Saturday, November 28, 2015

How do we forgive ourselves for all of the things we did not become?

So I'm thinking.... Why can't we have everything, why?

we are having this kind of relationship; 

im having bad conscience; 

what do i do? 

i like you; you make me feel like i can actually fall in love again; falling in love again with you deeply;

but this is not real;

i dont want it to be real;

i am always the pessimistic one, remember?

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

I was the shyest human ever invented, but I had a lion inside me that wouldn’t shut up

i will always find something about you or there's always something about you; that makes me want to stick with you and stay here a little bit longer, always. 

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Treat people with kindness because behind every face is a story that could use a little more love.

we promised to see each other before i leave; you booked a hotel that i think of too; you are on time; as always; we see something that we somehow fit with each other and yet trying to find way to avoid; again we had a wonderful evening; a good time; in between wildly fucking session; we chat; we made fun; we had dinner; you could not explain the feelings you had for me; love; like; infatuation; it's not just about sex; a part of it is; a part of it is about growing; another part is about learning; there was no man that can make me feel like i am falling in love again; that you care so much with your tenderness and kindness; no one ever make me feel excited and nervous anymore at the same time; no one man can ever make me laugh, cry, scream, talk within one meeting session; you did it to me; you move me and touch me deep down a part of me that i thought i already lost; i try to find fault but to no avail;  then i thought of her and i cry; you said its not my conscience to feel bad, its yours; it was both ours; you asked; i said yes; we have fair share of responsibility; i could have said no; but i am too weak; i didn't; how can you not feel bad; someone at home waiting for you; imagine if that is me; i will be sad and lonely; all of us are mature adult but all of us also crawl in this web of complication; we want to get out and yet drawn into it like an addiction; not really easy to get out; or we don't want to get out; you said you cant lose me; that you need me; but none of it is true; you have been managing without me; and you can do it again; i don't want to hurt your family and i don't want to hurt you; every time when we get to that; i get emotional and cry; if i don't care at all about you; i will not do so; for now you say let's us be special friend; we already are; then you say let's continue and see how it goes; but i already know how it gonna goes; it will be harder and harder for us to say goodbye when the time is finally here; i feel so; i know so and i sure of so.

Monday, November 16, 2015

Every day you should investigate where and to whom your energy is going.

i did not know if you touch my heart;
the time spent with you is different with the other guy;
but i know i have no future with the other guy;
will i have a future with you?
so now i am here to find out.

Sunday, November 15, 2015

I dream. Sometimes I think that’s the only right thing to do.

he is right beside her;
he texting me like crazy;
i do not know what is going thru his mind;
i guess he just doesn't care if its the right or wrong thing to do;
because there is never really about right or wrong;
it is just about this moment in time that you are truly enjoy yourself;
even with someone you dont belong;
or will never be;

"you moved me a lot so quickly"

that is all he basically needs to say.

Friday, November 13, 2015

Because, nothing makes me happier and nothing makes me sadder than you.

Friday the 13th; 13th Nov; long meeting; mind boggling with a lot of information; craving for a beer; we talked this morning; we did not promise anything; we did not say we are going to do lunch; i text you; stuck in the jam; you text back just in time; for us to go and grab a quick coffee; u passed me a gift; now i will always have something to remember you by; a red mug; you told me there will be possibility where you move back to where you from; my heart sank; i try not to let it show it; i am still just always shy and awkward; to be seen with you in public; like i have done something wrong but everything we are doing just feel so right; so so right.

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

The deepest principle of human nature is the craving to be appreciated.

here comes the emotional moments; again; i never thought there will even be this kind of feelings again in me; with you came into my life; two people being with each other developing and creating memories so quickly in a month's time; leaving some details behind yet revealing on small things; it seems unreal; you can't offer me clarity, security and stability; and yet i am so happy being with you; can happiness be the ultimate answer? that i do not need to care; that i should continue on anyway even if it's unfair; what is life? what is happiness? if i have been searching for so long and i am yearning for the answer that i finally feel this wee bit of happiness in my life; do i reach out and grab it even if it's not mine in the long run and that i dont deserve it?

i thought i am just a fling; if you didn't tell her; i would still be comfortable; but you couldn't lied and i understand why; if you are hiding from someone you love; imaging other kind of damage that you could possibly cause and do; i am nobody to you anyway; like is a like; nothing more at this point.

i do not know.

i am lost i guess.

but in this moment in my life.

the trip; the love making; the shouting; the yelling; the silly questions; how we handling things; the coffee; the muesli; the milk; the alcohol; the sausages; the touching; the hugging; the cuddling; even without sex; with you; everything feels incredibly nice.

i like the way we are. i like you, too much. im always your nice girl, your best food and your little bastard.

until soon. or not soon.

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

It’s never as good as you want it to be; It’s never as bad as it seems.

he confirms it;
if you want happiness; you also need to take the sad things that come with it;
another friend said;
it's a package;
you can't avoid;
i never really do take it all as a package;
i always run away;
i always act tough;
but i am just so weak;
now i have to take it on.
being both happy and sad;
with you;
right here;
right now.

Sunday, November 8, 2015

If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking.

In so many occasions with the exact moment and conversation they say they enjoy spending time with me; i guess i am not a bad person afterall; it's just that when i am facing my life and my own devil; i will be defeated miserably.

Thursday, November 5, 2015

Accept no one's definition of your life, but define yourself.

I am my own person. I don't need your respect and regards to live. Just keep that to yourself, please.

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

You sort of come face to face with your own values at some point, where you can walk away or do something about it.

i guess in the end;
walking away;
looking back;
with all your condemn;
my only take away is;
you are more hopeful than i am;
the one that is living in a bleak black hole;
actually it's me;
it's me.

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Those who respect themselves will be honorable but he who thinks lightly of himself, will be held cheap by the world.

in the end; i take this as a closure; if you still writing me just so you can humiliate me and criticize me; you can save all that; because to me you dont understand a thing; i never even see our relationship has a future; not with the way we keep going; and not with the way we visualizing; we have different opinion on this matter, clearly. so let's agree to disagree.

case closed.

the end.