Time didn’t heal, but it anesthetized. The human mind could only feel so much.

im afraid that; there will come a time; i may not be able to capture it fast enough; for the memories of your relationship; unexpectedly; we met; to sort out important document with me; to clear my head with all the numbers and confusion; you are good at that; you kept on saying that i am perfect for you; i have met your set criteria and so much more; we gave each other the freedom to be ourselves; you had a shower; tshirt; boxer of mine; feel intimately close to you; you are so happy i am in your life; you told me so many times; sometimes i wonder if this is real; that it sounds too good to be true; want to just be with you; we had dinner; heavy rain; want to be convenient for each other; afraid that we will be troublesome and burden; end up miscomm with each other; somehow not very mad; expect you to step out from the bus but did not; had a good laugh about that; amazingly care for each other so much; created a drama group just to roll eyes and sigh at each other dramatically; you calm me down; we want to make each other a better person; that is already the perfect commitment; without having to say i love you; you even say do one thing at a time because it does not give more value if we do everything in one go; going to meet your parents later; i do not mind; it is a big deal to meet; but also i am ok to postpone it; whatever happened will happens i guess; gave you a surprise on Tuesday; see you dance because my dinner was cancelled; wont be annoyed even if you turn me away; bad surprise turned out worse for me before; been disappointed far too many times and do not mind to be disappointed again; not from you; you were happy i was there; dancing away a few; you tell me to say no; you bend down on your knee in front of me; as an act; i was taken a back; when i hold you close dancing; i can smell you; feel your sweat; tenderly move with your body; the moment just feels so right; maybe it's time to let go; maybe its time to let you control; maybe it's time to let you lead; still not my favourite activity; truly just want to be with you in the moment; you suggested to go to another dance place because i was around; i brought my bag so i slept over; spontaneously; house warming last week; brought you to see my friends; prep for the day; bought food; bought plant; went for breakfast; for lunch; running around; did gardening; because it was such a cool weather week; that you liking it; we notice our different preference; often want to be accommodating to each other; sometimes i do not know its you more than to me; to me more than to you; it blurs the line; it does not matter anymore; just want to do things for each other; i mix drink. big headache and hangover; ended up sleeping the whole day; often think about the same thing and action; sometimes you say it first; sometimes i do; often we have the same mind; more importantly shared values; did not expect to extend my stay; send me home to pick up some clothes; ended up having lunch and watch a movie; feeling cozy just to be with you; i notice that sometimes you did not finish what you started and you are a guy with passion dies down fast after a quick start; i have yet to figure you out; in a good way; you want to be with me all the time; you send me a nice photos of that which reminded you of us; prepare a room for me that is comfortable enough to make me feel like home; i want to be with you; only with you for the rest of my life; i have never be so sure about this kind of thing; even more so that is something you do not need to ask twice. 

Fools talk, cowards are silent, wise men listen.

Friday; you slept over after i have done with my first dance class trial; still feel it is not me; had fun nevertheless; it is not something urgent or really want to do; care about how to spend time with you longer; so did you; always feel that our time spent together is short; especially this weekend we did not get to sleep over on Sunday; you had activity which i am glad; that means we still living our own life; met my family; had a good time; you said that both of us living our lives without interfering with each other; which we will continue to do so; already talk about future; practical thought about having kids is not the answer; we have to really be sure about this; maybe it is really time to consider this time to be it and do it already; taking a big bold step; together.

Love should require both partners to be their very best at all times.

that is all i need; that you tell me you miss me so much; that you tell me you do not want to go anywhere without me; that you will be patience with me.

that is all that i really really need with you. 

Close some doors. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because they no longer lead somewhere.

i haven't had this feeling for so long; in fact to be frank; i don't think i ever had this feeling with anyone before; to be so in love; to feel so much; to think that i want to spend the rest of my life with you and that when you were driving me around; doing little things spending the weekend together: coffee, movie, newspaper, grocery shopping; bbq new years eve celebration; how we want to do this every year; holiday; traveling; planning forward without even feeling any hesitation or reluctance; i know in me so much that i want to do this with you; it is hard for me to describe; i just know this and only know this - i want to grow old with you; i am very very ready. 

If everything is imperfect in this world, love is perfect in its imperfection.

Two getaways within a short time. Can’t believe I feel so comfortable with someone to the extend that we have already committed to talk about the next step. Did so many things together. Having a lot of laughs. Dream about exam and Thailand. Makes you laugh out loud, long and hard. I wish I can keep doing that to you. For the rest of your life. Meeting family. Staying together. That is what we want to do. Took 30min to finish 36 questions that require about four hours. Your way of handling emotions are just so different. Survive the long drive. Look forward to the next. You said you can take care of me. Keep me safe. Late night drink. Supper. Underwear. Cup noodle. Surprise Christmas gift. All I want to do for you. So so much. I wish I can keep the list going. You hope you will still have new story to tell me when you see sixty. I want to keep you for a long time. I know that much. Langkawi. Beaches. Rain and sun. Breakfast every morning. Bikini that caught your eyes. Checking on me every step of the way. You always say thank you for small stuff which makes me show you my appreciation in return. i am so happy that we are building all these memories, together. 

I’ve always been interested in people, but I’ve never liked them.

line of the date: "the reason why i am happy is because you are in  my life."

is this feeling real now?
will it ever fade?



i wish we both in this world, in this dream, for a long time. 

Very little is needed to make a happy life: it is all within yourself in your way of thinking.

3d/2n; weekend get away; already thinking about the next trip; we made it and marked this as mission accomplished; i have forgotten if i have once fall in love romantically; we talked a lot about life; love; affair; sharing thoughts; exchanging ideas; feeling free and liberated; still somewhat skeptical; all and all a good trip; found out a lot of things about each other; where our energy comes from; rain and sun; you allow me to be free while keeping me safe in wherever you go; this is how you show that you care; more on the practical side; less on the emotional side; you read me a series of your thoughts; all these while being honest in your thinking; we can be ourselves very much when we are around each other; makes us wonder where have we been all these while; slight funny moment about meeting your relative and forgot about driving me to work; small hiccups made me realise even more so life is just small and wonderful if you are spending with the right person; you made me breakfast and i deeply appreciate the fact that the more you are treating me well; the more i want to treat you well too; in return; this is not because i feel like i owe you or i have to; this is simply because i have fallen deeply head over heel with you; i know for sure at least that is real and it is soemthing what i have not felt for a long long time; thank you.

It was probably nothing but it felt like the world.

you came to my work; drove me home; slept over; we did not go to the party or dance; we rather stay home; glad we did; shared two smooth beers; you were not feeling well; we just chit chatting away over dinner; you told me a lot of things about your previous job; the one that you like very much and trying to forget; we talk about barbeque session again; roll eyes on small little things; debate about home and house; each time we thought we disagreeing; in away we are finding a common ground to stick together; i feel you much more differently with all that i have known so far; all the feelings i have for you are just so so right.

Line of the date: I really do not want to separate from you. All the time. 

The one thing I don’t want to be is a burden to anyone.

we were just hanging out; doing small thing; we went to get your glasses fixed; i was having a rough day; i called in sick the next; spend time with you; drop you off at work before you began your two weeks long holiday; i am glad we have each our own life and activity to do; had a blast at my home; charade; taboo; Christmas tree; hosting someone; all went fantastically well; we meet to view your friend's house; decision changes along the way; happy we chat; a walk in the park; felt such great relief; help to talk to someone who cares; more concern and always worry about your physical well being; you have a lot of things to do during your day off; accompany you else where; going to kick off our holiday soon; the very first; i hope everything will go well; as it should; it does not even bother me that we talk about future; child; your parents comment on me; guess they do care because they asked question; no one wants their child to be hurt, again; being cautious; unimportant stuff; we do things that made each other laugh; liking my serious look coz i look hot; silly but fun comment; bond we build slowly; miss you terribly when we are apart; i gradually accept the fact that you will only be there and hold my hand when i am really sad or just give me a "tight hug" message, because you are just not a guy that shows your emotion on your face; that is how you will be and choose to deal with emotion; not in a dramatic manner; i just have to be ok and live with that; which i can; i am and i want.

line of the date: "are you expecting?"

The darkest minds tend to hide behind the most unlikely faces.

"I’m blown away by how happy you make me. Thank you for being there for me when I’m stupid enough to think I’d rather be alone. -- Adam Silvera"

all you need to say is "i miss you terribly" and that is all; it is funny how sometimes the emotional disconnection comes back; in a small way; then i make it matter again; i do not want to suppress my feeling anymore; so i can feel again because i do not want to feel detach from you; at all.

i am happy that we have shared about us to our loved one; we live our own lives; at least i do; their advice counts very little; i still respect them; in a way.

Control yourself…Become someone who can deal with this.

i am still surprise how naturally both of us can be when we are together; it just feels right; i saw you and sleep over on Thursday; Saturday you are driving me home; perhaps i expect too much; perhaps we never did talk about our plans; i thought i could sleep over more; but it did not work out that way; you said what am i thinking; being my usual self i reply i am not thinking about anything; afraid you might see thru me; appreciation and recognition; that two things kept bothering me; got me all emotional; it feels naturally we got physical; we spoke of closure; justice; forgiveness; revenge; in the end; whatever that you need i hope you have received it and bring peace to you; it was a nice weekend; you have met them; quietly and awkwardly; you have been half acknowledged; it does not matter; as long as we acknowledge each other; we even talk about our plan; getting married; as if that is a soft goal; i found that funny; we itemize it as a box to be checked; i refuse to think that is a good idea; we have different definition about things; i have accepted it as you are; we had a nice dinner; in the end i am not even upset which i normally would; you have a way to melt away my hard feelings leaving me soft and fluffy; you always complement my sparkling eyes and you told me that i am precious to you; that you always thank me on things; i guess i got it from you; that is all that matters and that is all i want. You. 

Stop acting so small. You are the universe in ecstatic motion.

"the bed is empty without you. good night."

But part of surviving is being able to move on.

You had a wonderful time organised a dance session. I joined in to watch. As an audience. Got to know new people. Still think this is not for me. Deep down I know although I am still open to give it a try. I do not want to rush this. you said thank you a lot. you kept asking people to drink. i just want to see you dance. i just want to make you happy. i am not drinking so i can drive you there. We spent the whole long weekend together. This was the first time I sleep over two nights in a row. we did not have any argument this long weekend. You said things that surprised me. You miss me. When we sat on the sofa. You said miss is the wrong word. The feeling is so strong. I have to admit. i feel it too. i also feel the disconnection whenever we are apart. i just hope that i can tel you more. I often urge you to say something new to me. You only change a word or two. You are not the expressive type. I understand. You had a hang over. Still you accompany me to the viewing. Then we went to the mall together like how couple normally do. i feel safe. Homely. And normal with you. i have no reason to rush. i feel really comfortable. we are not hesitate and not even feel reluctantly when we talk about the future. you want to go far away again. with me. we should plan. after our short trip where both of us feel there should not be any hiccup. I feel this can go on for a long time. For some odd reasons. 

A person who longs to leave the place where he lives is an unhappy person.

you let me get away with so many things; i could get used to the idea; you keep on saying that i am beautiful; i still enjoy so much time with you; even though i just saw you last night; i wish i can be with you every night; both you and i wanted to go back to that place to have coffee and ciggie; we are so on the same page; i love you; i can't tell you when i am with you; but i have no shame to tell it to you here. 

It’s all too much and not enough at the same time.

with you; everything feel brand new; i try my best to tell you how i feel and share; random meet up during your dance night; we danced to a 2 beat; for one song; quietly sat there; drinking and smoking; you smoke a lot; you were in the mood; during the whole night we did not even talked a lot; you would've stayed even longer; we have small miscommunication; it was a new experience to me until i get used to this; we went for supper; i was very well prepared; i sleep over; i was tired and sleep really quickly; we did not even get intimate; that was not the point; that was not the only point; i feel close; at ease and homely with you; all the time; which really amazed me; it was my surprise day off; i got a lot done; you made fun of my frozen un-fresh pasta sauce; you like the smell of cigarette smoke in the kitchen after i left; you are weird; i told you so; you made me morning coffee as usual; "finish your water"; you gently ask me; i wonder if everyone around you growing up speaking so gently and soft; i feel like i can listen to you say that forever; i wonder how long i can be with you like this; in my head i am not so sure; but in my heart; i feel you are going to stay on for a very long time; in fact i cant wait to see you again tonight.

I love you enough to rid myself of anything that might trouble you. I will become another person.

we miss each other more than ever; im thrilled with the fact that you came over and was together with me when someone came and view the house; i let you go after breakfast and you went for your dance; we can get enough of each other although i just saw you this morning; when you walk to my door i was happy; i have gotten over the long voice messages; you brought up something else that made me upset; so there's two things this week; i do not want you to stop sharing; maybe we just do not need to share every single thing with each other about how we exactly feel; just as when i am being emotional i may not need to share it with you all that much; i have been doing fine all these while; i feel very attach to you; something unknown that i attracted to; the night ended up with a superb porky dinner; gelato; smoke; beers; drama series; talking; sleeping together until late tomorrow morning; went for a viewing and immediately start to miss each other when we parted; was glad to see you again so soon on Sunday evening; we had beer after dinner; i peel you oranges; talking about life and relationship in general; morning coffee without water and alarm; today will be a good day; i drop you off at the station; you did not answer question about future; i skeptically and pessimistically thinking; is all these too good to be true? 

I don’t have any time to stay up all night worrying about what someone who doesn’t love me has to say about me.

I’m not someone that is really good with words. I try as much as possible to show you how I feel when we are together and yet sometimes I still feel shy on certain things, like last night when you asked me to touch myself for you and then now when I want to tell you how I truly appreciate this newly developed relationship, be it romance or being good friends. As I said, we do how we do as how it fits best for the both of us. I was so happy we can open share it. Even back when the first time we met. The feeling was already mutually strong. You would’ve hold my hand if I were to touch you way back when in that cafe when we first met. You do not even mind me smoking. You want to make a balcony for me. You want to protect me and care for me. I feel no more the emotion disconnection. You said we work as a team. I lean towards the practical side. I like that of you. Very much. You like my black bikini and my jeans shorts. You appreciate me and often tell me I’m beautiful like no one else. We also just naturally talk about kid. You want one. I feel like the both of us still like kids ourselves but I do not feel hesitate to talk about that in front on you. You give me a safe and comfortable space to be myself, to share, to talk and to open up like I never been before. I want to say thank you. thank you for making me run again. thank you for praising me. one thing you do not know about me is that i just need a lot of validation and my lack of self esteem normally takes ages to diminish. i am just so into you although what we had is not as hot af. 

I’m confused. Really confused. And it’s a lot deeper than you think. Deeper… darker… colder.

thank you for making run again; i have very strong desire to be with you; i like how you came over and sit behind me on a chair; i like how you want to remind me about a question that flash by that i have forgot but i wanted to ask; i like how you got panic on a question i have asked you that you have answered soemthing that may or may not have upset me; you remember the question; i pretend i have forgotten; that was how you feel; better than being single; the idea of having a girl field that never sleep over; i am one that constantly do so and you happy that i do; many many small things; in the end i do not mind; you reminded me since a week ago the three points of argument; it did not happen this week; you are glad; i like that you wake and make me coffee; really nice coffee; i have very strong desire to be with you; as you said; we are just click. 

When someone is going through a storm, your silent presence is more powerful than a million, empty words.

first - you felt uncomfortable; end up you didn't go dancing; i thought it's my fault; you said it was not; we manage to go the next night; i enjoyed myself; seeing you doing things that you like; you will be freer without me being there; i had experience it; i  know how it is; from now on; you will be on your own to go dancing; i am no longer sure anymore if two people being together whether having shared interest is really that important; it becomes grey to me; i used to think it is important; maybe because now i think communication is more important; second - about traveling; you confused me with your intention; you said you no longer wan to travel alone; you read something that changes your mind; suddenly you wanted to go for a trip; you plan to do something for the house; because of this soemthing you read you put it behind; i guess it's important to weigh what you have said and process that information and also include me in the conversation along the way; just to avoid confusion; i will be okay whatever you do; because as you are i respect your space and freedom; which i am expecting you to respect mine; how my best friend reminded me about a video; went a watch it to refresh my memory about how guys and girls brains wired totally differently; if science can explain it; then there must be some truth in it; third - about decision making; i can go on; but I'm glad last night; we hold hands and talked it thorough and find each other very compatible in our own way; i even put it bluntly on what the difference between: being physical unattractive; to sexually incompatible; to how she is not a good fuck; to low desire of having sex with her; and to ask you what is a good fuck; all these bluntness that allow me to be myself around you and looking for words that fit in your mouth; i hope i will never ever get tired of this thing. 

Words are alive; cut them and they bleed.

It has been a roller coaster few weeks.

We met again. After so long. Funny though we miss each other even more.

I cry. you ask me not to. I feel sad that you will be going away; as much as i tried to cover it.

Stupid goodbye my lover song came up. Just in time. Although random.

Dinner without satay. Make an excuse for you to come back. more and more and more.