Tuesday, January 24, 2017

I’m smart enough to know that I’m dumb.

240117; 2100
i brought you a bottle of wine;
that you recommended;
you made time for me;
i look at you;
you cook for me even after a long day of work;
tomato salad; steak; fish; mixed potato;
all really tasty;
i pretend to be dumb enough not to know everything;
"no man has ever cook for you before, right?";
i nodded and smiled;
i turn on some music;
you showed me your burn mark;
which look amusingly funny;
i help with cleaning since i cant cook;
i was anxious and you saw that;
you asked me to relax;
you want an ice cream;
you ask me to just be calm and 2 seconds;
do nothing;
just hold your hands, sit with you and be calm;
because i am driving you crazy too;
and you do not need this;
you need the peace;
there's this very thin invisible line i am not crossing;
you told me about your daily morning routine;
what kind of relationship we building;
you said maybe in future you get me some cheap coffee;
maybe in the morning we can do something quick;
maybe i can have a green tea;
a lot of maybes;
but what does it all mean;
it means i can stay over longer;
hold your hand longer;
kiss you longer;
not to just have short fun sex;
not just compliment me that i have a great body and soft skin;
not just teasingly but actually mean it when you look at me and kiss me;
not shallowly; but with depth;
the kind of depth that i admire and can not get enough of;
i have been through too many rough times for me to believe that whatever passion i feel between you and i will turn into something real;
that'd be a lie;
you have your past that is still on your shoulder;
you will be going away;
i still wake up at 645 touching you very lightly;
afraid that i might wake you;
have no urge at all to have one last round with you before i go;
i just do not want to feel this hole inside without having something to fill it with;
im drained;
im exhausted;
not by you;
but by the hard thoughts that circling around my head;
in the end;
people are people;
all of us are selfish people;
that is just the way it is;
even someone close to you;
even that.

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