We are afraid to care too much, for fear that the other person does not care at all.

the weekend is here; as usual; we halt our usual chat just flirting here and there; you mentioned you still miss me; comes Monday; you called and you were sharing your thoughts; a guy you met over the weekend on how he long for a more structured and systematic life rather than a free one; each to their own; it's what i said; then you went on and were telling me about the books; the few points that you were meant to read and meant to fix when i think you will eventually come to; i was in silent; you know what is happening but do not know how to fix it; not instantly at least; you asked me how i was; i did not want to say; i didn't want to tell you at all and you sense that something is not right; i have finally blurted it out; i know i am not the cause; you and her had problem long before i exist; but now i cant help but think i am in the way; maybe without me; you guys can fix problem faster without having to think about me at all; if that is the case; i have to be fine with it; i have to act strong; what am i supposed to do when you are not here with me? how could i just let you know that i am weak and sad and that life must go on without you anyway while she can have you in your arms, always; but why did you still tell me i am the nest thing that ever happened to you; you even still invite me go to there; what about her? what about her? why?

in all honesty; i still love you too. i do.

When you do what you fear most, then you can do anything.

So we had a chance to talk about it. you told me that you and her talk about it. The future. you were trying to avoid it by saying she wants to get another car of not the brand you own. We had a good start because you forgot my birthday. We made fun of it, had a laugh and talk about a bunch of random stuff but not touching my own, as usual. She said she will think about it and that is going to determine if we are going to end. Because if she says so then you will have no bad conscious. The thing is you are right. I miss sex. But i miss you even more. Fortunately and unfortunately. I don't see we book that tickets and see us in December. This i know. So we might as well get over it.

I see you everywhere, in the stars, in the river, to me you’re everything that exists; the reality of everything.

please don't make it so difficult to leave you.

I miss you even more than I could have believed; and I was prepared to miss you a good deal.

you picked her up; you were two hours late; you were telling me about it; an unexpected morning call; because she is back and i have to put my mind behind not to mind it even though i do; how am i to express to you this urge; i couldn't; you say you are going for a stadttische and so am i with J; also updating you about J; his worry and anxiousness are different from yours; you talked about your daughter; i feel she is doing it right having a good head start; my classmate that wanted to drop out but didn't; still mostly telling you about other rather than myself; you said you should've be there 3 hours earlier; i said you should gave me the credit; still missing each other somehow; because it is true; "I miss you even more than I could have believed; and I was prepared to miss you a good deal."; for now i do not know when it will end; and i do not know if i even want to; ever.

We think too much and feel too little.

today is the last day we can talk before she is back; you did not tell me earlier; sometimes i am so unprepared; you forgot about my birthday; you were more upset than i; i am not a priority; what else can i say? both you and i just want to stay home and talk with each other; however much time that we manage to squeeze; i told you about my friend about other stuff; but you wanna know more about mine; which i still reluctant to share; then i ask about her; you hate the idea that both of you being dishonest; as much as she lies; you did too; although technically you are kind of telling the truth; you told her you too slept with someone; she was surprised; maybe she think you wouldn't; and you sense that she did still sleep with that guy; but i wonder why; what is wrong with your relationship with her; sexually; you were telling me about your neighbor; couple that divorce late now at their 50's; liberated; it is not something you aiming to do; at least you are brave enough to ask her about it on how to go on; on what you guys think of the future; if you guys want to continue this; she said she did at first and then after a while she changed her mind; if she was to stick to it; it gives you a reason to go on with me with no bad conscious because she is still doing it too; i feel like it is totally up to her to decide whether we get to go on; that i am just a puppet at the side waiting for further instruction; but i do love you; that i feel sad; that i cry when you were telling me that; you wish you didn't because you did not want to spoil anything for us; i insisted that you do which i prefer; not being with you is bad enough; thank you for the beer; for wishing me happy belated birthday; from afar; this i will not forget; i do not want any gift; or compensation; i just want you; can i say that without hurting anybody? i think at this moment; the answer is no. 

I can’t let you go now. I want to go places with you; obscure little places, just to be able to say: here I came with her.

I don't want to tell you that i am keeping my hair just for you, i couldn't.

I don't want to tell you that i miss sex but i miss you even more, i couldn't.

I don't want to tell you that it was my birthday, i couldn't and now that you were upset and that i remember last year when we were together.

I am just not that kind of gal that shout about stuff all the time.

Even if you have nothing to write, write and say so.

because i know there is only so much we can hold on to;
because i know eventually you have to talk about her;
because we may run out of things to say;
because i can not have you now and i want to say i will love you no matter what;
even if you are  married;
even if you can not be mine.


Because the idea of losing you scares me too.

Come with all your shame, come with your swollen heart, I’ve never seen anything more beautiful than you.

....and then you will realise;
ultimately;
it is your happiness that counts;
no matter how selfish that may sound.

Happy Birthday to me.
thank you to those who have wished me; those who remember; those who did not and those who do not even know it.

thank you, from the very bottom of my heart, i am honoured.

When you lose someone and it still hurts, that’s when you know the love was real.

i called; line was busy; you were with her; i should've know better; we naively want to believe that we are in love; still making plan to meet; just to selfishly fulfill the urge; the desire; our lust; there is a point; i really hope there is. 

Don’t do it. Don’t love me.

23102016; 1815; i just finished a shower getting ready for your call; because i thought you will be calling 1900 my time - 1300 yours; then a missed call; i called back; i can see you are tired; you do not care; speaker phone on and we were chatting away; you said i made you happy; that you do not want to forget me; i told you if there's ever a day you want to do that; please just lie to me and leave; we talk briefly for about 20 minutes; missing each other very much; i thought i have forgotten the feeling; but every time when we chat it comes back; we were just talking casually about your family; a restaurant you have been to with someone has worked there for a long time; mundane normal petty stuff; i told you about my run and study; a strong urge just to hold on to each other - "do't do it, don't love me"; one day some day eventually i will be able to tell you that; for real.

Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.

i do not know why i still miss you;
i thought you are no longer here;
then you call;
and that is all.

Everything alters me, but nothing changes me.

you arrived on the island for the trip; i was happy for you that you are together with all of them again; you still trying to tell me things; but i do not quite see the point; i am sharing my mundane life less; my sister visit; she made me a cake; sharing the cakes with my neighbors; how my weekend was; what movie i watched; how i have spent it quietly at home as how i normally would and how i will be able to still share it with you excitedly if we are talking to each other; the water filter; the more stuff i got for my home; working on assignment; i am feeling it; i am seeing it in front of my eyes; the times that you said you miss me you love me; last year how we met; how we celebrated my birthday; the presents you gave me; all of it is fading away; scary but it's true; eventually it will so i would rather it happens now; wouldn't you?

It’s not who I am underneath but what I do that defines me.

you started with a heart;
then you said yo afraid you maybe repeating yourself, as was i;
but that you cant change it;
just like when we have sex, it's pretty much the same;
but you enjoy it and that cant change and how you think repetition is not so bad after-all;
and you said the memories we had will never go away;
you were thinking if we make now everything better than it really was, but we know that we see things too positively because every time we only spend short amount of time together; i am not your 25 years women; in the end all relationship and marriages wear off after so long; no matter who you are with, i believe; but we are still new, still fresh, in a way; you want me to know how you feel with her because you have no one else to share it with and on the other hand urge me to find a man; you have to find a way with her again but you are also sure that it will most likely never as you are loving me now; i feel sad when you say that, somehow; i cant help it; you think this is the price you have to pay for the coffee in Starbucks with me; i always always feel your love, not only a little bit, trust me; you told me you love me very much although we cant be together; it hurts me to know so; even worse that now we confirm that is true; i will not blame anything; feeling is feeling; we cant help how we feel, i guess. .....

We were not lovers, we were love.

you got back from your break; then involve intensely in workshop at work; you felt the team less energize; then i ask you when will she be back; concerning; you will be away again; packing; working; preparing; you are busy; i dare not disturb you much; you insisted you will call anyway; you did; we just look at each other and talk about simple stuff; we are just talking about our days... More and more... Flat and mundane... It becomes in the end...i can see this will possibly end soon; no matter how in love we said we are, once. 

I speak my own sins; I cannot judge another. I have no tongue for it.

you called at 7.25am in the morning; you took me by surprise as i quickly put on my headset and talk with you; we had a brief chat last night; updating about our lives after 2 weeks; unavoidably some sex remarks; even something political simply because that was on the news lately; and this morning; we had longer conversation because you were throwing me hard questions from a book we are reading; that the more you love someone the more you are trying to hide things from them because you do not want to hurt the person you love; but isn't that what a relationship is all about that you can and able to share things with the one you love; then it makes me wonder are we in a real relationship? do we really love each other? or we just building an ideal relationship inside a bubble? and another book that you have thoroughly read thru which indicated the main character had passed away after he committed suicide; i rarely take note on this kind of thing; i just more along with words without giving deep thinking about it; you said i am still cautious; how can i not be; every steps i am taking i take into consideration of how other may feel; in this case you; or maybe her; or maybe me; or maybe all three of us; everyone; because in the end even if i share my thoughts, how i truly feel; will it help? or will it just complicate matters? i have no answer; trust me; if i can i want to share every single thing with you; especially my flaw to let you know that i am such a lousy person; that in return you will not like me anymore and that i will drive you away; as for the wall that i am starting to build again i hope you will break it again in no time, in no time; i am always sorry i did what i did; really i do and i mean it; even though there is nothing i can do about it. 

It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live.

you touched down at midnight; i left you voice notes and you said you miss my voice; i wonder what change in this two weeks when you are with her and what didnt; why it didnt; is it right it happens; i thought i would just get a note where you would tell me that everything is over and you will go back to where you are supposed to be and so would i; but it didnt happen; we still joke with each other in a shy awkward way; talking about books; how you dont like the one i asked you to buy and how you have been buying books that both of us like; simple and very safe book; i try to get to you more by knowing what else you like; maybe different genre of stuff; we talk about sex book; we are the action type; words of sex do not interest us so much; we want to do not read about sex; also i am minding the line that we do not want to cross; dont ask anything that you do not want to know is how i am trying to do and thread everything really carefully and cautiously; even question that i blurt out that i did not want to repeat afraid that i might spoil anything because this is something between you and her; that i feel you should know better and why are you not; and that i dont entitle any right to barge in like a crazy person with the relationship that you already have; and then you want us to see us again; this whole idea of meeting excites me instantly and immediately i am checking dates; looking forward to it; feeling the love again; it is amazing, sad and strange; you told me you love me very much; i didnt reply; i do not want to create too deep of the attachment with you; i resist it; i am trying very hard not to..............

I wish I can tell you that i dont miss you today, but that would be a lie...

I want to read and write and be very quiet.

But on my journey through life so far, I have come to understand that many physical connections made outside of marriage are as a result of deep, basic human need – everyone wants to feel wanted. And sometimes the person closest to you just can’t give you that.

source

Sooner or later we’ve all got to let go of our past.

so now we are waiting for someone to find us out;
or something terrible to happen;
a disease - cancer - sickness;
then it will make us stop;
and that's ugly.

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t as conscious as I am. It would be so much easier.

I know i can't compare but i often wonder what do you talk about with her, even though it's pointless.

Do what you feel in your heart to be right – for you’ll be criticized anyway.

I am thinking about you a lot.
It is very hard not to.
I'm building my wall again.
Sharing less again
That is the right thing to do
I hope you know and understand that.
If you think like how i do
Then you would.

I am sorry. I truly am.