different ways. 

Thursday, July 6, 2017

Each time you happen to me all over again.

second night; casually; same excitement and enthusiasm; you stuck in a jam; postponed a little bit later; still on time; you were getting dress; i offer to drive you there; we had a wonderful evening; light food; drinks; joke about; snack food with a question; that was pretty unforgettable; you love it and she did not; you find a way; you had your fair share of experience; not the first time; i feel safer; you are cute; gentle; sensual; kind; sexy; passionate; i would have told you in the end of the night anyway; just that coz you asked about it over dinner; i told you and said if you do not want to see me after that; i would understand; the same as i told him before; you said you understand and accepted me as i am; other than that the rest of my story was true; i feel you are genuine too; besides i did not expect to see you again; now that i did i have to tell you the truth; i like the way you touch me; kiss me; move me, care for me and talk with me; you are very funny and charming in your own way; slowly loosen up; tell me funny joke; doing silly impersonation; you like how i dress with my converse; expecting me to do so; because you said that is just so you; i have to agree; i like how you always ask me if i am ok; i asked you about secret; in the end; secret is not something you even ask; it remains as something you want to share or not; we are adult; we know our boundaries; we both now; we miss being with someone; physically more than anything; lust has a price tag on it; sometimes cost you more than just pleasure; hopefully this pain comes in a good cause; it feels too good to know that someone knows the boundaries.

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

You’ve such a lovely temperature.

i like the depth of your eyes; the way you try to smile at me; the way we joke about we are going to have bad sex for 6 years; the way we getting comfortable with each other more and more; the way you insist of drinking even though in the beginning you did not want one; the way when i ask you whether you mind for me to have a drink and in the end you don't; the way you thank me because i left something behind and came back; the way you wanted to touch my hand and did not; the way you want to touch me and also did not; i like how honest you are; i like how you start to let go in life; i like how you have no intention to harm other and just enjoy life; i like how we stick with the 5 words game; i like the photo on your wall; i like how you make fun of me with my hands gently moving the sheets; i like you silently like me; i like that you know what you are doing and yet you still want to do it even though it may be wrong; i like in the end this could be the end of something or a beginning of another. 

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

Find things beautiful as much as you can, most people find too little beautiful.

maybe this morning you and her did it; that's why you were late; i am not someone who can ask that; question that; i do not entitle to; i do not own you; as you do not own me; change my strategy over the weekend; just for fun; gotten some reactions; making contacts; reaching out; pouring in; unexpectedly; filter thru; went with one; massive headache; straight forward fun; drank too much; after a day; ask for more; met another time; chat chat; made meal; few puffs; back to usual life; then another spontaneous meet; meet anywhere; dinner; few beers; did not think much of it; very straight; serious looking; joke around a little at last; opening up; what would you do if no one is judging you; you mean now; to touch your hand; to kiss you; five words; was a pleasant surprise; the need of being out there; the need of feeling afraid; the need of being with someone; the need of being back home; the need of knowing i still have myself; the need of knowing somewhere i still can come back to; the need to feel safe where no one else can make me feel safe; the need to a self creating illusion; the need of telling myself over and over again - everything will finally be alright; just alright. 

Monday, July 3, 2017

There is, after all, a kind of happiness in unhappiness, if it’s the right unhappiness.

first cut is the deepest; that how it started; i thought over the weekend we have nothing to talk about anymore; you finish my question because i was too slow; we talked about you drink too much in a gathering; new friends you make and talk with; the first guy that you really love; i remember that movie; maybe there's people you love; maybe there's people you married; i still have butterfly when i see you now; different type of butterfly; but i am still shy and nervous; still not sharing too much; afraid that i am breaking myself open to wide and hard for me to take it back; i am glad; even after a short weekend; we still have things to talk about; i like you new short hair; it makes you look younger; i did not tell you about my new encounter; i will save it for now until someday.