Sunday, February 1, 2015

Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.


it has been years i live in solitary, not in terms of physically but deep inside. i know i have family, handful of friends and colleagues, that doesn't mean i am not lonely. i feel nervous when i am around people, i hate small talk, i enjoy my time being alone, i only talk about my problems with that few close friends/ colleagues, really, not even my family, i actually don't know what worse. Even then, i am not exactly looking for advice, more like want to have listeners and for them to be supportive, also to hang around with those who let me be me, appreciate who i am, that is enough for me.

as much as i have a dream to have a relationship, to build a home, to have a family, i never really been appreciated in all my relationships, that's why i am so surprise when someone care for me, love me and be here for me, not walking away and make me not walk away. i am also scare because im afraid i might fail you, disappoint you.

as harsh and tense as it sometimes gets between us, composure and equanimity are not in my dictionary. i slowly learn that we need to be open about things unselfishly and communicate effectively/ calmly to make it work. I want to become a good person for this relationship. i don't want to be angry, upset and do stupid things all the time.

I also know that you too have been living all these while by yourself, fully capable of living your own life despite the loneliness. You may not have the desire to let me take care of you and you tend to communicate very little of your daily life, where you are, what you doing because there's really no reason to tell anybody that, maybe even if now you do have a reason, then again your daily routine is as such and old habit dies hard, so you sticking to your life as is. i know this much, if i also not writing, stop sharing, our communication will halt, as it is long distance already sucks. i miss you calling, just chit chatting about nothing. i guess you are busy with your on going business in Italy, your work, your publication and you in need of some space and "me time", i understand.

technology helps to bring people closer and yet sometimes it seems to drive people apart when we use it the wrong way.

i am the type of person the more you treat me well, the more i will treat you well too; just exactly like how you want me to talk a lot more in order for you to talk. if i have been treated the hard way, i will be harsh and rude in return, if i have been treated real well, i will be happy, loving and more caring, etc.

if now we are going to develop a relationship, we both have to accept the fact that things are changing (hopefully in a good way :)) with a new person inside our life, to make it work, we have to somehow adapt and welcome that new person in a way that we hope how we would like to be treated. no one wants to feel unwelcome and constantly fear of conflict.

As for the question "can you help me?" - im sorry i cant be your cure for your depression and any of your painful past, i just hope i can at least make these days a little bit bearable or at least passable, but if i cant even achieve that, i can only apologize once more and wonder what do i exactly bring to the table if its not keeping this relationship going until now? to be your friend? to keep hoping that we will eventually figure things out between us? to just be here?

Maybe the correct question would be: "can we help each other?" "how can we meet half way?"

i don't know if all of this make sense.

oh well, for tonight, i had a nice Chinese dinner out with the two ex colleagues, we had big prawns, fried noodle, nice veggies and dessert, my stomach is so full it feels bloated. the two  - one is my ex boss, Melissa, another one is Mun Wune, whom i have always kept in touch for more than 15 years now. we finished a bottle of red wine and Melissa bought us this belated birthday dinner (Mun Wune birthday is one day before me). we shared little gossip and i am very selective about what to say, so they don't know about you. they are not that kind of "close" friends. Melissa knows a little bit about wine, so i bought a white wine for Dorothy birthday as her present with her recommendation.

anyway, i finished the book "A stone boat", even in Italy i was reading it, finally done with it last night, i will start a new book, gonna read a bit then call it a night.

good night. please know that i am here and care for you. tomorrow will be another slow day for me at work.

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