Tuesday, March 31, 2015

What a man is contributes much more to his happiness than what he has, or how he is regarded by others.

just be bold enough to admit certain things, rather than implying the "i dont care what you do", "i dont mind" kind of attitude which i am not interested at all besides that is also very very uninteresting, it becomes boring after a while.

when you told me we seeing each other "casually" yesterday, i had the same reaction when you said "i come to see you all the way for the sex", (well difference is i didnt cry and walk out half way sitting on you, i couldn't anyway! :P)  you maybe right but that doesn't make the fact that i really want to see you less true.

think about it.

Saturday, March 28, 2015

All endings are also beginnings; we just don't know it at the time.

I forget when was the last time i leave judgement behind.
I was never good at confrontation.  In fact i never good at anything. 
All i do is hide and getting into my own kind of mode. 
People say im melodramatic, sensitive, hopeless and weak. Maybe they are right. I never really care much anyway.
So here i am. Escaping them. Escaping you.  What am i trying to achieve? I don't know.  Im not sure anymore. 

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

A man can be destroyed but not defeated.

That i can walk away.
That i want to please you.
That i no longer need to.
That i am just living my life.
That i am just being me.

Monday, March 23, 2015

The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook.

i am sick and tired of always telling you that i am not good enough for you. i am good enough for myself, i am the person i want myself to be.

i will only be good enough if you think i am good enough, otherwise i will never be and will always have to change myself to accommodate you, by not being myself.

i also often confuse when you tell me that i am good enough, i have a strong character, this and that and then some but always lacking in some other, are you praising me or condemning me or simply being sarcastic?

i truly believe if you love someone, you will let them be, the best and worst version of themselves, you compromise and you love them for being who they are. this is not a defend mechanism, i am good and i know so, With you, i always have to argue my way and defend myself to find my place somehow, im getting tired of it.

no one can ask you to change your mind about me, if even yourself find me not worthy of your love. (or is there love?)

i guess what this weekend all about is that we talked about everything and nothing, you also told me that you are not ready, you have your reservation because it will take too much to lose your so called freedom, it will take too much for you to back down and it will take too much for things to change. is this the reason why she and you can never work out, because none of you will compromise each other's life and back down, both of you are too strong headed and opinionated on each other's view and can stand no one. we know a lot of things all along and yet we went round circle talking about the same old thing. this is really like a broken record. we cant move forward.

honestly, i dont know how our life is going to be, i dont even know what will happen tomorrow, one thing for sure is that, the time that i have spent with you, you brought things on the table i value, like your advice, your no bull sit attitude, excluding your sadness and some of your outlook in life which i dont necessarily agree but i can say you are a straight forward guy, you care for me like no other and i appreciate that. (maybe i dont make you feel anything, hence you dont feel i am bringing anything to the table)

i do not want you to bring yourself down to any lower level, and i dont necessary get to climb up to your level. what have i offer you thus far? is there anything you value out of me? if the answer is no then i dont understand why are you sticking around. i see a reason for me to, but i dont see yours? now after a year, dont you think it is no longer about me upping my game, it is just a matter of are we or can we accept each other of who we are. have we try hard enough to work things out to be with each other?

i dont know if there can be a black and white/ cut and dried answer to that, if there is, thing will be much more easier for both you and I.

we know nothing about love and yet only love can sustain this to make us feel alive, otherwise everything we are talking about start to feel like business proposition where we are together because we have certain value to offer, that we can use each other and that's all.

i am not apologizing for this mail being ruthless and blunt, sick of being nice to each other, maybe the truth is this kind of words need to be said so it will be out of the way and makes us re-think of this whole relationship, or was there even a relationship to begin with?

Sunday, March 22, 2015

Self-respect is the root of discipline: The sense of dignity grows with the ability to say no to oneself.

if i am climbing out of a hole just to get into another hole of the same thing;
trust me, i will do nothing but walk away from it;
you have been good, then i realise, you are no less than who i have been made me suppress as i am with all these years, if it's not much worse;
you were the one that said: i can leave. i can walk away.





Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Monday, March 16, 2015

sometimes is good, sometimes is bad.

you call this morning to check on me;
you dont used to do that anymore;
since you wanted a break;
i was quite surprise;
i didnt cry;
being my usual cut and dried self;
what else can i do?
i have to be ok and life goes on, right?

Sunday, March 15, 2015

The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget.

i thought we will continue as it is;
then you tell me you need time off;
i thought it will be very clear cut;
no call, no text, no email, no communication for a while;
but you say you will still be around;
you will still be available if i need to see you;
what all this means?
i have plan for you to do things together;
now can i still?
sometimes i rather you be cut and dried to me;
maybe that will be best;
rather than get stuck in the middle of everything and nothing;
your birthday is coming soon;
we are planning to see each other;
what about your break?
have you thought about things you supposed to thought about?
you seems to not remember things that  i once say or misinterpret it;
it's either you be clear with me; or stay the fuck out of my life;
i know there's one thing still bothers you until now;
the only thing;
if you cannot let go;
then maybe i should.

let's meet next and decide whether its time to say Goodbye.

Saturday, March 14, 2015

Take time to deliberate; but when the time for action arrives, stop thinking and go in.

i ask you to lemme know things so i will not be sitting in the dark;
you say you can do that;
i ask you maybe to be a  bit more cut and dried;
you say you can do that too;
in the end;
i do not know anymore what you can and can not do.

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

When times are good, you appreciate them, and when times are bad, you know they don’t need to last forever. Instead of sitting there wallowing in it, you get on with it.

because there is nothing i can say or do to make you happy;

because no matter what you will not be encouraged;

because your mother is already gone;

because you never have the intention to live;

because you never have the intention to die, either;

because you will never change;

because i will never change;


because we can be together and make great things;

because you dont want to;


because i dont want to;

what could be better for two individual that dont want to, not ready, never can change to be together?

i cant think of anything else;

goodbye my lover;

please know that i did love you even before you say that you love me.

Monday, March 9, 2015

Every experience is a form of exploration

i really really miss you;

can i tell you that honestly?

and you will forgive me?


We judge ourselves by what we feel capable of doing, while others judge us by what we have already done.

i think i suddenly realise;

you may have lost the ability to love and live;

that scares me and makes me wonder why i still cling onto you.

The entire sum of existence is the magic of being needed by just one person.

3min(s) 9sec(s)

you tell me you call me just to tell me you have not forgotten about me;

if you are not taking me in;

what is the point?

what is the point?

does that mean i missed out my chances when you asked me that question, that day, that time?

or i was doing the right thing because i dont think you will be able to pull it thru if i were to reply yes to that question of yours, that day, that time.

Sunday, March 8, 2015

Courage is doing what you're afraid to do. There can be no courage unless you're scared.

im sick and tired of your bs;
i may never say it;
im too polite;
i dont want to be rude;
you are nobody for me;
im saying just for sex;
you saying all this nonsense;
this and that;
means nothing to me at all;

i just want to be quiet;
for a moment;
just one moment;
yet you just keep on yapping away;
non stop;

non stop.

it makes me miss him even more.

Saturday, March 7, 2015

Absence diminishes commonplace passions and enhances great ones.

so when they say:"i have to deal with my own shit, it's not your fault"; that is actually a lame excuse;

there is nothing right or wrong about this;

that just simply means they are selfish people;

much like everybody else;

and they said it first.

Thursday, March 5, 2015

Wisdom begins in wonder.


today is the very first day we have no contact with each other at all;
no phone call;
no skype;
no SMS;

work was boring and slow;
i miss you very much;
wish i can talk about anything;

the pre lunch time call;

the at home call;

i met up with a friend;
totally not interested in his story anymore;
seems like a drag;
if you are in love with someone and if she matters;
you will work hard for it;
i believe that;

i want to start over;
i want to be proper;
i want to do a lot of things;

i bind my assignment ready to submit this weekend;

my brother started to get busy with his new house;
i will be living by myself soon;
for the very first time in 37 years;
i will be living alone;

i am looking forward to it.

i miss you;
so so much.


Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power;

bad news normally attracted to each other and all happens in once;

you told me you need "the break";

so we begin - i can't pretend we are still we are and go on living normally telling every day to day thing;

i really wish you put these few months into good use;

the other you came back;

nothing change

still long winded;

with excuses;

no indication of really working hard to make it work;

whole lot of survival mode bullshit;

life goes on regardless;

no one is indispensable.

there is just life.

and i miss you;

i really do;

very very much.

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

He felt that he could forgive anything to anyone, because happiness was the greatest agent of purification.


1 missed call;
i was in the middle of something;
endless pfffft;
i called back;
you did not pick up;
i know things will never be the same;
i cannot pretend we are still the same;
how can i tell you about my day anymore;
i know you care but i also know you need the time and space;

i cannot.

just go back and do your work,
these are my final words;

you never call after, no more call after, no more.

Wisdom comes alone through suffering.

you have made your decision, i respect that. i wish you all the best in finding what you looking for.

i am no less lonely and helpless than you do, life goes on. living is in the everyday life. everyone has their own shit to deal with. being together seems to make it a little bit bearable, at least to me. i am sorry you dont feel that way.

looking back knowing you for a year, you taught me how to talk a lot, be vocal and stand up for myself, when you have someone caring for you, things are different.

maybe i didn't contribute much in this relationship, being kind is apparently not enough.

i do not know what these few months will do. there's may be something or there may be nothing. i cant let you do things you are not ready for, that will not be fair.

i can need you but i also can tell myself not needing you to give you the space & time you need to think things thru.

it's a cliche, but if someone truly matter to you, you respect  them and set them free. now seems to be that moment. i care for you William and i really want you to be well.

If i cant help you with that, at least i can give you the space you need.

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

You meet new people for a reason. They're going to be either a blessing or a lesson.

i try to act strong but when the news come, it still hurts.


i saw you over the weekend;
and then i saw you again because you have a meeting;
i was so happy;
you can see that im happy;
we got very chatty at the Japanese restaurant;
say "please, always say "please";
a lot of things i know but never care;
you have taught me to care;
i thought i never would, again;
i thought we were going to be together;
i guess my reply is too much for you to take;
then i receive a note saying that you needed a break;
finally it came;
im not sure what to say;
im not the pressing type;
i trust you have your own reason;
i trust you may not be ready;
i trust maybe i am not the one;

you still call me and talk to me about her;
i dont know what to say;
i am feeling sad at the moment that we parted;
the rest of things dont seem to matter anymore;

too many things too many thoughts too little time;
im letting it be;
im letting it go;
for now.

please be very well, i want you to be well.

Monday, March 2, 2015

The manner in which it is given is worth more than the gift.

a year ago, i used to think we have not enough memories of each other to go on to stay together; 

now that you left all i think about is you.