Monday, September 18, 2017

I try more and more to be myself, caring relatively little whether people approve or disapprove.




















i really want to see you; i hate to see you suffer; with your pain and getting ill; i cannot do anything; we had coffee and hot chocolate; sitting facing each other cross legged; everything turn into something sexy with you with a slight gentle twist; i like this wonderful feeling; this little time and moment that we shared; however much short it is; it was such a wow Friday; we will not forget; it left memories and traces everywhere; i really want to see you; even just to have a coffee; i suggested it; in the end you accommodated my request; you were telling me about her; your friend; your boss; some challenges; family; long weekend; the time that we do not get to spend together wishing that we were; you already asking if i will visit; i cannot tell you for now; it is not a no; it is also not a yes; just as you; i do not want to promise something i can't deliver; i know i surely will if i can and by then i will tell you about it; that i promise; without saying it out loud; we walk into a building; you said you want to check on something and we steal a kiss; nearby the staircase; just like two teenagers hiding something form our parents; sweet; loving; yet exciting. 

Sunday, September 17, 2017

When you love someone, they become your reason.




















second date; much much much shorter; you were feeling unwell; physically we gotten closer; i like how you are protective of me; making me feel safe; you asked me if i want to join board game night and meet your friends; i feel shy and honored; you worry is too fast; i am just being cool about the whole thing; a Korean style Chinese restaurant; we touch; kiss; display a little of PDA; we did not over do it; it's fine; lingering on to stay longer; we are two sensible little creature; i also can feel you being uneasy and want to head home; we parted and already looking forward to meet next; six days is a long time; i like your height; your practicality; your analytical thinking; at least for now; from 8 hours meet down to one and a half hour short dinner; we know we want to go on further; at least for now; since we do not feel it is too much or too fast.

Saturday, September 16, 2017

You know it’s love when all you want is that person to be happy, even if you’re not part of their happiness.














Saturday evening; i pour everything out to him; little did i know is started to share more than i normally would due to my secretive being; my date this morning, about my upcoming trip to visit you; up until you said i deserve something good and how this relationship progressively develop into something i really treasure. P, for all the things i thought would happen between us; this is absolutely the last thing on my mind; to turn you into my relationship/ life go to guy; it sure feels good when we can have someone that we can share absolutely eveyrthing with; with that thought in mind; let us have the same relationship with whoever we are going to see next; in your case; you too deserve someone great in your life. 

I have so much of you in my heart.




















it started at 8.30; a breakfast date; first surprise; you are on time; second surprise; you brought me a chocolate; you said you were travelling; but still you do not have to; i brought you nothing; proceed with breakfast; chatted away ranging from family; work; my course; past relationships; religious; interest; traveling; Sydney; food; concert; a little bit of football; even Beckham; you already ask if i want to go to Russia for World Cup game; i find that direct approach refreshing; the conversations carry on; we have good impression with each other; i lost count how many times we high five; certain values are on par; you are practical; punctual; i like that; in the first few hours i already few i share too much; even my private family stuff which i do not normally share in the first date; i guess i am feeling conformable enough and be ready to open myself up with you; we already kind of mention a lot of things we can do together; perhaps; too soon; the coffee was bad but the toast was nice; you and your family also having struggle; a lot of things seem matching; then we decided to change to another place to talk further; you drove me there; we talked more over tea and lunch; it was a nice place; 7 Sept - 25 Oct; ESTJ - ISFJ; two years gap; horse - dragon; Virgo - Scorpio; love language test; you do not seem to into so much about star sign or zodiac but big on personality; perhaps from your past experience it could help with future one; still i wonder; the test result it depends on how you are or the situation you are in right now there and then; it tends to change and people bound to change; that is the beauty of it; can not believe you are a dance guy; that is the only difference i spotted about us; this one thing;  wait; no; there's another; we do not have the same taste in music; that i notice; we talked about your house; property ownership; on the things we have been through; the different result; i just want out; your ex did not and you gave her what she asked for; for i know even if i ask for it i will not get; i was out quietly after all these years; the struggle was real and we sort of understand it; you can easily be manipulated by someone you love; hard for you to trust; i guess i am being cautious too; everyone would; a lot of things i would put it upfront now; because after lunch, i was thinking whether we should continue and i ask him bluntly if he wants to keep hanging out; because i do not know his schedule and what is his plan; and he replied that he would be happy to continue and change to another place; finally we decided that we want to spend a bit mire time together; we change to a little cafe that serves really good croissant; we kept the bar place that we have been seated; we dont mind it so much; although now that finally i realise the reason why we stick to that we possibly because that was the opportunity we can get physical together with some light touches; none of us did; we were shy and polite i guess; we showed each other social media postings; he wants to befriend so that i can see his update; i would normally decline but i accepted him this time with a good reason; i showed him family and friend photos; there was even this "if there's a smoke i will go for it now" moment; which i find rather cute; time flies when you having a good time; we realise it's time to part and we gladly did; before i walk out from the car; we stopped for a brief moment to say our proper goodbye; quite naturally we lean to kiss each other; it was quite a sweet and short kiss; we both smiles shyly and know that we have to do that again; which we did more properly and we were holding hands; i feel this joy genuinely i have inside; we have already plan as next week is a short week; and we have a mutual feeling that we want to see each other again; hence we lock down another dinner date for tonight; i can not tell you what is going to happening now; i just feel glad that we make another date already; without waiting for it too long. 

Friday, September 15, 2017

I’ve had enough hurt already in my life. More than enough. Now I want to be happy




















Friday night; i was at a company event; he texted me said to meet up; i ask if he can wait; of course he can and he would; to have a drink with another friend of his; i gladly reply a yes; i want to see him; do not feel any bad conscious; we had a few beers; some food; a bloody good time listening to various sort of music; got introduce to some good one; finally agreed on one; the heavy; he feels a little bit jealous because he cant talk about music with the two of us; i feel free; truly enjoying the night; joke of the night; on stage was singing a song by Sting - Heavy Cloud No Rain; i literally take it as a statement; we laugh about it for a while; his friend was odd about joke; answering a question with a question; it was still fun; we ended the night passionately as expected; i do not even know after tomorrow; i just want to spend every single moment that i possibly could with him; until the time comes; whenever it is 

Even if you know what’s coming, you’re never prepared for how it feels.




















you said we can do lunch; or have a coffee; i will be waiting; sometimes it is not enough to just say i miss you.

Thursday, September 14, 2017

People will love you. People will hate you. And none of it will have anything to do with you.



















you came and see me despite your back pain; canceling of dinner; "a bad day should be like this"; i remember a friend said; similarly as you told me once; the best part of my day only starts now.

i
miss
you
much
already.

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Even if others abandon you, you must never abandon yourself.




















We are all selfish.
One kept on saying he is not forcing me to anything. He gives me no promises.
One seems to forget that a relationship that has been going on for 10 years is not something as simple as to came out and accept that the dynamic has been change of the consequences of things that had happened. One fact remains to me, if you are not a good person, you have no right and are not entitle to ask me what to do. You gotten the point wrong where you say you did that when we were apart when I was seeing someone else, but what bother me the most is you have her and have me in your life, that was apparently not enough and we just have to get past that and swallow whatever wrongdoings of yours. This will take years to fix. For now. I've took a bold step to want to talk to you. This doesn't mean I do not mind but the word regrets would kill me more if I did not unstuck and move on. From this moment on I also realise being physical with you and get back to what we once had is out of the question. Forever and ever.

Monday, September 11, 2017

I can bear any pain as long as it has meaning.




















i find you are a man that needs love; you crave for it; as i crave for you; this is the very first time i tell you i love you; as we have shared more of our feelings; the excitement; the surprises; the meet outside of work; whatever crazy ideas we have in our head; being with you is definitely crazy enough for me; for now. 

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

What does it matter how many lovers you have if none of them gives you the universe?




















you found the time to see me; 730pm at my place; traffic was horrible; you made it a wee bit late; no food for this time; no drink; i do not know what to expect; i do not know what time you need to leave; you miss the bed; the dog; everything; all the moments we have had together; we did not alk much about it; nevertheless; we still had wild sex on the table; kitchen; the guest room; everywhere of my place; you want to leave traces everywhere; so i will not forget you when you are gone; you are so selfish and yet i am still so into you; you being funny; crazy and wild; i like you for that; we will change from now on the way we seeing each other; lesser time; we did not talk shit; because we did not ask question; we have no time to even think of it; to have small talk; conversation; to save the world; we just get physically as soon as we see each other; like two wild things that got totally lost; that why i say do not say things that you will not do; even you did not put the word promise in it; i will still have hope in it.

Tuesday, September 5, 2017

I miss you deeply, unfathomably, senselessly, terribly.




















i texted you almost the same time you wanted to text me and the sequence matters; it tells you that i still look for you; after a long time; after so many times of rain checks; we had a great dinner; you cook for me; a few beers; ice cream; you show me your new place; talk about music, movie here and there; i know this lukewarm thing can't go on; you came and hug me from behind; took my hand; came to bed; you need me; you miss me; you long for me; physically; i know it is time; to talk about it; to let my anger out what i have suppressing; this past that caused me pain; the reason why i distance myself and withdrew; you said you already know long ago; you did not need to ask; you assuming that you are right and i did not want to share; defend mechanism kicks in; i feel deep cuts, pain; hurt endless; this is an un-fillable void; this emptiness; you miss the passion; our passion; sadly there's no way to go back there; not now; maybe we could; but it will be never the same; we are still too secretive; not opening enough; i do not want you to think i am easy and you can just back into my life after all this damage you have done to me; you said you just want to make me cum; to feel me again; to remind me how we were physically once; that is the whole point; you do not need to remind me about it; i remember every single thing; the way you touch me; the way you caress me; you miss me being here; beside you; make you coffee in the morning; i do too; and that you can tell me over the phone call that day i really meant it when i said "i miss you"; that is why it hurts me more deeply because i remember; it would be easier if we just fuck each other and leave it at that; we did not; there's no turning back; cant undone; we could have been happy together; it could have been me; but you just have to screw it up; screw things up and screw us up; you should still be happy now; at least we still talking to each other; instead of letting fade away and ask ourselves after 10 years; what if i spoke with him; i am glad; i do not want that regret and there will not be; in my life; now.

Monday, September 4, 2017

I do not exist to impress the world. I exist to live my life in a way that will make me happy.




















You have been missing me the whole day, she will be coming back this week, I will go and meet him, we have to meet anyway, it may not be the last time, but with she around, you can no longer see me as freely as we would like to, we will back to small coffee, short drinking session, dinner, what not, at my little home, you got stuck in jam, family is still your priority , I do not want to take anything away, I do not have the right to, i miss you already we back to where we started, you said we should talk, I am not asking you to promise me a future that we will not have, I just want to know if you are sure you want to continue to see me, if it is so, how do we do, all this I can't be in the dark, we were talking about compromises, how two people can be together even when they are the totally opposite, your life goes well with her, it has been so many year, I am addicted to your softness, we went for Japanese, you happy your wine are here, I'm keeping your champagne, waiting for the time, then we went for a beer, place was too noisy, we had one drink and just want to go, every time we meet it goes up a click or notch, you farted accidentally in front of me, I thought that was cute and I thought we could have had a good life together, if only we are together.

I already miss you before we even parted and I missed the chance to give you a long hug and kiss because we were sitting in my car, park outside your house, in your busy neighbourhood.

I do not need you to promise me when, you just need to promise that we will see us, no matter what. That's all. That's all.

Friday, September 1, 2017

I’m not very good at putting my feelings into words. That’s why people misunderstand me.




















a short trip; i threw tantrum; i want you all to me and it is very hard thing to swallow; it has been two years; the thing i never wanted to show but i starting to; getting demanding; want to be all important during that short period of time; these are the things you can never give me and i want to just end it; end this agony; misery; i could not; i am weak; so weak and after reading your long message; knowing that you want to keep me for the rest of your life; i turn around; i cry but i also agreed to your proposal; i am forever trapped by the very notion of - you also actually love me too.

Monday, August 28, 2017

You intoxicated me. It was just as though you were making me love you by some invisible force.













It shows that you care; by the way you rush over when you realise dinner wasn't delivered on time; we were supposed to have sushi and we made fun of it the whole night; we had pizza instead; you even have beers already packed; you were anticipating a beautiful night; so i don't have to worry about food; i do my revision; see you; spend a good evening together and so on; this is like every time you have the brightest idea to do something and it will go wrong; I just want you to be here; i do not really care what we eat; we had this crazy moment; on the table; again; in the bathroom; look at me; just look at me; you kept saying that; you made me feel very very safe; I don't know if I really make you better; I hope I do; i helped you with your ticket; we talked about our days; the more you use good and positive things about it; the more I feel funny about it; i watched you sign in cursive; i want to see it more; the way you want to and trying very hard to twist your thinking; you said being with me is the best part of your day; the way I touch you is really really special, something you don't feel with anyone else, I hope you are addicted to me, I hope you do not go, I hope you stay with me, in this tiny little space just between you and I, forever. I do love you, I can't change that; even if i want to try as hard as i want to.

Sunday, August 27, 2017

We never talked for very long at a time. It was simply the pleasure of discovering what we each felt.














i really like the way how our conversation is going; both missing each other in a small way; i thank you for always caring for me; open up; giving me this safe little space to be with you; in this tiny box of ours; however long it may be; every moment that i manage to be with you is a bonus in my life; i am no where near perfect; just merely being who i am; i truly enjoy the time being with you; even though it comes with sadness; and you told me i am part of your life; no matter what, you will keep a space in your nothing box for me; i change your life; it maybe just a little; we did not change the world for sure; but who cares; we are having a good time; just you and me; that is what matters; i know i do not tell you my feelings a lot; but it does not mean my feeling is any less; when you come to think of it; you do not need to change the world; you just need to change mine; bit i like the idea to try with you; that one line embedded in my head and heart; ever since. 

Saturday, August 26, 2017

I guess that’s just part of loving people: You have to give things up. Sometimes you even have to give them up.














on Friday you called; you are not going to spend the night with me; i was tempted with someone else; but my heart was with you; you were with your neighbors and friends; you have a life too; you say we going to see us on Saturday; i saw your right after my car service session; we had a long time together; i brought you to street food your first ever; then coffee; none of the coffee i brought you to was good so far; you don't mind; we hang out a bit more; listened to song list from your phone; giggling away; pretending to be like two teenagers who are in love; then realise i park too long and may get a ticket; we drove home; had a nap; listen to your snore; got up; had a coffee and watch a lousy movie; then decided to have dinner; you let me order; all the food you like it because there is nothing to benchmark with; it left special memory for the both of us; two big beers; nice meals; talking anything, nothing and everything; you are a good person; sometimes rude; defending your own principle in your own hard way; there was no dog; we slept thru the night; the night morning i was hesitated if i should ask you to meet next week; i was already crying; wrong playlist was on; i feel emotional; i feel sad; everything comes up at once; you hold me and say; will see me no matter what; you cant promise; but surely definitely we will see us; even though you don't know when; even though you will move down south; you do not want to talk about the future now; because you do not know; but you for sure will ask; when the days comes; eventually; we touched on family too; you made me cry; thinking about my own; you said i look strong, but i am not; a short person with a big heart; just as you are a tall person with your big heart; we are somewhat similar in a way; i never say this; i know i do not express myself a lot; that does not mean i do not love you or feel a lot less; on the contrary; i feel too much with you and it makes me afraid; the thought of losing you; scares me; and the worst thing is - this is not the first time. 

Wednesday, August 23, 2017

It’s been very rare to have known you, very strange and wonderful.














you finished your exam;
we wanted to meet;
on Wednesday night;
i bought some food;
ready to cook for you;
you are in your t-shirt and shorts casually;
i like that you don't shave and look so macho;
i never fall so fast in my life with a person;
i cook you simple prawn pasta and drinking riesling;
you guessed the wine right;
i was touching you all over with such nice music playing;
i do not ever want to forget any night that i have ever spent with you.

Tuesday, August 22, 2017

I, too, remember that feeling. You are caught between all that was and all that must be. You feel lost.




















we do not want to save the world; we just want to know someone will be there; appreciate us; love us; care for us; we talked about how intense our encounter was; going up one click at a time; you said you hate when people just simply say to meet; never set a date when; you say if you want to meet; you will just arrange it and it's done; you are doing the same to me; you said we should go there; do this; have that; this restaurant; that bar and more; you are not making promises surely; just that you gave me many false impressions that we can have a lot of time together which we don't; you are just doing the same thing as everyone else.

Monday, August 21, 2017

I need to learn how to stop destroying myself, stop being hard on myself, and be nice to myself.




















Friday night; i picked you up; you came to me and ask if it is ok to ask him to come along; surely; then you guys waled out together and got in my car; obviously he was all dressed up; i relief i did not say no; would be impolite then; French restaurant; ordering food; trying out; funny dessert; chit chatting; you praise on my English command; i went to the wash room; you followed; you hold me from behind; giving me compliment and you touch me gently; realising that i was really sexy and that you were such an idiot; we had numerous sessions; i stayed for a short while; the feeling is just too strong to say no to; too strong. 

Sunday, August 20, 2017

You never get over it. But you get to where it doesn’t bother you so much.




















we can't wait to see each other again; i texted yo after my visit; i did not even bother to take a rest; i just want to see you; the feeling to be able to see you again excites me; we went to a place called Mantra; had a few drinks; talking about nonsense; having you around me; this short-lived feeling; why can't i just enjoy this; this is too great; dog still barking to no end; sounds more consciously than ever the dog is there; you woke me at 3am; you said you just want to take a sip of the water and come back to bed; i didn't care; i know you couldn't sleep; i felt bad; i want to make a bed in the living room; so we can sleep together; let's go to the bed and wake up slowly; you helped me make the bed; you are part of my unforgettable moments too; in the end it's all in the small thing; small little thing; we had breakfast in a small cafe; we talk about being social; how to help; how to live; a lot of things; i know i should not justify being with you; it is no longer a matter of good or bad; right or wrong; it is a feeling; that is just right; that is all. 

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

You cannot fathom the distance I would travel for you.




















you walked into my car; calmed down the excitement; Monday is just too long; but the feeling when we met; as you said; will be stronger; it was; you were in your short and t-shirt; casually; we can't kissed in front of your place; i understand; we got emotional last night; we had long time together; from 7 until 1; i finally asked you about her; i know at some point; this needs to come out; i was reluctant; to share with you; about things; you like me being shy; we had Chinese noodle; we still enjoy each other's company very very much; i told you about my exam time and the dinner time that i wanted to head out early so that i am able to be with you more; even today; i want to go and pick you up; even 5 more minutes with you to be is precious; this is another hole i dig myself and fall into; i am making this decision; to go on; like this; at least for a while; for the sheer joy of it; even just for coffee and another coffee; and another. 

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Forbidden things have a secret charm.














you asked me if i mind;
i don't;
as long as i get to spend time with you;
i went up your place;
i wanted to have a quick shower;
we did;
you touched, kissed me;
drove me mad;
for about 2 seconds;
we went out;
the three of us;
ordering;
couple set of beers;
dinner;
fries;
talking about work a little;
some life;
and a lot of music;
know someone odd;
however odd they may be;
they still have certain kind of charm;
we were touching each other under the table;
our legs;
our hands;
our fingers;
he is not stupid;
he will figure it out;
but we do not care;
you said you love it;
because this made you feel like a teenager again;
again.

Monday, August 14, 2017

Isolation is a way to know ourselves.
















all four of them said i am special and that i mean a lot to them;
i do not know how to cope with that kind of information.

Sunday, August 13, 2017

Sometimes the craziest things happen at the worst times for the best reasons.















i left the wedding dinner earlier because of you;
of course it was because of you;
so you can see me and my little black dress;
i was happy that i left early;
music, chit chat, long night, a lot of toss and turning, another guest room, dining table, your back, movie that left about 20 min, some songs you like, that we insisted to see each other; chocolate; coffee; breakfast noddle for lunch; be good and nice and kind to people; you used to be worse; me too; time management; your problem; my problem; all in no particular order;
you cried a little;
when you mentioned about a song;
and that you miss your son;
we do not have this shared memory together;
we never will;
i hold you;
i can only hold you;
i was telling you;
you are very sentimental;
i look at your new tattoo and i know;
you are a good man;
you are.

Friday, August 11, 2017

Listen to many, trust few.




















Because I have seen you cry. We were talking about songs. there's time when you drive - listening to a song and just cry for about 5 minutes; then you will be ok and to move on again; And you being emotional. And you miss him. And I don't want to find out why. I couldn't. Not now.

Thursday, August 10, 2017

I know. I’m very hard to talk to. I realize that.




















i still like you very much; what should i do?

you left office much earlier at 5; i couldn't believe it; things that people make you do when you are into them; you brought me towel and champagne; you said he must be wondering; you do not care what he thinks; you just want to spend time with me; enjoy the moment; we did; we had; in the brief night that we are able to have; i brought you to chinese again; telling you stuff; calling the night sandwich; bother by the dog a little; life is beautiful and short; always easier said than done; i like you and want to explore every single part of you; your eyes; your nose; your ears; your hair; your hands; your arms; your thigh; your feet, especially your feet; all the things you do (with me) remains a memory only (with me); i was playing your favourite song accidentally; i never do anything for anyone; should i begin to? for you?


i still like you very much; what should i do?


what should i do?

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

You told me my hands were soft because you had no idea what they’d touched.














we talked about a year off; i am willing; right at this moment; to be with you; to go on a year off; some where; we talked about you being more romantic than me; we talked about her; the pushing; the pressure; the way she wants to do something with you that should have becomes something natural simply because she just wants you to care for her to be close with her; even after 25 years; it is still there; i can not say for sure we will get along; it has been almost 15 years; along the way, all these while; i have put caring for other behind; i have been taken care of myself; i can spend time alone; for a long time; look for things to do; people watching; doing nothing; maybe read more; maybe write more; caring for other does not come automatically for me; i need to re-learn it; i will be still anxious; stubborn; i put everything under the context of making something bigger in comparison; the 5 minutes become a year; i would still stretch it and maximize it with you; because assuming out of your 80 years of living; if i can get one full year with you; that means that could still be a 5 minute for me full on with you that i wish not miss; would i be attach to you after; or split; at this moment; that is not what i am concern about; it is more on the process; how we can get along; how i want to get along with you; with each other; you say we are similar; perspective wise; this is just what we saying; we can't know for sure; we tend not to romanticize things too much; you were telling me about books you read that touched you; i mentioned a movie; numerous scenes that i imagine me and you that get me emotional; i do not know where do we go from here; one thing i know for sure; we are still going; keep on going and going and going.........

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

You intoxicated me. It was just as though you were making me love you by some invisible force.




















the simplest thing you said, touch me to no end:

i hurt you i know and this is the last thing i want to do;
things are out of control when i am with you....and i like this;
like to be with you;
like you so much;
like all;
i do not know how to explain you my feeling but the last things i want is to lose you;
is it love? maybe...i think...i do not know...do i have the right to love you? maybe not...
i hope i did not destroy everything; anything.


the truth is.............



you already have; had; did and will do it over and over again.

Monday, August 7, 2017

Be a little kinder than you have to.




















it was a shit day; you dropped your bag and came to me directly; your body, your face, your hair, your neck are all sticky; you can come here and shower with me; you complain about the traffic; you still made it; before 8; we did not wait; we were all over each other; you said you had a shit day; seeing me becomes the best part of the day; you said you always will know when you get up whether a day is going to be shit or no shit day; you are normally right; we talked randomly about work; a little about us; more about how we feel of each other; how we miss one another; how you think i am important; how you like that i remember small thing that means a lot to you; like the book i gave you; how i like the smell of your perfume even after a long day; how you can feel me all over; how this is not the type of good thing that you experienced; this is something different; something more intimate; more intense; more explosive; how i say we should not say perfect or awesome anymore; i feel the moment when we hit the point it is hard to describe and we felt us both at that very point each time where we can push even further until it really hurts; we went out for dinner after realise all the other options take too long; simple dinner; we joke around; more than ever; lightheartedly; you do not want to let me go; you do not think you have the right to; i do not own you; you said i am a good person although i do not feel so; too many things in my mind; we were talking about plan; you did not want to lie to me; and yet you do not have to share it all; you did because i insisted; i should have noticed when you just mumbling the words; i am too stupid to realise; too slow to notice; when you are into someone; it makes you do stupid things; im cool with it; surely she deserves this; you have planned this for 3 months and should have gotten it 3,4 years ago; now is the time; she will be on the right and i am on the other side; it was a real stupid joke but that did not make you an asshole; funny how just one line; that all it takes; i fall into this instant silence awkward moment; tear streamed down my face uncontrollably; it changes everything; you hope you did not break anything; you have already did; things will not go back to its original form; it saddens me when too many truth came out; that it makes me cry; that hated it that i am weak; vulnerable; sensitive; emotional; all in a matter of one month; i lost it; it used to take longer; i do not mind that you hiding from me the fact that you do not need to tell me all; i am more afraid that when i know too much and when it is time to let go i will not be able to; it is no longer about the right or entitlement of when do we get or do not get certain things; it is in the end a matter of feeling; which already happened; which will only continue to happen; you are wrong if you think i will rob you off your feelings; something you build up and committed to someone for 25 years of time; that is a long time; you are not the first; if anything you want to be sure of; be sure of this; i will be the first one to walk away; broken-hearted and in the end will still be fine; it has been 40 years this way; i plan to continue on; with or without you; because surely it is going to be without you; you thought of me; you said you care; you mind; you do not want me to get hurt; that is the last thing you want to do; we can't go back to the way it was before; it is too late; "you do not talk about your feelings, do you?"; "no i dont"; that what u said; because i notice; whatever you ask i will tell you the truth; why would i? why should i? how could i? it is a sick world; sicker than we imagine; is it love? infatuation? or something else? people get hurt; that is how we stay alive; in an unimaginable way.

Sunday, August 6, 2017

Real intimacy is only possible to the degree that we can be honest about what we are doing and feeling.




















you called a few times; apologize; you had business meeting and you need to socialise; you can't get out of it; although you would really love to see me; we make it to the next day; we saw us at noon; we watched a movie half way; we spent hours in bed; we went out for a late lunch then coffee; chit chat about "i dont mind"; a phrase you said too much; i notice; i point it out; what do you do mind: there are things; then you realise; me too; i said some other thing; like it is ok; we talk about everything and nothing; you do not want to give a shit sometimes; live your life; like "into the wild' type; everyone has obligation; in the end; that is life; then we bought a bottle of white wine; head home; fool around more; finish the movie; then we chit chat and had wine; went out for a short Chinese dinner; again talk about everything and nothing; we head back; chill out for a little more while; dog barking; rain falling; making noise whole night; you end up sleeping on the couch; i was happy; i did not want to care so much until you think i am into you when in fact i am already too into you; i know it will lead to no result, nevertheless; crazy how i heard the barking also all night; which i normally don't; i was awake at 6; i saw you sleeping outside; i wanted to care; fear of waking you; i saw you curl up on the sofa; i left it for another 90 mins; gently open my door again at 730; i saw you smile at me; you sweat a lot; i was embarrassed that my home is too small; that you feel hot; that the noise around you couldn't let you sleep and that i did not sleep together with you in the living room; we spent a little more time together; every seconds counts when i am able to spend with you; you brought me to a place for good croissant; good toast; good coffee; you asked me about my past relationship; i was strong; i know what i want; i was head strong; stubborn; dislike confrontation; yet want to solve problem; you are a guy that wants to talk about it now; you are a "this moment" kind of guy; no past; no future; just present; i talked about long distance too; i will have no doubt i would like to spend more time with you; you said you are lucky that you know me; now i am important to you; this is not the time i hear of it; things may change in a month time; moving around; different places; may start to do new visiting over the weekend; you may meet someone new; anything could happen; you said everyone needs someone; i said it is not easy; i have tried and i am also fine as how i am; i can get he words out to tell you that i miss you so; i am stuck in another useless circumstances; while we are saying we are having thing no string attached arrangement; whatever we are doing and sharing; has started us to build a line of string; invisibly - subtly and quietly; tell me again and again: "you turn me crazy, endlessly".

Saturday, August 5, 2017

I might not be in love, but I’m in like. I’m in serious like.




















You know the irony of this whole thing.

I don't even tell you a lot.

I thought I am standing outside this bubble not affected by anything but actually already getting involved.

This makes me happy and sad.

All this just in one month. One month.

I'm so useless.

Friday, August 4, 2017

Whatever life takes away from you, let it go.




















i said i trust you;
i have my doubt;
this is the first time in your life having such feeling;
surely;
you feel differently with everyone else;
this is what you feel with me;
and only with me;
in the end;
this;
i should not have any doubt;
which means a lot to you;
more than anything;
anything.

Thursday, August 3, 2017

Love someone who is kinder to you than you are to yourself.




















we use words like business; meeting; jokingly; just to cushion the impact that we know where we will deeply hurt each other; giving each other pain; consciously; or subconsciously; whether we like it or not. 

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Maybe I’m getting tired – I can’t think of anything but nights with you. I want them warm and silvery.




















we did not talked about the weekend; we were too into it; we texted each other; planning; rather last minute; i asked to meet; you said yesssssssssssss; i can sense your smile in your text; such wonderful feeling; i picked you up at 9; feel the thrill; this sensation of being with someone new; we joke about lightheartedly; you pushing limits and yet like to be in control; i ask you if you trust me; you do; it's a feeling; yes and no game; i wonder if that works for people who only know for a short time; a game that you can not lie; a game that shows your true color; you hiding feelings; because you know it will hurt people; you care about them and yet enjoy time being with me; we both know what we have gotten ourselves into; consciously; you said i am not a bad person; you are; i do not think; it takes two to tango; you told me about your life; how you envision it to be; live it to the fullest; about a few movies; music; the gambler - 'Fuck You" scene; it's a fuck all attitude rooted in you; nevertheless there is obligation; we are not together; we just enjoying our time; you are not hiding; we are not here to cause harm to anybody; we know it; i just nod; i could not agree; i listen; in the end; it is your life to live; i do not want to share so much; afraid that i may get in too deep; the parting will already be hard; although we only just met; a month ago; it is odd and yet it is real; anyway; i will not be part of it; could be just a smart part; briefly; temporarily; like how it is now; you addicted to a drug; to me; you like it; you have experience some of the best; the adrenaline rush; the thing you had with me you have not with anyone else; you make me feel special; that very particular feeling is unique; when you are fully into me; when you are there; i say stop; you stop for 2 seconds; you move again; i did not want you to; you make me want you then; continue on the motion; the slow and then hard thrusting motion; i can't get enough of it; every stroke makes me tremble; bring me the best sensation all over my body; you can feel it in and out of me; my heartbeat; your heartbeat; the sweat when your finger gently linger on my back; never know my own limit until now; discovering a brand new side; glowing with smile; i like that under we sit on the sofa under the dim light your head softly lie on my lap; we talk; i like the way you touch me; the way you put my hair behind my ears; the way you almost fall asleep on my bed; the way we listen to the train together; the way i caress you with my hand; to feel you; your inner thigh; your chest; your hair; your arm; your body; i like that you said i turn you crazy as you have to me; i like that even when you are away you think of me too; i like the way you make fun and cover your nose; i like the way you are naked, standing in the middle of my living room, slipping water; i like how we can be close with each other without feeling awkward; i like how you say we will still spend this weekend together; no mobile; no watch; just you and me; in this one life.

Monday, July 31, 2017

The more you love a memory, the stronger and stranger it becomes.




















you are back from your trip; 2 weeks fly by; you said you were tired and not sure if to cancel on me or not; i prepared dinner; a simple one; enough for us both; we were absolutely thrill to see us; not much words between us; i put on a new play list; mellow chill hit; we fooling about; you are really not a serious person deep down; i love your deep brown eyes; you love one of the songs; dr dre; in fact you just chill and enjoy the whole playlist; i got panic over small matter; i even cried; you calm me down; it's ok it's ok; you kept saying; look at me; im too clean; i want everything to be perfect; you grab hold of me; you take the chair; we did silly crazy hot stuff; you were telling me jokes; then seriously saying you have a tattoo on your back; i doubt you; you have to check? you asked me; i was unsure; i like how gentle you are; you still like how i stare at something when i think of nothing and that you stare at me; u said this is nsa; so everytime is the first time; everytime; i like the sound of your sleep; still it's time for you to leave and i just let you leave; just let you leave.

Silence is beautiful, not awkward. The human tendency to be afraid of something beautiful is awkward.




















you pick on the smallest thing; you are so insecure; i did not even think of it that way; i am relief and glad we are not talking to each other; i am not in your life; we did not begin anything; at all; at all!

Thursday, July 27, 2017

You are part of my existence, part of myself. You have been in every line I have ever read.















one says miss me;
one says want to see me soon;
one say will bring me something sweet and salty;
one say am afraid that i will leave because of the loss conversation;
when we translate time in a profoundly micro way;
everything changes;
things that used to feel important;
things that used to be not;
if he is talking to them or to her the way we do;
if it changes anything at all;
behind that tall body;
i need not know the reason;
because it will not make a difference anyway.

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

The great art of life is sensation, to feel that we exist, even in pain.














it was really hot;
we want more;
we talked;
he said he will take care of me;
i know he already has someone else;
it is ok;
words are just words;
i can just sit down;
breathe it in;
without thinking of it very much;
i think about another him;
three weeks away;
disrupting routine;
of him and family;
he should be happy;
i do not know what can i give;
i don't him to be in harm;
i am reforming the stategy;
how do we see each other next.

Sunday, July 23, 2017

Everything I’ve never done, I want to do with you.




















one of you is a mess;
another one missing me the whole time they are away;
everything we touch; make; do;
we want to indulge in it over and over again;
looking for ways to make plan;
for the days that may or may not come.

Thursday, July 20, 2017

Why are we embarrassed by silence? What comfort do we find in all the noise?















these few weeks i forgot how it is to be with you; i have many more things in mind; i start to compare; there is so much more out there; everything seems so small; all of the sudden; even when you ask me to wait; even when you ask me not to forget you; in a way; it is just difficult not to; eventually.

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

It’s possible to miss what you’ve never had, to mourn for it.




















when i say i wish i can see you tonight;
you said me too;
you asked me to wait for you;
i can hear the smile and your shyness behind that smile;
i say i will wait for you if you wait for me too;
then a 3 weeks gap in between;
we will now then see;
what will happen.

Friday, July 14, 2017

I was interested in everything and committed to nothing.














petillante;
it's a mark;
a small one;
the way we look and smile at each other;
the way you touch me when we sit across over dinner;
the way we share jokes;
the way you like my retro watch and say you will bring me yours;
the way you say you will bring me something and i ask you for a magnet;
the way we know each other in such a short time and that we already like each other;
monday, wednesday, saturday and wednesday;
i love him;
but i am not in love with him;
that is the conclusion i have for all these relationships i am having now;
it is a lot but i never feel so sure and clear in my head before;
although i kind of know it all along anyway.

Thursday, July 13, 2017

For the moment I am really very, very tired of everything - more than tired.




















i like your perfume; i remember your scent; i feel your warmth everywhere; evidence that you were here; take good care of you; that was the last thing you said to me before you leave; you had to see me because you are going away for 2 weeks; i met you last Monday; we had met for 4 times; we have this feeling and building connection; you like my home; it fits me; you become extremely funny which i did not realise the first night; i waited for you outside; i asked what you want; you said you want a drink; get something to eat and come back; you looked around; observing; smiling at me; i have a very comfortable feeling with you; somehow; in such a short period of time; we talked about men and women; the three boxes; the things we can do together; a short break in august; not so many things; enough to get us excited; for a while; at least.

Monday, July 10, 2017

There is beauty, heartbreaking beauty, everywhere.



















you were sick; you wanted to see me after you got better; we missed each other; dearly; even we only met briefly; it's the feeling; you said a friend is coming over; wont be able to meet same place; you are traveling soon as well; i slept over; we had dinner; a drink; simple way to spend an evening; telling light-hearted jokes; nothing serious or harmful; we know our boundaries; what line we do not cross; i miss more of the other one; we spoke constantly everyday; that feeling grew much more stronger and tighter; if one day you say we inevitable parted; you wish you can at least keep this deep connection; with you it is going to be brief and different; just like how i like it when you brush my hair away when i wake up in the morning; when i look at you; you tried to cover my eyes; i felt you are being shy; i like that in a man a little; that gesture is something he will never ever do; because i am in love with the both of you; in the same yet different ways. 

Thursday, July 6, 2017

Each time you happen to me all over again.




















second night; casually; same excitement and enthusiasm; you stuck in a jam; postponed a little bit later; still on time; you were getting dress; i offer to drive you there; we had a wonderful evening; light food; drinks; joke about; snack food with a question; that was pretty unforgettable; you love it and she did not; you find a way; you had your fair share of experience; not the first time; i feel safer; you are cute; gentle; sensual; kind; sexy; passionate; i would have told you in the end of the night anyway; just that coz you asked about it over dinner; i told you and said if you do not want to see me after that; i would understand; the same as i told him before; you said you understand and accepted me as i am; other than that the rest of my story was true; i feel you are genuine too; besides i did not expect to see you again; now that i did i have to tell you the truth; i like the way you touch me; kiss me; move me, care for me and talk with me; you are very funny and charming in your own way; slowly loosen up; tell me funny joke; doing silly impersonation; you like how i dress with my converse; expecting me to do so; because you said that is just so you; i have to agree; i like how you always ask me if i am ok; i asked you about secret; in the end; secret is not something you even ask; it remains as something you want to share or not; we are adult; we know our boundaries; we both now; we miss being with someone; physically more than anything; lust has a price tag on it; sometimes cost you more than just pleasure; hopefully this pain comes in a good cause; it feels too good to know that someone knows the boundaries.

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

You’ve such a lovely temperature.




















i like the depth of your eyes; the way you try to smile at me; the way we joke about we are going to have bad sex for 6 years; the way we getting comfortable with each other more and more; the way you insist of drinking even though in the beginning you did not want one; the way when i ask you whether you mind for me to have a drink and in the end you don't; the way you thank me because i left something behind and came back; the way you wanted to touch my hand and did not; the way you want to touch me and also did not; i like how honest you are; i like how you start to let go in life; i like how you have no intention to harm other and just enjoy life; i like how we stick with the 5 words game; i like the photo on your wall; i like how you make fun of me with my hands gently moving the sheets; i like you silently like me; i like that you know what you are doing and yet you still want to do it even though it may be wrong; i like in the end this could be the end of something or a beginning of another. 

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

Find things beautiful as much as you can, most people find too little beautiful.




















maybe this morning you and her did it; that's why you were late; i am not someone who can ask that; question that; i do not entitle to; i do not own you; as you do not own me; change my strategy over the weekend; just for fun; gotten some reactions; making contacts; reaching out; pouring in; unexpectedly; filter thru; went with one; massive headache; straight forward fun; drank too much; after a day; ask for more; met another time; chat chat; made meal; few puffs; back to usual life; then another spontaneous meet; meet anywhere; dinner; few beers; did not think much of it; very straight; serious looking; joke around a little at last; opening up; what would you do if no one is judging you; you mean now; to touch your hand; to kiss you; five words; was a pleasant surprise; the need of being out there; the need of feeling afraid; the need of being with someone; the need of being back home; the need of knowing i still have myself; the need of knowing somewhere i still can come back to; the need to feel safe where no one else can make me feel safe; the need to a self creating illusion; the need of telling myself over and over again - everything will finally be alright; just alright. 

Monday, July 3, 2017

There is, after all, a kind of happiness in unhappiness, if it’s the right unhappiness.




















first cut is the deepest; that how it started; i thought over the weekend we have nothing to talk about anymore; you finish my question because i was too slow; we talked about you drink too much in a gathering; new friends you make and talk with; the first guy that you really love; i remember that movie; maybe there's people you love; maybe there's people you married; i still have butterfly when i see you now; different type of butterfly; but i am still shy and nervous; still not sharing too much; afraid that i am breaking myself open to wide and hard for me to take it back; i am glad; even after a short weekend; we still have things to talk about; i like you new short hair; it makes you look younger; i did not tell you about my new encounter; i will save it for now until someday. 

Friday, June 30, 2017

Our eyes alone tell stories that words never could.




















So we continue to talk about conversation; no sex talk today at all; shockingly; you were telling me about a dream you had this morning; about someone you knew as a kid; how you guys drifted apart and what would you tell him if there will be a day you meet him during his sick time; how he was the opposite of you and how you felt left out; betrayed; this you did not even share with your brother; i re- frame the question not to say who you will tell this before me; just that who will you start this conversation with; surely you mention your family; we all should; just a matter on how to start; we have different view; things that I tell people; the thin line that i have with you; if i tell you more; should i go deeper; or should i withdraw and stay beside my wall; it's a constant mind fight; after i tell you; so then what now? what else? what can you do for me? nothing; yes, i figure; anyway, we have to admit that the way we started get us into this sharing notion on a deeper level; which is not something I can do anyone; perhaps something conventional; not me; my friends all know bit and pieces of me; you know about 80% the most; you said there's three way our relationship grow - that i give you this loving emotional feeling; that we have great sex and that we can talk deep; you say it's not a matter of time; that we know each other for such a short time and how we surprisingly connected; I think you may be right; to me it's more like who are you with and if that some are also sharing at the same level as deep as you.