A person who longs to leave the place where he lives is an unhappy person.

you let me get away with so many things; i could get used to the idea; you keep on saying that i am beautiful; i still enjoy so much time with you; even though i just saw you last night; i wish i can be with you every night; both you and i wanted to go back to that place to have coffee and ciggie; we are so on the same page; i love you; i can't tell you when i am with you; but i have no shame to tell it to you here. 

It’s all too much and not enough at the same time.

with you; everything feel brand new; i try my best to tell you how i feel and share; random meet up during your dance night; we danced to a 2 beat; for one song; quietly sat there; drinking and smoking; you smoke a lot; you were in the mood; during the whole night we did not even talked a lot; you would've stayed even longer; we have small miscommunication; it was a new experience to me until i get used to this; we went for supper; i was very well prepared; i sleep over; i was tired and sleep really quickly; we did not even get intimate; that was not the point; that was not the only point; i feel close; at ease and homely with you; all the time; which really amazed me; it was my surprise day off; i got a lot done; you made fun of my frozen un-fresh pasta sauce; you like the smell of cigarette smoke in the kitchen after i left; you are weird; i told you so; you made me morning coffee as usual; "finish your water"; you gently ask me; i wonder if everyone around you growing up speaking so gently and soft; i feel like i can listen to you say that forever; i wonder how long i can be with you like this; in my head i am not so sure; but in my heart; i feel you are going to stay on for a very long time; in fact i cant wait to see you again tonight.

I love you enough to rid myself of anything that might trouble you. I will become another person.

we miss each other more than ever; im thrilled with the fact that you came over and was together with me when someone came and view the house; i let you go after breakfast and you went for your dance; we can get enough of each other although i just saw you this morning; when you walk to my door i was happy; i have gotten over the long voice messages; you brought up something else that made me upset; so there's two things this week; i do not want you to stop sharing; maybe we just do not need to share every single thing with each other about how we exactly feel; just as when i am being emotional i may not need to share it with you all that much; i have been doing fine all these while; i feel very attach to you; something unknown that i attracted to; the night ended up with a superb porky dinner; gelato; smoke; beers; drama series; talking; sleeping together until late tomorrow morning; went for a viewing and immediately start to miss each other when we parted; was glad to see you again so soon on Sunday evening; we had beer after dinner; i peel you oranges; talking about life and relationship in general; morning coffee without water and alarm; today will be a good day; i drop you off at the station; you did not answer question about future; i skeptically and pessimistically thinking; is all these too good to be true? 

I don’t have any time to stay up all night worrying about what someone who doesn’t love me has to say about me.

I’m not someone that is really good with words. I try as much as possible to show you how I feel when we are together and yet sometimes I still feel shy on certain things, like last night when you asked me to touch myself for you and then now when I want to tell you how I truly appreciate this newly developed relationship, be it romance or being good friends. As I said, we do how we do as how it fits best for the both of us. I was so happy we can open share it. Even back when the first time we met. The feeling was already mutually strong. You would’ve hold my hand if I were to touch you way back when in that cafe when we first met. You do not even mind me smoking. You want to make a balcony for me. You want to protect me and care for me. I feel no more the emotion disconnection. You said we work as a team. I lean towards the practical side. I like that of you. Very much. You like my black bikini and my jeans shorts. You appreciate me and often tell me I’m beautiful like no one else. We also just naturally talk about kid. You want one. I feel like the both of us still like kids ourselves but I do not feel hesitate to talk about that in front on you. You give me a safe and comfortable space to be myself, to share, to talk and to open up like I never been before. I want to say thank you. thank you for making me run again. thank you for praising me. one thing you do not know about me is that i just need a lot of validation and my lack of self esteem normally takes ages to diminish. i am just so into you although what we had is not as hot af. 

I’m confused. Really confused. And it’s a lot deeper than you think. Deeper… darker… colder.

thank you for making run again; i have very strong desire to be with you; i like how you came over and sit behind me on a chair; i like how you want to remind me about a question that flash by that i have forgot but i wanted to ask; i like how you got panic on a question i have asked you that you have answered soemthing that may or may not have upset me; you remember the question; i pretend i have forgotten; that was how you feel; better than being single; the idea of having a girl field that never sleep over; i am one that constantly do so and you happy that i do; many many small things; in the end i do not mind; you reminded me since a week ago the three points of argument; it did not happen this week; you are glad; i like that you wake and make me coffee; really nice coffee; i have very strong desire to be with you; as you said; we are just click. 

When someone is going through a storm, your silent presence is more powerful than a million, empty words.

first - you felt uncomfortable; end up you didn't go dancing; i thought it's my fault; you said it was not; we manage to go the next night; i enjoyed myself; seeing you doing things that you like; you will be freer without me being there; i had experience it; i  know how it is; from now on; you will be on your own to go dancing; i am no longer sure anymore if two people being together whether having shared interest is really that important; it becomes grey to me; i used to think it is important; maybe because now i think communication is more important; second - about traveling; you confused me with your intention; you said you no longer wan to travel alone; you read something that changes your mind; suddenly you wanted to go for a trip; you plan to do something for the house; because of this soemthing you read you put it behind; i guess it's important to weigh what you have said and process that information and also include me in the conversation along the way; just to avoid confusion; i will be okay whatever you do; because as you are i respect your space and freedom; which i am expecting you to respect mine; how my best friend reminded me about a video; went a watch it to refresh my memory about how guys and girls brains wired totally differently; if science can explain it; then there must be some truth in it; third - about decision making; i can go on; but I'm glad last night; we hold hands and talked it thorough and find each other very compatible in our own way; i even put it bluntly on what the difference between: being physical unattractive; to sexually incompatible; to how she is not a good fuck; to low desire of having sex with her; and to ask you what is a good fuck; all these bluntness that allow me to be myself around you and looking for words that fit in your mouth; i hope i will never ever get tired of this thing. 

Words are alive; cut them and they bleed.

It has been a roller coaster few weeks.

We met again. After so long. Funny though we miss each other even more.

I cry. you ask me not to. I feel sad that you will be going away; as much as i tried to cover it.

Stupid goodbye my lover song came up. Just in time. Although random.

Dinner without satay. Make an excuse for you to come back. more and more and more. 

There’s always one who loves and one who lets himself be loved.

spent the whole weekend together; meals; looking for shoes; feeling this limitless joy; care; worry; the desire; miss you dearly; an ordinary man; travel abroad; talking to no end; see you after parted for 2 hours; wish this feeling can last forever; we cant do the thing we wish to; happy; safe and sexually satisfied; all i remembered; all that is important; home is a feeling and home is a house; clearly defined difference; do not ever want to be alone again; you looking for my smell on the pillow; hope we are going to kiss goodbye even though we have been together for a long time; so many little things that bond us together; smart remark; stupid questions; many many things that we do not mind about, yet; i remain skeptical, somehow, someway. 

Make sure that the love is worth the price of a broken heart.

you like that i can stay inside of you for a long time and we continue to talk;
you like that i do my own stuff and you do your own stuff when we are being together;
you always thank me after we pick the selection you offer; be it choice of restaurants or choice of activities;
we laugh about a lot of things;
in the end i wonder if you are dating me for practical reason.

Having a soft heart in a cruel world is courage, not weakness.

what a pampering day; done my nails; my relaxing massage; small shopping; light lunch; went back home; wait for you; waited for you at the station; car park by the side; conversation about buying property; living together; getting married have never felt so comfortable before; we had Japanese food and dessert; then decide to have drinks in a place that you have not been before; so far i checked two places that i brought you and that you like; you have checked out a long list and you need to add on more to your list so that we have places to go together; we talk about traveling to places; traveling to the world; i asked you to tell me soemthing that i do not know about you personally; still indirectly avoiding the question; i do not know if its because i  like you so much now i cant see your flaws and what i do not like about you; i do not want to say i love you yet; i want to bring you to see them but i need to be sure; we watched 20 minutes of Godfather; we kissed and went to go to bed;
i like the feeling being with you is so real that i do not need to pretend i am someone else; i only hope this time it will last a lifetime.

Happy Birthday to me. im super thrilled that i have reached this point before i hit 40.

Humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less. Humility is thinking more of others.

just because we move the car air-conditioner together. 

The soul that sees beauty may sometimes walk alone.

i often forgetful; sometimes you use work and telling me things i do not get or i have to process or i have to analyse; you said you do not mind me forget; is that forever; you say you happy you found me; we spent in the most simplest manner; bought mooncake on mooncake festival; passed yo shampoo; drinking tea; enjoy our time together; you mentioned about a young new friend; even she knows about me; you mention about revenge and forgiveness; but is revenge a form of forgiveness; i am glad you are open to talk when we are together; i asked you why you do not approach me; you made me feel rejected; even though i saw you are high; you just simple say; because tomorrow we need to wake early; as simple as that; difference between boyfriend and partner; you do not want to be an old boyfriend because you are already forty; it is funny you think that way; fair indian i called you; reading ikea catalog; about slapping and bitch slapping; you are not shy in front of me; i am totally natural and comfortable with each other; we talked about trips again; you mentioned how you like your job now very much; although you still wish you found a permanent job; we wonder who will say it first; in the end.

I love you, that means I’m not just here for the pretty parts. I’m here no matter what.

The last thing you said at 3am in the morning after you met with your friend; i saw you online then offline; then i said hi; "i am incredibly happy to you are in my life"; back to the beginning; random notes; bit of pieces of our weekend; this weekend we are supposed to spend time together; this is the first time you drop by at a station near my office; i drop work 30 minutes earlier; walked to the station to greet you; also because i have never been to the station myself; it would be my first time and a good excuse; double check on the train; made sure you are not out yet; saw you from far; your black pants and grey shirt; you were saying you probably should not wear a white shirt underneath other colour; i said it is fine; you are too self-conscious sometimes; we walked to get my car and drove out from here; sick of all the restaurant choices in the mall; we arrived at a cosy little Thai place; pork and rice; i will remember that; we had dinner; chit chat; talking about your weekend wear; how you are very particular on certain things; talk about car; work; your one upcoming interview is very important but the various job applications are not; you do not see the value of sharing it; reason why; because you see that as mundane and petty; as your dad normally shared; you wonder why do people share such a thing; i told you because people wan to know and from there little things they will; i should tell you to care more; get back to my house; listen to music; chit chat; watch a cartoon show; small part about therapy that i totally agreed; presence is important to you; you are trying to sell your house; what is your dream car; went to a teak shop for furniture; showroom for some information related to your work location; early morning toast date; talking about risk; i kept monitoring you are a safe guy; you beg to differ; that just one example the risk you have took; afterwards we went back home; relax a little bit more; you will set your mind to it once you have a plan; i lure you into doing soemthing else; you agreed; we had this beautiful moment where we spend together; you like the intimacy; watching you sleep and snore; you are a light sleeper; i was hungry after; you picked a nice place for lunch; you glad that i went with your preference and like it so far; i can see you are happy and proud; i treated you coffee; two americano; sat there; reading; chit chat; lighthearted afternoon; after some checking out all the places we are supposed to go; i send you back to your home; watching dance track and video; the one thing that sets us apart; i am not so worry; there is just so many things that we want to do; at least we have planned for mid week meeting; i am happy; very very happy.

I was quiet, but I was not blind.

i realise i am jumping ahead in your life by just unpacking your bag of clothes; i have to stop; you and i both start slow; we are still two separate individual; we have differences; you say it's ok; because you know i did it with a good feeling; that is not the point; the point is you need to let me know that it is not ok and we deal with it; with me let's leave nothing sweep under the rug; i give a fuck about you; i want to be your problem; i want to deal with it together with you; do not say it is ok; you do not care; or whatever anymore; usually when people say that kind of thing they also kind of care about it the most; i am happy we can share; sex was amazing; short answer; you texted me 4am in the morning; you said it is because of Friday; i told you it is otherwise; i want to be blunt as i am; without hiding my feelings; not anymore; i used to write; i run the other way when i find happiness is approaching; because it seems impossible for me to be happy; because people simply disappoint me; i will find all sort of excuses/ reasons/ justifications; in the end just to tell myself; i told you so; because if it's too good to be true; it probably is; it has been 2 weeks and up until now; i remain a realist and pessimist; until life proves me wrong; otherwise; then we shall see.

One day, you heart will stop beating, and none of your fears will matter. What will matter is how you lived.

2792017; 2020; I thought we are not seeing each other; because you said you will be working late; i sent you voice note saying that i miss you last night; that i wish we can spend longer time together; the daily morning and evening text are just unfulfilling; unsatisfying; today; you have changed your mind; said that we can meet; if i am free; there is still certain thing you are not saying; in your head you are thinking; even the way you answer question; you would be saying something that may or may not lead you to answer directly; in the end it makes me think; but it does not answer the question; finally we manage; you told a close friend about me; she asked you not to rush into it; u mentioned juvenile about her comment; I suggested to send you home and sleep over; you didn't read the main point; we manage to correct that; because you said it's far and it left me wondering; you said I offer to send you home; kindness touched you; kindness is a big thing for you; we had dinner; bought some beers; talk in your home; about kids; about my friends; my sister; your sister; family; you said i used to say are you always this funny when i mention you are not naturally funny (with kids); i added; manage to get off the hook; you like kid when they aged 9 - 10; but you can't have a baby that way; you messed with my hair and say no matter how you mess with it i still look good; you said i smell good; i said you smell better because you had a shower; you keep on compliment my eyes that i have sparkle in them; you asked me if i will ever get bored of the same compliment; i say not yet; eventually perhaps; you remember things that i say; maybe because i like you and i do not mind so much for now; we continue on to have another beer; talk about stuff; sharing; you are so glad i am here tonight; you hold me from behind; such warm and cozy feeling growing; i asked you about happiness; person and material both combined makes you happy; also about regrets; you said you have many; concept of family that you can't gauge; you like my grey dress; it was nothing fancy; you want to help me undress then you say wow; if you have a zip on your dress; I will unzip it now; you revealing your sexy side ever so subtly; i am happy we are able to talk about sex even when we just newly know each other; rough sex doesn't turn you on; you are not a rough guy; extramarital affair when you were young; we both had; somewhat something in common; I like the way you are particular and being gentle with me; you are an over thinker; you are square; you work well with German; I told you; finally we nail something together; i am waiting for the eventually; because in the end; we may or may not be together.

He notice me
He notice what I wear
He notice my new bag
He notice me
He notice

The fact that I’m silent doesn’t mean I have nothing to say.

received your voice massages early in the morning; was a nice surprise; 4 person circling around me; you stood out; i feel you feel more; i reply about how i feel too; getting attach with you; such intensity; i joke about coffee; then realise i  have the time; decided to drop by; timing was so right; saw your boss, colleagues walked out; gave you a quick call and cover up; you showed me around your small office; you said this is by far the best surprise; since a year ago; you want to top that; i told you the forest was your best; we had a coffee; chatted lightheartedly; you said i pop up first thing in the morning and I'm the last person you think about when you end your day; we parted and we know we are going to see each other soon; we are already part of each other's life; whether we like it or not; as i say it; i give a fuck about you; big time; very very big time. 

Some people will never fit into your life, no matter how much you want them to.

Monday night; 250917; 1900; you asked is he a french guy? i told you about him; we saw each other after so long; the intense feeling is still there; you told me everything is fine; i saw a big smile on your face; underneath that smile i see bravery and the courage of holding in the pain; you will be fine; i have no doubt; i bought us some small sandwiches; you want to stay friend with me forever; you say you dont need me; you just want me to be there; in your life; which i already am; in a small way; you finished the book; you like it; you said you wish you can spend one night here with me; just one more night; the feeling lingers; it keep on lingering.

If you always do what interests you, at least one person is pleased.

i like that i can smoke with you; and that you like the taste of cigarette in my mouth when we kiss; also the taste of beer; you ask if you are weird; you are not; because i am weird too.


The biggest lesson I’ve learned is, It’s okay. It’s okay for me to be kind to myself. It’s okay to be wrong. It’s okay to get mad. It’s okay to be flawed. It’s okay to be happy. It’s okay to move on.
-- Hayley Williams

Everyone you idolize wakes up scared to be themselves sometimes.

i bought you nuts and wine; I'm bad at gift; i do not really know what you like; i rather get you something you will use; there is still a lot of things i do not know about you; I'm at your home; on time; you greet me; we talk; listen to music; you gave me a tour of the house; the house is very muji; very you; we talked about tattoo; you said you want to get one too; you changed your mind; now you are reconsidering it again; because i am here; i said you do not have to change your plan because of me; i feel such a sweet feeling; that someone is here for me; caring for me; want to do things for me; which i thought i have lost this feeling for the longest time; i remained skeptical; not letting anything jump into my head too quiet; i am just too level headed; sensible; pragmatic; practical and pessimistic altogether; i asked you what you would do differently if you can have a new relationship all over again; you said more sharing and open communication; i agreed; we have some values that we shared like punctuality; certainty; clarity and i hope we will have much more match; i appreciate that you showed me the 17 items that are important to you; based on ranking and achievement; you said you want to move up "love one" under family two; the difference is family is the one you are already in; family 2 is someone you are going to get; you told me about deleted the app; asking me hypothetical question how do we spend time together as married couple; we smoke; we say sorry a lot; we want to make each other comfortable; we cook pasta; have soup together; the kitchen needed some feminine touch; we talk about you visit my hometown; if we ever be together; the things we would do; photos; your friends; you told a friend about me and i told a friend about you; i do not want to jump the gun; i am not even feeling anxious; nervous and afraid; i am just going along with a good flow; your life has been somewhat stabilize after you met me; you still nervous about getting a permanent job; that will come eventually; you kept saying thank you that i am here; that i am with you; that you feel so good around me; the way you talk calms me and i tend to talk slower as well; i like how you want to hold my hand when i sit across the table; how you remove the small pot of plant; how you hold me and lean onto me when you sat on my left side; how you hold my hands when we are watching videos; how we made fun of each other; about the music we dislike; you into dancing i don't; i wonder can this last long; even when we are old and wrinkly; i made fun of you saying that you should list it down n your profile - girl that can sleeps in a room with no fan; and many minor things that we sort of talk about; we made some silly and fun jokes; i even like how we were awake and make small talk in the middle of the night; i asked about your burping and when you say you want to spend time with me is it because of your loneliness; in your room; under the air cond; you move the bed for me; i asked you if you always this attentive; you say you think so; i wish you will stay like this to me and with me; always; and i mean always :)

I have so much I want to tell you, and nowhere to begin.

third date; finally; after 6 days; we meet again; for the first time in my life; from the way back to KL; from hometown; someone is waiting for me at the station; you; technical error; train got stuck; delayed; i uber myself to the main train station; you were surprise; impressed by how resourceful i am; i am in a predicament; where i have been independent for so long; if i start to let you in; i would have to adjust myself to take care of you and allow you to take care of me; for that one person in each other's life; you told me about a person which can bring you news about job opportunity i said you should go for it; you are always polite and thanking me about stuff; we ended up at my home after 2 hours of struggling; we spent time at my home; cuddling; chit chatting; asking about our definition and expectation of our relationship; want it to be up a level; to me; that means exclusivity; you are a man that feels a man should have their own set of duty; for example; to drive during traveling; you feel it is like work; hence you wont want to drive but ask to fly instead; we already talking about traveling plan; Spain; South America; i am taking it slow; we can start somewhere local; it could be a break it or make it trip; we talk about how we have developed feeling with each other; how naturally we just hold hand and get physical during the second date; i make you feel safe and comfortable enough to share; i do not want you to do this simply because you are lonely; then your date with your friend did not happen; we get to spend longer time together; we went for a dinner; three beers; pork; veggie and rice; you enjoyed the meal and said we should do it again; i have ditched my friend for another activity; because i want to stay here with you; we slept together; it was cute; gentle; sweet; sensual; tender; the way you hold me like you do not want to break me; you do not make much noise; nothing wild and crazy and yet we can talk about it; you enjoy it; the way you make me feel because we are into each other; the way you like when you are inside of me; the way you kept on telling me my eyes sparkles and how i look amazingly beautiful; how you like me when i say fuck; how you capture all these idiosyncrasies; we slept well under the air-cond; things we willing to do for the other person; we had a simple breakfast together; then we parted; then we arrange to meet again later on the day for dinner; we say goodbye but we already can not wait to see each other again; i miss you already; this time around; i am saying it to someone; compatible with my age; my status; my life - for real.