You will either step forward into growth, or back into safety.

i thought you are not going to come over;
i thought dance is more important;
i want that to be more important to you;
of course I'm coming over;
you said you wanted to show support;
and i thought you stay until the end;
then there you were;
at my place;
i forgot to lock the wooden door;
you sleep over;
without preparation;
left early in the morning;
i felt you were hot and cold;
you say you are not;
somehow;
someway;
i still feel you are.

No one has ever become poor by giving.

you are my priority; you are first person i wanted to come home to after my long break; the various messages from you saying that you love me; need me; want me; i really value the fact that i am in your future. i want to be with you too; you got too excited to see me; i was disappointed a little; in the end; i guess i just have to feel alright about that. 

I may not have been sure about what really did interest me, but I was absolutely sure about what didn’t.

no more surprise; decided to see you after my dinner with classmates; at your dancing place; feel drained; tired; no mood to dance; just one; feel sorry for that guy; i was all over the place; cant believe i found you and tomorrow is V Day; we talked 30 min passed midnight; we talk about having you around; what if i lose you; i said; you start to want to make sure im safe; want to leave things for me; which i do not think your parents will agree to; feel sweet that you say that; you felt shy in the morning; you motion to me; i get it; i talk too much; afraid you may get hurt; still you went on; i do not want anything from you; not expecting anything; i guess that is the best expectation.

Happy Valentine's; you smiled and said 

Words are not that important when you recognize intentions.

in bed last night;
you touched my collar bone;
"why? what's wrong?";
you laughed at my seriousness;
then ask me to do it again.

it is fun; with you; sometimes.

at times; i also talk too much.

i know that. 

I regret that it takes a life to learn how to live.

you probably already feel sick of me travelling you about how i love you when i leave your house and send you long series of voice notes; just because you always say thank you; just because you made me feel appreciated; it started with you bail on me on a Friday night because you have 10pm meeting; i understand; because your plan have been messed up by a interview that never came; your whole weekend is fucked; then i thought i can see you the next morning and you have forgetting that i had an important signing appointment; i went out with my brother; a pleasant breakfast; maybe it wasn't such a bad idea we did not meet; tome was too short; you thought its better for me to chit chat and go with my brother; then you asked for lunch; i hesitated because i was still upset; i went with it because i miss you; i cried about it in the car and made you understand how i feel; you brought your clothes to sleep over; i was happy; you communicate deeply; we talk about sleeping with other people; if any one of us feel sexually dissatisfies; i do not know which one of us might be first; i like to wake with you; you are so sensitive and fragile that i worry about you all the time; you said you are 85% ok just because you want to be intimate with me; in the end we still fuck up; takes you another long while to recover; we should not do it again next time; i want you to be well; always; then we parted; left each other time to do other stuff; we went out for a nice breakfast; bought gifts and oranges; everything that i need to brought back home to; we ran in the rain; i enjoyed to see you enjoy; you kept on talking to me to make me forget the rain; i just want to run back to my car; lighting and thunder; i was not afraid; just does not like the feeling of getting soaking wet; do not see the point; mess is everywhere; bought some oranges to your uncle; dinner and then met your family late; have a brief chit chat; happy that they enjoy our brief company; went home; fell asleep peacefully; im at ease with you; you make me feel safe; how long can this save our relationship if every once in a while i will feel us emotionally disconnect; i do not know; what i do know is i do not want to be the only one who is trying; i hope you are too; i hope you will still do; forever and always. 

So please ask yourself: What would I do if I weren’t afraid? And then go do it.

small celebration on my final result; being rigid on the timing just because you want to stick to the time; cut maid cleaning time shorter to accommodate; i did not understand at first; just to drive to my place compare to the other place; then you explain to me; i try to understand; we can be flexible; it is just the timing between you and i; spend time; cook for you; sleep over my place; nice home cooked meal; went for mental health exhibition; emotional level; you 2; me 8; trying to balance it and accommodate; not an easy task; insist on your decision; being harsh on; without explanation; it was small thing after we talked it through; looking out for friends to understand my feelings; rather than you; spend time watching series and movies; then hours later met you again at your home; groggy and fell asleep cutely; we are so good whenever we are together; sometimes misunderstood; somehow; someway; we found common ground; i am not perfect; always take a step back and look at myself; always; thank you for allow me to be me; really; i mean that.

You always admire what you really don’t understand.

“Hey. I don’t have to tell you everything.”

Maybe he doesn’t realise when he says that to people. Someone so called partner. He is hurting them.

Maybe I’m too one sided.

Maybe I’m the only one that think we should share everything together.

I have secrets too. Who am i to say. I don’t own him. Or entitle him.

Maybe partner doesn’t mean you guys will be together. Will share everything.

I’m glad he is that way. So I don’t feel bad when I don’t tell him everything.

I am too tired and I miss you too much.

we said in order for us to work, we would,

take care of each other;

communicate deeply;

allow each other to do our own things;

even though it means sometimes i will be hearing you say:

"hey, i do not have to tell you everything."

Yes, we too are stardust.

there will be times in your life that you will just do crazy things; it happened that day; after work; spontaneous random trip; short flight; to see a friend; we can talk about anything emotional; and this friend will get it; this friend will accept it and this friend will embrace it. i love you, friend. this will not be something that will last for a lifetime; but i am happy this is happening to us now. 

Here’s what nobody tells you: 90 percent of the time, when you fall in love, somebody gets burned.

i walked into your house just about the time you text me; we sat there with each other for 90 minutes; i thought this is going to be boring; time just slip thru; with no sound; i was happy just to hold you in my arm; finally the big day comes; the next level; took the time to find the perfect gift; they like it; warm smile; small talk; tea session; 45 minutes; gotten the tick; most difficult part consider over; the acceptance; the first impression; the initial perception; all went well; even physical size has been part of the matter; it's the kind of thing we can laugh about many many years down the road; when you and i lying there; i like to hear you say that three words the most; i like how you attentively react to my response and grab my hand to seek for further clarification; i want no guessing game; everything between us should be pure and honest; just like how i honestly do not want you to tell me soemthing that will hurt me even though you think i should know; we do not need to share every single in our life with each other; we can share anything but it doesn't have to be EVERYTHING.

I think 99 times and find nothing. I stop thinking, swim in silence, and the truth comes to me.

i called in sick in the  morning; you brought me to doctor; made sure i have everything i need; the number of times we thought about the same thing was quite scary; it makes me happy we think of the same thing most of the time; i have been sick the whole week; we did not see each other; finally giving in and took antibiotics; we did not manage to meet during mid week; we will have a part during weekend; we will see each other then; thought to just have dinner Friday after work; you brought your bag; i was surprise and happy; you sleep over; in my home; feel at ease; you said soemthing about not having the weight in your legs; very funny; sometimes we change plan for better convenience; other time just out of sheer benefits for each other; still laugh about the bus stop; that i saw the bus you did not step out from; the disappointment; you went home after sleep over; i did my own thing; i pick you up at the station; knowing which side i should be seated; let you drive; you gave me a card; i read that three little words and i wonder why; you said you were too shy; i asked when did you realise you want to tell me that; you said sometime back; during the party i allow you to drink more; i drove you home; happy yo spend time with you even if i dont dance; i want you to dance more; do the things you like to do; three things: we do not hurt each other; we communicate openly and we allow the other person to do things they like; we came back; lie on bed and chit chat; watch some music videos; reminiscing memories;  you kept telling me i am beautiful; that you like me; that you want to be with me; that you want me in your life; we did it twice that day; as if magic happens; you turned me on; i like it when you want me and desire me; we talk about other fantasy; openly; then go to your place; the usual coffee-breakfast-ciggie morning; you told me about work; we are in each other's world; i end up helping you with the garden under the hot sun; spent more time together; getting present for your parents; talk more in bed; on how we complete each other; on how you feel us like both hands lock together seamlessly; wien; and again sometimes feeling lost on your freckle minded moment; constant change of goal post; do not know what to expect; wonder if you really know who you are; we talked about sleeping with someone; i have becoming more curious; intrigue more than anything; on one hand i do not want you to change; on the other hand i wish you can feel more; emotionally; completely.

Time didn’t heal, but it anesthetized. The human mind could only feel so much.

im afraid that; there will come a time; i may not be able to capture it fast enough; for the memories of your relationship; unexpectedly; we met; to sort out important document with me; to clear my head with all the numbers and confusion; you are good at that; you kept on saying that i am perfect for you; i have met your set criteria and so much more; we gave each other the freedom to be ourselves; you had a shower; tshirt; boxer of mine; feel intimately close to you; you are so happy i am in your life; you told me so many times; sometimes i wonder if this is real; that it sounds too good to be true; want to just be with you; we had dinner; heavy rain; want to be convenient for each other; afraid that we will be troublesome and burden; end up miscomm with each other; somehow not very mad; expect you to step out from the bus but did not; had a good laugh about that; amazingly care for each other so much; created a drama group just to roll eyes and sigh at each other dramatically; you calm me down; we want to make each other a better person; that is already the perfect commitment; without having to say i love you; you even say do one thing at a time because it does not give more value if we do everything in one go; going to meet your parents later; i do not mind; it is a big deal to meet; but also i am ok to postpone it; whatever happened will happens i guess; gave you a surprise on Tuesday; see you dance because my dinner was cancelled; wont be annoyed even if you turn me away; bad surprise turned out worse for me before; been disappointed far too many times and do not mind to be disappointed again; not from you; you were happy i was there; dancing away a few; you tell me to say no; you bend down on your knee in front of me; as an act; i was taken a back; when i hold you close dancing; i can smell you; feel your sweat; tenderly move with your body; the moment just feels so right; maybe it's time to let go; maybe its time to let you control; maybe it's time to let you lead; still not my favourite activity; truly just want to be with you in the moment; you suggested to go to another dance place because i was around; i brought my bag so i slept over; spontaneously; house warming last week; brought you to see my friends; prep for the day; bought food; bought plant; went for breakfast; for lunch; running around; did gardening; because it was such a cool weather week; that you liking it; we notice our different preference; often want to be accommodating to each other; sometimes i do not know its you more than to me; to me more than to you; it blurs the line; it does not matter anymore; just want to do things for each other; i mix drink. big headache and hangover; ended up sleeping the whole day; often think about the same thing and action; sometimes you say it first; sometimes i do; often we have the same mind; more importantly shared values; did not expect to extend my stay; send me home to pick up some clothes; ended up having lunch and watch a movie; feeling cozy just to be with you; i notice that sometimes you did not finish what you started and you are a guy with passion dies down fast after a quick start; i have yet to figure you out; in a good way; you want to be with me all the time; you send me a nice photos of that which reminded you of us; prepare a room for me that is comfortable enough to make me feel like home; i want to be with you; only with you for the rest of my life; i have never be so sure about this kind of thing; even more so that is something you do not need to ask twice. 

Fools talk, cowards are silent, wise men listen.

Friday; you slept over after i have done with my first dance class trial; still feel it is not me; had fun nevertheless; it is not something urgent or really want to do; care about how to spend time with you longer; so did you; always feel that our time spent together is short; especially this weekend we did not get to sleep over on Sunday; you had activity which i am glad; that means we still living our own life; met my family; had a good time; you said that both of us living our lives without interfering with each other; which we will continue to do so; already talk about future; practical thought about having kids is not the answer; we have to really be sure about this; maybe it is really time to consider this time to be it and do it already; taking a big bold step; together.

Love should require both partners to be their very best at all times.

that is all i need; that you tell me you miss me so much; that you tell me you do not want to go anywhere without me; that you will be patience with me.

that is all that i really really need with you. 

Close some doors. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because they no longer lead somewhere.

i haven't had this feeling for so long; in fact to be frank; i don't think i ever had this feeling with anyone before; to be so in love; to feel so much; to think that i want to spend the rest of my life with you and that when you were driving me around; doing little things spending the weekend together: coffee, movie, newspaper, grocery shopping; bbq new years eve celebration; how we want to do this every year; holiday; traveling; planning forward without even feeling any hesitation or reluctance; i know in me so much that i want to do this with you; it is hard for me to describe; i just know this and only know this - i want to grow old with you; i am very very ready. 

If everything is imperfect in this world, love is perfect in its imperfection.

Two getaways within a short time. Can’t believe I feel so comfortable with someone to the extend that we have already committed to talk about the next step. Did so many things together. Having a lot of laughs. Dream about exam and Thailand. Makes you laugh out loud, long and hard. I wish I can keep doing that to you. For the rest of your life. Meeting family. Staying together. That is what we want to do. Took 30min to finish 36 questions that require about four hours. Your way of handling emotions are just so different. Survive the long drive. Look forward to the next. You said you can take care of me. Keep me safe. Late night drink. Supper. Underwear. Cup noodle. Surprise Christmas gift. All I want to do for you. So so much. I wish I can keep the list going. You hope you will still have new story to tell me when you see sixty. I want to keep you for a long time. I know that much. Langkawi. Beaches. Rain and sun. Breakfast every morning. Bikini that caught your eyes. Checking on me every step of the way. You always say thank you for small stuff which makes me show you my appreciation in return. i am so happy that we are building all these memories, together. 

I’ve always been interested in people, but I’ve never liked them.

line of the date: "the reason why i am happy is because you are in  my life."

is this feeling real now?
will it ever fade?



i wish we both in this world, in this dream, for a long time. 

Very little is needed to make a happy life: it is all within yourself in your way of thinking.

3d/2n; weekend get away; already thinking about the next trip; we made it and marked this as mission accomplished; i have forgotten if i have once fall in love romantically; we talked a lot about life; love; affair; sharing thoughts; exchanging ideas; feeling free and liberated; still somewhat skeptical; all and all a good trip; found out a lot of things about each other; where our energy comes from; rain and sun; you allow me to be free while keeping me safe in wherever you go; this is how you show that you care; more on the practical side; less on the emotional side; you read me a series of your thoughts; all these while being honest in your thinking; we can be ourselves very much when we are around each other; makes us wonder where have we been all these while; slight funny moment about meeting your relative and forgot about driving me to work; small hiccups made me realise even more so life is just small and wonderful if you are spending with the right person; you made me breakfast and i deeply appreciate the fact that the more you are treating me well; the more i want to treat you well too; in return; this is not because i feel like i owe you or i have to; this is simply because i have fallen deeply head over heel with you; i know for sure at least that is real and it is soemthing what i have not felt for a long long time; thank you.

It was probably nothing but it felt like the world.

you came to my work; drove me home; slept over; we did not go to the party or dance; we rather stay home; glad we did; shared two smooth beers; you were not feeling well; we just chit chatting away over dinner; you told me a lot of things about your previous job; the one that you like very much and trying to forget; we talk about barbeque session again; roll eyes on small little things; debate about home and house; each time we thought we disagreeing; in away we are finding a common ground to stick together; i feel you much more differently with all that i have known so far; all the feelings i have for you are just so so right.

Line of the date: I really do not want to separate from you. All the time. 

The one thing I don’t want to be is a burden to anyone.

we were just hanging out; doing small thing; we went to get your glasses fixed; i was having a rough day; i called in sick the next; spend time with you; drop you off at work before you began your two weeks long holiday; i am glad we have each our own life and activity to do; had a blast at my home; charade; taboo; Christmas tree; hosting someone; all went fantastically well; we meet to view your friend's house; decision changes along the way; happy we chat; a walk in the park; felt such great relief; help to talk to someone who cares; more concern and always worry about your physical well being; you have a lot of things to do during your day off; accompany you else where; going to kick off our holiday soon; the very first; i hope everything will go well; as it should; it does not even bother me that we talk about future; child; your parents comment on me; guess they do care because they asked question; no one wants their child to be hurt, again; being cautious; unimportant stuff; we do things that made each other laugh; liking my serious look coz i look hot; silly but fun comment; bond we build slowly; miss you terribly when we are apart; i gradually accept the fact that you will only be there and hold my hand when i am really sad or just give me a "tight hug" message, because you are just not a guy that shows your emotion on your face; that is how you will be and choose to deal with emotion; not in a dramatic manner; i just have to be ok and live with that; which i can; i am and i want.

line of the date: "are you expecting?"