I’m thinking the reason I’ve been so quiet all those years is only because he wasn’t around yet for me to tell everything to.

i know for sure this moment; i never want to be apart from you; we experienced a rare moment together; you put up a really good suggestion; you drove me home; i threw a little tantrum coz a miss of time that we could've spent together; i still value it very much that we can talk and recap at the end of the day; now it becomes bit and pieces; i want to jot it down now before i forget; we have our own little phrases already; ok thanks bye; ok then; alright then; all the funny lines; you are not discipline; i know there's things you do not like me to make fun about; but you know not a crazy way to push it away; you always seem so nerdy; straight and square; even your joke is so; it was a day trip; we got everything done; then for the two three days we just hibernate into each's other company; chasing; reading; watching news for every single update as quick as we possibly can; i truly value all these moments we spent together for possibly the biggest turning point of our country's history and we were together with each other witnessing this moment; this is some experiences moment cant buy; words cant make out how i feel; then we took a breather in between for a short gap; i'm getting ready for a guest; then you picked me up for breakfast; see you again shortly after; boredom often comes to mind; i truly believe it is in your control to make it as colorful as you can be; the dink life that we miserably admit; watering plants that are not even mine; happy that i play a part; looking at furniture; moving it around at your home; going to a tasty flavorful Macanese restaurant; walk in the park whenever we can; the idea to create a comfortable space for me; slowly going towards that goal; i hope i will soon feel the ease being with you no matter where we are; looking forward to our big travel trip together; i know i still being pessimistic and realistic about being together; thank you for reassuring me time and time again to make me believe that we will pull thru; together; no matter what. 

I wonder how many people don’t get the one they want, but end up with the one they’re supposed to be with.

you off for a week; before a new start; list full of errands kind of week; squeeze in as many things as you can; you should segregate; i disagree your way; you noted; mid week meet; you came to my place; because you are off and that's the right thing to do; happy to see you; last night chit chat lingers; some cute things you said; how you say hmm; how you say ok then; how you have this flat tone and you burst into laughter and choking when i am saying something about you because you have a pattern which you do.

i love you, so much.

True love is like ghosts, which everybody talks about and few have seen.

you ask me how come i am extra loving; have i not been; you felt it more this weekend and you feel so loved; i do not want to hold grudges; do not want to sulk; we have done so much; like you when you recap stuff; this is enough for me; really. 

It’s amazing how someone can break your heart, but you still love them with all the little pieces.

we bring a friend's kid to a playground; she will be the reason one day if i wake up not wanting children; we can do so much together; many many things; just a long list ahead of us with so little time; we grab and hold on to each other with all our might; become one unit; become inseparable; i made you happy; you are a lucky man; that was the sweetest thing; i came and see you after training; wee bit early; because i have time; met at your soon to be ex office; had couple of star fruit mojitos; no one will refuse to have an open relationship; no matter who they are; im still intrigue.

I guess being needed is almost as good as being loved. Maybe better

you went to Singapore; i got sick when my friend visit; it was late; you insisted to come over; send me to hospital; luckily there's nothing serious; you send me back home; without worry; i feel your warmth and cover me with love; somethings i will not hesistate to have. 

When you love someone, they become your reason.

Recap. Then I realise. You love recap.

845. U reached my home. This is the weekend after a long time we get to spend together. Fully. Next week you travel to spore. And soon enough you will start to travel for your work. We slept early. Chit chat a little while. We did not watch movie. Then the next morning. We get intimate. And head out for dim sum. We had a few errands to run. We went and pick up my cert. had coffee. smoke. Went to Puchong and pick up the things you needed to pick up. we both have dumb siblings. we agreed on that and have a laugh about it. we rest for a while. you dropped me home. two hours gap and we met again to go to the park. we bought some stuff and i made dinner for you. with the bread. we had a good time. we slept early then we went to the park. you proud of me i ran 2K. we went to pick up your glasses. had coffee. called up customer service. in the end, we thought we had a lot of errands to run. so we did not buy mattress protector. the small cabinet. or new pillow. we leave it as it is. we just prioritizing. anxious about the tickets all day. you are such a structured person. i like that about you. we did not go to the park. the grass has been cut. we watch GF2. commented. chit chat about it. about being cruel. about family. about enemy. you like it. i find it so and so. again i cook you dinner. satisfying meal. we see each other again the next day. i climb over your gate. due to the remote. finally you got it change. you were excited the few hours of working because you know you will see me. im happy. i wonder would you change for me. or are you just constantly changing to adopt and you are not who you are anymore. curious gets the best out of me as usual. 

I do not exist to impress the world. I exist to live my life in a way that will make me happy.

i haven't been writing since two weeks back; every time when i get to spend time with you; time seems to fly by fast; i recall this time around you have not been spending time much at my place; you did it last during that time your house has water disruption; we watched godfather 1 and you said we should watch 2 together; you will tell me the story line if i do not understand it; i gave you what i had; it is not something uncommon; nevertheless nervous and scary; you say you do not mind; i guess we cant mind it anymore; i did laundry for you; it lasted for a week; finally all settle back in; went to a crowded Chinese restaurant twice; wont go there anymore; still like our little mexican place the best; where we relax; had breakfast, lunch and smoke; we also went back to little india; had simple breakfast; life is too short to wait; it is not like the food is so worthwhile; we went to KLCC one time too; got anxious about looking for a breakfast place; i urged you to hurry along; decided to had breakfast in a little kopitiam cafe; satisfied meal; see you two days in a row before i head off to hometown; had nice indian apam; so many varieties; i have discovered; sometimes odd conversation happens between you and i; the "caring" perception you wish to create; the dragging on task that should have been done that annoys me a little; as long as it does not crash on our major value; i guess i can live with it; gotten present from your uncle from his trip; happy someone actually remembers; we laugh a lot when we are together; you open door for me; a lot of your chronic unease moments kick in; do this and that because; i start to adopt; do not see any harm; i want to be a better person; i am not the type that sets goal; never do; with you; i wish i can do more; run more; love you more and more and more.

I think a lot, but I don’t say much.

heavy rain; i am out in my black dress; blow my hair; glad you asked for a meet; suggested a noodle place that we have missed; made reservation; everything is well in order; you stood by me; liking my black dress and converse shoes; it is better to wear shoes; you said; you look so beautiful; what were you saying; you lose your thought; we hold hand; you touch me and lean forward for a kiss; the very first time in public; i am useful to you in a way; beneficial; i dropped you home; i was glad i did; when you do not feel used; this type of thing is actually ok; 

It bothers me that no one has the patience to deal with someone who is just sad.

we had a small episode; i felt it is too small; i do not want to sulk; i do not want to miss out the opportunity to tell you what i am supposed to tell you before it is too late; just because i said "get out"; i do not know if this is your emotional baggage; you said it may not be; i insist a little; nine years is a long time; just because you did not want to stay longer and talk; 10-15 minutes max; otherwise it became a conference call; it ends with frustration; i did not get to see you; due to some water distress situation; few days; i already anticipate; what if you love; what if you change job; what if it becomes long distance; i off the phone; went to bed; the next day; you laugh at my conference call description; we are alright; i am still mad but i can talk; you decided let's meet anyway; just as my best friend suggested; i am so glad i have all of you; i mean every single one of you; in my life.

You don’t pass or fail at being a person, dear.

you had an event an alumni gathering on Friday night; you did not sleep over; we met Saturday morning; you woke late; you asked if i want to do breakfast; you came and pick me up; for breakfast; i was happy you called; wanted to see you; we went to our favourite place; had breakfast; walked around; cafe; checking out artistic mug set; still yet to get you one that i have broke; nothing nice; such pleasure the small time we spend together; went to your place; unexpected dinner with your parents and their friend; ended well; the next day; an interview disruption; realise you are an nervous and anxious guy who like to bring up plan last minute; stay upstairs; you said; made me feel like i am rushing you up; you are; i did not say it out loud; did not want to bother you because your interview is coming up; leave you in peace; slowly saving a mental list; making notes; what to do and what not to do; just to make out relationship w wee bit better; if if is not for you; then for me; at least. 

I am that clumsy human, always loving, loving, loving. And loving. And never leaving.

i gave it to you too; you realize; i feel bad; eventually the feeling goes away; because there is not much i can do; you step in the hospital; being with me there; made a small difference; alongside me waiting in the hospital; although just a short time; making sure i am ok; long processes; tedious paper work; we had breakfast; coffee; then after settle; we had lunch; a fancy nice little Thai place; the feeling lingers on; every time when i get to spend time with you; miss you before you are gone; want to hold you kiss you touch you; the feeling of missing you; goes way beyond; goes on and on; fear to tell you; for this feeling may burden you on your heavy shoulder; i step away; always a few steps back; just to show you; i am still strong; although deep down i am weak; always am weak. 

You will either step forward into growth, or back into safety.

i thought you are not going to come over;
i thought dance is more important;
i want that to be more important to you;
of course I'm coming over;
you said you wanted to show support;
and i thought you stay until the end;
then there you were;
at my place;
i forgot to lock the wooden door;
you sleep over;
without preparation;
left early in the morning;
i felt you were hot and cold;
you say you are not;
somehow;
someway;
i still feel you are.

No one has ever become poor by giving.

you are my priority; you are first person i wanted to come home to after my long break; the various messages from you saying that you love me; need me; want me; i really value the fact that i am in your future. i want to be with you too; you got too excited to see me; i was disappointed a little; in the end; i guess i just have to feel alright about that. 

I may not have been sure about what really did interest me, but I was absolutely sure about what didn’t.

no more surprise; decided to see you after my dinner with classmates; at your dancing place; feel drained; tired; no mood to dance; just one; feel sorry for that guy; i was all over the place; cant believe i found you and tomorrow is V Day; we talked 30 min passed midnight; we talk about having you around; what if i lose you; i said; you start to want to make sure im safe; want to leave things for me; which i do not think your parents will agree to; feel sweet that you say that; you felt shy in the morning; you motion to me; i get it; i talk too much; afraid you may get hurt; still you went on; i do not want anything from you; not expecting anything; i guess that is the best expectation.

Happy Valentine's; you smiled and said 

Words are not that important when you recognize intentions.

in bed last night;
you touched my collar bone;
"why? what's wrong?";
you laughed at my seriousness;
then ask me to do it again.

it is fun; with you; sometimes.

at times; i also talk too much.

i know that. 

I regret that it takes a life to learn how to live.

you probably already feel sick of me travelling you about how i love you when i leave your house and send you long series of voice notes; just because you always say thank you; just because you made me feel appreciated; it started with you bail on me on a Friday night because you have 10pm meeting; i understand; because your plan have been messed up by a interview that never came; your whole weekend is fucked; then i thought i can see you the next morning and you have forgetting that i had an important signing appointment; i went out with my brother; a pleasant breakfast; maybe it wasn't such a bad idea we did not meet; tome was too short; you thought its better for me to chit chat and go with my brother; then you asked for lunch; i hesitated because i was still upset; i went with it because i miss you; i cried about it in the car and made you understand how i feel; you brought your clothes to sleep over; i was happy; you communicate deeply; we talk about sleeping with other people; if any one of us feel sexually dissatisfies; i do not know which one of us might be first; i like to wake with you; you are so sensitive and fragile that i worry about you all the time; you said you are 85% ok just because you want to be intimate with me; in the end we still fuck up; takes you another long while to recover; we should not do it again next time; i want you to be well; always; then we parted; left each other time to do other stuff; we went out for a nice breakfast; bought gifts and oranges; everything that i need to brought back home to; we ran in the rain; i enjoyed to see you enjoy; you kept on talking to me to make me forget the rain; i just want to run back to my car; lighting and thunder; i was not afraid; just does not like the feeling of getting soaking wet; do not see the point; mess is everywhere; bought some oranges to your uncle; dinner and then met your family late; have a brief chit chat; happy that they enjoy our brief company; went home; fell asleep peacefully; im at ease with you; you make me feel safe; how long can this save our relationship if every once in a while i will feel us emotionally disconnect; i do not know; what i do know is i do not want to be the only one who is trying; i hope you are too; i hope you will still do; forever and always. 

So please ask yourself: What would I do if I weren’t afraid? And then go do it.

small celebration on my final result; being rigid on the timing just because you want to stick to the time; cut maid cleaning time shorter to accommodate; i did not understand at first; just to drive to my place compare to the other place; then you explain to me; i try to understand; we can be flexible; it is just the timing between you and i; spend time; cook for you; sleep over my place; nice home cooked meal; went for mental health exhibition; emotional level; you 2; me 8; trying to balance it and accommodate; not an easy task; insist on your decision; being harsh on; without explanation; it was small thing after we talked it through; looking out for friends to understand my feelings; rather than you; spend time watching series and movies; then hours later met you again at your home; groggy and fell asleep cutely; we are so good whenever we are together; sometimes misunderstood; somehow; someway; we found common ground; i am not perfect; always take a step back and look at myself; always; thank you for allow me to be me; really; i mean that.

You always admire what you really don’t understand.

“Hey. I don’t have to tell you everything.”

Maybe he doesn’t realise when he says that to people. Someone so called partner. He is hurting them.

Maybe I’m too one sided.

Maybe I’m the only one that think we should share everything together.

I have secrets too. Who am i to say. I don’t own him. Or entitle him.

Maybe partner doesn’t mean you guys will be together. Will share everything.

I’m glad he is that way. So I don’t feel bad when I don’t tell him everything.

I am too tired and I miss you too much.

we said in order for us to work, we would,

take care of each other;

communicate deeply;

allow each other to do our own things;

even though it means sometimes i will be hearing you say:

"hey, i do not have to tell you everything."

Yes, we too are stardust.

there will be times in your life that you will just do crazy things; it happened that day; after work; spontaneous random trip; short flight; to see a friend; we can talk about anything emotional; and this friend will get it; this friend will accept it and this friend will embrace it. i love you, friend. this will not be something that will last for a lifetime; but i am happy this is happening to us now.