Sunday, January 31, 2016

You can destroy your now by worrying about tomorrow.

I just have to accept the fact that people you love may not be the people you are together with, and that your life goes on, that you would have to lie to yourself for the rest of your life because life does go on and you have to do what you need to, build a family, have kids, like ordinary folks and then put your love story behind. 

Saturday, January 30, 2016

I can’t afford to hate anyone. I don’t have that kind of time.

For five hours.  None of us utter a word of commitment to each other at all. None. Zero. This clearly means something. The final draw was when you say we sleeping with each  other doesnt mean that we are back together, that was like a totally wtf moment. i give up, completely. i was utterly speechless. 

Friday, January 29, 2016

I’ll walk forever with stories inside me that the people I love the most can never hear.

so we see each other again; albeit short; we wanted to as you also were thinking about the same thing when can we meet again; it is better than nothing; that you always reply; sometimes i prefer to wait; as if i wait long enough that all feelings will fade and you will kind of forget about me; you make me talk about my past; and how i remember when i was a kid that one day my dad carry me to my bed when i fell asleep and how i wish i can have that again; the wish that i could be from a more loving and caring family; and also we talk about my sister; all these things; this is one of the quiet time that we had among of the many sessions that we have been together; too many thoughts flying around in both of our heads; i know that.

i keep you; if i could.

me too; me too.

Thursday, January 28, 2016

People inspire you, or they drain you — pick them wisely.

trust me; you said; i start to trust you more and more already; and that is what i am afraid of.

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Once in a while, it really hits people that they don’t have to experience life in the way they have been told to.

you make me so happy; even such short lunch; you were there way ahead of me by half an hour; i like the playfulness of yours; although i think you are a serious person; and how the Starbucks staffs were driving you crazy; i like all of it; how we talk about work and some other random stuff; how human behaviour works at time; all so seamless and subtle; you always want to win; i allow you to and dont even mind; i gave you a fine on your windshield; and you knock my car crazily at the stopping traffic light; i really really fall for you and i have no words for that; at least not for now; until the day we need to say goodbye.

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

If I ever let you down, it’s not because I don’t love you. It’s because I don’t love myself.

You asked me not to worry, not to think about you and worry, but I do worry, its part of me, part of my life and its the price im willing to pay being with you.

Monday, January 25, 2016

you were already gone long time ago.

i see you on Monday, for 4 hours, i was asking you when you have to go, you mentioned 6pm to 7pm, dinner time with family, i just feel so so sad like i have fell into a pool of sadness that i can never get out of, i never know you can feel such strong emotion for someone, i say just go, you say sorry, but who am i to be here into the same game deserving an apology, i dont, you were here early without i even said yes, you said you can wait, eventually the goodbye will come and i will hate you for making me cry so much, it's time to re-discuss and reconsider to end everything now, dont you think? because when you say i can spend five hour with you doing this, in my head i already know the answer; but you dont have 5 hours, although with all the conversation that we had and love that we made.

Friday, January 22, 2016

I just miss you, in a quite simple desperate human way.

it's 10:00am; you helped me pull and tidy up the bedsheet; it's quite all over the place; you had a shower after me; still we are on our bed and have so much things and emotions to share; randomly about religious women; illegally sleeping; snooping around; getting caught; you mentioning we are married or engaged as if everything is real; we tend to compare; i said he is taller than you; then you say some other size measurement; it's not fair; even with race; we cant compare; maybe handwriting; then you said i was using your weakness against you; but i didnt; i thought it was just too cute not to mention it; i cried again feeling sad you are going to leave; you didnt say when because you dont know it yet; soon you say; but why does it matter; as long as this is the price you are willing to pay; that you willing to settle; even there's a possibility there's a better me out there; that's why we settle; that's why we are here now; never ever think twice; as we both tease about each other sexually; that you are a decent man; that i avoid you being vulgar after the session; what are we suppressing about; that you need me and think about me all the time; the word "always" become so strong and i always go against people that say thing and then cant deliver; i hate that; you want me; i ask you not to leave me; i beg you not to go; eventually you have to; i know that; you say you want to bring me there; but i do not want an empty promise; even jokingly; i hate them; you will not leave her; because that is not you; and you are not unhappy; but why is this happening; so im thinking what are we doing here; but i just cant helped it because i fall for you too much and too strong to pull away; when you lick me ever so gently; i totally surrender right there; right there at that exact moment; if everything happen and i rewind it; i see you undress just to get comfortable; we had yogurts on the bed; and how i realise you open the lid of the yogurt for me even though i didnt ask you to when i ready to grab the other one and you told me that one was for me; in my head i was just too myself to actually realise that someone who into you actually will do things for you even without you asking them to; that i know you wanted to; effortlessly willing to; and i want to do the same thing to you because of the energy when im being around you; the love that i always feel when you hold me tight in your arms; we had coffee in the bed and then i see you showing up at my door at 7 o'clock in the morning and you say it;s a tiny mini little bit of surprise; you even tell me that i look good all the time; even though you promise only to come to me at 7.30 am in the morning.......and that really makes my days; it really does.

Thursday, January 21, 2016

Nobody likes being alone that much. I don’t go out of my way to make friends, that’s all. It just leads to disappointment.

I didn't say I'm not gonna see you, I just told you that would be the last, little did I know that you miss me, you miss the feeling your chest touching mine and when our legs cross together, touching each other ever so lightly, arousing you, and my tattoo; for three times and I got the forth, you said the more you didn't get it those more you yearn for it and the feeling accumulate, then explode. Isn't it true? So so true. 

Most times, it’s just a lot easier not to let the world know what’s wrong.

this is my own; as we promised to still see each other again; again; and over again.

every kisses that we will be able to leave; every hugs that we will be able to give; every love that we will be able to make; i dont want to miss every single one of them; even though i do not know how many would all that be.

this is me and you and us.

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

We had everything to say to each other, but no ways to say it.

In my head i always have this invisible line that i dare not cross. A part of me remains logical because i know its dangerous to fall too deep with you, there has to be a back door. It is no one's fault and u hv to remember that. We both sign up for this, together. i just feel so happy that you say you want to lie here with me, do nothing and listen to our favourite music, that's all i need, really. 

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

She scares the hell out of me and calms my soul at the same time. Maybe that’s what love is—a total contradiction that somehow balances out.

the feeling with you is so real is actually frightening; i start to drown myself in you and hated the fact that one day you will leave and forever you will not be mine; no matter how i yell it out from the top of my lung that i need you, i love you, i long for you, i want to be with you; please stay; dont leave me; you told me about other stories how they can fall for someone where they have already a committed relationship; you used to be in awe; ironically this is what happening now; but i know you are a good man; no matter what in the end you will walk away; leaving me there sitting in the corner; sobbing; crying; regretting all this fantastic moments that we have spent together; the things that feel so wrong but also so damn right; i need you but in actual fact you know you dont; you say thing matter-of-factly because you think this is what you feel right here right now; we met each other; all the wait; an office visit surprise; coffee in the middle of the day; sneak a 30 minutes meet in between meetings; the excitement; staying a night together; bought sushi; beer; listening to our songs; we actually have a song; holding each other; ignoring calls; talk about brand loyalty; simplicity; forcing feeling; how we react because we feel for a person and then react that way without that someone pushing us what to do; feeling that should be natural; i even sickly like it when you say me and him broke up the right time and glad that phone call didnt work out; and you say if you were him single & free of commitment you would know what to do with me doubtlessly; but you are not him;  i fall for you in no way i fall for other; i will forever compare; you and him; or any other guy that i may potentially date; how can i give such love to someone and now i dont know whether i will be able to give this to other; someone as you; you were telling me about her; i'm in denial and do not know what i can do with that information; in front of you i dont mind to lose; im too weak to win; in front of you i am just not so strong headed anymore; i give in; i surrender; for you; to you; even if you dont want me to.

"I’m not just falling in love with you. I’m falling into you. You’re an ocean, and I’m falling in, drowning in the depths of who you are. Like you said, it’s scary in a way, but it’s also the most amazing thing I’ve ever experienced. You are the most amazing thing I’ve ever experienced."
— Jasinda Wilder

Monday, January 18, 2016

It always shocked me when I realized that I wasn’t the only person in the world who thought and felt such strange and awful things.

did you know you still give me the butterfly? and we didn't even see each other; we were just on the phone chatting; making plan for tomorrow; what about her then? dont you want to wake up beside her? wasnt she the one that you love and vowed to love until death do both you apart? i am confuse but i also feel loved; i want to hold on to this feeling until it lasts; until you tell me that you have to go; until i get that confirmation that we no longer be in each other's life; until then; right until then i am willing to carry my sin to hell and be this other woman; standing in between you life and hers that is supposed to be together; which i want this to happen to badly i feel no sense of guilt about it; at all; at all. 

Saturday, January 16, 2016

I don’t know, maybe I just wanted to be alone. Maybe I just didn’t want to be social because antisocial people have a whole lot less to lose.

I don't mean i love you differently as in not loving you 100%. It's just that I'm simply fall in love with a married man. That's the short answer.

The long answer would be, the difference is i can't announce my love to you in public, we can't hold hand anywhere we like, i can't introduce you as my boyfriend..... And all the other thing you can think of normal couple can do.

I know i make it sounds sad and negative but it is also the truth because we can't lie to ourselves with this love that we have for each other which we always want more and at the same time with inevitable sadness, also because this is not something right. But we can't stop emotion right? Love is after all love.

But we are in no wrong or right at this, again we are two grown-ups just so happen to meet each other now at this point of our lives and magically developing this relationship.

It's the choice that we make. I read this line the other day: if your relationship has to remain a secret, you should not be in it. At first I feel down, but after that i thought about it, i am feeling such joy together with you which is nothing i feel with anyone ever before, does it matter now if it's a secret? Maybe it will matter later but definitely not right now.

Right now i just want to spend as much time with you as i can.

Am i crazy? Or am i making sense? Or you will agree with me because you are with me and biased with whatever I'm saying? I don't know which is which anymore.

Friday, January 15, 2016

It’s a most distressing affliction to have a sentimental heart and a skeptical mind.

Im glad because only friend will say that kind of thing to you, she said I'm not forgiving to those who close to me, but im really good with my friend, i have to admit, she is right, thats who i am, then she said i should be like my other friend, but wont that makes me not who i am, will it matter? It matters to me, i realise, to be happy, to be now at the moment feeling joy every second and minute i get to spend with him; for now that is basically enough.

Thursday, January 14, 2016

You don’t want to let go but don’t want to be hurt, either.

but now we are slowly building so much memories; the two minute late argument; the nervousness of being late; getting me coffee; bringing me things from home; optimistic; pessimistic; im still too shy to do everything for you like cooking; we spent approximately six hours in bed just wildly making love and chit chat; we were not even complaining the lack of food where we both rather just stay in bed all day long; we are still at that stage; where i begin to tell you too much; where i am still try to keep that back door somehow at the back of my head; finally you realizing his existence; that i will meet him at the end of the month; half of the stories; half of what ive been thru; the time we broke up; i didn't say exactly why; i started seeing you while i still sort of dating him; i am this unfaithful person; i would if i could; but if you are that guy; i will not be able to find a reason to sleep around simply because you are being you; i fall head over heels for you; deeply; insatiable; we cant just lie down and listen to songs; we tried; it did not work out; every motion; emotion; sweat; pant; have you in it, everything; i hope you dont share the same fear as i; while you were telling me to stay with you i can't but thinking you still have a home to go back to; while i have no one and i dont want to settle and change just to please him; that wont be me; i would marry a photocopy of you in a heart beat and you said you would at least ask me to live with you; these little talks warm my hear instantly; while we having grape; playing throwing around; you told me more about musical; cult and music you like; slowly into your world; as i did with mine; we dont even need a book full with jokes; or even watch porn together; we are just naturally come up with things to do and say; we fit; i am reluctant to think so; but i do feel so; just in denial mode; because afterall; even if i say i love you; even if i do; so what? what will it bring? what does it all mean? though still with wee bit of reservation; i know time will come and it will hurt; but i want you now; right now and i really dont care much about whatever else; i just care about you now; but i am never brave enough; im so hapy you already making plans with me in March; and that you want to already see me again like this next week; to spend more time together; as for me; im too cautious; too too cautious; way too cautious. 

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

The thing I’m most afraid of is me. Of not knowing what I’m going to do. Of not knowing what I’m doing right now.

you have changed my perspective on love; commitment; relationship so much within this short spam of time; what i used to think i want to achieve seems to be not that important anymore; when you are in love are you behavior that way because your partner also does the same thing? or you simply just being who you are and want them to like you as much? i cant say for sure and you have blurred that line; i start to get confuse; i know i doing something bad; but this is just so bad and it feels so good and so insatiable. 

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Every wall is a door.

you had me again at starbucks; we are sharing more; your wife reaction; the betrayal; the lies; the unsettling feeling that we might get caught; the worrisome nights wondering about how to split time; about being unfair; about responsibilities; about commitment; the wish and desire to see you and spend time with you overpowering all the sad part; i just want to be with you; i need you; that's all it takes; saturday was too short; we already plan for another meeting; i only have time thursday; your mother will be in town; the gap is too long; tuesday lunch; finally we nailed it; such temptation; we texting continuously; we had a great time on a long sofa; lunch and chit chatting as if the world is only the two of us; hoping that time will stop right here right now; i share more; my work; my joy; my excitement; what i heard on the news; further discussion; faking sick leave just to chase every single second that i will be able to spend with you; i like your metaphor of chocolate; we have not enough of it; so additive; you dropped the receipt; the silly game; i dont even care if i lost; it's the joy of playing and fooling around with each other; holding your hands secretly say i love you and thinking that you are mine; we have to ask; otherwise we wont tell; thats what we set up from the beginning; i also realise that; once we are doing this; there is no turning back; how can you even make me a commitment where there is nothing for you to give; how can that be; happiness seems so right; i want here; now; i will demand for more; eventually; and you will soon and finally realise i am just another greedy bastard; uninteresting soul; then in the end; let go of me for good; forever. 

Monday, January 11, 2016

Sunday, January 10, 2016

You are a fever I am learning to live with, and everything is happening at the wrong end of a very long tunnel.

it's our 3 months together; i didnt even realise it; i gave you a book that i wanted to give you; i lend you another book and want you to return it then i secretly put music in your thumb-drive so you will accidentally discover it; but you insist to give it to me then i have to tell you about it; now that you telling me you like all the music; that just makes me happy.

Saturday, January 9, 2016

And now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.

So this is our final decision ; to keep seeing each other as long as we can ; coz we begin to get sick of this emotional roller coaster bullshit; you told me several reasons ; one, maybe in the end we realize us as a bad match then eventually parted; second, since we will be parting anyway why now, why don't we stick until the end, third i forgot what it was, third one was the possibility in the end something good might work out; which i am sure that will not be the case; because you said the paid is good and the task is interesting; i cried a lot; you did too; this whole thing just making me so sad in the beginning; but we manage to talk about it and have a little laugh; and you also quote your daughter relationship in which to me its a total different thing, but everytime seeing you just confirmed that how much i enjoy seeing you, the emotions you stir up; i didn't give you that letter ; im keeping you; and you told me about your sexual life with your wife and all the lies ; business trip ; early drive ; maybe she already suspect ; i dont know how long we can last; i scare to guess; i dont want to know ; not for now anyway ; anyway; we talked about our first sex, mastubation, affair and househusband; random stuff; we were listening to our songs and I'm glad that you pay more attention to the lyrics; you always been supportive and want to let me know that you care; making it so easy for me to be with you effortlessly; i know you have to go in the end; can you just let me say it anyway; dont go; please dont go; please; you ask me to spend a night with you again soon; i promise you i will; you want more time with me; as i want it with you too ; i know that now; stay with me; u said; i dont want to lose you; please just let me be with you for however long we could have and be. I love you. I do now. 

Friday, January 8, 2016

I know you’ll never love me but maybe you’ll stay for awhile.

You told me about the news; i know it will eventually happen; just didn't expect to be so soon; i feel sad, only sad, there is no other emotion at this point of time; can i say at least i enjoy these three short months moment with you; i can never be with you and own you i know that; yet i want more; i always find way to end it first; simply because the easiest way out will be within my control whenever i want to say so; so i dont need to leave it to time, fate, you or any other thing that is unreliable; I'm selfish; i only trust myself.

Thursday, January 7, 2016

I missed you even when I was with you. That’s been my problem. I miss what I already have, and I surround myself with things that are missing.

you gave me a crazy surprise; 6:15am; coffee; you dont need a reason; really you dont; also you have concern; what if i am not alone; but i was; you will be upset if i am dating; but you dont entitle to that because you are married; you will stil be happy to be with me; the aftershock is severe; even the during-shock; i didnt know how to react; it was so good is bad; i really didnt expect; you are the least on my surprise guest list; simply because you have a married life to keep and manage; we spent such a great time together; talking; wondering; discussing; things that you wont tell friend; about affair; about just sitting there 10 minutes without staring at phone or doing something else; just plain being together; even staring each other; enjoying the moment; you say you are my boyfriend and then i stir up and argue you always say that; "always" is critical during an argument; you have to be precise if this is really always; this one word could hurt a relationship; you are right; i also share with you my lousy surprises; then i am now your somehow girlfriend and your are my somehow boyfriend, somehow. i like that; somehow. i do.

later in the day; we still went on our lunch date; because we want to; because however much time we get to spend together we will opt for that; we talked about my long distance relationship; you suspect that i am one that love my space and dont even mind a long distance relationship because i am just used to being alone; again you are right and i wonder how you can see thru me so quickily; we just knew each other for 3 months; you told me your mum is coming to town; i start to think how much time we can spend together; and also how not so deep of a relationship you had with your mum as i am the same with mine; i like how you just want me to give you a ride so that you can spend even a few more minutes together; i sense that; i notice; the three short months i spent with you is far more better than any of the long relationship that i had which never even come close to bring so much joy; such happiness in such a short time; who would have thought?

let's just stay lying to whoever it is so that we can have such such great time, shall we?

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

And it hurts so much to want something you can’t have.

i like the way how you fold your clothes and you put it outside on the sofa;
i like the way how you actually saw the book and then pretend that you didn't so that you can visit me again the next time;
i like how we both taste the chocolate in our mouth that i say it's disgusting but actually liking it;
i like so many many things with you;
i like you so much and i dont know whether i should do this more or do this less;
pls dont think about it now, you said;
i know for sure that i am going to hell for this;
yet, i want it more;
i just have to do more of it.

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Monday, January 4, 2016

I understand that nobody understands me, but I can’t be someone I’m not.

we head out for dinner; something hold you back at work and we were not able to get sushi for dinner; i dont mind; my past relationship trained me to be more patience; less anxious; try to be calm; we joke and had a good laugh; then we were together again alone; with fantastic jazz music selection; there is line still i dont cross; there's boundaries that i will not push; you say you like me and you need me very much; i wonder why; you still keep on talking about your wife; you mention about being a boyfriend and even a husband; how can that be? i am old enough to not fall for this kind of serious joke; i talk to you about how all my past relationships suck and how i am keeping you from my friend because what is there to tell them when i can not even convince myself we are having a genuine real relationship that we can expose; you want to know i am being myself; i understand that; this is not anyone's fault; this is the choice that we make; that we want to be together at this very exact moment; you said you are keeping surprise for me; i couldn't wait; you share with me songs; you left the book there on the table so you can come back; you never need any excuses anyway; you can always come back; come back; even you always beat me at the nose game.

Sunday, January 3, 2016

What I am is enough if I would only be it openly.

do you know how easy it is for you to come back into my life?

you just need to say.

"Should we meet, to make peace? This could help."

i totally surrender;
even though;
i can see myself crying my heart out;
desperately hate you for the rest of my life;
but right here right now this exact moment;
that line was what i wanted to hear;
most importantly;
you said it;
you did.

Friday, January 1, 2016

Love is so short and forgetting is so long.

you said that you love me and that you are pretty sure about it; not one hundred percent; but close enough; always leave a back door; always; so you can leave when i am not looking.

happy new year to you; to me; to us.

i'm glad you asked to meet; we both are shy; we both feel there are some lines that we do not cross;  at least not now; or perhaps never; i was glad i m sharing more with you; little by little; that you are sticking with me; at least for now.

i love you too.