Thursday, June 29, 2017

Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air.

we continue the topic about conversation and connection; i asked you if you were more talkative before; you said you are the same person; i am not here to fix anything; it is awkward still to ask how you both are; because i do not want to know although it is an interesting topic; all this while you are only with her; where you may not even notice the changes; you used to be more attentive; loving; caring; maybe you are not; she becomes more demanding; because there's other too; comparison kicks in; i refuse to think about it; i skip the topic; i mentioned about things i talk with my mate; sex; number of people we slept with; that is not the main point; not everyone i can be open to; in the end; you said i build the wall again; why wont i? because when my wall comes tumbling down; when i get hurt; when i have pain in the end i have to still deal with it myself; you will not be there for me; you see me as a strong person; i am really not; i am after-all just a normal girl; we talk about finding that someone again; i yell at you; i do not want your pity and empathy; you have a family; i do not and that makes a major difference; i was letting it all out; saying that is not easy; saying that age changes things; saying that i am in a different phase in my life now; saying that thing was different when i was twenty; saying that i hit forty next year; saying that if i would have known you earlier how would it be; i would or would not stick by your side; society changes; people behavior changes; we may or may not swing; generations all are fucked up; we can't predict the future, can we now? this and that going round and round in circle; you will not understand; she said she is like air to you; you need her to breathe but you did not notice her existence; in the end at least she feels like air to you; with me, i do not feel like i am your anything; not at all; sad and true; but that's a story for another day. 

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