It always hurts more to have and lose, than to not have in the first place

then i found out; we only have another six month together; you still positive; i just want everything to be over; now. 

I often carry things to read so that I will not have to look at the people

i will always remember that moment; after we had breakfast; you were brushing your teeth and reading the newspaper in your black converse t-shirt.

and right after that night there and then; we went out for a movie; and talked about some emotions that we long had.

A man is only as good as what he loves

you ask me to go on a trip to the island; i didnt even hesitate or have second thought; we went ahead with it; casually; without any demand; being who we are; again we talked about the things we normally talk about; how we treat people; how we react; how small things matter; how checking is matter; how caring is matter; how talking is matter; how you communicate with the right person matter; how everything kind of interrelated, connected and become one, really; i asked you a question was even too heavy for myself to answer; i regretted it; because in the end i would like to share too; we love the session so so much; no pressure; on and on again; you re-iterate the point that you like me; need me; being with me and also have no future with me; you ask me about my marriage; im not sure i will ever do it; the laugh; the joke; making sex joke doesnt even bother me; having a beer; bloated stomach; in the end somehow still work out and had a great time; despite a bit under the weather the night before; you cant wait to see me again and ask me out for a movie; tonight? yes; i want to see you again;  i didnt even hesitate or have second thought - yes.

then here we go again.

Sometimes it seems to me that that’s all my life has been, a series of things that I loved deeply that I could never have.

The truth is i am holding on to those difficult questions, on one hand im afraid to hear the answer, on the other hand whatever you answer will allow me to know more about you.

So im torn. Very very torn.

I don't know if you can understand that. 

And now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.

i know i am failing in to the same trap; too fast and too hard; he said we are developing a routine; even that i am liking it; then i feel afraid to tell him that i wish to stay one more day; as always the rejection; then he asked me; i quickly reply with yes and praise him that he is always quicker than me; he always does; i want to be the quick one; but now i am taking my time and delay my reply by two seconds always; always. 

I like being myself, but only when I’m scattered and various and gregarious.

you have a dinner to attend to; you knew about it two weeks ago; i wonder why you only telling me now; nonetheless you said you want to see me and i already told myself i will be there; no matter how late; we talked about the event; how you didnt exactly like this kind of socialise thing nonetheless you enjoyed the evening; i am attracted to you; i am not your normality; i dont wish to disrupt your life and routine; everything happening around us makes me nervous and restless until i am alone with you where i can feel calmer; you kept saying you like me; i start to wonder why and ask you what it means; you cant nail it but somewhat gave me an answer that is less than love, more than infatuation; i remain skeptical and unsure; then you always show me such affection and it leave me with great feeling and memory; your touch; your hug; all the motion and emotion; all waiting to be erupted every day and night; i need you; i want to be with you; i cant lose you; really? i still have doubt, i still and i will everything to just lust.


just lust.

This reminds me of when we were young

Because you will be going,  i won't;

i see you from far; my heart skips a bit; slowly i realise we are going to run out of things to say; it will leave us with just only sex; i had a really good time again; you told me we have 2 weeks to spend every night together; when i ask you if you want to; you said yes, that's all i want to hear; i do not want to know anything about her at all; that is something i haven't told you; that i dont want you to mention anything of her in front of me anymore; i am selfish; i am greedy; you asked me a question about asking for sex verbally; i say i will do it via gesture; you said you afraid of rejection and i said i accept it gracefully; but then i never ask the question, hence no rejection; you laugh at me; it's true, i forget since when i stop to ask question to minimize the hurt; to minimize the rejection; only to people that truly matter i am willing to do it; you did it by inviting me for coffee but i insisted in meeting at another place; but you thought it was better that we didn't do it; and then you made a mistake; went to a wrong place; miscommunication; misread of message; something for us to laugh about again; i made it on time nonetheless; i dont want you to go thru much trouble; i dont think i am worth it; you asked me if i will ask you to have sex; i say i won't; you asked why; i said simply because of our circumstances; if you are single; i dont know; i still probably won't anyway; who knows? the problem between you and her should not make it an excuse; you still have a shot; the more you say you like me the more i feel afraid and attach; i dont want to long for you; i dont want to start; you make joke that is not funny - what if your daughter comes up and see us; it's not fair; you have them; you have a family; i dont; i know i can be flexible; stay and go whenever i like; you know i will not say no; you know i am into you; i really enjoy the time being with you; you book another trip; to go away with me; i guess i just want to leave things behind and go ahead to have a good time; i am at this juncture of my life that i am no longer looking for commitment, marriage and settle down; im passed that threshold with my 5 seconds of thought that i no longer care about what is going to happen the rest of my life.

in the end; maybe you will be leaving first; before me. 

How do we forgive ourselves for all of the things we did not become?

So I'm thinking.... Why can't we have everything, why?

we are having this kind of relationship; 

im having bad conscience; 

what do i do? 

i like you; you make me feel like i can actually fall in love again; falling in love again with you deeply;

but this is not real;

i dont want it to be real;

i am always the pessimistic one, remember?

I was the shyest human ever invented, but I had a lion inside me that wouldn’t shut up

i will always find something about you or there's always something about you; that makes me want to stick with you and stay here a little bit longer, always. 

Treat people with kindness because behind every face is a story that could use a little more love.

we promised to see each other before i leave; you booked a hotel that i think of too; you are on time; as always; we see something that we somehow fit with each other and yet trying to find way to avoid; again we had a wonderful evening; a good time; in between wildly fucking session; we chat; we made fun; we had dinner; you could not explain the feelings you had for me; love; like; infatuation; it's not just about sex; a part of it is; a part of it is about growing; another part is about learning; there was no man that can make me feel like i am falling in love again; that you care so much with your tenderness and kindness; no one ever make me feel excited and nervous anymore at the same time; no one man can ever make me laugh, cry, scream, talk within one meeting session; you did it to me; you move me and touch me deep down a part of me that i thought i already lost; i try to find fault but to no avail;  then i thought of her and i cry; you said its not my conscience to feel bad, its yours; it was both ours; you asked; i said yes; we have fair share of responsibility; i could have said no; but i am too weak; i didn't; how can you not feel bad; someone at home waiting for you; imagine if that is me; i will be sad and lonely; all of us are mature adult but all of us also crawl in this web of complication; we want to get out and yet drawn into it like an addiction; not really easy to get out; or we don't want to get out; you said you cant lose me; that you need me; but none of it is true; you have been managing without me; and you can do it again; i don't want to hurt your family and i don't want to hurt you; every time when we get to that; i get emotional and cry; if i don't care at all about you; i will not do so; for now you say let's us be special friend; we already are; then you say let's continue and see how it goes; but i already know how it gonna goes; it will be harder and harder for us to say goodbye when the time is finally here; i feel so; i know so and i sure of so.

Every day you should investigate where and to whom your energy is going.

i did not know if you touch my heart;
the time spent with you is different with the other guy;
but i know i have no future with the other guy;
will i have a future with you?
so now i am here to find out.

I dream. Sometimes I think that’s the only right thing to do.

he is right beside her;
he texting me like crazy;
i do not know what is going thru his mind;
i guess he just doesn't care if its the right or wrong thing to do;
because there is never really about right or wrong;
it is just about this moment in time that you are truly enjoy yourself;
even with someone you dont belong;
or will never be;

"you moved me a lot so quickly"

that is all he basically needs to say.

Because, nothing makes me happier and nothing makes me sadder than you.

Friday the 13th; 13th Nov; long meeting; mind boggling with a lot of information; craving for a beer; we talked this morning; we did not promise anything; we did not say we are going to do lunch; i text you; stuck in the jam; you text back just in time; for us to go and grab a quick coffee; u passed me a gift; now i will always have something to remember you by; a red mug; you told me there will be possibility where you move back to where you from; my heart sank; i try not to let it show it; i am still just always shy and awkward; to be seen with you in public; like i have done something wrong but everything we are doing just feel so right; so so right.

She’s your one. The one who reaches you. The one who makes you different.

"i dont want to lose you";

that is all i want to hear.

The deepest principle of human nature is the craving to be appreciated.

here comes the emotional moments; again; i never thought there will even be this kind of feelings again in me; with you came into my life; two people being with each other developing and creating memories so quickly in a month's time; leaving some details behind yet revealing on small things; it seems unreal; you can't offer me clarity, security and stability; and yet i am so happy being with you; can happiness be the ultimate answer? that i do not need to care; that i should continue on anyway even if it's unfair; what is life? what is happiness? if i have been searching for so long and i am yearning for the answer that i finally feel this wee bit of happiness in my life; do i reach out and grab it even if it's not mine in the long run and that i dont deserve it?

i thought i am just a fling; if you didn't tell her; i would still be comfortable; but you couldn't lied and i understand why; if you are hiding from someone you love; imaging other kind of damage that you could possibly cause and do; i am nobody to you anyway; like is a like; nothing more at this point.

i do not know.

i am lost i guess.

but in this moment in my life.

the trip; the love making; the shouting; the yelling; the silly questions; how we handling things; the coffee; the muesli; the milk; the alcohol; the sausages; the touching; the hugging; the cuddling; even without sex; with you; everything feels incredibly nice.

i like the way we are. i like you, too much. im always your nice girl, your best food and your little bastard.

until soon. or not soon.

It’s never as good as you want it to be; It’s never as bad as it seems.

he confirms it;
if you want happiness; you also need to take the sad things that come with it;
another friend said;
it's a package;
you can't avoid;
i never really do take it all as a package;
i always run away;
i always act tough;
but i am just so weak;
now i have to take it on.
being both happy and sad;
with you;
right here;
right now.

If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking.

In so many occasions with the exact moment and conversation they say they enjoy spending time with me; i guess i am not a bad person afterall; it's just that when i am facing my life and my own devil; i will be defeated miserably.

Accept no one's definition of your life, but define yourself.

I am my own person. I don't need your respect and regards to live. Just keep that to yourself, please.

You sort of come face to face with your own values at some point, where you can walk away or do something about it.

i guess in the end;
walking away;
looking back;
with all your condemn;
my only take away is;
you are more hopeful than i am;
the one that is living in a bleak black hole;
actually it's me;
it's me.

Those who respect themselves will be honorable but he who thinks lightly of himself, will be held cheap by the world.

in the end; i take this as a closure; if you still writing me just so you can humiliate me and criticize me; you can save all that; because to me you dont understand a thing; i never even see our relationship has a future; not with the way we keep going; and not with the way we visualizing; we have different opinion on this matter, clearly. so let's agree to disagree.

case closed.

the end.