Is the life I'm living the life that wants to live in me?

i wrote him a letter; about everything all over again; the same thing happened; it's identical; we talked, feel emotional and yet, nothing seems to change; because deep inside this just feels right; i know for sure that i will never ever be the one; i can let go that part of you now and start to look for another way that we have tried before on how to be with each other which hopefully it will work this time; we were talking for so long; on being old; on his predicament on cannot undo something in the past and now affecting his future decision; it's very vague and metaphorically; i cant put it together; i cant help; i don't even know what he is trying to say; is it relationship; is it work; is it financial crisis; he way past mid life crisis or too late to should be in whatever crisis that he is in; he mentioned her; how strong; discreet as me and how she plays a big part in his life holding everything together; on how he has this duty in him; to try harder; to be there; to do; that sound like he owing her something; you have just one life; he said he will tell me one day; someday i guess; no matter; he said we are a different breed; people are hard to get people like us; so once we found each other we grab on to each other tight; afraid of letting go and then couldn't find each other again anymore; he said he's being real cliché tonight; since when we are not; i like how he describe a dear friend which really put great effort to stay close to him which this friend believes: that no matter what, he believes he is doing his best; and how i would like to become this kind of friend to him; without any fuss; without any string attach; no sexual baggage but still feel emotional deep inside; we talked about sexuality but that kind of mess up; he can stand still somehow he has to move anyway; make a decision and go, whether right or wrong; what is wrong and what is right; who to know; who would ask; who can we ask; how people compartmentalise relationship; give things label; how i am very special; how death is actually part of us; what is the fine line in between the compartment; how we should define things horizontally; how certain someone could be everything to you; that i really didn't change much; that we both enjoy us; enjoy this; enjoy now - for such an emotional & beautiful night.