Monday, May 30, 2016

Sometimes you have to lie. But to yourself you must always tell the truth.

sometimes knowing someone new open you up to different perspective; yet another married man; an unexpected affair; he has his own reason; he is expressive; praise me and compliment me the whole night and he meant it; he said; we got along amazingly well; but it makes me misses him more and more. 

Sunday, May 29, 2016

True sorrow is as rare as true love.

we thought we only want to talk about our next visit; and then we hit the panic button all over again and get into this sad state where we thought we want to be parted so that everything will be ok; but it is not going to be ok; because we found the root cause it is not about us interfering each other's life; it's more on the track of we fell deeply in love and we want to be together every single moment that we can manage; it is not so much about guilt but the agony of not be able to be together; so after two days of wasted contemplation we have made the decision to still go on; there was this honesty you shared with  her and the action she made which i realise you guy are still care for each other; as a deep commitment has been agreed with years ago and it is not something shake-able; at least not for now; i want to be with you in our little way that we have been through; because there is just not a single moment of the things i see; i hear; i feel; i tough that didnt remind me of you; the idea of being away from you is already difficult to bear; the last thing i want to do is to lose you; which i do not want to; i know i will go to hell for this; but this is a sin that i want to bear for the rest of my life.

Saturday, May 28, 2016

When I fall in love, it will be forever.

i realise that every time you talk about her i have this instant reaction to stop everything immediately because i am afraid i am hurting other; but what about my happiness? what about me? i am hurting too; so then after we calm down and think again what makes me realise more is that we can never be parted; at least not right away; because in the end; you already have issues before i even barge in; maybe i slowly slipping thru the crack and make it bigger which is not my intention at all; if anything i wish you and her very well but at the side we remain as us without interfering your relationship with her; but is that even possible that you being this two person always all the time; threading carefully on broken ice every step of the way; i do not have the answer; i really hope you can manage.

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

He looked at her the way all girls wanted to be looked at.

I ask you what do you want from me..............."I want that you never leave me", you said.

Monday, May 23, 2016

To hurt is as human as to breathe.

I was really anxious and i left the event early just to be close with you, thanks for booking my flight and invite me for this trip, it was an amazing 5 day 4 nights. 

Our little boutique hotel was by the Pearl River side. 

Being a typical tourist and going to attractions was not really our main point. 

We had everything all booked, food, room, all inclusive. 

Although they have repeated the menu a few days we didn't really mind, we would've mentioned to them earlier on the change and got it for the last day of lunch.

A nice dinner and we had cocktail over looking the pearl river on the 6th floor on the hotel bar.

I bought a sparking white wine, we had it on our third night. 

There was all these long stroll. First day was raining then the rest of the days weather was so sunny and fine. 

I bought a pair of new shoes.

You spotted a tea cup you like in the book store; i drove you away and i bought it for you; because you rarely you say you like something and i thought it was something that i can get for you.

You kept on saying underground that i mistaken as tunnel.

There were some hiccups on the wrong direction, wrong walk, no turning back, we juts walk a lot, took a cab which the driver rude drove me crazy, and also the beer that cost so much more than usual. we dont see the point in arguing anyway; you just letting me be. 

We went to some memorial center, check out the tower, the business district. 

You were talking about how you slowly getting used to the place. 

We still reluctantly not crossing some lines. 

I was hiding inside the bathroom which you didn't feel comfortable about, i dont want to interfere. 

We had so much fun, we just simply miss each other too much to bring out hard topic. 

We opened hearts, listened music and just simply enjoying our time being together, together, where we hope this moment will last forever and ever.

You are the one that i can be married to - i will not never forget you say that; this is not something you will be able to forget for a long long time.

Friday, May 13, 2016

We don’t know who we are until we see what we can do.

i think it is possible that after a while we do not know what to talk about anymore. 

Saturday, May 7, 2016

To be desired is perhaps the closest anybody in this life can reach to feeling immortal.

i desire you so much;
even without you beside me;
you made me want you even more;
i do not know if you know this;
you have the power to make me want to build a new life with you;
this i never thought i would ever wanted with anyone; someone;

now there is you.

i love you. 

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Just living is not enough. One must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower.

you are back from your long trip; your usual away trip; you said every time when you are back you will call me first; i am touch; you are still a dear friend; we sitting there; first night; having beers; updating each other you about the trip; me about my life and the man i created; i asked if you met someone; you said no; you normally do; maybe you lying; maybe you were telling the truth; i dont know and i dont know what to believe anymore; i still care but just not so much anymore; you and her still didn't change; she is pretending nothing happen; you letting it be; i cant; i am not the type that can go on living a life pretending that nothing happen; we happened; us happened; for eight years and its kind of a big deal; so i think you will not understand completely how i feel and again made the decision to do this; de javu all over again; then second night; we bought beer this time; had it at your place; you said you read the letter; i was not surprise; because you supposed to; but you just take it as another time; that everything is going to be the same; you thought you can just walk back into my life as usual; hold me; kiss me; make love to me and then i walk away feeling empty; not this time; i have another him in my life this time; i stated pretty clearly in my letter; that is why everything feel different; even the tone in my letter seems different; i sound tired; perhaps more insisted and determined; perhaps i am tired; worn down; it has been 8 years, dont you? you are not; you still want it to go on; "you are my beautiful addiction"; you said; you kept saying you want me; you want to make love to me; i dont feel it anymore; not like i used to; even the way you touch me and kiss me didn't seem to attract me anymore; it feels robotic and dry; there's no love; not the real genuine type; the type that you feel passionate about; i do not feel interested; maybe it's because of me; maybe it's him; maybe finally i figure out this stop has to be it; maybe it's a lot of things; maybe it's the eight years effect, it just seem like yesterday we know each other; you didnt age at all; but i am not feeling the same; not at all; not anymore.

Tuesday, May 3, 2016

In order to move on, you must understand why you felt what you did and why you no longer need to feel it.

We are apart even then we are talking about stuff i would think we will not touch, especially with you, a married man. Having baby. Family. You and I; we want to go on but we can not go on; eventually in the end i will just have to tell myself to be brave enough and give you a kiss on your forehead; then gently very gently say goodbye; GOODBYE.

Monday, May 2, 2016

I’m like everybody else: weak, full of mistakes, but basically good.

Because we just can't lie to ourselves to say that this is something else or eventually this will become something else, simply because we know it just won't and never will be.

The end.