Thursday, June 22, 2017

There’s nothing wrong with not understanding yourself.


I feel competitive;

I want to also experience as much as you do, sexually;

I know it's wrong but it feels so right;

Because I know I am capable of hurting myself;

That you will leave;

And we don't belong to each other;

No matter what we do;

We don't own us. Or owe us. Or is there even us?

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

There are many who love in this world, but very few who commit.

the different intention about sexual attraction;
based on the different relationship you have with people;
you enjoy being with me because we can have love, sex and friendship;
that we can talk openly about topics;
most of the times we can't help but compare;
we must or at least i must remember it is not about me at all;
i do not know what will happen with my friend and i;
i dont think i will tell you even there's something happen;
we talk about being attracted to each other;
if you do not aim for good looking then you are talking bullshit;
if you dont want to feel attracted with other you are also actually bullshitting;
the truth is we both know how we want to feel and we are more relaxed in doing so;
realising you are in an open marriage is not something new to me;
it seems like you were the one pushing her to do so many things and ended up this way;
although he is not very attractive but he gains your wife attention in a good way which makes her feel good;
i want to ask how come you cant change to be like that;
but we all know the answer to that;
and you do not seem to care because you will not change yourself to please anyone;
clearly you both know what are you guys doing and i do not want to ask anymore;
after all our relationship is founded based on lust, pure sheer lust and nothing beyond that at all;
at least i am thinking so;
somehow it drives me to experience even more; with or without you.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

The scariest thing about distance is that you don’t know whether they’ll miss you or forget you.

we talked about the technology stuff one cant live without;
then we are onto hypothetical question: if you are on an island, what 5 things would you bring?
it all comes back to basic necessity in life in the end;
we do not need more;
we need only little things to be happy;
come to think about it;
you still remember that April;
where i surprise you and it remains this piece of good  memory;
me too; you stumble in the lift; blindfolded; door was lock; you waited patiently until i came up again; cakes; candle; perfume; Starbucks; a movie; end with a beautiful lake side dinner; i was crying on the way back in a cab;
one bad one luckily has not spoiled it yet;
you fantasize how you would want me to dress;
how a group sensual environment turn you on;
the ambient;
i still drilling on the idea you are not mind;
i will never get one hundred percent of your attention;
i need to re-work on the strategy;
by not giving you what you want;
but getting what i want instead.

Monday, June 19, 2017

There are some people you’ll never see again. At least, not in the same way.

it's Monday morning;
we had our usual 30min chat while you were driving to work;
we briefly touch on how our weekend was;
avoiding the insertion of individual;
you went for a sweaty jog;
you praise all the photos i have sent you;
i would have never thought you will keep appearing and lingering in my mind;
the first thing i told you was i really miss you;
with the line cut off twice;
every moment that i miss makes me feel each second is wasted;
that i thought about you a lot over the weekend;
that you wanted to ask me if i want to to together in the country;
only to go and experience something that you had;
i hesitated;
i feel like a child;
it's almost impossible to get you to experience something new having been living longer than i;
you want to bring me to experience something new; with you;
i can only argue that it will be something new because you have never done it with me before;
you are going with them in July;
slowly i started to see people;
so i have more control
feel lesser pain knowing all the time that i could not be with you;
we talk about books;
if you want it with other it is ok too;
also about therapist; beauty; exercising watch;
you like the way i make fun of you;
how us all are much different when we come to the point each time;
i would make you come over and over;
if i ever could.

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Her chaos is order. I’m in love with her madness.

Happiness is a delusion. At least sometimes. It seems to be.

Not everyone willing to chase after the sort of happiness they long for or yearning for.

Because after the chase. Then what? So what?

Saturday, June 17, 2017

I barely noticed loneliness anymore; it was my normal condition, by necessity if not by nature.

all these years;
i thought i have a moving goal post;
with the different phase in my life;
i am turning forty next year;
now i realise;
i am the same girl as i was before;
with the same goal;
wanting to love and be loved;
that was in my intro in same online post years ago;
and who i am and what i think now;
remains exactly the same;
just a girl;
wanting to love and be loved;


Friday, June 16, 2017

When someone won’t let you in, eventually you stop knocking. Know what I mean?

we are glad and enjoy the fact that we can talk about anything; about a topic; or off a topic; or just something branching out of a topic; the short 30min phone call getting shorter; sometimes it slips your mind and you did not call; but then what can i do; how is it with her; maybe sometimes it;s about a book; work; sex; relationship between us; but one thing i know; we cant talk about family; your family; it hard not to compare; while you doing it with me; what about her; when you say you love me; what about her; you mentioned an article; a couple could sit there and say nothing but feel a connection; a couple can also sit there talk about something shallow and no feel anything; how is it with you and her; you strongly defending your family style against anything i may say; i know you are getting defensive; thinking the communication you have with your family; although not the best; but at least it's something; you are against everything when you find a wee but sense of condemn against it; but why are you here now then with me; what are you trying to achieve; i often brake when i suspect the answer that came out from you will not be something i wanted to hear; i stop then; so not to hurt myself in advanced; i get used to it in my various relationships i have been thru; we argue about the book; it is not something you understand; you have a family; you have a relationship from scratch; not a bad one; although maybe sometimes out of it; but you are finding your way back; i can't; i want t own you; whenever i get my time with you; i want you to make me your priority; but you couldn't; what else can i say; that i'm disappointed; you are not mine to begin with; you hate woman that still turn to a man when the man treated her badly; because you are never in a situation where you need to be taken back; where you seem desperate and have no where to go to; i was that person; what are you trying to show? who are you trying to please? you have her; show her love; give her to her; that's about enough; i do not care what is going on between you two; i'm hurt enough from the past; i am still hurting; i cant change it; our exchange is just sexual; we have to admit that; i am no one special; i am never special; it was just timing; that is all; i like this line; that set us apart; keeping me sane as my last line of defense; it will never be fair if you choose not to tell me everything; having the right to not answer the questions that i ask; i want us to ask hard questions and are able to answer them and having the heart to accept whatever the answer is going to be; how we treat each other in the very beginning will forever set the tone how we will treat each other for the rest of the relationship; although there will be time we know we need to take it to the next level; maybe it will fade of; maybe it will continue; who knows? a spontaneous two hours dinner; was a super pleasant surprise; what is my drive? nothing excites me? are this two the same thing? hobbies are not talent; that was funny realization; i seem to lost it; i have to find myself again; once more; i have to let go of the question who am i to you and think of myself a little less from you; in the end; in this life; me and myself are the only person i need to deal with. 

Thursday, June 15, 2017

She had rooms in her mind that she would not look into.

It would've been easier for me to comprehend if you have problem with your family. I do not understand which piece of puzzles in your life do I fit? All seems well until now. I'm not that good. Really I'm not. I just wish I know where exactly do I fit in and after all these while everyone will just be telling me I'm good but no one actually stick with me.

This puzzles me. More and more.

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

I love you for all the reasons I don’t love myself.

you kept telling you love me and that i make you happy;
i stimulate you sexually, so as you;
you love my face at first;
then my skin; my skin color; my body; almost everything;
you say you can just make me do that for the next ten years without getting bored;
it makes me happy;
i do not even care if it's not true;
you say we have to see each other again;
for 1 week this time;
i hear you;
and yet i feel you drifting far away;
i can only hope;
that one day;
will come;
soon enough.

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Your worst sin is that you have destroyed and betrayed yourself for nothing.

i met a friend;
talked about old work, family, life in general, how would we want to be treated, how everything is our own doing and choice, we have planned a trip;
you said that you are jealous;
i am even more so;
i am jealous to something you are permanently attach to;
you said you are square in terms of career;
when it comes to other thing you are less;
that is how you spice things up;
in the end; it's a choice;
you said you are planning trips too;
and your mother will be around;
you are never close with her;
you ask her to bring her around;
you told me i am doing well;
you kept on saying i make you happy;
i hope it's the truth;
even if you are lying to me;
i am willing to believe completely;
even just one second of happiness with you;
everything we say is a sexual turn on;
we still falling with each other;
i wish to let lose;
just to see if i can go on a second with out you;
on my mind;
i have unknowingly fall for you;
so deep and so hard;
this dive that i took;
that i will not say that i will be regretful to do.

Monday, June 12, 2017

Shut your eyes to everything else and do not let yourself be disturbed by people.

we are back to our daily routine after two weeks of close conversation;
the 30min conversation becomes shorter and shorter than we expected;
we had so many things to talk about that need more than 30 minutes;
over the long weekend;
you were sharing that you proud of yourself of the jog;
of the new weird people you met;
of your girl;
the car description of testing and getting;
makes you laugh;
to you i always putting things bluntly;
no filter;
sometimes i make it sound more harsh that it should be;
that is reality to me;
sometimes i think you try to sugarcoat the truth;
just tiny little bit;
fuck around and swinging;
it's the same thing;
to me;
then we go on more;
of your personal stuff;
of feeling;
of emotions;
that we could not spend monger time together;
i have much to share;
places we have been;
experience that we have had;
many beautiful memories;
things that make me sad;
moment that we could've parted;
how i have been mislead to believe that there could be something more for us;
you need the validation;
i did not;
i still hesitate;
reluctant to open up more;
thanks to all my bloody wall;
it does not diminish;
given enough time the wall will be back;
and you need to tear it down again;
i am not sure if you realise;
i wish we have more bad one that will crush us both;
we still often find way to make it better; somehow;
we still holding on to each other; to comfort us both;
talking about impossibility;
do not lose me?
who am i kidding?
we never own each other;
i cant share my hurt; pain; sadness and disappointment;
i just have to lick my own wounds in the end;
no matter what;
how would she feel;
nobody cares;
at least not me;
why should i?
she can run back to you;
i could not;
that is the difference;
there's no right, wrong, black, white;
it is just how it is;
you make a decision;
you go with it;
make it the most;
or suffer;
depends on how you take it;
the closeness;
the intimacy;
the fire;
the passion around us both;
cant be turn off so easily;
do not know what is going on your mind;
in a way we carry out conversation like how we used to;
i wish i can tell more people about you;
as so would you;
because the feeling of being in love and when you feel very happy;
it is just something you wish you can share more.

Sunday, June 11, 2017

I’m a slave to my emotions, to my likes, to my hatred of boredom, to most of my desires.

finally found the time;
bought him birthday treat - dinner and movie;
he is still as talkative as ever;
i got distracted by another him;
ignoring the conversation;
kept staring at my phone;
because it is pointless and useless anyway;
then i figure out so i let go of another pointless sex meet up;
when there was this other if we both stay here we could have develop something more;
that is life;
you dont get everything;
he was telling me his business growing, moving and so many more stuff;
lost the sexual attraction and tension;
still praise me;
i grow numb of it;
did not sense if it is really genuine or he is just saying it;
i only wish him well;
as he said i am a keeper;
i really do not care anymore;
at this point.

Saturday, June 10, 2017

Loneliness becomes an acid that eats away at you.

i once think that i will be drag around for a long while; ten year; twenty years; until i am died;
i can never say;
now that i finally get the freedom i finally deserve;
it comes as a shock, for a brief moment and then it did not linger;
it makes me start to think of treating myself much better that i can be;
he text me and appologize for the bad sex;
what for after all these years;
he was saying something that is very confusing and doesn't make sense;
he can kept that to himself;
it's his own problem;
the other was secretly admiring my body and one day wish that we can fuck;
he should leave this alone;
now that i am free;
i should think about what i really want in life;
right here;
right now.

Friday, June 9, 2017

I get it now. I get it. The things that you hope for the most are the things that destroy you in the end.

as much as we thought we are opening up; we have set a format for us to begin with which will stuck with us until the end; she is back yesterday; of course you will sleep with her; she is yours anyway; i have no right to say anything; we casually talk about weekends; the long weekend; all the buts; all the wall; keeping it going; back in routine again; important for me to know the time; what will you be doing; there's only so many hours; what else is there; there should be more; always more; i have provided you a safe zone to feel vulnerable; i have my doubt and hesitation to be all open up; because sharing it all means i will have nothing to hold on to; when i am all alone; that i need to face all this; in the end; all by myself; anyway.  

Thursday, June 8, 2017

Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it.

last weekend made me think a bit deeper; reflect in my life a bit more; i ask you to categorize me; it is in the positive end; an independent woman who enjoy life the way she wants it; i smile; she is coming back today; we will back to our routine; i am the outsider; still; we spoke of the non-rocket-science thoughts that we have most of the time; knowing it and doing it are two separate things; we know that very well; you mentioned about that kiss again; that you remember my warm tongue touching yours; that i feel that kiss was sweet and cute rather than sexy and wild; the rest as they said is history; we started and keeping it going; you wondering about me by the same token i wondering about you both; i love this thin wall of mystery between us; want to know yet afraid to find out; we only ask question we want to know; because in the end we have to deal with the hurt, pain alone; for me at least that is the case; i often tell myself that and then finally i withdraw; not to surrender; just because i know better. 

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

It is only once in a while that you see someone whose electricity and presence matches yours at that moment.

it feels best when we wake in the morning and you are beside me;
we talked about the different position and how we feel about it;
you cum on my face and my mouth;
you were embarrassed coz some was in my nose;
you told me that i am very special;
can i naively say that we can feel that way, forever?

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

All great men are gifted with intuition. They know without reasoning or analysis, what they need to know.

you are old and way more experience than i; i have to admit that; long time ago; because i still let small things hurt me.

you throw in way too many jokes; that is the way you are; i still do not mind; i try to do the same; just not my thing; we are on the topic of joking and drilling; difference between men and women; cant necessarily compare.

53:05; you driving to airport; i know the lack of empathy from your end; it's too late to change now; the lack of attentiveness from your end; because people in the end will manage it; you care but you are not showing it; just like me; we talk about new experience; you like it sometimes in something; i said sexually you intend to want more; you said that is due to the sense of validation that you yearn for; to boost your confidence but you are not sure if that works if yo have  been doing that for 20 years; we have a lot of similarities in many aspects; sexually; but your need in getting the validation; you show it and it boost up your confidence; i do not; you said you like my back; that's a turn on; you also told me you rarely talk about loser things that makes you feel like a loser like going to travel alone; masturbation; plus so many things if we were to be a couple; twenty years down the line no one can say what happen; i would rather you be square and love me; married or not; i want to be even; at least be treated evenly; i still old fashioned and conservative when it comes to commitment; i feel you do not like to be in the context of such; i ask anyway; if i started with you; i would not have swing; that was my answer once and you like me for that; but if i am married and you are a swinger; i will choose you; either wa; it shows you that i like you; very much; i hope you know that; you hate the word sleeping around; it's your thinking out in the way; saying you are swinging just makes you mentally more positive; that's all; in the end we are not saint; at least me; will be going straight to hell; for sure. 

Monday, June 5, 2017

Sunday, June 4, 2017

Better a cruel truth than a comfortable delusion.

It's the hardest every time we part. This time we not only parted with much more emotions also comes this honest part of us that we did not shared before. This is very very precious to me. I feel jealous to those girls that get to spend time with you. They were very lucky. I seem to repeat myself, this is because I really want you to know how I feel and that you have touched me deeply where no one has done before. Yes not only physically but also emotionally. I love you very much and that makes it harder to say goodbye each time. Please don't stop wanting me ever, as I will continue to want you and desire you, although now I will think you are with other girls too. It will be silly to think that you are sitting home and have no sex. You are after all a grown sexually active man.

Sorry for being such a kid. Most of the times. I will find myself again. I just need time.

Friday, June 2, 2017

I have to say that although it broke my heart, I was, and still am, glad I was there.

We spend an intensive weekend together. After that incident. After taking a long weekend break. The decision was mutual. You are a very forgiving husband. You are a sex maniac. Seems that way. You pushed her to become this way. This you have no one else to blame. In the end i am no better. At least I'm single. I'm only responsible of my own doing. You feel the lack of affection with her. You try to save it. Knowing how. But not necessary doing it. You still sleep around. It hurts me. But I know I don't have any right to. I don't own you. I told you about the two guys. Comparison kicks in. You are the jealous type. So am I. We came to this weekend to share with each other more, but still not everything. We talk and rank. Never a fair thing to do. We both have ranking. You throw in jokes after jokes to cover up. I can't use joke to cope. I chose to ignore. You thought I don't care and don't want to know. Quite the opposite. I know myself too well. I know what I can handle and things I want to know. You curious why I don't ask you more. Because I can't handle the truth. At least I don't want to. And I can't joke about it. In the end. After spending time with one person for a long time, it boils down to trust and decision that you will not harm each other and that you guys still want to go on for the rest of your life. Which is how you are doing. I love you. I'm not part of your past but I hope I'm not too late to be in your future. I can let you know that much. The rest. Whatever going to happen. Will happen. In the end. Eventually. even if that means we are going to somehow part and i wish you all the happiness in the world; truly for you. 

Friday, May 26, 2017

Thursday, May 25, 2017

Don’t tell them too much about your soul. They’re waiting for just that.

you said it has nothing to do with the trip;
you told me something embarrassed;
a family affair;
that i rarely interfere;
i asked a question;
you did not answer;
i push once;
still no answer;
i stop instantly;
we still contemplating;
we want to see us;
i wonder the repercussion of what happened;
how would that affect you;
did she send it to you which she supposed to;
that she did not and to him;
he is not even attractive;
what would she think;
in this most fragile moment;
she needs your tenderness more than ever;
all this inside of my head;
spinning and spinning;
non stop;
but me missing you;
also going on the same rate;
i ask you what is this relationship means to you;
you said: a lot;
that is enough for me;
truly, madly, deeply.

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

We shall meet in the place where there is no darkness.

you are glad and happy that i am telling my friend about you;
but it;s because she is in the same situation;
you know this is not something i am totally proud of;
in a way you cant do the same under the circumstances;
in your voice there seem to be a little bit of disappointment that you cant do so;
then comes now;
that i realise;
you can share with me embarrassing affair that you will not be able to share with anyone, ever;

that makes us even now;
in a weird odd way. 

Monday, May 22, 2017

The best way I can love you is by not losing myself in you, but growing with you.

She is not around again;
you just reached home;
settle down, shower, you called, we chat;
i cried again;
feel sad;
but i made you more happy;
but maybe i make you more sad;
i will not know;
i can not guess;
i do not want to ask you hard question;
about what you would say to her;
about how you are with her;
then about the trip;
far and yet so close trip;
you have found a trip where we both do not need to travel so long;
i am flattered by your thoughts and invite;
i hesitated and finally decide to refuse for the right reason;
both you and i know it this is the right decision;
there is just too much at stake even though we do not talk about it;
you don't need to think anymore about the trip;
don't feel bad or anything;
sometimes someone in this kind of situation needs to make a call;
even if it's not a call I would want to make.

Thank you for the so many things and so many thoughts you have had for me and done for me;
for this i truly feel loved.

Thursday, May 18, 2017

I usually solve problems by letting them devour me.

i let him go and turn him down just to get closer to you;
we still keeping our chit chat albeit we both far away;
you are going home;
flight delay;
seeing your family;
have good time;
all this within a short period of time;
frustrated about the planning;
could have been done better;
i left you on Wednesday;
board again on Saturday;
already he said he wants to meet again on Sunday;
as usual i think too much;
as usual i think of other;
as usual i think why the hurry;
as usual;
as usual;
as usual;
i cant explain.

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

I’m really a very happy, contented little person in spite of my broken heart.

i was glad;
it was the right decision;
she made it here early;
we have similar challenges and issues;
she enjoying her time here;
we could talk about it all night; all day; all the time;
cheer to you AL, this friendship i so very much cherish.

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

I will love you the exact way I always wanted to be loved.

still shy;
still did not push it thru;
first night arrive late;
we joke about it;
i was gullible;
i greeted you;
you were tired;
you slept more;
day 1 - then we headed out to a temple nearby;
the temple was surrounded by a lake;
we had a Starbucks too;
we walked around the park;
see all the performers around;
had a piece of fried chicken;
it was a nice day;
then we wanted to have a beer;
small dinner;
we ended in the small jap restaurant in a corner;
day 2 - we got up;
usual time;
we book the tour;
then get on our way to the north;
visited a big bell tower temple;
we then rushed on a bus;
randomly touring around;
ended up in a small bar street;
had my beer in a french cafe;
then we walk thru old street;
found interesting stuff to look around;
i wanted it to be special;
had in my head a visual;
it did not happen;
i know why;
i did not push it;
i want to be in control;
i want to know where i stand and what i bring to this relationship;
day 3 - we had the arranged trip;
saw another old couple;
guessing it's an affair;
we can only guess;
what will other think of us;
i wonder;
you enjoy us as a normal couple too;
im more eager to feel with you different things;
to still explore you; know you;
day 4 - in the nicest hotel of the trip;
did not stay long or talk;
hang out had beer;
walk around lake a bit;
bicycle fail;
a lot of things fail;
but enjoyable time nonetheless;
did not had our bath;
drink a little wine;
call it a night;
day 5 - check in again the second hotel;
settle down;
went to old street again;
had cold drinks;
people watching;
normal conversation;
you had asked me to tell you something, two times;
i feel like we run out of things to say;
we limit ourselves;
i do not want to do the things you could do with them;
what is the difference?
i wonder then;
i wonder now;
i will forever can only wonder;
to no end.

Thursday, May 4, 2017

You do not have to unburden your soul for everyone; it will be enough if you do that for those you love.

you missed a day;
i have been waiting for this moment;
city is empty without you;
finally it was over;
we back to our world;
still shy;
still think i am not entitle to request and ask for more;
this time it felt more sexually driven;
i wanted to talk;
i did not insist;
you missed the sign;
i have my expectations;
everyone could have;
it is very normal in a relationship;
if this you can do it with her;
why would you do it with me;
what is so special?
i did not feel special;
i have in my mind - candle light dinner; give you the gift; talk about it more; about our relationship; to assess it; do we want to go on; am i doing you more good than harm;
you send me a song;
that says makes you better;
how can it be if someone already made it;
where is my position in your life;
what can i be?
we have been waiting so long for this moment;
and yet;
it feels so different this time around;
i want it as it is;
that i can always feel sure being with you is the good thing;
is the only thing that makes me want to be with you.

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Eventually soulmates meet, for they have the same hiding place.

i was talking about skills; how after few times of talking; i did mind when you talk about her attractiveness; but i do not mind when you share your problem; you tend to want to know bad stuff than good; you will not want to know if i am seeing a guy that is good; we all laugh better at other's misfortune compare to our own; when i say if she ends it so would we; you said you are not a saint and at this point you will not say for sure; but it gives you comfort and feel less guilty as she said she is not so sure of it; then you feel a sense of relief when you are going to see me soon; i say you still want to see me if i am seeing someone; you ask me to say it again; i still say i would; even if you are married, you asked; but i am not sure if marriage is something i would do anytime soon; i do know for sure the feelings with you just linger on and on and on and on.................because we care for each other more and feel this precious emotion and create such an important spot in each other's life; i wonder when it comes the time we need to end; it has to be something awfully terrible; i may want it to happen soon; very soon.

Monday, March 20, 2017

Do not invest your whole life in one hope.

As much as I believe eventually all relationship will hit its peak and then slowly go down hill. For us no less. But then because of how we are in this relationship, with a lot of factors in place, it makes us treasure this in a different way and also makes the relationship feel somewhat new each time. I still into you and i believe that as much as I want both to turn on, being with each other now in a simple way like how we do is our biggest turn on and that's really great. Until whatever may happen then.

I am very happy with you and how we are doing;
which i truly believe for  now it's the truth. 

Thursday, March 16, 2017

All the gods, all the heavens, all the hells, are within you.

I do not know what worse. Say things that hurt other people or don't say it but hurt myself. 

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Believe nothing you hear, and only one half that you see.

he is gone for about a week or so;
missing him still so much;
the lightest touch between us lingers on;
his voice;
his laugh;
his passion;
his movement;
the embarrassment;
still text him on and off sometime;
received short response;
he is back to his life over at the other side of the globe;
we both have our own life to live;
everyone has;
what can i expect;
there's the other one with boring answers;
not so much interesting stuff;
i know myself;
i cant stand it;
and another is back home for a week;
enjoying his time with family and hobbies;
merely sexual;
missing each other still much;
the lust lingers on;
in the end;
lust drives me;
only me.

Sunday, March 12, 2017

I heard an airplane passing overhead. I wished I was on it.

You showed me two hundred over photos. Told me all about it. Also your feelings. Again. Very vaguely. After your trip. I lose interests. Long ago in fact. Then that day I decided. We really said goodbye. I once love you. Never would have thought. It will be gone. 

Thursday, March 9, 2017

Follow your heart but take your brain with you.

are you happy with this relationship?
i am.
would you rather not have it?

Both of them have answered the same thing......

Monday, March 6, 2017

They leave me and I love them more.

i know it seems stupid to restrict you in whatever way that seems natural to you;
i guess i just want you to know that what i feel for you is real and it will be in the way knowing someone else is with you and that is nothing i can change;
i will not ask you to change anyway which is impossible;
promise me;
if it comes one day you must leave;
lie to me and leave;
just do it.

Wednesday, March 1, 2017

There was nothing to talk about anymore. The only thing to do was go.

you are here;
for four days;
you said this is the sales director job;
but you push thru it;
give it a reason;
to just come and see me;
i feel flattering;
also an emotional burden;
you will be gone;
the more i am with you;
the more i realise in the end;
it is all a state of mind;
if you feel happy and want to;
you will be;
we had great intimate moments;
sushi; malay food; joking around; blonde chocolate; the jam; touching in the car; how you did not want me to wait; i took a day off; hi tea with bunch or orchids; your work; your scar; chinese seafood;  the hypothetical money question; your sexual story;
how you do not mind about the things that i do because it was too intense;
that you made me did so for the very first time;
that i do not think i will ever met someone like you;
that i will never feel the same emotion ever again;
all these intense emotions;
we may or may not have again ever;
glad that i text you back;
anyway you would've still try;
know that you still keep seeing other;
of course you do;
you will never stop;
eventually everything fade;
1 day;
6 weeks;
14 years;
25 years;
no difference;
you were telling me more;
your ears;
your story;
your hard work;
how you end up here now;
this moment;
i truly treasure;
although we have parted with a very very heavy heart.

Monday, February 27, 2017

You don’t know what burdens other people bear. Always treat them with the greatest of care.

it's another weekend;
i have much to tell you;
we talked for a short while;
far too short for me to share it all;
the electrician issue; my assignment with classmate; my hang out with friends;
so much thoughts and after thoughts that are worth sharing and talk about;
but it was way too short your drive;
i started now to hate it when you ask what is new with me but i have to summarize and concentrate everything within 20 minutes;
we have decided and agreed to see us in May;
want an easier justification for you;
hence no where far away;
in the end;
i was surprise that you still able to know me well even i have not shared so much;
guess i am just predictable;
furthermore what else can we really say what can you really advice me with;
it doesnt get too far away but sex;
we all feel alone; empty; depress;
i was lucky i can work;
she is obviously unhappy but in the midst of get out of it;
i can only help so much;
but how can i tell you all that;
you can go home and share them;
i wont be able to and i do not want to;
in the end i have to deal with it and solve my own problems;
like how i always do.

Friday, February 24, 2017

I wish to love and be loved. To hold and be held. To kiss and be kissed. To feel and be felt. Nothing more. Nothing less.

we admit we can never have a quickie;
the sexual lust and reminicense of the good old memory;
first time driven you to my place blindfolded;
missed your call due to meeting;
then you call after your dinner;
chat was too short;
you left me hanging yearning and longing for you;
i do not want to imagine our ordinary life;
i wish even if we are together it is as passionate as we are taking it now;
driving me insane;
always get sexy with each other;
ideally in my dream;
let's be forever horny and happy with each other;
even if its just a dream.

Thursday, February 23, 2017

Wherever you go, go with all your heart.

you thank me for making time with you even with the distraction;
i was surprise;
didnt know you would notice that;
i was not joking when i said if we were with each other for 25 years i will no longer give you the type of attention that i have given you;
for now because of our circumstances which is totally normal;
why would i want to miss out any second that i could spend with you or talk with you;
i cant afford to;
i do not have a life time with you;
although we half jokingly said we should live until 73 and you 100;
because eventually one day;
you and i both know;
we will run out of things to say to each other anyway.

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

A mistake repeated more than once is a decision.

i start to afraid of our "for argument sake" statement;
i start to afraid that we compare too much;
i start to afraid that we start to sway away of what we are initial here for. 

Monday, February 20, 2017

I have always loved too much or not enough.

the love i have for you is dragging me down emotionally;
i need some other avenue;
so that i know you are not the only one in my mind;
i contact him again;
just to get you out of my head;
just to balance of the imbalance and jealousy i have in me;
otherwise i will be eating up slowly;
by a scary creature that i have created myself.

Friday, February 17, 2017

I want to be loved and to be left alone.

As I was asking you if you will have a better life without me; you cant say for sure; I want you to just say yes or no; I said you will definitely have more time; but you said you probably use those time to do something else; what is the point then? I do not understand. I said we are different; you insist we are the same.

Thursday, February 16, 2017

You can’t just change me and then leave.

i am afraid that i cant be there for you;
that you do not need me;
that something bad would happen to you and i cant help you;
just because of the circumstances make it so;
then in the end i have to tell myself to walk away and admit to the fact that we are here just for the sex.

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

I am doing something I hate for you. This is what it means to be in love.

you told me to do it in the way that i feel best;
i know then from that moment on;
i will start to share; speak; talk; move; think;
and get ready to one day get really terribly hurt;
and that i have to crawl back to my own cave;
and lick the wound off on my own;
once more;
you told me you will do new things to me when we next meet;
that excites me once more;
and i do not mind the wait;
the pain;
the longing;
i hate you and yet you make me love you more.

Monday, February 13, 2017

It has made me better, loving you.

we did it again;
had a short weekend of great time;
you said stupid things that made me cried;
i have learnt that i am such a inexperience little girl with you;
we had some stupid argument;
i do not want to become her;
i asked you if you know why i am really upset;
you said you rather me settle down until i am less emotional;
i do not want you to guess;
i am not into game;
it is ok for you to say no;
you had me guessing;
you are also the one that like to be offer and ask sometimes;
you do not like to feel in debt;
that you are depending on someone else for happiness;
you do not like it because you think of it as a service;
and you need to give something in return;
i wont mind if you take a sip from whatever i am having;
i am more than happy to share;
but i will also not say it;
to avoid rejection and disappointment;
we told each other;
we will ask if we want it;
i asked you about our best memory;
it was our second night together;
whenever i am with you i do not want to hear about anyone else;
i cried numerous time;
you say you will find other if you re not with me;
plain sex and desire in between dishonesty;
we talked openly about so many things;
sex; first kiss; moral; being human; life;
we talked about how i have to deal with things myself where you have somewhere you belong and go back to;
you said i have it too but this is something you will never understand but you allow me to do it by myself the most comfortable way i want to;
i am afraid to expose my vulnerability to be bare naked in front of you to have no where to turn nothing i can go back to to fall back on;
at least now i have myself i still have a wall;
we do not know what will happen in 5 years;
you know it does not take any more hot stuff to excite you;
i am somewhere you escape to and so as you to me;
we excited about a secret get together to be away;
we are our little getaway for each other;
a run out of our routine;
i was silly enough to think that we would sit for a few stops but then we had to part;
once more train;
i insisted;
i am so afraid to lose you;
i do not think i can accept it;
you are too egoistic to let me go;
"do you want to still see us?"
yes - and that is all you needed to say;
you had me;
you always do;
have you thought about how to spend this short weekend with me before we meet;
no, but i always know that it will be easy with you;
because i cant be and i do not want to be another exact copy of someone to you;
we both have our own agenda;
to stay on;
to want to stay on;
so we did.

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

The two hardest things to say in life are hello for the first time and goodbye for the last.

settling stuff for your family;
both of us, especially me always feel awfully bad;
you did call yesterday evening a very prompt call;
i rather you did not call;
i rather we did not talk;
so i will not become sad and longing;
you call again this morning another very brief call;
we talking about the meet;
i could've booked an earlier flight to wait for you instead of you waiting for me;
you redefining the word "wait";
you do not mind;
i got panic;
we could have planned better somehow;
you kept asking me to relax;
i would argue i did mention an early flight because of the holiday;
then we did not go for it considering this is your business trip that i should match your timing;
5 hours wait;
you say you can do things;
the hotel is some distance;
we would be tired;
this time we should talk;
we probably should part ways;
it has been a year;
it should be enough and had been enough for us;
i kept telling myself;
i am happy i am happy i am happy;
but i am sad;

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

The best way I can love you is by not losing myself in you, but growing with you.

you were away;
we can rarely talk to each other;
out of our routine;
i was afraid i start to depend on you;
lose myself in you;
i try not to;
i do other things;
many many things;
get you off my mind;
get myself occupied;
not an easy task;
i thought i will be alright;
then comes the day;
i thought we are back to our routine;
you couldn't for one reason;
i would have to understand;
i have no choice;
it is behind the back of my head;
i know why and i do not want to compromise;
i said mean things;
i stay quiet;
we know it;
we have set to see each other again;
maybe we will let it go this time;
it is sensible;
this time.

Friday, February 3, 2017

What does it matter how many lovers you have if none of them gives you the universe?