our time together of late, especially you started spending time in my place, still not a lot, but it triggers a lot of thoughts, all the could have, would have and what ifs. i know it's kind of pointless and useless but i cant helped it. that is pretty much me.
i cant helped but think, when all the men i have been dating, some of them, including you, give me compliment and praises like i can practically held my head high and rule the world, and then ended up, i am always with the wrong man, then it goes back to this, i will always question myself with doubt, what is wrong with me? of course you may say:" it's not you, it's me,"; that is always the case, but still, what is wrong with me? what will it takes?
should i have been braver, bolder, blunter, would any of these things happened? i dont know, we will never know now. i am never a brave, bold and blunt kid. i accept things as it is, afraid to stir things up, afraid to hurt other's feeling, always a little bit too hard on myself. i am doing this to me and no one else.
it is not even about the label, i lose track in the end what it is all about. of course i remember our first date, the second, how i felt about you and everything in between, the frustration, the sadness, the disappointment, the good times and the bad, everything. do you know that comes June it marks the tenth year we know each other, ten long years!!!!! (well, ok, you know your girlfriend longer) all i want to say is i cant say this is for nothing. these days our conversation lingers around the fact that you care for me and you worry and then i ask why but i never really did get a really satisfying answer, in the end we leave things hanging and still ended up seeing each other, because it will be too hard for us to let go....i know all this, im not blind and stupid.........i love you, i have been all along; but the last time when we talked about it how come we are not together; you have your own shit to deal with; you have your own problem and issues you need to settle, i understand, this is like every other men in my life that i know, story of my life. i dont know how else to put it, i am still here and still here, still seeing you and yet.
i frustrated over the fact that while i am in this endless quest searching for something real, yet time and time again i see you lying beside me and you could have been the one but not. why is that? what did i never not do? what else i need to do? im speechless.
in the end now i guess i just want to vent about my frustration to you. will there be an answer to all this? maybe not. maybe you should just say that i am a bad person, that you dont actually like me that much and walk away, perhaps that would make me feel better, instead of now according to you i am actually a good person but nothing ever happens, thats far worse, far far worse and i dont think you will ever understand that.
i wish not let you carry these heavy thoughts and go off for a month having it on the back of your head, that is not my intention, but i cant helped but want to share this with you. it is hard for me as it is for you in this relationship of ours. i dont know what to hold on to anymore.
i love you.. i still do. but i cant treat you as just a friend and you are not my lover. what can and what should we do about this? i wonder about it all the time, all the time and i am sorry to burden your thought as it is already heavy.
please take good care, think about us and find some peace. when you are back maybe you will have a clearer answer, or maybe you wont. anyway, i will just be here, i guess.