Thursday, March 31, 2016

We never know which lives we influence, or when, or why.

why are all these men that i know and fall in love with all seem to be sitting on the verge of being good and bad; or they do not even know what they are looking for; searching for; living for and doing for.

who am i to them then?

who the fuck am i to them?

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

I still look back on those evenings we spent together as the happiest part of my life, and I wanted it to go on forever.

i thought this would stop; that you will forget about me; everything just as it is and it will be ok in the end because everyone forgets anyway; then the line is back on and that's when you steam of messages poured in; i can't helped it; i read it and cried and remember that night; you stood outside my door with left over white wine, coke, pastry; i got two wine glasses out and we just sat there; finished watching quarter of that wicked movie; The lady in a van; i wish that movie will last forever and ever.....and ever and ever...............

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

We are made to persist. that’s how we find out who we are.

without realizing it; i constantly checking up on you; then i understand; you are with them; they are your priority; it will not be me; it never will be; then i understand this will be end soon; not very soon; but still; soon.

Monday, March 28, 2016

Ask yourself this question: ‘Will this matter a year from now?’

Then i realise.  We are lacking someone in our lives. We getting so used to living alone.  We never really have someone that we can talk to about day to day small stuff. Just to be there.
Like my car battery.  Like the woman in the train station.  The boring office stuff. All that. 

Sunday, March 27, 2016

Have no fear of perfection - you’ll never reach it.

i finally told her about you; she was shock and surprise; ten long years; what happened? what the hell are you doing? i just simply replied: "i do not know."

Saturday, March 26, 2016

One can never ask anyone to change a feeling.

A final week to say goodbye; your colleagues; your mates; your family outing; nonetheless you found the time and excuse to squeeze me in; went to a place with much greenery; a mini krabi trip; enjoyed it very much as before; couldn't figure out a reason to get rid of you; as much as i want to try; you have planned out all the trip until August; leaving for real; can't believe it; comparison still going; u like the small me; bathtub; pool; little swim; room service; always music on; jazz; that what we first listened to; the hesitation; hang out buddy; fish and chip; salad; blind fold; tie up; wooden puzzle, the little game; the luck that we had; the time that we able to make; the mark that you leave; i love every single bit of it; i will never get sick of you; i want you to tell me that a thousand and million times; we made love again again and again; cant get enough of you; supposedly watch a movie, you watched half of it in my house; laying down; soft kissing on the sofa; u sleep over; light snoring; watching you sleep; lousy coffee; you picked a heart; it says movie; we said we will do it again with no distraction; we shake hand; we promised; maybe this is the way we are for another ten years; i hope you remember it; i do not have another ten years anymore; anymore.

Friday, March 25, 2016

You did something for me I couldn’t do for myself. You loved me for who I am.

we made time for each other again after we last parted the Wednesday before; more than 7 days for us now is a long time; i miss you dearly; still jokingly and lovingly greet you; we hold each other tight; you politely ask if we can go to bed; i smile; since when you need to ask; sometimes you are still shy with me and i find that is your best quality; in the end you will always think there's something unspoken about us that you dare not break; we talked about whole lot of stuff; your daughter; her boyfriend; being accountable; being responsible; affair; swinging with partner; million dollar indecent proposal; being forgivable; human behavior; my friends; things we cannot tell our friends about; being sales; being yourself; being flexible; being able to change; business is business; in the end; you still like to win; having fruit; listen to song; young and beautiful; we touch again, again and again; we cant stop; we dont want to stop; you still like to know that you matter; making a  point to know that when you will go away; it may hurt i rather hurt than having you hiding the truth and only find out later; i rather hurt now; i tell you it is going to be ok; i gave you that ok; i lightly whisper: make love to me one more time; you reply: not only one more time; you said you found me and that was it; you stop looking; you should carry on; maybe there will be something better; we also talk about ending it; goodbye; silly thought; but we didnt carry on; we blur the line if this is love or just sex; maybe we should make this just sex; i was making fun; we testing each other with stupid comment; we didnt mean it; i said perhaps i should just reply: i wish you all the best too and goodbye; dont do it, please; i will stay with you for a longer time; just because you say please; just because i will still be sad leaving you behind; just because.

Thursday, March 24, 2016

Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.

our time together of late, especially you started spending time in my place, still not a lot, but it triggers a lot of thoughts, all the could have, would have and what ifs. i know it's kind of pointless and useless but i cant helped it. that is pretty much me.

i cant helped but think, when all the men i have been dating, some of them, including you, give me compliment and praises like i can practically held my head high and rule the world, and then ended up, i am always with the wrong man, then it goes back to this, i will always question myself with doubt, what is wrong with me? of course you may say:" it's not you, it's me,"; that is always the case, but still, what is wrong with me? what will it takes?

should i have been braver, bolder, blunter, would any of these things happened? i dont know, we will never know now. i am never a brave, bold and blunt kid. i accept things as it is, afraid to stir things up, afraid to hurt other's feeling, always a little bit too hard on myself. i am doing this to me and no one else.

it is not even about the label, i lose track in the end what it is all about. of course i remember our first date, the second, how i felt about you and everything in between, the frustration, the sadness, the disappointment, the good times and the bad, everything. do you know that comes June it marks the tenth year we know each other, ten long years!!!!! (well, ok, you know your girlfriend longer) all i want to say is i cant say this is for nothing. these days our conversation lingers around the fact that you care for me and you worry and then i ask why but i never really did get a really satisfying answer, in the end we leave things hanging and still ended up seeing each other, because it will be too hard for us to let go....i know all this, im not blind and stupid.........i love you, i have been all along; but the last time when we talked about it how come we are not together; you have your own shit to deal with; you have your own problem and issues you need to settle, i understand, this is like every other men in my life that i know, story of my life. i dont know how else to put it, i am still here and still here, still seeing you and yet.

i frustrated over the fact that while i am in this endless quest searching for something real, yet time and time again i see you lying beside me and you could have been the one but not. why is that? what did i never not do? what else i need to do? im speechless.

in the end now i guess i just want to vent about my frustration to you. will there be an answer to all this? maybe not. maybe you should just say that i am a bad person, that you dont actually like me that much and walk away, perhaps that would make me feel better, instead of now according to you i am actually a good person but nothing ever happens, thats far worse, far far worse and i dont think you will ever understand that.

i wish not let you carry these heavy thoughts and go off for a month having it on the back of your head, that is not my intention, but i cant helped but want to share this with you. it is hard for me as it is for you in this relationship of ours. i dont know what to hold on to anymore.

i love you.. i still do. but i cant treat you as just a friend and you are not my lover. what can and what should we do about this? i wonder about it all the time, all the time and i am sorry to burden your thought as it is already heavy.

please take good care, think about us and find some peace. when you are back maybe you will have a clearer answer, or maybe you wont. anyway, i will just be here, i guess.

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

She has a mouth like unswept glass – when you least expect it she cuts you.

We have different definition of our friendship.
I feel you betrayed my trust
I feel if anyone knows better it would be you
Its saddening disheartening disappointed frustrated to hear what u told me that night
Why not yr gf? What happened?
What kind of friend i am to you?
Ive been with you. I have loved you.
Jokingly say want to un friend u. I do
Like how my father disown my sister.

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Being both soft and strong is a combination very few have mastered.

i slotted in a bit of time; asked him if he would do something for me; meet me after work; we did; both willingly; playfully arrived and always want to compete with each other; i fall for him so much that i ignore the world around me that i thought something indecent that i did would be alright; i become less sensitive and less considerate; an incident  that happened; different thoughts running in our head caused different reaction; we are not living in a free world after-all; nevertheless all these moments i deeply treasure; with shame and guilt; but feeling is feeling; i justify that to myself shamelessly.

there is this other him; been around for ten years; asked me about how i feel about him years ago; i felt the attraction which faded along the way; i will always wonder; why not me? why we cant be? too many what if; useless pointless what ifs.

Monday, March 21, 2016

Everyone sees what you appear to be, few experience what you really are.

i rushed off; just to see you for an hour; we laugh about all these little things now; and that one hour is just too short for us; too short to tell you long story; too long to feel anxious and restless knowing i only have one hour with you; and yet we are ready to go on; because in my mind i have planned what you have planned; that we see us again soon; on Friday; over the weekend. 

I think too much, I see too much, I feel too much, but I speak so little.

how can you make a decision already based on things you dont know about?

how can you say you wont leave me already when you dont know at all who i am?


Sunday, March 20, 2016

The sensitive suffer more; but they love more, and dream more.

it is Sunday today; it has been a few days since Wednesday; since we last seen each other; it feels already too long; we say we are going to meet on Monday; we kept the communication open; constantly chatting; your family is here; i want you to be with them; i will do fine without you; i have been; it will just get better with you; then i remember the chocolate cake metaphor; i always do; i do not want you to lie and do bad things behind their back; it seems the only way that we will be able to see each other is by being dishonest; i hate that feeling; the guilt will slowly creeps in and eat you up; if it is not now; it will be later; i wish i am never the kind that mind; but i do; i want you not to say it if you cannot do it; just leave it and do it to me and make it happen because you can; not because it's a dare; a challenge or that you think i ask you to; if you can't do it; dont say it then i will feel less sad about it; then i will feel you are not like any other man that i know before; but you are still to me unlike any other man i have met before; that is why i fall for you so strongly; so deeply; so helplessly; so effortlessly; i only wish we are just here; only us; just here; right now.

Saturday, March 19, 2016

Physics isn’t the most important thing. Love is.

I can only say i would've walked away. I would've ignored everything. The thing that i thought i would do because of all this but i didnt.
Everyone would've shouted you all the thing that i wanted to shout to you.
I dont know what i can do. I don't know if i can be much help. I know if i walk away tonight i will keep on thinking about this to no end.

Friday, March 18, 2016

Had I told the sea what I felt for you, it would have left its shores, its shells, its fish, and followed me.

we made passionate love every night; even when we are sad; even when i say this could possibly be the last time; your positive thoughts and enthusiasm move me; i hold you as if this will be the last time; you always treat me as if this is the first; the total different outlook we are holding on for certain things; get us talking; debate; not to the extend to argue; 5 days is just not long enough; i do notice our differences; the one that we are still willing to compromise; to accept us as we are; i only sleepless on the very last night; because i was thinking i am not going to see you anymore; even when you insist; even if you want to; i dont want to be your burden; your challenge; because i know that is just simply plain wrong.

Thursday, March 17, 2016

Some are born to sweet delight, some are born to endless night.

Everything will sounds like an excuse now.
I don't want to say it's ok, coz it's not, i dont want to be so clingy and needy.
I don't know if u understand.

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

I’m sorry for my inability to let unimportant things go.

It was incredible... You said im the second woman in your life that you would married. But i know this is impossible and yet I still fall so deep and hard for you. For your honesty. For your love. Despite the difficulty. I want to keep seeing you. If i say i want to turn and walk away and this is the last time and that i making you say this is the last time... I was actually lying.

please dont believe that and just hold me once more, just once more, even if its really the last time.

Monday, March 14, 2016

What a terrible mistake to let go of something wonderful for something real.

Im sorry for being so pessimistic, I'm just not very very positive about us, im thinking when you can even spare a minute or two for me. Then what else is there?

Saturday, March 12, 2016

That’s how you know you love someone, I guess, when you can’t experience anything without wishing the other person were there to see it, too.

i wish all my brain power will reserve it memory to remember this beautiful holiday all my life; 5 days 4 nights fly thru as it nothing happens; it's too too short; i was speechless and shock with all the unexpected surprises; thinking that we will be bored with each other very soon, but what a joke; your friend; the awkward airport encounter; the ride; the drive; how quick you move; how relax you can be; how quickly you fell asleep during our first night; without kiss good night; the Riesling champagne; your gentle touch and kisses; the way you look at me; the way you make me feel beautiful; the sex in the beach; in the pool; the way you finger me; the way you tenderly make me wet with only your fingers; sunset; moped; the way i hug you from behind the motorcycle; the way you hold me too; the way you trust me; my stubborn way to do it on my own; the joke inside water; the 4 islands; the snorkeling; the emerald cave; holding your hands under the water; all the teasing; the old town; the other side of town; whole day of hot sunny riding; the similar thinking we shared about  places to visit and go; rarely conflict; the hair dresser random act of kindness; we accommodating each other as much as we can so we do not spoil the fun; sweat; sun; tanned; pool; swim; sea; walk; fine dining restaurant; the little black dress; the heels that i brought; ubongo game; liking each other in our own little world; red lipstick; converse; jeans; shirt; beach; couch; one hour earlier; the anxiousness; airport; queue; luggage; music; breakfast day after day the same thing; thai food; cocktails; beers; yoga (almost); massage; make sex music; youth; book that we didn't get to read; music that we didn't get to hear; me being neurotic; chasing after check in time;  transit; 8 hours long; taxi ride; rain; shock; forgetful; ipod; kindle; messing with you for my ipod; all the hearts that i folded; and you picked a breakfast date; i owe you that; always a back door someway; somehow; you also say; stay with me; someway; somehow; i dont know what to do; i sent you home; i picked you up; all this; how can i ever forget; ever; i hate you more than ever now because you are building up memories whether i want it or not; deliberately or not deliberately.

i fucking hate you and i fucking love you; all at the very same time exact same time.

will you please love me too?

Thursday, March 10, 2016

Yes, be patient with me. My heart is heavy.

I write you, like how i normally do, we see us again tonight, i pretend that you may have forgotten about the whole thing, you were excited and suggested to sleep over my place for the very first time, u like the idea, so did i, i prepared for you toothbrush, we had beer, the next morning a nice breakfast, we talked the whole night long, i repeat what i have wrote to you in a clearer manner, because i want answer and i got them, u wanted to finally let go what you are supposed to let go long time ago, you said the last time you two both was a month ago, she is selfish, maybe you are too, but who isn't? Even i do. You talked about caring of a child that the mother you don't care about, the possibility of your child illness lies in you, it reminds me of someone i hated, someone i thought I once loved, someone i thought i could never forgive, but i love you and i forgive you, i guess that's what eight years long relationship does to people, it allows people like us to accept people like us.

Monday, March 7, 2016

I’m sorry because you shouldn’t have to be everything to me. I had you, but I’d forgotten that I had myself too. It’s a new feeling, something I’m getting used to.

i was walking out from my brother's place; my phone was on silent; i saw it rang; i picked up and a date was set; another gig; i have not been to one for a while now; wrong exit; endless apologizing; RM20 parking; RM20 dessert; ended the night late; the unsettling emotion kicked in; sat in my car; in wee hours; we talked about things; that have been long bothering you and i; yet will never have a solution; me and you; you and her; you and another her; me and him; you said you love me; that i am part of you now; how often you feel something is missing without me being around; i have became something of important; little little things; spider web of relationships tangling; how can i not acknowledge it; how can i pretend to ignore it; the simple fact that i cant; while happy to be with you; while my heart will never say no; to anything you have asked for; in return i never ask for anything; the question of default or design; why does it matter; i will only do this if you are my someone; because a sense of belonging; i hate to drift; i dont want to feel like that i dont belong to anyone; i want to belong to you; i desperately want to.

Saturday, March 5, 2016

I’m still writing about you and you haven’t read a word

Sometimes i think i have felt everything i'm ever gonna feel.

And from here on out, i'm not gonna feel anything new.

Just lesser versions of what i've already felt.

Wednesday, March 2, 2016

Don’t lose a woman that has seen your flaws and still loves you.

we found time to see us again; for one hour; ok; technically 45 minutes; before you board the plane tonight; i reach slightly earlier and i was standing inside the cafe; saw you taking photo with your phone; wanted to send it to me; you look like a kid; a cute kid that i helplessly fall into; i wanted to give you something of mine for you to bring it back to me ; i closed your eyes ; you reacted strongly ; i was smiling ; you guessed it right ; i hope you take care of it; and a little heart note that you missed ; i hope she will never find ; i know you dont want to become one of those bitter emotionless loveless old man; but you wont; at least with me you are not emotionless; if anything you are giving me too much attention and you are doing it right; i talked about the cultural differences; my parents; how they not showing love; not the way i wanted to; you being parents; a good one; we talk about life too; how we should seize the moment; i dont care so much of living long i guess; it's the depth of it; not the length of it that actually matter; to me; of this life; at least of my life anyway; sometimes we talked but hardly things are ever easy to just let go; it is easy when you say it; it is easy when it is not you; but this is not; this is us but not only us. 

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

I am figuring out which parts of my personality are mine 
and which ones I created to please you.

I am glad we see us before you leave for long; just two weeks; but still long; before our holiday begins; you brought again gift and ruler; to make sure of something; U did; I won; bloody 148; i think i am going to tattoo that number; forever inked; still somehow no trust; we had a brief chat about our day; about being good at work; the feeling of being recognized and appreciated; i know we don't have much time; I even set the alarm to 2030; but u leave even earlier than that; i asked if you want to check your phone; then you told me about your family gathering; i was agitated; i know your desire to meet; but if i have turn it into your priority; it creates bad conscious for me; no matter how good it feels; i will always feel i am stealing you away from what you supposed to do and be; sometimes truth may hurt and you tend not to make thing difficult but i rather you did and just tell me the truth; tell me straight that you only have one hour with me; of course i will say let's not meet; then you will insist; you really know me a bit too well to kept that hidden from me; the truth; anyway i am a big girl; i will figure it out and deal with it rather than just know that u come here for short while and leave like how I quote it as an example because you are right you want to know your worth and that you're worth it at the end of a long serving years like you other colleagues; by the time you reach their agel what would you do; where would you be; its a big quesiton mark; even for me; it is difficult to answer; but you will never have that kind of thought to shake status quo; because you don't have to and with her you said i am not the problem; then i dont know what is anymore.