You don’t know what burdens other people bear. Always treat them with the greatest of care.

it's another weekend;
i have much to tell you;
we talked for a short while;
far too short for me to share it all;
the electrician issue; my assignment with classmate; my hang out with friends;
so much thoughts and after thoughts that are worth sharing and talk about;
but it was way too short your drive;
i started now to hate it when you ask what is new with me but i have to summarize and concentrate everything within 20 minutes;
we have decided and agreed to see us in May;
want an easier justification for you;
hence no where far away;
in the end;
i was surprise that you still able to know me well even i have not shared so much;
guess i am just predictable;
furthermore what else can we really say what can you really advice me with;
it doesnt get too far away but sex;
we all feel alone; empty; depress;
i was lucky i can work;
she is obviously unhappy but in the midst of get out of it;
i can only help so much;
but how can i tell you all that;
you can go home and share them;
i wont be able to and i do not want to;
in the end i have to deal with it and solve my own problems;
like how i always do.

I wish to love and be loved. To hold and be held. To kiss and be kissed. To feel and be felt. Nothing more. Nothing less.

we admit we can never have a quickie;
the sexual lust and reminicense of the good old memory;
first time driven you to my place blindfolded;
missed your call due to meeting;
then you call after your dinner;
chat was too short;
you left me hanging yearning and longing for you;
i do not want to imagine our ordinary life;
i wish even if we are together it is as passionate as we are taking it now;
driving me insane;
always get sexy with each other;
ideally in my dream;
let's be forever horny and happy with each other;
even if its just a dream.

Wherever you go, go with all your heart.

you thank me for making time with you even with the distraction;
i was surprise;
didnt know you would notice that;
i was not joking when i said if we were with each other for 25 years i will no longer give you the type of attention that i have given you;
for now because of our circumstances which is totally normal;
why would i want to miss out any second that i could spend with you or talk with you;
i cant afford to;
i do not have a life time with you;
although we half jokingly said we should live until 73 and you 100;
because eventually one day;
you and i both know;
we will run out of things to say to each other anyway.

A mistake repeated more than once is a decision.

i start to afraid of our "for argument sake" statement;

i start to afraid that we compare too much;

i start to afraid that we start to sway away of what we are initial here for. 

I have always loved too much or not enough.

the love i have for you is dragging me down emotionally;
i need some other avenue;
outlet;
so that i know you are not the only one in my mind;
i contact him again;
just to get you out of my head;
just to balance of the imbalance and jealousy i have in me;
otherwise i will be eating up slowly;
by a scary creature that i have created myself.

I want to be loved and to be left alone.

As I was asking you if you will have a better life without me; you cant say for sure; I want you to just say yes or no; I said you will definitely have more time; but you said you probably use those time to do something else; what is the point then? I do not understand. I said we are different; you insist we are the same.

You can’t just change me and then leave.

i am afraid that i cant be there for you;
that you do not need me;
that something bad would happen to you and i cant help you;
just because of the circumstances make it so;
then in the end i have to tell myself to walk away and admit to the fact that we are here just for the sex.

I am doing something I hate for you. This is what it means to be in love.

you told me to do it in the way that i feel best;
i know then from that moment on;
i will start to share; speak; talk; move; think;
and get ready to one day get really terribly hurt;
and that i have to crawl back to my own cave;
and lick the wound off on my own;
once more;
nevertheless;
you told me you will do new things to me when we next meet;
that excites me once more;
and i do not mind the wait;
the pain;
the longing;
anymore;
i hate you and yet you make me love you more.

It has made me better, loving you.

we did it again;
had a short weekend of great time;
you said stupid things that made me cried;
i have learnt that i am such a inexperience little girl with you;
we had some stupid argument;
i do not want to become her;
i asked you if you know why i am really upset;
you said you rather me settle down until i am less emotional;
i do not want you to guess;
i am not into game;
it is ok for you to say no;
you had me guessing;
you are also the one that like to be offer and ask sometimes;
you do not like to feel in debt;
that you are depending on someone else for happiness;
you do not like it because you think of it as a service;
and you need to give something in return;
i wont mind if you take a sip from whatever i am having;
i am more than happy to share;
but i will also not say it;
to avoid rejection and disappointment;
we told each other;
we will ask if we want it;
i asked you about our best memory;
it was our second night together;
whenever i am with you i do not want to hear about anyone else;
i cried numerous time;
you say you will find other if you re not with me;
plain sex and desire in between dishonesty;
we talked openly about so many things;
sex; first kiss; moral; being human; life;
we talked about how i have to deal with things myself where you have somewhere you belong and go back to;
you said i have it too but this is something you will never understand but you allow me to do it by myself the most comfortable way i want to;
i am afraid to expose my vulnerability to be bare naked in front of you to have no where to turn nothing i can go back to to fall back on;
at least now i have myself i still have a wall;
we do not know what will happen in 5 years;
you know it does not take any more hot stuff to excite you;
i am somewhere you escape to and so as you to me;
we excited about a secret get together to be away;
we are our little getaway for each other;
a run out of our routine;
i was silly enough to think that we would sit for a few stops but then we had to part;
once more train;
i insisted;
i am so afraid to lose you;
i do not think i can accept it;
you are too egoistic to let me go;
"do you want to still see us?"
yes - and that is all you needed to say;
you had me;
you always do;
have you thought about how to spend this short weekend with me before we meet;
no, but i always know that it will be easy with you;
because i cant be and i do not want to be another exact copy of someone to you;
we both have our own agenda;
to stay on;
to want to stay on;
so we did.

The two hardest things to say in life are hello for the first time and goodbye for the last.

settling stuff for your family;
both of us, especially me always feel awfully bad;
you did call yesterday evening a very prompt call;
i rather you did not call;
i rather we did not talk;
so i will not become sad and longing;
you call again this morning another very brief call;
we talking about the meet;
i could've booked an earlier flight to wait for you instead of you waiting for me;
you redefining the word "wait";
you do not mind;
i got panic;
we could have planned better somehow;
you kept asking me to relax;
i would argue i did mention an early flight because of the holiday;
then we did not go for it considering this is your business trip that i should match your timing;
5 hours wait;
you say you can do things;
the hotel is some distance;
we would be tired;
this time we should talk;
we probably should part ways;
it has been a year;
it should be enough and had been enough for us;
i kept telling myself;
i am happy i am happy i am happy;
but i am sad;
actually.

The best way I can love you is by not losing myself in you, but growing with you.

you were away;
we can rarely talk to each other;
out of our routine;
i was afraid i start to depend on you;
lose myself in you;
i try not to;
i do other things;
many many things;
get you off my mind;
get myself occupied;
not an easy task;
i thought i will be alright;
then comes the day;
i thought we are back to our routine;
you couldn't for one reason;
i would have to understand;
i have no choice;
it is behind the back of my head;
i know why and i do not want to compromise;
i said mean things;
i stay quiet;
we know it;
we have set to see each other again;
maybe we will let it go this time;
it is sensible;
this time.

I knew that what was left of me would always love you, but never in quite the same way.

you have to know;
i will not always be ok.

What does it matter how many lovers you have if none of them gives you the universe?

你用那几十块钱的东西让我看清楚了一个真相；
原来你也不是那个我以为会站在我身边的人；
我看走眼了；
就算我们是一家人；
我再一次失望；
彻底的。

Because now I could only be indifferent; I had no emotions left to lend.

you said he is not even attractive; and then i get it.

You gave everything to everyone. Except to me.

i notice our difference;
im not confrontational;
personal reason;
cultural reason;
you said you will not push;
somehow you do;
you let it slide anyway;
because you cant insist;
we talk about other random stuff;
still feel a thin wall;
i look forward to see you again;
even very shortly;
even very troublesomely. 

I’m smart enough to know that I’m dumb.

240117; 2100
i brought you a bottle of wine;
that you recommended;
you made time for me;
i look at you;
you cook for me even after a long day of work;
tomato salad; steak; fish; mixed potato;
all really tasty;
i pretend to be dumb enough not to know everything;
"no man has ever cook for you before, right?";
i nodded and smiled;
i turn on some music;
you showed me your burn mark;
which look amusingly funny;
i help with cleaning since i cant cook;
i was anxious and you saw that;
you asked me to relax;
you want an ice cream;
you ask me to just be calm and 2 seconds;
do nothing;
just hold your hands, sit with you and be calm;
because i am driving you crazy too;
and you do not need this;
you need the peace;
there's this very thin invisible line i am not crossing;
you told me about your daily morning routine;
what kind of relationship we building;
you said maybe in future you get me some cheap coffee;
maybe in the morning we can do something quick;
maybe i can have a green tea;
a lot of maybes;
but what does it all mean;
it means i can stay over longer;
hold your hand longer;
kiss you longer;
not to just have short fun sex;
not just compliment me that i have a great body and soft skin;
not just teasingly but actually mean it when you look at me and kiss me;
not shallowly; but with depth;
the kind of depth that i admire and can not get enough of;
i have been through too many rough times for me to believe that whatever passion i feel between you and i will turn into something real;
that'd be a lie;
you have your past that is still on your shoulder;
you will be going away;
i still wake up at 645 touching you very lightly;
afraid that i might wake you;
have no urge at all to have one last round with you before i go;
i just do not want to feel this hole inside without having something to fill it with;
im drained;
im exhausted;
not by you;
but by the hard thoughts that circling around my head;
in the end;
people are people;
all of us are selfish people;
that is just the way it is;
even someone close to you;
even that.

I’m so lonesome for you.

I have written the same story too many times. We talk about my hope, dream, things that I could've achieved. You pushing me to go for it. Grab that opportunity. I reluctantly say i refuse. You asked me why. I couldn't explain it. But you know why? Because.......

I couldn't explain to you why this is something I can do but I don't want.
I couldn't explain to you that no matter how many times you said you love me but in the end you won't be here.
I couldn't explain to you that in the end I will just be on my own.
I couldn't explain to you that this loneliness I feel inside.
I couldn't explain to you that I'm pretending everything will be just fine.
I couldn't explain to you that the hurt and pain I feel inside.
I couldn't explain to you that the rejection that I'm trying to avoid.
I couldn't explain to you the expectations that I try not to set.
I just couldn't explain to you all that.
How could I?
Because in the end I know you will not be mine;
Because eventually everyone leaves;
Because you are just like everyone else;
Because in the end I will still have to face it by myself on my own;
Because in the end.

Think long and hard before offering your heart to someone who can only accept it part-time.

i withdraw myself;
i do not want you to think i am jumping on you and that you feel that i am desperate;
which i am not;
i do however miss the warmth of your hand;
the teasing way you talk;
the way your eyes look at me;
the way we sit and touch each other naturally;
i also cant forget the sadness in your eyes;
and the tiredness in your voice.

Broken isn’t the same as unfixable.

But he is just so young;
inexperience;
openly talk about sex;
the flow was not right;
it did not happen the way we expect it to me;
just calmly chill out;
smoke a few;
nothing more.
nothing more.

Never be mean in anything. Never be false. Never be cruel.

如果我将一切都告诉了你；
如果我连最后一道防线都没有了的话；
我是会疯掉的；
我真的会。