Monday, November 20, 2017

I don’t have any time to stay up all night worrying about what someone who doesn’t love me has to say about me.




















I’m not someone that is really good with words. I try as much as possible to show you how I feel when we are together and yet sometimes I still feel shy on certain things, like last night when you asked me to touch myself for you and then now when I want to tell you how I truly appreciate this newly developed relationship, be it romance or being good friends. As I said, we do how we do as how it fits best for the both of us. I was so happy we can open share it. Even back when the first time we met. The feeling was already mutually strong. You would’ve hold my hand if I were to touch you way back when in that cafe when we first met. You do not even mind me smoking. You want to make a balcony for me. You want to protect me and care for me. I feel no more the emotion disconnection. You said we work as a team. I lean towards the practical side. I like that of you. Very much. You like my black bikini and my jeans shorts. You appreciate me and often tell me I’m beautiful like no one else. We also just naturally talk about kid. You want one. I feel like the both of us still like kids ourselves but I do not feel hesitate to talk about that in front on you. You give me a safe and comfortable space to be myself, to share, to talk and to open up like I never been before. I want to say thank you. thank you for making me run again. thank you for praising me. one thing you do not know about me is that i just need a lot of validation and my lack of self esteem normally takes ages to diminish. i am just so into you although what we had is not as hot af. 

Sunday, November 19, 2017

I’m confused. Really confused. And it’s a lot deeper than you think. Deeper… darker… colder.




















thank you for making run again; i have very strong desire to be with you; i like how you came over and sit behind me on a chair; i like how you want to remind me about a question that flash by that i have forgot but i wanted to ask; i like how you got panic on a question i have asked you that you have answered soemthing that may or may not have upset me; you remember the question; i pretend i have forgotten; that was how you feel; better than being single; the idea of having a girl field that never sleep over; i am one that constantly do so and you happy that i do; many many small things; in the end i do not mind; you reminded me since a week ago the three points of argument; it did not happen this week; you are glad; i like that you wake and make me coffee; really nice coffee; i have very strong desire to be with you; as you said; we are just click. 

Sunday, November 12, 2017

When someone is going through a storm, your silent presence is more powerful than a million, empty words.














first - you felt uncomfortable; end up you didn't go dancing; i thought it's my fault; you said it was not; we manage to go the next night; i enjoyed myself; seeing you doing things that you like; you will be freer without me being there; i had experience it; i  know how it is; from now on; you will be on your own to go dancing; i am no longer sure anymore if two people being together whether having shared interest is really that important; it becomes grey to me; i used to think it is important; maybe because now i think communication is more important; second - about traveling; you confused me with your intention; you said you no longer wan to travel alone; you read something that changes your mind; suddenly you wanted to go for a trip; you plan to do something for the house; because of this soemthing you read you put it behind; i guess it's important to weigh what you have said and process that information and also include me in the conversation along the way; just to avoid confusion; i will be okay whatever you do; because as you are i respect your space and freedom; which i am expecting you to respect mine; how my best friend reminded me about a video; went a watch it to refresh my memory about how guys and girls brains wired totally differently; if science can explain it; then there must be some truth in it; third - about decision making; i can go on; but I'm glad last night; we hold hands and talked it thorough and find each other very compatible in our own way; i even put it bluntly on what the difference between: being physical unattractive; to sexually incompatible; to how she is not a good fuck; to low desire of having sex with her; and to ask you what is a good fuck; all these bluntness that allow me to be myself around you and looking for words that fit in your mouth; i hope i will never ever get tired of this thing. 

Saturday, November 11, 2017

Words are alive; cut them and they bleed.




















It has been a roller coaster few weeks.

We met again. After so long. Funny though we miss each other even more.

I cry. you ask me not to. I feel sad that you will be going away; as much as i tried to cover it.

Stupid goodbye my lover song came up. Just in time. Although random.

Dinner without satay. Make an excuse for you to come back. more and more and more. 

Sunday, October 29, 2017

There’s always one who loves and one who lets himself be loved.















spent the whole weekend together; meals; looking for shoes; feeling this limitless joy; care; worry; the desire; miss you dearly; an ordinary man; travel abroad; talking to no end; see you after parted for 2 hours; wish this feeling can last forever; we cant do the thing we wish to; happy; safe and sexually satisfied; all i remembered; all that is important; home is a feeling and home is a house; clearly defined difference; do not ever want to be alone again; you looking for my smell on the pillow; hope we are going to kiss goodbye even though we have been together for a long time; so many little things that bond us together; smart remark; stupid questions; many many things that we do not mind about, yet; i remain skeptical, somehow, someway. 

Thursday, October 26, 2017

Make sure that the love is worth the price of a broken heart.




















you like that i can stay inside of you for a long time and we continue to talk;
you like that i do my own stuff and you do your own stuff when we are being together;
you always thank me after we pick the selection you offer; be it choice of restaurants or choice of activities;
we laugh about a lot of things;
in the end i wonder if you are dating me for practical reason.

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

Having a soft heart in a cruel world is courage, not weakness.




















what a pampering day; done my nails; my relaxing massage; small shopping; light lunch; went back home; wait for you; waited for you at the station; car park by the side; conversation about buying property; living together; getting married have never felt so comfortable before; we had Japanese food and dessert; then decide to have drinks in a place that you have not been before; so far i checked two places that i brought you and that you like; you have checked out a long list and you need to add on more to your list so that we have places to go together; we talk about traveling to places; traveling to the world; i asked you to tell me soemthing that i do not know about you personally; still indirectly avoiding the question; i do not know if its because i  like you so much now i cant see your flaws and what i do not like about you; i do not want to say i love you yet; i want to bring you to see them but i need to be sure; we watched 20 minutes of Godfather; we kissed and went to go to bed;
i like the feeling being with you is so real that i do not need to pretend i am someone else; i only hope this time it will last a lifetime.

Happy Birthday to me. im super thrilled that i have reached this point before i hit 40.

Wednesday, October 4, 2017

The soul that sees beauty may sometimes walk alone.














i often forgetful; sometimes you use work and telling me things i do not get or i have to process or i have to analyse; you said you do not mind me forget; is that forever; you say you happy you found me; we spent in the most simplest manner; bought mooncake on mooncake festival; passed yo shampoo; drinking tea; enjoy our time together; you mentioned about a young new friend; even she knows about me; you mention about revenge and forgiveness; but is revenge a form of forgiveness; i am glad you are open to talk when we are together; i asked you why you do not approach me; you made me feel rejected; even though i saw you are high; you just simple say; because tomorrow we need to wake early; as simple as that; difference between boyfriend and partner; you do not want to be an old boyfriend because you are already forty; it is funny you think that way; fair indian i called you; reading ikea catalog; about slapping and bitch slapping; you are not shy in front of me; i am totally natural and comfortable with each other; we talked about trips again; you mentioned how you like your job now very much; although you still wish you found a permanent job; we wonder who will say it first; in the end.

Saturday, September 30, 2017

I love you, that means I’m not just here for the pretty parts. I’m here no matter what.














The last thing you said at 3am in the morning after you met with your friend; i saw you online then offline; then i said hi; "i am incredibly happy to you are in my life"; back to the beginning; random notes; bit of pieces of our weekend; this weekend we are supposed to spend time together; this is the first time you drop by at a station near my office; i drop work 30 minutes earlier; walked to the station to greet you; also because i have never been to the station myself; it would be my first time and a good excuse; double check on the train; made sure you are not out yet; saw you from far; your black pants and grey shirt; you were saying you probably should not wear a white shirt underneath other colour; i said it is fine; you are too self-conscious sometimes; we walked to get my car and drove out from here; sick of all the restaurant choices in the mall; we arrived at a cosy little Thai place; pork and rice; i will remember that; we had dinner; chit chat; talking about your weekend wear; how you are very particular on certain things; talk about car; work; your one upcoming interview is very important but the various job applications are not; you do not see the value of sharing it; reason why; because you see that as mundane and petty; as your dad normally shared; you wonder why do people share such a thing; i told you because people wan to know and from there little things they will; i should tell you to care more; get back to my house; listen to music; chit chat; watch a cartoon show; small part about therapy that i totally agreed; presence is important to you; you are trying to sell your house; what is your dream car; went to a teak shop for furniture; showroom for some information related to your work location; early morning toast date; talking about risk; i kept monitoring you are a safe guy; you beg to differ; that just one example the risk you have took; afterwards we went back home; relax a little bit more; you will set your mind to it once you have a plan; i lure you into doing soemthing else; you agreed; we had this beautiful moment where we spend together; you like the intimacy; watching you sleep and snore; you are a light sleeper; i was hungry after; you picked a nice place for lunch; you glad that i went with your preference and like it so far; i can see you are happy and proud; i treated you coffee; two americano; sat there; reading; chit chat; lighthearted afternoon; after some checking out all the places we are supposed to go; i send you back to your home; watching dance track and video; the one thing that sets us apart; i am not so worry; there is just so many things that we want to do; at least we have planned for mid week meeting; i am happy; very very happy.

Friday, September 29, 2017

I was quiet, but I was not blind.




















i realise i am jumping ahead in your life by just unpacking your bag of clothes; i have to stop; you and i both start slow; we are still two separate individual; we have differences; you say it's ok; because you know i did it with a good feeling; that is not the point; the point is you need to let me know that it is not ok and we deal with it; with me let's leave nothing sweep under the rug; i give a fuck about you; i want to be your problem; i want to deal with it together with you; do not say it is ok; you do not care; or whatever anymore; usually when people say that kind of thing they also kind of care about it the most; i am happy we can share; sex was amazing; short answer; you texted me 4am in the morning; you said it is because of Friday; i told you it is otherwise; i want to be blunt as i am; without hiding my feelings; not anymore; i used to write; i run the other way when i find happiness is approaching; because it seems impossible for me to be happy; because people simply disappoint me; i will find all sort of excuses/ reasons/ justifications; in the end just to tell myself; i told you so; because if it's too good to be true; it probably is; it has been 2 weeks and up until now; i remain a realist and pessimist; until life proves me wrong; otherwise; then we shall see.

Thursday, September 28, 2017

One day, you heart will stop beating, and none of your fears will matter. What will matter is how you lived.




















2792017; 2020; I thought we are not seeing each other; because you said you will be working late; i sent you voice note saying that i miss you last night; that i wish we can spend longer time together; the daily morning and evening text are just unfulfilling; unsatisfying; today; you have changed your mind; said that we can meet; if i am free; there is still certain thing you are not saying; in your head you are thinking; even the way you answer question; you would be saying something that may or may not lead you to answer directly; in the end it makes me think; but it does not answer the question; finally we manage; you told a close friend about me; she asked you not to rush into it; u mentioned juvenile about her comment; I suggested to send you home and sleep over; you didn't read the main point; we manage to correct that; because you said it's far and it left me wondering; you said I offer to send you home; kindness touched you; kindness is a big thing for you; we had dinner; bought some beers; talk in your home; about kids; about my friends; my sister; your sister; family; you said i used to say are you always this funny when i mention you are not naturally funny (with kids); i added; manage to get off the hook; you like kid when they aged 9 - 10; but you can't have a baby that way; you messed with my hair and say no matter how you mess with it i still look good; you said i smell good; i said you smell better because you had a shower; you keep on compliment my eyes that i have sparkle in them; you asked me if i will ever get bored of the same compliment; i say not yet; eventually perhaps; you remember things that i say; maybe because i like you and i do not mind so much for now; we continue on to have another beer; talk about stuff; sharing; you are so glad i am here tonight; you hold me from behind; such warm and cozy feeling growing; i asked you about happiness; person and material both combined makes you happy; also about regrets; you said you have many; concept of family that you can't gauge; you like my grey dress; it was nothing fancy; you want to help me undress then you say wow; if you have a zip on your dress; I will unzip it now; you revealing your sexy side ever so subtly; i am happy we are able to talk about sex even when we just newly know each other; rough sex doesn't turn you on; you are not a rough guy; extramarital affair when you were young; we both had; somewhat something in common; I like the way you are particular and being gentle with me; you are an over thinker; you are square; you work well with German; I told you; finally we nail something together; i am waiting for the eventually; because in the end; we may or may not be together.






















He notice me
He notice what I wear
He notice my new bag
He notice me
He notice

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

The fact that I’m silent doesn’t mean I have nothing to say.




















received your voice massages early in the morning; was a nice surprise; 4 person circling around me; you stood out; i feel you feel more; i reply about how i feel too; getting attach with you; such intensity; i joke about coffee; then realise i  have the time; decided to drop by; timing was so right; saw your boss, colleagues walked out; gave you a quick call and cover up; you showed me around your small office; you said this is by far the best surprise; since a year ago; you want to top that; i told you the forest was your best; we had a coffee; chatted lightheartedly; you said i pop up first thing in the morning and I'm the last person you think about when you end your day; we parted and we know we are going to see each other soon; we are already part of each other's life; whether we like it or not; as i say it; i give a fuck about you; big time; very very big time. 

Some people will never fit into your life, no matter how much you want them to.




















Monday night; 250917; 1900; you asked is he a french guy? i told you about him; we saw each other after so long; the intense feeling is still there; you told me everything is fine; i saw a big smile on your face; underneath that smile i see bravery and the courage of holding in the pain; you will be fine; i have no doubt; i bought us some small sandwiches; you want to stay friend with me forever; you say you dont need me; you just want me to be there; in your life; which i already am; in a small way; you finished the book; you like it; you said you wish you can spend one night here with me; just one more night; the feeling lingers; it keep on lingering.

Tuesday, September 26, 2017

If you always do what interests you, at least one person is pleased.




















i like that i can smoke with you; and that you like the taste of cigarette in my mouth when we kiss; also the taste of beer; you ask if you are weird; you are not; because i am weird too.


The biggest lesson I’ve learned is, It’s okay. It’s okay for me to be kind to myself. It’s okay to be wrong. It’s okay to get mad. It’s okay to be flawed. It’s okay to be happy. It’s okay to move on.
-- Hayley Williams

Sunday, September 24, 2017

Everyone you idolize wakes up scared to be themselves sometimes.




















i bought you nuts and wine; I'm bad at gift; i do not really know what you like; i rather get you soemthing you will use; there is still a lot of things i do not know about you; I'm at your home; on time; you greet me; we talk; listen to music; you gave me a tour of the house; the house is very muji; very you; we talked about tattoo; you said you want to get one too; you changed your mind; now you are reconsidering it again; because i am here; i said you do not have to change your plan because of me; i feel such a sweet feeling; that someone is here for me; caring for me; want to do things for me; which i thought i have lost this feeling for the longest time; i remained skeptical; not letting anything jump into my head too quiet; i am just too level headed; sensible; pragmatic; practical and pessimistic altogether; i asked you what you would do differently if you can have a new relationship all over again; you said more sharing and open communication; i agreed; we have some values that we shared like punctuality; certainty; clarity and i hope we will have much more match; i appreciate that you showed me the 17 items that are important to you; based on ranking and achievement; you said you want to move up "love one" under family two; the difference is family is the one you are already in; family 2 is someone you are going to get; you told me about deleted the app; asking me hypothetical question how do we spend time together as married couple; we smoke; we say sorry a lot; we want to make each other comfortable; we cook pasta; have soup together; the kitchen needed some feminine touch; we talk about you visit my hometown; if we ever be together; the things we would do; photos; your friends; you told a friend about me and i told a friend about you; i do not want to jump the gun; i am not even feeling anxious; nervous and afraid; i am just going along with a good flow; your life has been somewhat stabilize after you met me; you still nervous about getting a permanent job; that will come eventually; you kept saying thank you that i am here; that i am with you; that you feel so good around me; the way you talk calms me and i tend to talk slower as well; i like how you want to hold my hand when i sit across the table; how you remove the small pot of plant; how you hold me and lean onto me when you sat on my left side; how you hold my hands when we are watching videos; how we made fun of each other; about the music we dislike; you into dancing i don't; i wonder can this last long; even when we are old and wrinkly; i made fun of you saying that you should list it down n your profile - girl that can sleeps in a room with no fan; and many minor things that we sort of talk about; we made some silly and fun jokes; i even like how we were awake and make small talk in the middle of the night; i asked about your burping and when you say you want to spend time with me is it because of your loneliness; in your room; under the air cond; you move the bed for me; i asked you if you always this attentive; you say you think so; i wish you will stay like this to me and with me; always; and i mean always :)

Saturday, September 23, 2017

I have so much I want to tell you, and nowhere to begin.














third date; finally; after 6 days; we meet again; for the first time in my life; from the way back to KL; from hometown; someone is waiting for me at the station; you; technical error; train got stuck; delayed; i uber myself to the main train station; you were surprise; impressed by how resourceful i am; i am in a predicament; where i have been independent for so long; if i start to let you in; i would have to adjust myself to take care of you and allow you to take care of me; for that one person in each other's life; you told me about a person which can bring you news about job opportunity i said you should go for it; you are always polite and thanking me about stuff; we ended up at my home after 2 hours of struggling; we spent time at my home; cuddling; chit chatting; asking about our definition and expectation of our relationship; want it to be up a level; to me; that means exclusivity; you are a man that feels a man should have their own set of duty; for example; to drive during traveling; you feel it is like work; hence you wont want to drive but ask to fly instead; we already talking about traveling plan; Spain; South America; i am taking it slow; we can start somewhere local; it could be a break it or make it trip; we talk about how we have developed feeling with each other; how naturally we just hold hand and get physical during the second date; i make you feel safe and comfortable enough to share; i do not want you to do this simply because you are lonely; then your date with your friend did not happen; we get to spend longer time together; we went for a dinner; three beers; pork; veggie and rice; you enjoyed the meal and said we should do it again; i have ditched my friend for another activity; because i want to stay here with you; we slept together; it was cute; gentle; sweet; sensual; tender; the way you hold me like you do not want to break me; you do not make much noise; nothing wild and crazy and yet we can talk about it; you enjoy it; the way you make me feel because we are into each other; the way you like when you are inside of me; the way you kept on telling me my eyes sparkles and how i look amazingly beautiful; how you like me when i say fuck; how you capture all these idiosyncrasies; we slept well under the air-cond; things we willing to do for the other person; we had a simple breakfast together; then we parted; then we arrange to meet again later on the day for dinner; we say goodbye but we already can not wait to see each other again; i miss you already; this time around; i am saying it to someone; compatible with my age; my status; my life - for real. 

Thursday, September 21, 2017

It’s the ones you love the most who can lift you in an instant, and destroy you without trying.




















i can't believe i am saying things like; i miss you already; this is actually happening; i like the way; you tell me so many times that i have sparkles in my eyes; that i look beautiful and sexy; that you like it when you being inside of me; that you like it when you do that thing to me; you are not very expressive; always answer question in a subtle neutral third party manner until i dig deeper; our relationship has progress fast and well; i like the way you hold me and put your head on my shoulder; i like how you lay on top of me but afraid to put your weight on top of me; i like how you say you want to take care of me and protect me; we have already talked about hypothetical questions; if we are together; if you are my boyfriend; if we are married; lightheartedly; you are such a sweet guy; care for me a lot; I'm afraid of falling too fast and get hurt too deep.

I need to back down. Take a deep breathe and think again; again; again and again.

Monday, September 18, 2017

I try more and more to be myself, caring relatively little whether people approve or disapprove.




















i really want to see you; i hate to see you suffer; with your pain and getting ill; i cannot do anything; we had coffee and hot chocolate; sitting facing each other cross legged; everything turn into something sexy with you with a slight gentle twist; i like this wonderful feeling; this little time and moment that we shared; however much short it is; it was such a wow Friday; we will not forget; it left memories and traces everywhere; i really want to see you; even just to have a coffee; i suggested it; in the end you accommodated my request; you were telling me about her; your friend; your boss; some challenges; family; long weekend; the time that we do not get to spend together wishing that we were; you already asking if i will visit; i cannot tell you for now; it is not a no; it is also not a yes; just as you; i do not want to promise something i can't deliver; i know i surely will if i can and by then i will tell you about it; that i promise; without saying it out loud; we walk into a building; you said you want to check on something and we steal a kiss; nearby the staircase; just like two teenagers hiding something form our parents; sweet; loving; yet exciting. 

Sunday, September 17, 2017

When you love someone, they become your reason.




















second date; much much much shorter; you were feeling unwell; physically we gotten closer; i like how you are protective of me; making me feel safe; you asked me if i want to join board game night and meet your friends; i feel shy and honored; you worry is too fast; i am just being cool about the whole thing; a Korean style Chinese restaurant; we touch; kiss; display a little of PDA; we did not over do it; it's fine; lingering on to stay longer; we are two sensible little creature; i also can feel you being uneasy and want to head home; we parted and already looking forward to meet next; six days is a long time; i like your height; your practicality; your analytical thinking; at least for now; from 8 hours meet down to one and a half hour short dinner; we know we want to go on further; at least for now; since we do not feel it is too much or too fast.

Saturday, September 16, 2017

You know it’s love when all you want is that person to be happy, even if you’re not part of their happiness.














Saturday evening; i pour everything out to him; little did i know is started to share more than i normally would due to my secretive being; my date this morning, about my upcoming trip to visit you; up until you said i deserve something good and how this relationship progressively develop into something i really treasure. P, for all the things i thought would happen between us; this is absolutely the last thing on my mind; to turn you into my relationship/ life go to guy; it sure feels good when we can have someone that we can share absolutely eveyrthing with; with that thought in mind; let us have the same relationship with whoever we are going to see next; in your case; you too deserve someone great in your life. 

I have so much of you in my heart.




















it started at 8.30; a breakfast date; first surprise; you are on time; second surprise; you brought me a chocolate; you said you were travelling; but still you do not have to; i brought you nothing; proceed with breakfast; chatted away ranging from family; work; my course; past relationships; religious; interest; traveling; Sydney; food; concert; a little bit of football; even Beckham; you already ask if i want to go to Russia for World Cup game; i find that direct approach refreshing; the conversations carry on; we have good impression with each other; i lost count how many times we high five; certain values are on par; you are practical; punctual; i like that; in the first few hours i already few i share too much; even my private family stuff which i do not normally share in the first date; i guess i am feeling conformable enough and be ready to open myself up with you; we already kind of mention a lot of things we can do together; perhaps; too soon; the coffee was bad but the toast was nice; you and your family also having struggle; a lot of things seem matching; then we decided to change to another place to talk further; you drove me there; we talked more over tea and lunch; it was a nice place; 7 Sept - 25 Oct; ESTJ - ISFJ; two years gap; horse - dragon; Virgo - Scorpio; love language test; you do not seem to into so much about star sign or zodiac but big on personality; perhaps from your past experience it could help with future one; still i wonder; the test result it depends on how you are or the situation you are in right now there and then; it tends to change and people bound to change; that is the beauty of it; can not believe you are a dance guy; that is the only difference i spotted about us; this one thing;  wait; no; there's another; we do not have the same taste in music; that i notice; we talked about your house; property ownership; on the things we have been through; the different result; i just want out; your ex did not and you gave her what she asked for; for i know even if i ask for it i will not get; i was out quietly after all these years; the struggle was real and we sort of understand it; you can easily be manipulated by someone you love; hard for you to trust; i guess i am being cautious too; everyone would; a lot of things i would put it upfront now; because after lunch, i was thinking whether we should continue and i ask him bluntly if he wants to keep hanging out; because i do not know his schedule and what is his plan; and he replied that he would be happy to continue and change to another place; finally we decided that we want to spend a bit mire time together; we change to a little cafe that serves really good croissant; we kept the bar place that we have been seated; we dont mind it so much; although now that finally i realise the reason why we stick to that we possibly because that was the opportunity we can get physical together with some light touches; none of us did; we were shy and polite i guess; we showed each other social media postings; he wants to befriend so that i can see his update; i would normally decline but i accepted him this time with a good reason; i showed him family and friend photos; there was even this "if there's a smoke i will go for it now" moment; which i find rather cute; time flies when you having a good time; we realise it's time to part and we gladly did; before i walk out from the car; we stopped for a brief moment to say our proper goodbye; quite naturally we lean to kiss each other; it was quite a sweet and short kiss; we both smiles shyly and know that we have to do that again; which we did more properly and we were holding hands; i feel this joy genuinely i have inside; we have already plan as next week is a short week; and we have a mutual feeling that we want to see each other again; hence we lock down another dinner date for tonight; i can not tell you what is going to happening now; i just feel glad that we make another date already; without waiting for it too long. 

Friday, September 15, 2017

I’ve had enough hurt already in my life. More than enough. Now I want to be happy




















Friday night; i was at a company event; he texted me said to meet up; i ask if he can wait; of course he can and he would; to have a drink with another friend of his; i gladly reply a yes; i want to see him; do not feel any bad conscious; we had a few beers; some food; a bloody good time listening to various sort of music; got introduce to some good one; finally agreed on one; the heavy; he feels a little bit jealous because he cant talk about music with the two of us; i feel free; truly enjoying the night; joke of the night; on stage was singing a song by Sting - Heavy Cloud No Rain; i literally take it as a statement; we laugh about it for a while; his friend was odd about joke; answering a question with a question; it was still fun; we ended the night passionately as expected; i do not even know after tomorrow; i just want to spend every single moment that i possibly could with him; until the time comes; whenever it is 

Even if you know what’s coming, you’re never prepared for how it feels.




















you said we can do lunch; or have a coffee; i will be waiting; sometimes it is not enough to just say i miss you.

Thursday, September 14, 2017

People will love you. People will hate you. And none of it will have anything to do with you.



















you came and see me despite your back pain; canceling of dinner; "a bad day should be like this"; i remember a friend said; similarly as you told me once; the best part of my day only starts now.

i
miss
you
much
already.

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Even if others abandon you, you must never abandon yourself.




















We are all selfish.
One kept on saying he is not forcing me to anything. He gives me no promises.
One seems to forget that a relationship that has been going on for 10 years is not something as simple as to came out and accept that the dynamic has been change of the consequences of things that had happened. One fact remains to me, if you are not a good person, you have no right and are not entitle to ask me what to do. You gotten the point wrong where you say you did that when we were apart when I was seeing someone else, but what bother me the most is you have her and have me in your life, that was apparently not enough and we just have to get past that and swallow whatever wrongdoings of yours. This will take years to fix. For now. I've took a bold step to want to talk to you. This doesn't mean I do not mind but the word regrets would kill me more if I did not unstuck and move on. From this moment on I also realise being physical with you and get back to what we once had is out of the question. Forever and ever.

Monday, September 11, 2017

I can bear any pain as long as it has meaning.




















i find you are a man that needs love; you crave for it; as i crave for you; this is the very first time i tell you i love you; as we have shared more of our feelings; the excitement; the surprises; the meet outside of work; whatever crazy ideas we have in our head; being with you is definitely crazy enough for me; for now. 

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

What does it matter how many lovers you have if none of them gives you the universe?




















you found the time to see me; 730pm at my place; traffic was horrible; you made it a wee bit late; no food for this time; no drink; i do not know what to expect; i do not know what time you need to leave; you miss the bed; the dog; everything; all the moments we have had together; we did not alk much about it; nevertheless; we still had wild sex on the table; kitchen; the guest room; everywhere of my place; you want to leave traces everywhere; so i will not forget you when you are gone; you are so selfish and yet i am still so into you; you being funny; crazy and wild; i like you for that; we will change from now on the way we seeing each other; lesser time; we did not talk shit; because we did not ask question; we have no time to even think of it; to have small talk; conversation; to save the world; we just get physically as soon as we see each other; like two wild things that got totally lost; that why i say do not say things that you will not do; even you did not put the word promise in it; i will still have hope in it.

Tuesday, September 5, 2017

I miss you deeply, unfathomably, senselessly, terribly.




















i texted you almost the same time you wanted to text me and the sequence matters; it tells you that i still look for you; after a long time; after so many times of rain checks; we had a great dinner; you cook for me; a few beers; ice cream; you show me your new place; talk about music, movie here and there; i know this lukewarm thing can't go on; you came and hug me from behind; took my hand; came to bed; you need me; you miss me; you long for me; physically; i know it is time; to talk about it; to let my anger out what i have suppressing; this past that caused me pain; the reason why i distance myself and withdrew; you said you already know long ago; you did not need to ask; you assuming that you are right and i did not want to share; defend mechanism kicks in; i feel deep cuts, pain; hurt endless; this is an un-fillable void; this emptiness; you miss the passion; our passion; sadly there's no way to go back there; not now; maybe we could; but it will be never the same; we are still too secretive; not opening enough; i do not want you to think i am easy and you can just back into my life after all this damage you have done to me; you said you just want to make me cum; to feel me again; to remind me how we were physically once; that is the whole point; you do not need to remind me about it; i remember every single thing; the way you touch me; the way you caress me; you miss me being here; beside you; make you coffee in the morning; i do too; and that you can tell me over the phone call that day i really meant it when i said "i miss you"; that is why it hurts me more deeply because i remember; it would be easier if we just fuck each other and leave it at that; we did not; there's no turning back; cant undone; we could have been happy together; it could have been me; but you just have to screw it up; screw things up and screw us up; you should still be happy now; at least we still talking to each other; instead of letting fade away and ask ourselves after 10 years; what if i spoke with him; i am glad; i do not want that regret and there will not be; in my life; now.

Monday, September 4, 2017

I do not exist to impress the world. I exist to live my life in a way that will make me happy.




















You have been missing me the whole day, she will be coming back this week, I will go and meet him, we have to meet anyway, it may not be the last time, but with she around, you can no longer see me as freely as we would like to, we will back to small coffee, short drinking session, dinner, what not, at my little home, you got stuck in jam, family is still your priority , I do not want to take anything away, I do not have the right to, i miss you already we back to where we started, you said we should talk, I am not asking you to promise me a future that we will not have, I just want to know if you are sure you want to continue to see me, if it is so, how do we do, all this I can't be in the dark, we were talking about compromises, how two people can be together even when they are the totally opposite, your life goes well with her, it has been so many year, I am addicted to your softness, we went for Japanese, you happy your wine are here, I'm keeping your champagne, waiting for the time, then we went for a beer, place was too noisy, we had one drink and just want to go, every time we meet it goes up a click or notch, you farted accidentally in front of me, I thought that was cute and I thought we could have had a good life together, if only we are together.

I already miss you before we even parted and I missed the chance to give you a long hug and kiss because we were sitting in my car, park outside your house, in your busy neighbourhood.

I do not need you to promise me when, you just need to promise that we will see us, no matter what. That's all. That's all.

Friday, September 1, 2017

I’m not very good at putting my feelings into words. That’s why people misunderstand me.




















a short trip; i threw tantrum; i want you all to me and it is very hard thing to swallow; it has been two years; the thing i never wanted to show but i starting to; getting demanding; want to be all important during that short period of time; these are the things you can never give me and i want to just end it; end this agony; misery; i could not; i am weak; so weak and after reading your long message; knowing that you want to keep me for the rest of your life; i turn around; i cry but i also agreed to your proposal; i am forever trapped by the very notion of - you also actually love me too.

Monday, August 28, 2017

You intoxicated me. It was just as though you were making me love you by some invisible force.













It shows that you care; by the way you rush over when you realise dinner wasn't delivered on time; we were supposed to have sushi and we made fun of it the whole night; we had pizza instead; you even have beers already packed; you were anticipating a beautiful night; so i don't have to worry about food; i do my revision; see you; spend a good evening together and so on; this is like every time you have the brightest idea to do something and it will go wrong; I just want you to be here; i do not really care what we eat; we had this crazy moment; on the table; again; in the bathroom; look at me; just look at me; you kept saying that; you made me feel very very safe; I don't know if I really make you better; I hope I do; i helped you with your ticket; we talked about our days; the more you use good and positive things about it; the more I feel funny about it; i watched you sign in cursive; i want to see it more; the way you want to and trying very hard to twist your thinking; you said being with me is the best part of your day; the way I touch you is really really special, something you don't feel with anyone else, I hope you are addicted to me, I hope you do not go, I hope you stay with me, in this tiny little space just between you and I, forever. I do love you, I can't change that; even if i want to try as hard as i want to.

Sunday, August 27, 2017

We never talked for very long at a time. It was simply the pleasure of discovering what we each felt.














i really like the way how our conversation is going; both missing each other in a small way; i thank you for always caring for me; open up; giving me this safe little space to be with you; in this tiny box of ours; however long it may be; every moment that i manage to be with you is a bonus in my life; i am no where near perfect; just merely being who i am; i truly enjoy the time being with you; even though it comes with sadness; and you told me i am part of your life; no matter what, you will keep a space in your nothing box for me; i change your life; it maybe just a little; we did not change the world for sure; but who cares; we are having a good time; just you and me; that is what matters; i know i do not tell you my feelings a lot; but it does not mean my feeling is any less; when you come to think of it; you do not need to change the world; you just need to change mine; bit i like the idea to try with you; that one line embedded in my head and heart; ever since. 

Saturday, August 26, 2017

I guess that’s just part of loving people: You have to give things up. Sometimes you even have to give them up.














on Friday you called; you are not going to spend the night with me; i was tempted with someone else; but my heart was with you; you were with your neighbors and friends; you have a life too; you say we going to see us on Saturday; i saw your right after my car service session; we had a long time together; i brought you to street food your first ever; then coffee; none of the coffee i brought you to was good so far; you don't mind; we hang out a bit more; listened to song list from your phone; giggling away; pretending to be like two teenagers who are in love; then realise i park too long and may get a ticket; we drove home; had a nap; listen to your snore; got up; had a coffee and watch a lousy movie; then decided to have dinner; you let me order; all the food you like it because there is nothing to benchmark with; it left special memory for the both of us; two big beers; nice meals; talking anything, nothing and everything; you are a good person; sometimes rude; defending your own principle in your own hard way; there was no dog; we slept thru the night; the night morning i was hesitated if i should ask you to meet next week; i was already crying; wrong playlist was on; i feel emotional; i feel sad; everything comes up at once; you hold me and say; will see me no matter what; you cant promise; but surely definitely we will see us; even though you don't know when; even though you will move down south; you do not want to talk about the future now; because you do not know; but you for sure will ask; when the days comes; eventually; we touched on family too; you made me cry; thinking about my own; you said i look strong, but i am not; a short person with a big heart; just as you are a tall person with your big heart; we are somewhat similar in a way; i never say this; i know i do not express myself a lot; that does not mean i do not love you or feel a lot less; on the contrary; i feel too much with you and it makes me afraid; the thought of losing you; scares me; and the worst thing is - this is not the first time. 

Wednesday, August 23, 2017

It’s been very rare to have known you, very strange and wonderful.














you finished your exam;
we wanted to meet;
on Wednesday night;
i bought some food;
ready to cook for you;
you are in your t-shirt and shorts casually;
i like that you don't shave and look so macho;
i never fall so fast in my life with a person;
i cook you simple prawn pasta and drinking riesling;
you guessed the wine right;
i was touching you all over with such nice music playing;
i do not ever want to forget any night that i have ever spent with you.

Tuesday, August 22, 2017

I, too, remember that feeling. You are caught between all that was and all that must be. You feel lost.




















we do not want to save the world; we just want to know someone will be there; appreciate us; love us; care for us; we talked about how intense our encounter was; going up one click at a time; you said you hate when people just simply say to meet; never set a date when; you say if you want to meet; you will just arrange it and it's done; you are doing the same to me; you said we should go there; do this; have that; this restaurant; that bar and more; you are not making promises surely; just that you gave me many false impressions that we can have a lot of time together which we don't; you are just doing the same thing as everyone else.

Monday, August 21, 2017

I need to learn how to stop destroying myself, stop being hard on myself, and be nice to myself.




















Friday night; i picked you up; you came to me and ask if it is ok to ask him to come along; surely; then you guys waled out together and got in my car; obviously he was all dressed up; i relief i did not say no; would be impolite then; French restaurant; ordering food; trying out; funny dessert; chit chatting; you praise on my English command; i went to the wash room; you followed; you hold me from behind; giving me compliment and you touch me gently; realising that i was really sexy and that you were such an idiot; we had numerous sessions; i stayed for a short while; the feeling is just too strong to say no to; too strong. 

Sunday, August 20, 2017

You never get over it. But you get to where it doesn’t bother you so much.




















we can't wait to see each other again; i texted yo after my visit; i did not even bother to take a rest; i just want to see you; the feeling to be able to see you again excites me; we went to a place called Mantra; had a few drinks; talking about nonsense; having you around me; this short-lived feeling; why can't i just enjoy this; this is too great; dog still barking to no end; sounds more consciously than ever the dog is there; you woke me at 3am; you said you just want to take a sip of the water and come back to bed; i didn't care; i know you couldn't sleep; i felt bad; i want to make a bed in the living room; so we can sleep together; let's go to the bed and wake up slowly; you helped me make the bed; you are part of my unforgettable moments too; in the end it's all in the small thing; small little thing; we had breakfast in a small cafe; we talk about being social; how to help; how to live; a lot of things; i know i should not justify being with you; it is no longer a matter of good or bad; right or wrong; it is a feeling; that is just right; that is all. 

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

You cannot fathom the distance I would travel for you.




















you walked into my car; calmed down the excitement; Monday is just too long; but the feeling when we met; as you said; will be stronger; it was; you were in your short and t-shirt; casually; we can't kissed in front of your place; i understand; we got emotional last night; we had long time together; from 7 until 1; i finally asked you about her; i know at some point; this needs to come out; i was reluctant; to share with you; about things; you like me being shy; we had Chinese noodle; we still enjoy each other's company very very much; i told you about my exam time and the dinner time that i wanted to head out early so that i am able to be with you more; even today; i want to go and pick you up; even 5 more minutes with you to be is precious; this is another hole i dig myself and fall into; i am making this decision; to go on; like this; at least for a while; for the sheer joy of it; even just for coffee and another coffee; and another. 

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Forbidden things have a secret charm.














you asked me if i mind;
i don't;
as long as i get to spend time with you;
i went up your place;
i wanted to have a quick shower;
we did;
you touched, kissed me;
drove me mad;
for about 2 seconds;
we went out;
the three of us;
ordering;
couple set of beers;
dinner;
fries;
talking about work a little;
some life;
and a lot of music;
know someone odd;
however odd they may be;
they still have certain kind of charm;
we were touching each other under the table;
our legs;
our hands;
our fingers;
he is not stupid;
he will figure it out;
but we do not care;
you said you love it;
because this made you feel like a teenager again;
again.

Monday, August 14, 2017

Isolation is a way to know ourselves.
















all four of them said i am special and that i mean a lot to them;
i do not know how to cope with that kind of information.

Sunday, August 13, 2017

Sometimes the craziest things happen at the worst times for the best reasons.















i left the wedding dinner earlier because of you;
of course it was because of you;
so you can see me and my little black dress;
i was happy that i left early;
music, chit chat, long night, a lot of toss and turning, another guest room, dining table, your back, movie that left about 20 min, some songs you like, that we insisted to see each other; chocolate; coffee; breakfast noddle for lunch; be good and nice and kind to people; you used to be worse; me too; time management; your problem; my problem; all in no particular order;
you cried a little;
when you mentioned about a song;
and that you miss your son;
we do not have this shared memory together;
we never will;
i hold you;
i can only hold you;
i was telling you;
you are very sentimental;
i look at your new tattoo and i know;
you are a good man;
you are.

Friday, August 11, 2017

Listen to many, trust few.




















Because I have seen you cry. We were talking about songs. there's time when you drive - listening to a song and just cry for about 5 minutes; then you will be ok and to move on again; And you being emotional. And you miss him. And I don't want to find out why. I couldn't. Not now.

Thursday, August 10, 2017

I know. I’m very hard to talk to. I realize that.




















i still like you very much; what should i do?

you left office much earlier at 5; i couldn't believe it; things that people make you do when you are into them; you brought me towel and champagne; you said he must be wondering; you do not care what he thinks; you just want to spend time with me; enjoy the moment; we did; we had; in the brief night that we are able to have; i brought you to chinese again; telling you stuff; calling the night sandwich; bother by the dog a little; life is beautiful and short; always easier said than done; i like you and want to explore every single part of you; your eyes; your nose; your ears; your hair; your hands; your arms; your thigh; your feet, especially your feet; all the things you do (with me) remains a memory only (with me); i was playing your favourite song accidentally; i never do anything for anyone; should i begin to? for you?


i still like you very much; what should i do?


what should i do?

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

You told me my hands were soft because you had no idea what they’d touched.














we talked about a year off; i am willing; right at this moment; to be with you; to go on a year off; some where; we talked about you being more romantic than me; we talked about her; the pushing; the pressure; the way she wants to do something with you that should have becomes something natural simply because she just wants you to care for her to be close with her; even after 25 years; it is still there; i can not say for sure we will get along; it has been almost 15 years; along the way, all these while; i have put caring for other behind; i have been taken care of myself; i can spend time alone; for a long time; look for things to do; people watching; doing nothing; maybe read more; maybe write more; caring for other does not come automatically for me; i need to re-learn it; i will be still anxious; stubborn; i put everything under the context of making something bigger in comparison; the 5 minutes become a year; i would still stretch it and maximize it with you; because assuming out of your 80 years of living; if i can get one full year with you; that means that could still be a 5 minute for me full on with you that i wish not miss; would i be attach to you after; or split; at this moment; that is not what i am concern about; it is more on the process; how we can get along; how i want to get along with you; with each other; you say we are similar; perspective wise; this is just what we saying; we can't know for sure; we tend not to romanticize things too much; you were telling me about books you read that touched you; i mentioned a movie; numerous scenes that i imagine me and you that get me emotional; i do not know where do we go from here; one thing i know for sure; we are still going; keep on going and going and going.........

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

You intoxicated me. It was just as though you were making me love you by some invisible force.




















the simplest thing you said, touch me to no end:

i hurt you i know and this is the last thing i want to do;
things are out of control when i am with you....and i like this;
like to be with you;
like you so much;
like all;
i do not know how to explain you my feeling but the last things i want is to lose you;
is it love? maybe...i think...i do not know...do i have the right to love you? maybe not...
i hope i did not destroy everything; anything.


the truth is.............



you already have; had; did and will do it over and over again.

Monday, August 7, 2017

Be a little kinder than you have to.




















it was a shit day; you dropped your bag and came to me directly; your body, your face, your hair, your neck are all sticky; you can come here and shower with me; you complain about the traffic; you still made it; before 8; we did not wait; we were all over each other; you said you had a shit day; seeing me becomes the best part of the day; you said you always will know when you get up whether a day is going to be shit or no shit day; you are normally right; we talked randomly about work; a little about us; more about how we feel of each other; how we miss one another; how you think i am important; how you like that i remember small thing that means a lot to you; like the book i gave you; how i like the smell of your perfume even after a long day; how you can feel me all over; how this is not the type of good thing that you experienced; this is something different; something more intimate; more intense; more explosive; how i say we should not say perfect or awesome anymore; i feel the moment when we hit the point it is hard to describe and we felt us both at that very point each time where we can push even further until it really hurts; we went out for dinner after realise all the other options take too long; simple dinner; we joke around; more than ever; lightheartedly; you do not want to let me go; you do not think you have the right to; i do not own you; you said i am a good person although i do not feel so; too many things in my mind; we were talking about plan; you did not want to lie to me; and yet you do not have to share it all; you did because i insisted; i should have noticed when you just mumbling the words; i am too stupid to realise; too slow to notice; when you are into someone; it makes you do stupid things; im cool with it; surely she deserves this; you have planned this for 3 months and should have gotten it 3,4 years ago; now is the time; she will be on the right and i am on the other side; it was a real stupid joke but that did not make you an asshole; funny how just one line; that all it takes; i fall into this instant silence awkward moment; tear streamed down my face uncontrollably; it changes everything; you hope you did not break anything; you have already did; things will not go back to its original form; it saddens me when too many truth came out; that it makes me cry; that hated it that i am weak; vulnerable; sensitive; emotional; all in a matter of one month; i lost it; it used to take longer; i do not mind that you hiding from me the fact that you do not need to tell me all; i am more afraid that when i know too much and when it is time to let go i will not be able to; it is no longer about the right or entitlement of when do we get or do not get certain things; it is in the end a matter of feeling; which already happened; which will only continue to happen; you are wrong if you think i will rob you off your feelings; something you build up and committed to someone for 25 years of time; that is a long time; you are not the first; if anything you want to be sure of; be sure of this; i will be the first one to walk away; broken-hearted and in the end will still be fine; it has been 40 years this way; i plan to continue on; with or without you; because surely it is going to be without you; you thought of me; you said you care; you mind; you do not want me to get hurt; that is the last thing you want to do; we can't go back to the way it was before; it is too late; "you do not talk about your feelings, do you?"; "no i dont"; that what u said; because i notice; whatever you ask i will tell you the truth; why would i? why should i? how could i? it is a sick world; sicker than we imagine; is it love? infatuation? or something else? people get hurt; that is how we stay alive; in an unimaginable way.

Sunday, August 6, 2017

Real intimacy is only possible to the degree that we can be honest about what we are doing and feeling.




















you called a few times; apologize; you had business meeting and you need to socialise; you can't get out of it; although you would really love to see me; we make it to the next day; we saw us at noon; we watched a movie half way; we spent hours in bed; we went out for a late lunch then coffee; chit chat about "i dont mind"; a phrase you said too much; i notice; i point it out; what do you do mind: there are things; then you realise; me too; i said some other thing; like it is ok; we talk about everything and nothing; you do not want to give a shit sometimes; live your life; like "into the wild' type; everyone has obligation; in the end; that is life; then we bought a bottle of white wine; head home; fool around more; finish the movie; then we chit chat and had wine; went out for a short Chinese dinner; again talk about everything and nothing; we head back; chill out for a little more while; dog barking; rain falling; making noise whole night; you end up sleeping on the couch; i was happy; i did not want to care so much until you think i am into you when in fact i am already too into you; i know it will lead to no result, nevertheless; crazy how i heard the barking also all night; which i normally don't; i was awake at 6; i saw you sleeping outside; i wanted to care; fear of waking you; i saw you curl up on the sofa; i left it for another 90 mins; gently open my door again at 730; i saw you smile at me; you sweat a lot; i was embarrassed that my home is too small; that you feel hot; that the noise around you couldn't let you sleep and that i did not sleep together with you in the living room; we spent a little more time together; every seconds counts when i am able to spend with you; you brought me to a place for good croissant; good toast; good coffee; you asked me about my past relationship; i was strong; i know what i want; i was head strong; stubborn; dislike confrontation; yet want to solve problem; you are a guy that wants to talk about it now; you are a "this moment" kind of guy; no past; no future; just present; i talked about long distance too; i will have no doubt i would like to spend more time with you; you said you are lucky that you know me; now i am important to you; this is not the time i hear of it; things may change in a month time; moving around; different places; may start to do new visiting over the weekend; you may meet someone new; anything could happen; you said everyone needs someone; i said it is not easy; i have tried and i am also fine as how i am; i can get he words out to tell you that i miss you so; i am stuck in another useless circumstances; while we are saying we are having thing no string attached arrangement; whatever we are doing and sharing; has started us to build a line of string; invisibly - subtly and quietly; tell me again and again: "you turn me crazy, endlessly".