when you ask me what do i want in my life and what can you do for me, do you really want to find out? are you really ready for the answer/ the truth? why do you want to know? what is the point of you asking?
what confuse me is that at times you don't seem to be ready to talk about things but at the same time you keep on throwing me questions that i find tricky to answer then i often contemplate whether you really want an answer or just simply asking? etc.
i don't assume you ask me just for fun; as i tend to reply you very seriously but i am afraid of the rejection and negative reaction/ remark i might get; hence i refuse to say; as much as it will scare me as it will scare you; the end result is that i might really freak you out. besides, you don't really need to ask or tell me what can we do for each other; we just need to DO it for each other and see what happens; that's basically the whole point anyway.
Through this few months of correspondence i have come to realize; as much as i want to be open about this whole thing; you just really need time - a lot of alone time and space before you can really start invite me truly into your world; things have to stay real without any element of surprise; at least not at this point in time; simply because maybe you are not quite ready, perhaps? but then am i ready? i can at least say i am willing to do things and make things work; if we make our decision to move forward; long distance relationship talk aside we haven't even really touch on the subject that are we or are we not in a relationship and ready to pursue it; it's all good and fun when we meet; we miss each other when we not; we are human being; we have feelings; but as much as feeling goes; where are we now? is there something we looking at together? what we want? a LONG TERM Relationship?
so unless we have a firm ground to work on based on whether or not we want to take the next step, asking what you can do for me a thousand times; or vice versa is very much irrelevant; at least for now to me is really pointless; what else can we do? we can meet up every once in a while, continue talking, texting, skyping but that's basically it, right? i might sound cold, cruel, harsh and very practical but please hear me out.
i want to put myself in your shoes and imagine all this sadness/ grieving period that you are going through endlessly, plus the space/ time you need in solitude; that is your upbringing, you are this person where i cant change (trust me, i don't want to change you!); this is your life; as i would asked you for the very same thing now which i also hope you understand where all my practicability coming from, my life, my experience makes me how i am and where i am. you may criticize my practically doesn't get me anywhere; i can take that; but without it; i could be worse, but nobody will know that now, right?
all this things, W, don't make us any less human, quite the contrary this is all the things that make us who we are; any less of that in me, i wont be sure if i will be able to touch you as how i did now. i hear it over and over again to you i am just this person with a very practical side where you blow it up/ magnify it ten billions times under your microscope; i hope this is not blocking you from seeing i am just a very vulnerable human being afterall. we have been through this conversation on how we wont teach each other about how to live/ what to do but will just live it as we are, remember?
i touch you because i am me, do you think you can accept that?