Saturday, July 30, 2016

We are our choices.

we got back to our usual routine; greeting in the morning; during lunch then one more time after work; i sent you a voice note about going back to yoga; you were online then and you replied me you are going to skip your gym; taking it easy; you said you wanted to video call; i rush home after class; called you twice; no pick up; afraid that you are talking to her; then you called back; we just talked about work; how was our day; the usual stuff; you about sorting out some details that someone wanted to show to your boss; i was complaining about slowness at work; people to match my pace; maybe i should take it easy; we both learning new language which was kind of fun to talk about; after we said good night i feel the heat of you linger and i did the inevitable; i texted you which you have did the same; you called me early in the morning; i wonder was it because of that or you did really want to see me; after all this time we somehow still feel shy with each other; but it also feels so very good; i wanted to be close to you; be part of you; your life somehow; when you tell me you can never feel the same with other woman; not even with her; i feel a little proud and also sad because meeting you was never meant to be this way; for you to split your love; for you to lie and for you to emotionally betray her; i am stuck but i am also addicted; to you; now we can no longer let go; because you say you do not want to say another goodbye anymore.

i started to make you heart, again.

i really love you, N.

Friday, July 29, 2016

Goodbyes are only for those who love with their eyes; for those who love with heart and soul there is no separation.

Perhaps this nine months is a perfect gap year;
Our cool down period may not just happen overnight;
I am confident enough that once we get on with our own lives;
This infatuation will subside;
It surely will not be a slow fade;
No matter how strongly now we are feeling for each other;
No promises;
Just a plain simple mutual understanding that we will not be screwing up each other’s life by ourselves or by each other.

Thursday, July 28, 2016

You’ve got to fall in love, fall out of love, no matter how much it hurts because my god, it’s worth it.

so we are happy again;
i was getting ready to talk to you our options;
you went to play badminton;
disrupted by a dinner invite;
stayed a little bit too long;
i was sleepy but waiting;
apology and explanation accepted;
we both reliable;
that's what you like about us;
we are mature enough;
we didn't get to talk about what we are supposed to talk about;
about how to part;
how about not to text each other since when;
about letting go;
about choices;
about her;
about you;
about me;
we talked much about a lot of stuff before we notice;
now we just kind of bringing it back;
how you do not want to know;
how once i was drunk but we were happy about it;
still fooling around;
how did you know i am bot doing it;
killing you with comments and silly jokes;
having fun;
like how we always do;
we cant let go;
overtime i believe we will get more and more relax about it;
this type of fun is simply just too irresistible;
you were not drunk;
but you looked really happy;
i wish you are in my arms too;
so that your warmth can linger and that i can cuddle with you ever so gently to feel you again;
all over again;
and again;
and again.

ich liebe dich, forever and ever.

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

The human heart is a strange vessel. Love and hatred can exist side by side.

I really need to forget about the comparison between me and her and just take it you are mine forever.

It made me wonder how many times we forgive just because we don’t want to lose someone, even if they don’t deserve our forgiveness.

I wake up to a grey sky.
Thoughts of you still keep on running in my head.
Can you stop it?
Can you stop time?
Can you?

You always admire what you really don’t understand.

I waited for the whole day for us to talk. You got home after your game, i was anxiously waiting, you know it. But still just casually talk to me about your day. I guess that's why i love you so much. Because there's so many things we both know and have mutual understanding without needing to say anything. like how i will never ask you if you love your wife. like how i will never put you in a situation where you need to choose and compare. i know i don't entitle to that privilege, i have missed my chance 25 years ago.
You are sad if not as sad as me, seeing me crying hard, you were telling me this is hard for you too, knowing that you can't marry me and that we can't be together. I believe that.
I feel so tiring these days. Thinking about us having a clean cut but also want to keep a back door, we promise to sleep on it, we did.
What will happen now?
Can i still flirt with you?
Can we still talk about things how we normally talk about?
Will you still be important to me 5 years down the road? 
I feel you would and it would be silly if we choose to let us go for good, last night.

Monday, July 25, 2016

I defend. Not my voice, but my silence.

This is something i want and good at.
Recreate memories.
Make the coffee we had. the sandwich. the pasta. the music. everything that we have experienced together. 
Even though i know it is impossible for us to hold on to. 


I release you. I evict you from my heart. Because if I don’t do it now, I never will.

Why didn’t you say anything then;
Are you still feel shy with me?
Are you afraid that I would say no?
I realise when you ask my address one too many times that I notice your intention to visit me;
Just like the time you want to come to Ipoh;
Like that last day you came out from your study, i said nothing and you walk away then I knock on your door, I was glad I did, still;
We had these great times together but I also know we are too similar to work things out, anyway, it’s too late;
If someone needs to say it then it might as well be me;
If I’m living the next life I hope I found you sooner I would want to live with you love you everything with you build a life together with you;.

only with you.

Sunday, July 24, 2016

I don’t need someone to complete me, I need someone to make things a little bit better every now and again.

I can't believe the feeling of you still lingering so strongly. We don't tell each other how we feel and yet we know exactly how we feel. We need much more time for this nine months of feeling to subside. Maybe we will run out of things to say. Maybe eventually we get bored of each other because we always only talk about the same thing. Maybe maybe maybe. I can only live with maybe for now. In my head.
I love you and that is the only thing that is not a maybe.

Saturday, July 23, 2016

I want you to come live with me, and die with me, and everything with me.

We can no longer say this has nothing to do with sex.
Or its not only just sex.
Because in the end.
It is.

Friday, July 22, 2016

Those who live are those who fight.

He always say its a good life, bloody good life.
To be honest.
I am not so sure.

Thursday, July 21, 2016

All I wanted was just what everybody else wants, you know, to be loved.

We still say a lot of next times;
Leaving back doors;
So afraid that eventually we really have to let go of each other .

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

People don’t always want to be with people. It gets tiring.

..and then i have decided to write about how i feel about you, a little, everyday, right here, in my world, where i say how i feel but i dont need to tell you so.

i wear your t-shirt to sleep, i wet myself at night, then i watch you this morning and get high.

i am living a lusty life; i dont think you would want me if you ever get to see this side of me, ever.

but i still miss you so much and want you so bad; even though we just chatting with each other for 14 minutes, without really talking about anything, hearing your voice somehow smooth me.

i like how we want to still keep in touch twice a day, once in the morning and once at night to say good night.

guten morgen and gute nacht. these phrases will stick with me forever.

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

My days seem so so empty now, without you, i never thought i will ever going to say that.

After nine months, we finally decided to say goodbye, hearts after hearts, quote after quote. It wasn't the first time and only time that you have been telling me repeatedly that you will be very happy being together with me, for the rest of your life. You would've asked me to live with you if only the circumstances allowed so, but I want to say that I at least know you a little and the man I love is exactly how you are.

Every time we made love, you fall for me a little more. Just as I say goodbye, a bit of me die a little each time. You said you like this country more because of me. I am happy to know that.

We know this relationship will not last for long, you are a good man, married with a happy family and a good life, have your own dreams, thing you want to archive, the thinking that you stick to, talking about the meaning of life, but I love you for who you really are, this two weeks together with you makes me realise that even more. 

Right after you pick me up from the airport, I already feel that this trip will be a great one and the one where both of us are ready to say goodbye. We love each other also because of that, we think the same. 

The weather was amazing the whole two weeks I'm with you, make it almost perfect. The coffee, muesli, the iPad, the music, the news, you need to work, greeting you after work, sitting in your garden, I wasn't trying too hard and try to be somebody to you, hence i restrain myself with your house work, reminder, laundry, only your wife can do that for you and I clearly know that, your office, the place you pump the gas, I'm as your temporary translator, how I got upset because you called me name which I hated, because I am thinking we are more than that, happy city, each meal, gym membership, each direction, each long drive, ikea, sheng yang, Harbin, sitting by the river side, people watching, Chang bai Shang, your car, all the annoyance, agitation, roundabout, parks, traffic, coffee, dessert, barbecue,skewed meat, beer, wine, hot pot,  big breakfast, breaking coffee cup, cycling, swimming, grocery shopping, quietly giving u moment to make phone calls, the way u make fun of me and the way u call me your bastard. Watched a movie, at cinema, at home, the two hotels we stayed, u learning Chinese, the little things. You gave me your kindle, I know you feel bad and just want to give me something, but to me this trip you suggested was the best parting gift, ever. I don't need anything more, but your love and all these precious memories. 

I was glad I have knocked your door and took me with you so that we spent our last day in the bed longer, we both afraid to say a lot of things, which we know deep down what exactly was it, I'm independent and strong, I want no trouble from you and I ask nothing out of you, you admire me of being so, saying that I did well for myself, hoping that I will find a man who is able to make me happy. There is no guarantee in life, I don't know about man, but I can promise you at least I will be myself and continue on well. As for you I want you to be happy always in whatever way you do. I cherish this special relationship we had very much and I don't think that will ever change. Every little small things now will only remind me of you. 

I like that you say you know me a little, in fact you knew me quite well. My impatience, how in a lot of ways, we are alike. The way i flap my hands when the light turns green, how I squeezed your hand a little during traffic. Really, only all these small little things. 

You have no idea how badly I wanted to jump in your car and hold you when I see you turn around to have one last look at each other but I know that i can't make this love too important, in the end we have to leave anyway, we know it. 

May you be well, my forever darling. For no one can ever replace that, ever. We will see us again, some day, some way, some how, or maybe never. 

Monday, July 18, 2016

So much light and so empty.

I hate you. I really do. I know why now. All my clothes i took out from my luggage smell of you.

Thursday, July 14, 2016

The beauty of things must be…that they end.

Hi N. 

Do you know how do i really feel? I feel this constant happiness and sadness whenever i think of you and us. All the memories that we have had that make me crave for more and also sad that we can't have it anymore. I sometimes put up a little wall again to force myself into believing that we both will be fine, life will go on without you but it is not as easy anymore as you have been part of my life, even just for a short 9 months. To be honest the wall is long gone, i just find myself being incredibly easy and comfortable around you. We have our own opinion and thought yet we make room for each other to be together in a good way. Perhaps we will encounter hard time, argument, fight, disagreement if we stay with each other and we will both fight hard i believe.... The funny thing is i am not worry about that at all, honestly, even when that really happen i truly believe i want to make things work with you and i positively think we will get thru things, our way. People say opposite attracts, while i find that we are a lot of things alike but also has our differences to still be together, it amazes me, really. I know the clean cut thing is something i put up so i may be able to get thru things easier, but i dont want to lose you. But it will not be easy.  We will never be able to be with each other again intimately physically, we spoke before,  also we can't be the type sitting in starbucks and talk for three hours without kissing and hugging. We may not have sex but i will still kiss you, hug you, feel you if i ever get to see you again, as a really good friend. We are that kind of relationship. you are not them, you are mine. you can't be and won't be them, it's not the same, you are you, you are different and special to me. I don't want to take away from you anything. But to know that we walk away from each other for good is a stupid idea... But to Not share with you how i feel, to not be able to make fun, joke with you, to not be able to say i miss you, i like you, i love you is also kind of stupid.

Maybe with time and distance it will happen, things will get easier eventually because we both have our lives to live separately. I want you to be happy, have a great life with your family, do all the things and achieve things you wish in life.  Maybe we contact less and in the end feel less and less. A lot of maybe but no answer. I guess in the end, time will tell. For now we keep the hearts going. I don't think i can keep silent to not talk to you knowing that you are there. 

I will forever miss news that you tell me, your coffee, your muesli, a lot of little little things but most of all..... You.

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Follow your heart but take your brain with you.

When you tell me that i make you feel alive, how would that make her feel?
Didn't she make you feel alive too?

Thursday, July 7, 2016

His heart turned over at the kindness of her eyes.

Are you genuinely happy?
I have about twenty years of living
And I'm thinking what could be next
Because we have to admit
We will not be in each other's life
Not in the way we would imagine to be.