Friday, January 30, 2015

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.


i re read this email of yours again and again.

yes, you mention a lot of "me" , can see that still heading to a very selfish direction, who doesnt, right? even im selfish to be honest. you also looking for someone to inspire you.

to me, in these troubled times, i will need someone more than ever, knowing someone are being there, not for me to lean on selfishly, but to know that they are there, no matter what, they dont even need to say a lot, but just being there, you know?

i plan to sort out my property, dateline is useless for fool and my ex is not moving anywhere, that leaves her wife and I doing all the talking, but if he doesnt man up and do things, unless i hire someone to ugly things up, to splash paint in his house, or something, anything to provoke (i dont know, i never do such gangster thing before, maybe it will provoke him, or maybe it will worsen things up and then he decided to hate me forever and not going to sign anything at all forever and ever). i received SMS from his wife, long winded talking about  she has done her best and her husband is not moving to solve the problem, etc. ive asked my lawyer to send out another reminder again.

i leave you to sort out whatever you need to sort out.

Friday, January 9, 2015

A happy life is one which is in accordance with its own nature.

i dont know what is the mess. we dont get to talk.

all i know is we dont build enough memories and experience for us. all we have is all these unsatisfying bit and pieces. we look at it and we think we dont need all this. at times, it is not even enough to go on. we dont have a reason. if we dont need each other and if we dont love each other, why are we doing what we doing? why are we here if we cant even make each other happy?

this is wearing us out and we dont have a reason for it.

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Intention. Abandon.

i just feel you need a lot, a lot of time by yourself and im being here makes no difference to your life but just another burden.

i appreciate your good intention of not abandoning me but i also dont know what to do.

so then what is your intention with me?

Monday, January 5, 2015

Happiness is mostly a by-product of doing what makes us feel fulfilled.

pretty sure thats enough to get us somewhere.


I'm full time stupid, part time serious.

Saturday, January 3, 2015

Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.

You know if things don't work between us the rest just doesn't matter.

If you notice I rarely worry about a job, settle down with you, starting anew and such, because I know as long as I have your support in a new place, I can work things out together with you, know new friend, learn new skill, money of course is important, but I can't expect myself to make much right away.

I'm more worry about 'us', are we going to make it? Will we make it? That's my question , I do t know about you.

Thursday, January 1, 2015

Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.

it has been years i live in solitary, not in terms of physically but deep inside. i know i have family, handful of friends and colleagues, that doesn't mean i am not lonely. i feel nervous when i am around people, i hate small talk, i enjoy my time being alone, i only talk about my problems with that few close friends/ colleagues, really, not even my family, i actually don't know what worse. Even then, i am not exactly looking for advice, more like want to have listeners and for them to be supportive, also to hang around with those who let me be me, appreciate who i am, that is enough for me.

as much as i have a dream to have a relationship, to build a home, to have a family, i never really been appreciated in all my relationships, that's why i am so surprise when someone care for me, love me and be here for me, not walking away and make me not walk away. i am also scare because im afraid i might fail you, disappoint you.

as harsh and tense as it sometimes gets between us, composure and equanimity are not in my dictionary. i slowly learn that we need to be open about things unselfishly and communicate effectively/ calmly to make it work. I want to become a good person for this relationship. i don't want to be angry, upset and do stupid things all the time.

I also know that you too have been living all these while by yourself, fully capable of living your own life despite the loneliness. You may not have the desire to let me take care of you and you tend to communicate very little of your daily life, where you are, what you doing because there's really no reason to tell anybody that, maybe even if now you do have a reason, then again your daily routine is as such and old habit dies hard, so you sticking to your life as is. i know this much, if i also not writing, stop sharing, our communication will halt, as it is long distance already sucks. i miss you calling, just chit chatting about nothing. i guess you are busy with your on going business in Italy, your work, your publication and you in need of some space and "me time", i understand.

technology helps to bring people closer and yet sometimes it seems to drive people apart when we use it the wrong way.

i am the type of person the more you treat me well, the more i will treat you well too; just exactly like how you want me to talk a lot more in order for you to talk. if i have been treated the hard way, i will be harsh and rude in return, if i have been treated real well, i will be happy, loving and more caring, etc.

if now we are going to develop a relationship, we both have to accept the fact that things are changing (hopefully in a good way :)) with a new person inside our life, to make it work, we have to somehow adapt and welcome that new person in a way that we hope how we would like to be treated. no one wants to feel unwelcome and constantly fear of conflict.

As for the question "can you help me?" - im sorry i cant be your cure for your depression and any of your painful past, i just hope i can at least make these days a little bit bearable or at least passable, but if i cant even achieve that, i can only apologize once more and wonder what do i exactly bring to the table if its not keeping this relationship going until now? to be your friend? to keep hoping that we will eventually figure things out between us? to just be here?

Maybe the correct question would be: "can we help each other?" "how can we meet half way?"

i don't know if all of this make sense.