Wednesday, March 21, 2018

I do not exist to impress the world. I exist to live my life in a way that will make me happy.




















i haven't been writing since two weeks back; every time when i get to spend time with you; time seems to fly by fast; i recall this time around you have not been spending time much at my place; you did it last during that time your house has water disruption; we watched godfather 1 and you said we should watch 2 together; you will tell me the story line if i do not understand it; i gave you what i had; it is not something uncommon; nevertheless nervous and scary; you say you do not mind; i guess we cant mind it anymore; i did laundry for you; it lasted for a week; finally all settle back in; went to a crowded Chinese restaurant twice; wont go there anymore; still like our little mexican place the best; where we relax; had breakfast, lunch and smoke; we also went back to little india; had simple breakfast; life is too short to wait; it is not like the food is so worthwhile; we went to KLCC one time too; got anxious about looking for a breakfast place; i urged you to hurry along; decided to had breakfast in a little kopitiam cafe; satisfied meal; see you two days in a row before i head off to hometown; had nice indian apam; so many varieties; i have discovered; sometimes odd conversation happens between you and i; the "caring" perception you wish to create; the dragging on task that should have been done that annoys me a little; as long as it does not crash on our major value; i guess i can live with it; gotten present from your uncle from his trip; happy someone actually remembers; we laugh a lot when we are together; you open door for me; a lot of your chronic unease moments kick in; do this and that because; i start to adopt; do not see any harm; i want to be a better person; i am not the type that sets goal; never do; with you; i wish i can do more; run more; love you more and more and more.

Wednesday, March 7, 2018

I think a lot, but I don’t say much.














heavy rain; i am out in my black dress; blow my hair; glad you asked for a meet; suggested a noodle place that we have missed; made reservation; everything is well in order; you stood by me; liking my black dress and converse shoes; it is better to wear shoes; you said; you look so beautiful; what were you saying; you lose your thought; we hold hand; you touch me and lean forward for a kiss; the very first time in public; i am useful to you in a way; beneficial; i dropped you home; i was glad i did; when you do not feel used; this type of thing is actually ok; 

Tuesday, March 6, 2018

It bothers me that no one has the patience to deal with someone who is just sad.




















we had a small episode; i felt it is too small; i do not want to sulk; i do not want to miss out the opportunity to tell you what i am supposed to tell you before it is too late; just because i said "get out"; i do not know if this is your emotional baggage; you said it may not be; i insist a little; nine years is a long time; just because you did not want to stay longer and talk; 10-15 minutes max; otherwise it became a conference call; it ends with frustration; i did not get to see you; due to some water distress situation; few days; i already anticipate; what if you love; what if you change job; what if it becomes long distance; i off the phone; went to bed; the next day; you laugh at my conference call description; we are alright; i am still mad but i can talk; you decided let's meet anyway; just as my best friend suggested; i am so glad i have all of you; i mean every single one of you; in my life.

Saturday, March 3, 2018

You don’t pass or fail at being a person, dear.














you had an event an alumni gathering on Friday night; you did not sleep over; we met Saturday morning; you woke late; you asked if i want to do breakfast; you came and pick me up; for breakfast; i was happy you called; wanted to see you; we went to our favourite place; had breakfast; walked around; cafe; checking out artistic mug set; still yet to get you one that i have broke; nothing nice; such pleasure the small time we spend together; went to your place; unexpected dinner with your parents and their friend; ended well; the next day; an interview disruption; realise you are an nervous and anxious guy who like to bring up plan last minute; stay upstairs; you said; made me feel like i am rushing you up; you are; i did not say it out loud; did not want to bother you because your interview is coming up; leave you in peace; slowly saving a mental list; making notes; what to do and what not to do; just to make out relationship w wee bit better; if if is not for you; then for me; at least. 

Thursday, March 1, 2018

I am that clumsy human, always loving, loving, loving. And loving. And never leaving.




















i gave it to you too; you realize; i feel bad; eventually the feeling goes away; because there is not much i can do; you step in the hospital; being with me there; made a small difference; alongside me waiting in the hospital; although just a short time; making sure i am ok; long processes; tedious paper work; we had breakfast; coffee; then after settle; we had lunch; a fancy nice little Thai place; the feeling lingers on; every time when i get to spend time with you; miss you before you are gone; want to hold you kiss you touch you; the feeling of missing you; goes way beyond; goes on and on; fear to tell you; for this feeling may burden you on your heavy shoulder; i step away; always a few steps back; just to show you; i am still strong; although deep down i am weak; always am weak.