Tuesday, July 19, 2016

My days seem so so empty now, without you, i never thought i will ever going to say that.

After nine months, we finally decided to say goodbye, hearts after hearts, quote after quote. It wasn't the first time and only time that you have been telling me repeatedly that you will be very happy being together with me, for the rest of your life. You would've asked me to live with you if only the circumstances allowed so, but I want to say that I at least know you a little and the man I love is exactly how you are.

Every time we made love, you fall for me a little more. Just as I say goodbye, a bit of me die a little each time. You said you like this country more because of me. I am happy to know that.

We know this relationship will not last for long, you are a good man, married with a happy family and a good life, have your own dreams, thing you want to archive, the thinking that you stick to, talking about the meaning of life, but I love you for who you really are, this two weeks together with you makes me realise that even more. 

Right after you pick me up from the airport, I already feel that this trip will be a great one and the one where both of us are ready to say goodbye. We love each other also because of that, we think the same. 

The weather was amazing the whole two weeks I'm with you, make it almost perfect. The coffee, muesli, the iPad, the music, the news, you need to work, greeting you after work, sitting in your garden, I wasn't trying too hard and try to be somebody to you, hence i restrain myself with your house work, reminder, laundry, only your wife can do that for you and I clearly know that, your office, the place you pump the gas, I'm as your temporary translator, how I got upset because you called me name which I hated, because I am thinking we are more than that, happy city, each meal, gym membership, each direction, each long drive, ikea, sheng yang, Harbin, sitting by the river side, people watching, Chang bai Shang, your car, all the annoyance, agitation, roundabout, parks, traffic, coffee, dessert, barbecue,skewed meat, beer, wine, hot pot,  big breakfast, breaking coffee cup, cycling, swimming, grocery shopping, quietly giving u moment to make phone calls, the way u make fun of me and the way u call me your bastard. Watched a movie, at cinema, at home, the two hotels we stayed, u learning Chinese, the little things. You gave me your kindle, I know you feel bad and just want to give me something, but to me this trip you suggested was the best parting gift, ever. I don't need anything more, but your love and all these precious memories. 

I was glad I have knocked your door and took me with you so that we spent our last day in the bed longer, we both afraid to say a lot of things, which we know deep down what exactly was it, I'm independent and strong, I want no trouble from you and I ask nothing out of you, you admire me of being so, saying that I did well for myself, hoping that I will find a man who is able to make me happy. There is no guarantee in life, I don't know about man, but I can promise you at least I will be myself and continue on well. As for you I want you to be happy always in whatever way you do. I cherish this special relationship we had very much and I don't think that will ever change. Every little small things now will only remind me of you. 

I like that you say you know me a little, in fact you knew me quite well. My impatience, how in a lot of ways, we are alike. The way i flap my hands when the light turns green, how I squeezed your hand a little during traffic. Really, only all these small little things. 

You have no idea how badly I wanted to jump in your car and hold you when I see you turn around to have one last look at each other but I know that i can't make this love too important, in the end we have to leave anyway, we know it. 

May you be well, my forever darling. For no one can ever replace that, ever. We will see us again, some day, some way, some how, or maybe never. 

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