i am sick and tired of always telling you that i am not good enough for you. i am good enough for myself, i am the person i want myself to be.
i will only be good enough if you think i am good enough, otherwise i will never be and will always have to change myself to accommodate you, by not being myself.
i also often confuse when you tell me that i am good enough, i have a strong character, this and that and then some but always lacking in some other, are you praising me or condemning me or simply being sarcastic?
i truly believe if you love someone, you will let them be, the best and worst version of themselves, you compromise and you love them for being who they are. this is not a defend mechanism, i am good and i know so, With you, i always have to argue my way and defend myself to find my place somehow, im getting tired of it.
no one can ask you to change your mind about me, if even yourself find me not worthy of your love. (or is there love?)
i guess what this weekend all about is that we talked about everything and nothing, you also told me that you are not ready, you have your reservation because it will take too much to lose your so called freedom, it will take too much for you to back down and it will take too much for things to change. is this the reason why she and you can never work out, because none of you will compromise each other's life and back down, both of you are too strong headed and opinionated on each other's view and can stand no one. we know a lot of things all along and yet we went round circle talking about the same old thing. this is really like a broken record. we cant move forward.
honestly, i dont know how our life is going to be, i dont even know what will happen tomorrow, one thing for sure is that, the time that i have spent with you, you brought things on the table i value, like your advice, your no bull sit attitude, excluding your sadness and some of your outlook in life which i dont necessarily agree but i can say you are a straight forward guy, you care for me like no other and i appreciate that. (maybe i dont make you feel anything, hence you dont feel i am bringing anything to the table)
i do not want you to bring yourself down to any lower level, and i dont necessary get to climb up to your level. what have i offer you thus far? is there anything you value out of me? if the answer is no then i dont understand why are you sticking around. i see a reason for me to, but i dont see yours? now after a year, dont you think it is no longer about me upping my game, it is just a matter of are we or can we accept each other of who we are. have we try hard enough to work things out to be with each other?
i dont know if there can be a black and white/ cut and dried answer to that, if there is, thing will be much more easier for both you and I.
we know nothing about love and yet only love can sustain this to make us feel alive, otherwise everything we are talking about start to feel like business proposition where we are together because we have certain value to offer, that we can use each other and that's all.
i am not apologizing for this mail being ruthless and blunt, sick of being nice to each other, maybe the truth is this kind of words need to be said so it will be out of the way and makes us re-think of this whole relationship, or was there even a relationship to begin with?