You intoxicated me. It was just as though you were making me love you by some invisible force.

It shows that you care; by the way you rush over when you realise dinner wasn't delivered on time; we were supposed to have sushi and we made fun of it the whole night; we had pizza instead; you even have beers already packed; you were anticipating a beautiful night; so i don't have to worry about food; i do my revision; see you; spend a good evening together and so on; this is like every time you have the brightest idea to do something and it will go wrong; I just want you to be here; i do not really care what we eat; we had this crazy moment; on the table; again; in the bathroom; look at me; just look at me; you kept saying that; you made me feel very very safe; I don't know if I really make you better; I hope I do; i helped you with your ticket; we talked about our days; the more you use good and positive things about it; the more I feel funny about it; i watched you sign in cursive; i want to see it more; the way you want to and trying very hard to twist your thinking; you said being with me is the best part of your day; the way I touch you is really really special, something you don't feel with anyone else, I hope you are addicted to me, I hope you do not go, I hope you stay with me, in this tiny little space just between you and I, forever. I do love you, I can't change that; even if i want to try as hard as i want to.

We never talked for very long at a time. It was simply the pleasure of discovering what we each felt.

i really like the way how our conversation is going; both missing each other in a small way; i thank you for always caring for me; open up; giving me this safe little space to be with you; in this tiny box of ours; however long it may be; every moment that i manage to be with you is a bonus in my life; i am no where near perfect; just merely being who i am; i truly enjoy the time being with you; even though it comes with sadness; and you told me i am part of your life; no matter what, you will keep a space in your nothing box for me; i change your life; it maybe just a little; we did not change the world for sure; but who cares; we are having a good time; just you and me; that is what matters; i know i do not tell you my feelings a lot; but it does not mean my feeling is any less; when you come to think of it; you do not need to change the world; you just need to change mine; bit i like the idea to try with you; that one line embedded in my head and heart; ever since. 

I guess that’s just part of loving people: You have to give things up. Sometimes you even have to give them up.

on Friday you called; you are not going to spend the night with me; i was tempted with someone else; but my heart was with you; you were with your neighbors and friends; you have a life too; you say we going to see us on Saturday; i saw your right after my car service session; we had a long time together; i brought you to street food your first ever; then coffee; none of the coffee i brought you to was good so far; you don't mind; we hang out a bit more; listened to song list from your phone; giggling away; pretending to be like two teenagers who are in love; then realise i park too long and may get a ticket; we drove home; had a nap; listen to your snore; got up; had a coffee and watch a lousy movie; then decided to have dinner; you let me order; all the food you like it because there is nothing to benchmark with; it left special memory for the both of us; two big beers; nice meals; talking anything, nothing and everything; you are a good person; sometimes rude; defending your own principle in your own hard way; there was no dog; we slept thru the night; the night morning i was hesitated if i should ask you to meet next week; i was already crying; wrong playlist was on; i feel emotional; i feel sad; everything comes up at once; you hold me and say; will see me no matter what; you cant promise; but surely definitely we will see us; even though you don't know when; even though you will move down south; you do not want to talk about the future now; because you do not know; but you for sure will ask; when the days comes; eventually; we touched on family too; you made me cry; thinking about my own; you said i look strong, but i am not; a short person with a big heart; just as you are a tall person with your big heart; we are somewhat similar in a way; i never say this; i know i do not express myself a lot; that does not mean i do not love you or feel a lot less; on the contrary; i feel too much with you and it makes me afraid; the thought of losing you; scares me; and the worst thing is - this is not the first time. 

It’s been very rare to have known you, very strange and wonderful.

you finished your exam;
we wanted to meet;
on Wednesday night;
i bought some food;
ready to cook for you;
you are in your t-shirt and shorts casually;
i like that you don't shave and look so macho;
i never fall so fast in my life with a person;
i cook you simple prawn pasta and drinking riesling;
you guessed the wine right;
i was touching you all over with such nice music playing;
i do not ever want to forget any night that i have ever spent with you.

I, too, remember that feeling. You are caught between all that was and all that must be. You feel lost.

we do not want to save the world; we just want to know someone will be there; appreciate us; love us; care for us; we talked about how intense our encounter was; going up one click at a time; you said you hate when people just simply say to meet; never set a date when; you say if you want to meet; you will just arrange it and it's done; you are doing the same to me; you said we should go there; do this; have that; this restaurant; that bar and more; you are not making promises surely; just that you gave me many false impressions that we can have a lot of time together which we don't; you are just doing the same thing as everyone else.

I need to learn how to stop destroying myself, stop being hard on myself, and be nice to myself.

Friday night; i picked you up; you came to me and ask if it is ok to ask him to come along; surely; then you guys waled out together and got in my car; obviously he was all dressed up; i relief i did not say no; would be impolite then; French restaurant; ordering food; trying out; funny dessert; chit chatting; you praise on my English command; i went to the wash room; you followed; you hold me from behind; giving me compliment and you touch me gently; realising that i was really sexy and that you were such an idiot; we had numerous sessions; i stayed for a short while; the feeling is just too strong to say no to; too strong. 

You never get over it. But you get to where it doesn’t bother you so much.

we can't wait to see each other again; i texted yo after my visit; i did not even bother to take a rest; i just want to see you; the feeling to be able to see you again excites me; we went to a place called Mantra; had a few drinks; talking about nonsense; having you around me; this short-lived feeling; why can't i just enjoy this; this is too great; dog still barking to no end; sounds more consciously than ever the dog is there; you woke me at 3am; you said you just want to take a sip of the water and come back to bed; i didn't care; i know you couldn't sleep; i felt bad; i want to make a bed in the living room; so we can sleep together; let's go to the bed and wake up slowly; you helped me make the bed; you are part of my unforgettable moments too; in the end it's all in the small thing; small little thing; we had breakfast in a small cafe; we talk about being social; how to help; how to live; a lot of things; i know i should not justify being with you; it is no longer a matter of good or bad; right or wrong; it is a feeling; that is just right; that is all. 

You cannot fathom the distance I would travel for you.

you walked into my car; calmed down the excitement; Monday is just too long; but the feeling when we met; as you said; will be stronger; it was; you were in your short and t-shirt; casually; we can't kissed in front of your place; i understand; we got emotional last night; we had long time together; from 7 until 1; i finally asked you about her; i know at some point; this needs to come out; i was reluctant; to share with you; about things; you like me being shy; we had Chinese noodle; we still enjoy each other's company very very much; i told you about my exam time and the dinner time that i wanted to head out early so that i am able to be with you more; even today; i want to go and pick you up; even 5 more minutes with you to be is precious; this is another hole i dig myself and fall into; i am making this decision; to go on; like this; at least for a while; for the sheer joy of it; even just for coffee and another coffee; and another. 

Forbidden things have a secret charm.

you asked me if i mind;
i don't;
as long as i get to spend time with you;
i went up your place;
i wanted to have a quick shower;
we did;
you touched, kissed me;
drove me mad;
for about 2 seconds;
we went out;
the three of us;
ordering;
couple set of beers;
dinner;
fries;
talking about work a little;
some life;
and a lot of music;
know someone odd;
however odd they may be;
they still have certain kind of charm;
we were touching each other under the table;
our legs;
our hands;
our fingers;
he is not stupid;
he will figure it out;
but we do not care;
you said you love it;
because this made you feel like a teenager again;
again.

Isolation is a way to know ourselves.

all four of them said i am special and that i mean a lot to them;
i do not know how to cope with that kind of information.

Sometimes the craziest things happen at the worst times for the best reasons.

i left the wedding dinner earlier because of you;
of course it was because of you;
so you can see me and my little black dress;
i was happy that i left early;
music, chit chat, long night, a lot of toss and turning, another guest room, dining table, your back, movie that left about 20 min, some songs you like, that we insisted to see each other; chocolate; coffee; breakfast noddle for lunch; be good and nice and kind to people; you used to be worse; me too; time management; your problem; my problem; all in no particular order;
you cried a little;
when you mentioned about a song;
and that you miss your son;
we do not have this shared memory together;
we never will;
i hold you;
i can only hold you;
i was telling you;
you are very sentimental;
i look at your new tattoo and i know;
you are a good man;
you are.

Listen to many, trust few.

Because I have seen you cry. We were talking about songs. there's time when you drive - listening to a song and just cry for about 5 minutes; then you will be ok and to move on again; And you being emotional. And you miss him. And I don't want to find out why. I couldn't. Not now.

I know. I’m very hard to talk to. I realize that.

i still like you very much; what should i do?

you left office much earlier at 5; i couldn't believe it; things that people make you do when you are into them; you brought me towel and champagne; you said he must be wondering; you do not care what he thinks; you just want to spend time with me; enjoy the moment; we did; we had; in the brief night that we are able to have; i brought you to chinese again; telling you stuff; calling the night sandwich; bother by the dog a little; life is beautiful and short; always easier said than done; i like you and want to explore every single part of you; your eyes; your nose; your ears; your hair; your hands; your arms; your thigh; your feet, especially your feet; all the things you do (with me) remains a memory only (with me); i was playing your favourite song accidentally; i never do anything for anyone; should i begin to? for you?


i still like you very much; what should i do?


what should i do?

You told me my hands were soft because you had no idea what they’d touched.

we talked about a year off; i am willing; right at this moment; to be with you; to go on a year off; some where; we talked about you being more romantic than me; we talked about her; the pushing; the pressure; the way she wants to do something with you that should have becomes something natural simply because she just wants you to care for her to be close with her; even after 25 years; it is still there; i can not say for sure we will get along; it has been almost 15 years; along the way, all these while; i have put caring for other behind; i have been taken care of myself; i can spend time alone; for a long time; look for things to do; people watching; doing nothing; maybe read more; maybe write more; caring for other does not come automatically for me; i need to re-learn it; i will be still anxious; stubborn; i put everything under the context of making something bigger in comparison; the 5 minutes become a year; i would still stretch it and maximize it with you; because assuming out of your 80 years of living; if i can get one full year with you; that means that could still be a 5 minute for me full on with you that i wish not miss; would i be attach to you after; or split; at this moment; that is not what i am concern about; it is more on the process; how we can get along; how i want to get along with you; with each other; you say we are similar; perspective wise; this is just what we saying; we can't know for sure; we tend not to romanticize things too much; you were telling me about books you read that touched you; i mentioned a movie; numerous scenes that i imagine me and you that get me emotional; i do not know where do we go from here; one thing i know for sure; we are still going; keep on going and going and going.........

You intoxicated me. It was just as though you were making me love you by some invisible force.

the simplest thing you said, touch me to no end:

i hurt you i know and this is the last thing i want to do;
things are out of control when i am with you....and i like this;
like to be with you;
like you so much;
like all;
i do not know how to explain you my feeling but the last things i want is to lose you;
is it love? maybe...i think...i do not know...do i have the right to love you? maybe not...
i hope i did not destroy everything; anything.


the truth is.............



you already have; had; did and will do it over and over again.

Be a little kinder than you have to.

it was a shit day; you dropped your bag and came to me directly; your body, your face, your hair, your neck are all sticky; you can come here and shower with me; you complain about the traffic; you still made it; before 8; we did not wait; we were all over each other; you said you had a shit day; seeing me becomes the best part of the day; you said you always will know when you get up whether a day is going to be shit or no shit day; you are normally right; we talked randomly about work; a little about us; more about how we feel of each other; how we miss one another; how you think i am important; how you like that i remember small thing that means a lot to you; like the book i gave you; how i like the smell of your perfume even after a long day; how you can feel me all over; how this is not the type of good thing that you experienced; this is something different; something more intimate; more intense; more explosive; how i say we should not say perfect or awesome anymore; i feel the moment when we hit the point it is hard to describe and we felt us both at that very point each time where we can push even further until it really hurts; we went out for dinner after realise all the other options take too long; simple dinner; we joke around; more than ever; lightheartedly; you do not want to let me go; you do not think you have the right to; i do not own you; you said i am a good person although i do not feel so; too many things in my mind; we were talking about plan; you did not want to lie to me; and yet you do not have to share it all; you did because i insisted; i should have noticed when you just mumbling the words; i am too stupid to realise; too slow to notice; when you are into someone; it makes you do stupid things; im cool with it; surely she deserves this; you have planned this for 3 months and should have gotten it 3,4 years ago; now is the time; she will be on the right and i am on the other side; it was a real stupid joke but that did not make you an asshole; funny how just one line; that all it takes; i fall into this instant silence awkward moment; tear streamed down my face uncontrollably; it changes everything; you hope you did not break anything; you have already did; things will not go back to its original form; it saddens me when too many truth came out; that it makes me cry; that hated it that i am weak; vulnerable; sensitive; emotional; all in a matter of one month; i lost it; it used to take longer; i do not mind that you hiding from me the fact that you do not need to tell me all; i am more afraid that when i know too much and when it is time to let go i will not be able to; it is no longer about the right or entitlement of when do we get or do not get certain things; it is in the end a matter of feeling; which already happened; which will only continue to happen; you are wrong if you think i will rob you off your feelings; something you build up and committed to someone for 25 years of time; that is a long time; you are not the first; if anything you want to be sure of; be sure of this; i will be the first one to walk away; broken-hearted and in the end will still be fine; it has been 40 years this way; i plan to continue on; with or without you; because surely it is going to be without you; you thought of me; you said you care; you mind; you do not want me to get hurt; that is the last thing you want to do; we can't go back to the way it was before; it is too late; "you do not talk about your feelings, do you?"; "no i dont"; that what u said; because i notice; whatever you ask i will tell you the truth; why would i? why should i? how could i? it is a sick world; sicker than we imagine; is it love? infatuation? or something else? people get hurt; that is how we stay alive; in an unimaginable way.

Real intimacy is only possible to the degree that we can be honest about what we are doing and feeling.

you called a few times; apologize; you had business meeting and you need to socialise; you can't get out of it; although you would really love to see me; we make it to the next day; we saw us at noon; we watched a movie half way; we spent hours in bed; we went out for a late lunch then coffee; chit chat about "i dont mind"; a phrase you said too much; i notice; i point it out; what do you do mind: there are things; then you realise; me too; i said some other thing; like it is ok; we talk about everything and nothing; you do not want to give a shit sometimes; live your life; like "into the wild' type; everyone has obligation; in the end; that is life; then we bought a bottle of white wine; head home; fool around more; finish the movie; then we chit chat and had wine; went out for a short Chinese dinner; again talk about everything and nothing; we head back; chill out for a little more while; dog barking; rain falling; making noise whole night; you end up sleeping on the couch; i was happy; i did not want to care so much until you think i am into you when in fact i am already too into you; i know it will lead to no result, nevertheless; crazy how i heard the barking also all night; which i normally don't; i was awake at 6; i saw you sleeping outside; i wanted to care; fear of waking you; i saw you curl up on the sofa; i left it for another 90 mins; gently open my door again at 730; i saw you smile at me; you sweat a lot; i was embarrassed that my home is too small; that you feel hot; that the noise around you couldn't let you sleep and that i did not sleep together with you in the living room; we spent a little more time together; every seconds counts when i am able to spend with you; you brought me to a place for good croissant; good toast; good coffee; you asked me about my past relationship; i was strong; i know what i want; i was head strong; stubborn; dislike confrontation; yet want to solve problem; you are a guy that wants to talk about it now; you are a "this moment" kind of guy; no past; no future; just present; i talked about long distance too; i will have no doubt i would like to spend more time with you; you said you are lucky that you know me; now i am important to you; this is not the time i hear of it; things may change in a month time; moving around; different places; may start to do new visiting over the weekend; you may meet someone new; anything could happen; you said everyone needs someone; i said it is not easy; i have tried and i am also fine as how i am; i can get he words out to tell you that i miss you so; i am stuck in another useless circumstances; while we are saying we are having thing no string attached arrangement; whatever we are doing and sharing; has started us to build a line of string; invisibly - subtly and quietly; tell me again and again: "you turn me crazy, endlessly".

I might not be in love, but I’m in like. I’m in serious like.

You know the irony of this whole thing.

I don't even tell you a lot.

I thought I am standing outside this bubble not affected by anything but actually already getting involved.

This makes me happy and sad.

All this just in one month. One month.

I'm so useless.

Whatever life takes away from you, let it go.

i said i trust you;
i have my doubt;
this is the first time in your life having such feeling;
surely;
you feel differently with everyone else;
this is what you feel with me;
and only with me;
in the end;
this;
i should not have any doubt;
which means a lot to you;
more than anything;
anything.

Love someone who is kinder to you than you are to yourself.

we use words like business; meeting; jokingly; just to cushion the impact that we know where we will deeply hurt each other; giving each other pain; consciously; or subconsciously; whether we like it or not. 

Maybe I’m getting tired – I can’t think of anything but nights with you. I want them warm and silvery.

we did not talked about the weekend; we were too into it; we texted each other; planning; rather last minute; i asked to meet; you said yesssssssssssss; i can sense your smile in your text; such wonderful feeling; i picked you up at 9; feel the thrill; this sensation of being with someone new; we joke about lightheartedly; you pushing limits and yet like to be in control; i ask you if you trust me; you do; it's a feeling; yes and no game; i wonder if that works for people who only know for a short time; a game that you can not lie; a game that shows your true color; you hiding feelings; because you know it will hurt people; you care about them and yet enjoy time being with me; we both know what we have gotten ourselves into; consciously; you said i am not a bad person; you are; i do not think; it takes two to tango; you told me about your life; how you envision it to be; live it to the fullest; about a few movies; music; the gambler - 'Fuck You" scene; it's a fuck all attitude rooted in you; nevertheless there is obligation; we are not together; we just enjoying our time; you are not hiding; we are not here to cause harm to anybody; we know it; i just nod; i could not agree; i listen; in the end; it is your life to live; i do not want to share so much; afraid that i may get in too deep; the parting will already be hard; although we only just met; a month ago; it is odd and yet it is real; anyway; i will not be part of it; could be just a smart part; briefly; temporarily; like how it is now; you addicted to a drug; to me; you like it; you have experience some of the best; the adrenaline rush; the thing you had with me you have not with anyone else; you make me feel special; that very particular feeling is unique; when you are fully into me; when you are there; i say stop; you stop for 2 seconds; you move again; i did not want you to; you make me want you then; continue on the motion; the slow and then hard thrusting motion; i can't get enough of it; every stroke makes me tremble; bring me the best sensation all over my body; you can feel it in and out of me; my heartbeat; your heartbeat; the sweat when your finger gently linger on my back; never know my own limit until now; discovering a brand new side; glowing with smile; i like that under we sit on the sofa under the dim light your head softly lie on my lap; we talk; i like the way you touch me; the way you put my hair behind my ears; the way you almost fall asleep on my bed; the way we listen to the train together; the way i caress you with my hand; to feel you; your inner thigh; your chest; your hair; your arm; your body; i like that you said i turn you crazy as you have to me; i like that even when you are away you think of me too; i like the way you make fun and cover your nose; i like the way you are naked, standing in the middle of my living room, slipping water; i like how we can be close with each other without feeling awkward; i like how you say we will still spend this weekend together; no mobile; no watch; just you and me; in this one life.