Wednesday, February 10, 2016

You are so brave and quiet I forget you are suffering.

i was doing my dissertation at home; we were texting; i thought you were working far away in KL; in your office; you totally took me by surprise; right until i saw you park and walk into that Starbucks; i couldn't believe my eyes; it feels so unreal; there and then i had you in my arms; still in shock; you said you thought about it for days to give me a surprise; maybe drop something at my front door; thinking about the best gift; something not too big or small; or afraid someone may take it away; all the things that i would also rather you didn't do; but you are right here in front of me; 4 hours drive in total; i said you are silly but deep down i am happy; how can i not be; i was telling you this surprise will be so hard to beat; but let's not make this whole surprise thing into a competition; must you win? until now im biased though; i still like you so much; i brought you to another place as Starbucks was just too crowded; i was speechless and shock; just too happy to see you; you said you couldn't wait for any longer; not seeing each other for two weeks is just long; that you thought i might forget you; that's kind of impossible at this point; we promised we will see each other once we get back to the city from both our trip; that is a two weeks gap; it is too long; but i will never say it; i'm weak and too vulnerable to admit my love for you; who am i to you; i am still afraid; you were telling me about quarrel between your wife and you which i take it is normal for couple, especially a 25 year old couple and that there was this article you read about how to handle expectation; you did it gently; you said you did it right; in the end your partner must know it too; otherwise i guess expectation will just be overflow; because what i hear you say is from her side there will always be this unsatisfied expectation; maybe when we are together for 25 years the same thing will happen to us; i hope if the time comes i will still tell you gently what i want you to do for  me without having you to guess what is on my mind; we want us to always constantly tell each other things; always; i showed you my family photo and was telling you while it looks like a big happy family on the outside, on the inside it is slowly broken into small bit and pieces; in the end the value we hold will forever be different and i am just happily agree to disagree with you; you always say you wont push me to share if i want to; somehow whenever you said that i want to tell you more; simply because i really want to; i reluctant to do so maybe just because the more i tell you the more you are going to know me the harder it is for me to let go in the end; like how the book end : Holden’s final statement—“Don’t tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody”; here i am telling you all these stories and in the end makes me miss you more and more; i begin to; i really do and i begin to love you too; i hope that is a good thing; really really good thing. 

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