Saturday, April 30, 2016

Those who are willing to be vulnerable move among mysteries.

We do not do everything just simply because we can, do we?
We have developed clear understanding about that.
There is line that we don't cross, no matter how much we love each other, in the end there is still boundary and wall that we do not break.

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

You can’t write a script in your mind and then force yourself to follow it. You have to let yourself be.

He saw me wearing a new watch;
How much;
It’s a gift;
Graduation gift;
From someone?
Someone who?
Just someone….
We looked at each other and smile;
As long as you are happy;
He said;
You always; always need a friend like that;

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

What we know of other people is only our memory of the moments during which we knew them.

you insisted that you needed to see me; that is is not goodbye; we set a time and will meet early morning before you head off to the airport; at Starbucks; for 15 minutes;  that is all the time you have for me; i really wonder what can we do with that; i arrived early; as usual; waiting anxiously with my coffee; in from of me whole stacks of paper and i realise i have not been out so early to places for a long time; you were running late; i got more anxious and ask to cancel the meet; i didn't want you to be late; being on time especially to the airport is a pet-peeves for me; i asked if you could cancel the ride; you said yes and you paid the guy; i was stupid enough to believe of course you can cancel as long as you paid the full amount and it was wasted because i offered to send you and you said yes; every single seconds that i was able to squeeze out of you as long as you are with me longer; we will take it; both of us without any objection; it's not the money; it's the precious time; it was a 45 minutes ride; we arrived on time; the thing is i wrote you a letter; a goodbye letter; but i am too weak to just drop everything to let you go; why can't i for once hold on to my own happiness and be this selfish bastard and ignore what other people might think and to just be with you already; i dont care about other people feeling because i just want to be with you; you were happy that we were a little selfish; that we are not Saint; at least i am not and i never will be; we just have to prepare and accept the fact that this hurts that we are allowing now; will blow out of the proportion if one day we really have to be part; 你需要去做好心理准备去面对你在未来所会受的伤害;而且这是一种很重很重的伤害;这是你必须要知道的;到最后你也必须要自己去面对;所有的所有于人无由;要记住;we gave each other long hug and kisses; you gave me a watch; something for me to remember you by if we parted this time; but we did not; hence the watch is a gift for me; forever; and i wanted to give you my ring; i thought that would be too much; so i wrote two letters and slip it in books instead; you do not need to return it back to me; you can keep them; and i gave you instruction which letter to read; in the end you still got it wrong; i do not care so much about that now; we are breaking walls; leading each other to a deeper level of emotions; the kind that you will allow slowly a person to get in; like i decide now we could stay; we feel more free because we want each other so badly; i like you for being clumsy; that is the you i  know; i do not want you any other way anyway; not ever; i love you for who you are; despite the hard circumstances; like the movie say; maybe there's people you love; maybe there's people you marry; in the end; it goes back to the choices that we made; we continue on and miss each other terribly; the distance and time difference didn't tear us apart; it strengthens it; at least for now; i am looking forward to have you in my arms already while you were still in my arms that morning when we parted in the airport.

ich liebe dich, very very much, forever. 

Sunday, April 24, 2016

To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.

3 weeks; finally we meet again; all the enthusiasm and excitement building up; I had an one whole day plan out for you; movie; massage; dinner at a nice Thai restaurant; I was glad you took the time despite the difficulty to meet me; you were on a different train and came out of a different exit; im still excited to see you; as you were telling me these days whenever you listen to the song I gave you; you will get excited and even sometimes reading the text I send you; all that I feel so strongly with you still; the surprises; all the heart shape; the kisses and hugs; all my preparation did not go to vain; the cakes; the birthday gifts; the candles; the air-cond problem; little things like wine glasses; breakfast; bubble gum; all the folded heart; Riesling that we both like; coffee; you insisted to get me coffee the next day; we were deciphering the personality test; chit chatting; I had the day all planned out in a piece of paper; pick you up; surprise you in a nice hotel room that close to the mall; you like it and im glad you did; I blindfolded you and made you listen to music the whole way; still then you realize I wasn’t bring you to my home; it was some place else; the key doesn’t work; I ran down and get the key problem resolve; you waited; you didn’t even take a peek; you like it when i get all excited and nervous; we broke our intimacy promise; we couldn’t; it is impossible to be with you without touching, kissing, caressing and getting intimate; it just impossible; then the whole day all went well because we were just agreed on all that we want to do; went for a movie; talk about things less politely; talk to each other more openly; after the movie; we went to our house to just relax a little before our dinner; which I brought you to a nice Thai restaurant and we even walked there; the weather was nice and I really enjoyed; the only problem was your shoes and you got blister; but I know because you were anxious to go with me and you totally forgot about that; in the end it was fine until I brought up about that question; in a way Im glad I did because I guess in the end I still want to know where are we going and how are we going to be; it brought up a really sad part of our whole relationship thinking that we may end it tonight; I was sad; coz people may get hurt and I don’t want that; after the dinner; we took a cab back home and then I sent you back; this was a struggle for us all even from 3 months ago; I checked back the letter I wrote to you; I came back again; thought about it;  and I write you another; I truly understand the inconvenience circumstances we facing but that really doesn’t stop me from keep on loving you where the wave of emotions is just too strong to resist; I was happy I send you off to the airport this morning; I waited for you in front of the Starbucks like we said we would; you were late; i was anxious; until the send off finally; we parted happily with smiles on ourselves; then I relies that is still not goodbye; at least not yet.

I wanted everything to be perfect and yet it was the imperfection that has made last weekend perfect; 

Saturday, April 23, 2016

Friday, April 22, 2016

One should absorb the colour of life, but one should never remember its details. Details are always vulgar.

i want to love you;
i want to love you for a long time; the question is will you let me? can i? will the circumstances allow it?

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

The only regret I will have in dying is if it is not for love.

Im naive enough to think. Can i love him the way i love you? Maybe i can remotely try to? And with you always in my mind? Is that cheating? And i will be an unfaithful person for the rest of my life?

Saturday, April 16, 2016

memories of you....

green car; white shirt; black pants; day trips; thinking out loud; movies; nose games; the way you dry me off and kiss my nipple when I step out of the shower; when you gave me a toothbrush the first night I sleep over; 6am surprise visit; quick drop by only to find me not at home; your smell; your sweat; the moment we miss each other so much and that we don't even care we didn't have sex; the book you read; the book I read; red pants; soft hair; converse shirt; the way you multitask when you are brushing your teeth; the way you make a face when you are thinking; the way you know that I know that we are thinking about the same thing; how we like it most in Starbucks; my iPod; your reaction; the time you drop me in the water I choke and you panic a little then kept on apologizing; the list can only grows; there is no stoping now; at all. 

No one is you and that is your power.

The thing is i hurt too.
I too need the time
To think back
To heal
To go on
I am not as strong as you think i am
I break down too
I had enough
Ive done enough
Been taking for granted
Sometimes thing happened it hits you and make me realize
If i die now i would have no regret
If they die now i would have feel no guilt
What is he trying to prove
That he is better than me
I remember your fault
That can never be erased so dont you dare stand there judge me and say that you are better than me
I just have to accept the fact that i will be pulling thru this weekend alone
The thing is i dont even feel guilty about it
It is more liberating than ever
I haven't been spending lots of alone time. The kind of alone time i would not have imagine. 
Even if i need to lie.

Friday, April 15, 2016

There are all kinds of addicts, I guess. We all have pain. And we all look for ways to make the pain go away.

I am sitting at a cafe looking out at the sea in front of me right now.  This weekend is the only weekend i had all by myself completely.  For 36 years i never lived alone, i always been surrounded by family, even when i am having my alone time i dont feel completely by myself.  I am not sure if this weekend helps me a lot.  To do some thinking.  Contemplate and reflect on things. 
I always tend to think too much.  That's my problem.

Very soon i will be living on my own, i dont feel particularly happy or sad, even for this weekend i avoided my responsibility and i didn't get to spend time with the one person i care about most now. 
I don't think is because he didn't need me. It is just because we are on a different route now. A route that potentially make us or break us. There is no right and wrong about all this. Its just the choices we make. Once we do we take it head on and move forward. 

What else can i say?

Thursday, April 14, 2016

I loved him very much - more than I could trust myself to say - more than words had power to express.

you stopped abruptly and went back to her; you said sorry; how can i say i do not care; i am caring it so much it hurts; it hurts me to see you go back to her; it hurts me to see that you can just stop with me; for this in the long run i can not bear; i know what i need to do; you keep holding on and you ask me if i really want to let go; i do not want to; but what choice do i have; i have been always looking out for people; it is time for me to look out for me too; i am not stupid and naive; you will not part with her and i do not stand a chance; so tell me again that you really understand what i am trying to say which i doubt it; i strongly doubt it.

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

I miss you deeply, unfathomably, senselessly, terribly.

you mentioned about her again;

you say it is not about revenge;

then is it about love?

i am confuse to what it is;

i am not sure what is this about anymore;


Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Love doesn’t just sit there, like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; remade all the time, made new.

how can feeling runs so deep?
i saw you online for a while; the time is longer that you spend online with me; of course you do; with her you have to; who am i to you? i am your secret love affair; nobody can know; nobody should know; and yet i am still sickeningly latch onto you; crave for you; long for you; even though i know this is so very wrong.
this is when i really realize for 38 years of my life how does it really feel to fall in love with someone; completely; without asking anything in return; at all.

i love you;
i want you and her to be happy;
even if this means goodbye;
i will do it;
but i need to know from you;
i need to know that you will be happy;
very very happy;
with or without me;
even if without being with me;
even if i know i will be unhappy for the rest of my life;

i will do it;
i would.

Monday, April 11, 2016

If you don’t turn your life into a story, you just become a part of someone else’s story.

Honestly i dont think i can tell you where i am right now?
Will you think im out of my mind?
I never even call you once the whole time simply because i know you need some time alone.
Can i tell you out loud that i miss you and i miss all the time we spent together?
Will you forgive in being so weak and useless?
Can you stand me if i say to you:" all you need to do is just say the word and i will straight away drive down there to see you without any hesitation? "
Can you stand me that way.
Love those who drives four hour just to see you for one. Love those. 
I don't know if i deserve that kind of love.  All i know now is the more time we get to spend together the more i have feelings for you.
I love you, in my own tiny little way.

Sunday, April 10, 2016

God damn it, there are nice things in the world – and I mean nice things. We’re all such morons to get so sidetracked.

I am not you; I am not her; still it is hard for me to comprehend; what problem cannot be solved with 25 year of marriage? What is it?

Later Ponder: actually that was not supposed to be the question; it should be after you have been with someone for 25 years; for better or for worse; can't you just get used to it already and find happiness off of each other?

Once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return.
-- Leonardo da Vinci

Saturday, April 9, 2016

You don’t want to let go, but don't want to be hurt, either. it's not a great place to be but what can I tell you?

you type me a really long note telling me how you feel; telling me about her; but why? why do i need to know? that you feel sorry for me? that you feel unfair to her? that you feel you should express it? of course i know exactly how you feel; because i feel the same way for you; maybe she is also telling him about how not gentle and tender you are; how you can't be the man that she wants to love again; maybe the conversation that we are  having is exactly the same conversation that they are having; will it solve anything? will it help? can i help? what can i do? you said if this is still no good it means it not the end yet; but what is good and what is no good; maybe to us this is as good as it gets and that is all there is to it; have you ever thought about that? have you? you wont or you couldn't? that are two very different thing.

Friday, April 8, 2016

Why do you put your self esteem in the hands of complete strangers?

everyday; you write to me; a little; because of her by yourself;

everyday; i write to you; a little; because you are not by my side;

maybe this will fade;

maybe all this is just an illusion;

maybe we will still be sad, bitter and miserable anyway;

even if it's maybe so;

i will never ever regret that day i walk in that Starbucks and kissed you ever so lightly;

ever ever so lightly.

Thursday, April 7, 2016

Please, consider me a dream.

honestly, with the rate we are going right now; i cant say that i am very positive about us; not to say 10 years; let alone a month; we are having an abnormal relationship to begin with anyway.

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

Once you replace negative thoughts with positive ones, you will start having positive results.

I dont even feel weird.
Sitting all by myself alone having coffee by the sea side this evening. 
The hotel lady said i am so brave travel alone, i dont used to do it at all. I just needed some time off.
I wanted to sit here, just to kill time, do nothing.
The sun has set, day getting dark.
I will sit here and wait until the lights come on.

Tuesday, April 5, 2016

You have lived on broken hearts all your life.

We can't just expect someone that is still loving someone and in a relationship to accept that kind of thing, can we?


but really.

can we?

The thing that is important is the thing that is not seen.

you finally watched this movie;
you want to watch it with me, again;
i watched it before i even know you;
back then;
way back when;
i never thought this kind of relationship somehow will happen in reality;
with you and me;
i feel like a lost little boy;
having you, loving you, longing for you;
sometimes things change;
this will not last;
you and her travel away;
finding a place;
something you and i will never get to do;
i can only settle for less;
settle for now;
until i find the courage to move on;
without you;
at all.

Monday, April 4, 2016

I have loved you so much that I believe I understand you a little.

i smell you on me................

i shower and getting ready to bed last night;
i wear my black singlet;
i smell you;
you left your perfume when you hugged me tightly this afternoon;
i smell you;
all the memories come back;
i cried and i whisper i love you;
i so very much do;
i wish you leave a mark;
on my neck;
i dont mind anymore;
because somehow i just want you to be a part of me;
even though in the end i know the mark will disappear anyway;
like how you will disappear from my life;
literally and eventually.

in the end;
we do not give up because it is hard;
we only give up when we do not want to go on anymore;
and that is something no one else can force;
not for now.

Sunday, April 3, 2016

Don’t marry the person you think you can live with; marry only the individual you think you can’t live without.

it was that day; i dropped you back to your place; let you settle everything before your family comes back; we were lucky; had ourselves a couple of hours; how long could that last; you were away with them for a week; to a remote island; no line no connection; i thought it'd passed; it didn't; miss you even more; minutes and seconds; day and night; who knew missing someone could be so sweet and miserable at the same time; then i was away for the weekend; we didn't speak much; just that we have each other in our mind and we know it; right until this moment; another week has passed; we could not wait for another moment to meet; you stood at my door with your sport attire; so this is your new shirt; did you like it? no, it's ok; we laughed about it; i know you hate me for that; i know you wish i like the same thing that you do; but we are so different; thats why we are right here with each other; you created the lousiest excuse ever; made me silly sad and cry like mad; it was crazy; i hated the fact that you need to lie; i dont have to but you do for so many times; but to have you lying again, again and again; all my bad intention and bad conscious are not enough to stop seeing you; you have no idea how to continue; right after you walk in my door; you hugged me and didn't follow exactly what you want; you change your mind; we thought we are going to but didn't; we lied in our bed; you hug me tight; i can feel your heart racing; hug me; kiss me; you kept telling me; i know; you kept saying; you dont; i kept insisting; i think i do; i dont think you do but somehow deep inside i know you do very very much; we talk about that again until we avoid to talk about it until we dont think we can avoid to talk about it; we didn't make love; like the first time i met at your place; we didn't but we still had a good time and ever since that good time never leave us behind; you made me promise to make you a meal; you said you want to spend time with me when you are back and you hold on to that movie that we have yet to watch; creating many possibilities so we can stay on; you still remember that night when we was watching the movie half way; you said you feel like you are coming home to me; so nice and yet so simple; you call out your name; as if you want me to have it; you spoke in your mother tongue and you thought i dont remember but i did; there is something you do not simply forget; not when that something is you; you dont know how to go on; i just want you to leave; you look at your watch for the very first time; i have to go yo even say; i know i cant ask you to stay although i so want to throw tantrum at you like a kid but i know i couldn't; just go i said and our songs are playing; i swear i no longer will play that song list if i am with you; the sadness is too much to bear; we didn't even talk much about our trip at all; just reminiscence all the memories; the silly text me cookies; the period encounter; the book; all that; we are just leaving back door after back door for each other; afraid that if we miss one then it is time to say goodbye; we leave traces of love behind again and again; you told me about that key; i said its a sign of the negative; but you just twist and turn it said that's a sign that i will be sticking with you, for a long time; this time around i really hope your sign is the right one; rather than mine.

Saturday, April 2, 2016

Sometimes you just have to try, even if you know it won’t work.

That's when i kind of realise you are no better than him, you have your own shit to settle, what if i just tell you i love you and that i want us to be together, what would you do, what could you do, i have no answer i hear no answer, i have nothing to lose anyway.

Friday, April 1, 2016

Just like there’s always time for pain, there’s always time for healing.

What if i dont care about your feeling?
What if i throw tantrum for once?
What if i be plain stubborn and insisted that you stay?

would you have hated me?
would you have thought finally you are seeing the real me?
would you have eventually walk away....out of my life?

for good.


for no reason.