You meet new people for a reason. They're going to be either a blessing or a lesson.

i try to act strong but when the news come, it still hurts.

3.3.2015

i saw you over the weekend;
and then i saw you again because you have a meeting;
i was so happy;
you can see that im happy;
we got very chatty at the Japanese restaurant;
say "please, always say "please";
a lot of things i know but never care;
you have taught me to care;
i thought i never would, again;
i thought we were going to be together;
i guess my reply is too much for you to take;
then i receive a note saying that you needed a break;
finally it came;
im not sure what to say;
im not the pressing type;
i trust you have your own reason;
i trust you may not be ready;
i trust maybe i am not the one;

you still call me and talk to me about her;
i dont know what to say;
i am feeling sad at the moment that we parted;
the rest of things dont seem to matter anymore;

too many things too many thoughts too little time;
im letting it be;
im letting it go;
for now.


please be very well, i want you to be well.

The manner in which it is given is worth more than the gift.

a year ago, i used to think we have not enough memories of each other to go on to stay together; 

now that you left all i think about is you.

Being defeated is often only a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.

i want to add value in your life;

i want us to be together;

i dont know how?

Any person capable of angering you becomes your master; he can anger you only when you permit yourself to be disturbed by him.

9 Feb 2015

4:15am

35 secs

you call to say you miss me

i know then that

i love you.

Let us read and let us dance - two amusements that will never do any harm to the world.

In life, 已经有太多事是我们不能就决定的，所以如果这是你所能够决定的，就决定它吧。

Don't let the fear of losing be greater than the excitement of winning.

let me start over.

Hi.

im 37 this year. single. independent. vulnerable. typical Scorpio. used to be quick and hot tempered; actually still quick and hot tempered. long to love and be loved which seem to be something that we may aspire to but can never attain.

i admire kindness in people, the one thing that can never go wrong.

Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.

Hi.

it has been years i live in solitary, not in terms of physically but deep inside. i know i have family, handful of friends and colleagues, that doesn't mean i am not lonely. i feel nervous when i am around people, i hate small talk, i enjoy my time being alone, i only talk about my problems with that few close friends/ colleagues, really, not even my family, i actually don't know what worse. Even then, i am not exactly looking for advice, more like want to have listeners and for them to be supportive, also to hang around with those who let me be me, appreciate who i am, that is enough for me.

as much as i have a dream to have a relationship, to build a home, to have a family, i never really been appreciated in all my relationships, that's why i am so surprise when someone care for me, love me and be here for me, not walking away and make me not walk away. i am also scare because im afraid i might fail you, disappoint you.

as harsh and tense as it sometimes gets between us, composure and equanimity are not in my dictionary. i slowly learn that we need to be open about things unselfishly and communicate effectively/ calmly to make it work. I want to become a good person for this relationship. i don't want to be angry, upset and do stupid things all the time.

I also know that you too have been living all these while by yourself, fully capable of living your own life despite the loneliness. You may not have the desire to let me take care of you and you tend to communicate very little of your daily life, where you are, what you doing because there's really no reason to tell anybody that, maybe even if now you do have a reason, then again your daily routine is as such and old habit dies hard, so you sticking to your life as is. i know this much, if i also not writing, stop sharing, our communication will halt, as it is long distance already sucks. i miss you calling, just chit chatting about nothing. i guess you are busy with your on going business in Italy, your work, your publication and you in need of some space and "me time", i understand.

technology helps to bring people closer and yet sometimes it seems to drive people apart when we use it the wrong way.

i am the type of person the more you treat me well, the more i will treat you well too; just exactly like how you want me to talk a lot more in order for you to talk. if i have been treated the hard way, i will be harsh and rude in return, if i have been treated real well, i will be happy, loving and more caring, etc.

if now we are going to develop a relationship, we both have to accept the fact that things are changing (hopefully in a good way :)) with a new person inside our life, to make it work, we have to somehow adapt and welcome that new person in a way that we hope how we would like to be treated. no one wants to feel unwelcome and constantly fear of conflict.

As for the question "can you help me?" - im sorry i cant be your cure for your depression and any of your painful past, i just hope i can at least make these days a little bit bearable or at least passable, but if i cant even achieve that, i can only apologize once more and wonder what do i exactly bring to the table if its not keeping this relationship going until now? to be your friend? to keep hoping that we will eventually figure things out between us? to just be here?

Maybe the correct question would be: "can we help each other?" "how can we meet half way?"


i don't know if all of this make sense.


oh well, for tonight, i had a nice Chinese dinner out with the two ex colleagues, we had big prawns, fried noodle, nice veggies and dessert, my stomach is so full it feels bloated. the two  - one is my ex boss, Melissa, another one is Mun Wune, whom i have always kept in touch for more than 15 years now. we finished a bottle of red wine and Melissa bought us this belated birthday dinner (Mun Wune birthday is one day before me). we shared little gossip and i am very selective about what to say, so they don't know about you. they are not that kind of "close" friends. Melissa knows a little bit about wine, so i bought a white wine for Dorothy birthday as her present with her recommendation.

anyway, i finished the book "A stone boat", even in Italy i was reading it, finally done with it last night, i will start a new book, gonna read a bit then call it a night.

good night. please know that i am here and care for you. tomorrow will be another slow day for me at work.

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.

Hi,

i re read this email of yours again and again.

yes, you mention a lot of "me" , can see that still heading to a very selfish direction, who doesnt, right? even im selfish to be honest. you also looking for someone to inspire you.

to me, in these troubled times, i will need someone more than ever, knowing someone are being there, not for me to lean on selfishly, but to know that they are there, no matter what, they dont even need to say a lot, but just being there, you know?

i plan to sort out my property, dateline is useless for fool and my ex is not moving anywhere, that leaves her wife and I doing all the talking, but if he doesnt man up and do things, unless i hire someone to ugly things up, to splash paint in his house, or something, anything to provoke (i dont know, i never do such gangster thing before, maybe it will provoke him, or maybe it will worsen things up and then he decided to hate me forever and not going to sign anything at all forever and ever). i received SMS from his wife, long winded talking about  she has done her best and her husband is not moving to solve the problem, etc. ive asked my lawyer to send out another reminder again.

i leave you to sort out whatever you need to sort out.

A happy life is one which is in accordance with its own nature.

i dont know what is the mess. we dont get to talk.

all i know is we dont build enough memories and experience for us. all we have is all these unsatisfying bit and pieces. we look at it and we think we dont need all this. at times, it is not even enough to go on. we dont have a reason. if we dont need each other and if we dont love each other, why are we doing what we doing? why are we here if we cant even make each other happy?

this is wearing us out and we dont have a reason for it.

Intention. Abandon.

i just feel you need a lot, a lot of time by yourself and im being here makes no difference to your life but just another burden.

i appreciate your good intention of not abandoning me but i also dont know what to do.

so then what is your intention with me?

Happiness is mostly a by-product of doing what makes us feel fulfilled.

pretty sure thats enough to get us somewhere.

------------

I'm full time stupid, part time serious.

Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.

You know if things don't work between us the rest just doesn't matter.

If you notice I rarely worry about a job, settle down with you, starting anew and such, because I know as long as I have your support in a new place, I can work things out together with you, know new friend, learn new skill, money of course is important, but I can't expect myself to make much right away.

I'm more worry about 'us', are we going to make it? Will we make it? That's my question , I do t know about you.

Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.

it has been years i live in solitary, not in terms of physically but deep inside. i know i have family, handful of friends and colleagues, that doesn't mean i am not lonely. i feel nervous when i am around people, i hate small talk, i enjoy my time being alone, i only talk about my problems with that few close friends/ colleagues, really, not even my family, i actually don't know what worse. Even then, i am not exactly looking for advice, more like want to have listeners and for them to be supportive, also to hang around with those who let me be me, appreciate who i am, that is enough for me.

as much as i have a dream to have a relationship, to build a home, to have a family, i never really been appreciated in all my relationships, that's why i am so surprise when someone care for me, love me and be here for me, not walking away and make me not walk away. i am also scare because im afraid i might fail you, disappoint you.

as harsh and tense as it sometimes gets between us, composure and equanimity are not in my dictionary. i slowly learn that we need to be open about things unselfishly and communicate effectively/ calmly to make it work. I want to become a good person for this relationship. i don't want to be angry, upset and do stupid things all the time.

I also know that you too have been living all these while by yourself, fully capable of living your own life despite the loneliness. You may not have the desire to let me take care of you and you tend to communicate very little of your daily life, where you are, what you doing because there's really no reason to tell anybody that, maybe even if now you do have a reason, then again your daily routine is as such and old habit dies hard, so you sticking to your life as is. i know this much, if i also not writing, stop sharing, our communication will halt, as it is long distance already sucks. i miss you calling, just chit chatting about nothing. i guess you are busy with your on going business in Italy, your work, your publication and you in need of some space and "me time", i understand.

technology helps to bring people closer and yet sometimes it seems to drive people apart when we use it the wrong way.

i am the type of person the more you treat me well, the more i will treat you well too; just exactly like how you want me to talk a lot more in order for you to talk. if i have been treated the hard way, i will be harsh and rude in return, if i have been treated real well, i will be happy, loving and more caring, etc.

if now we are going to develop a relationship, we both have to accept the fact that things are changing (hopefully in a good way :)) with a new person inside our life, to make it work, we have to somehow adapt and welcome that new person in a way that we hope how we would like to be treated. no one wants to feel unwelcome and constantly fear of conflict.

As for the question "can you help me?" - im sorry i cant be your cure for your depression and any of your painful past, i just hope i can at least make these days a little bit bearable or at least passable, but if i cant even achieve that, i can only apologize once more and wonder what do i exactly bring to the table if its not keeping this relationship going until now? to be your friend? to keep hoping that we will eventually figure things out between us? to just be here?

Maybe the correct question would be: "can we help each other?" "how can we meet half way?"


i don't know if all of this make sense.

Great things are done by a series of small things brought together

Hi,

thank you for writing, in a way, your mail to me seems like you throw everything at someone, you are telling them that you are such and such person, i am like this-  "I'm angry, sad, and, to be honest, very selfish. As such I'm quite useless and you dont have to deal with me, unless you want to"

it may sounds like you are being fair and giving people a choice but you are not.

then again who am i to say what kind of person you are, you are not here for my cheap advice anyway - you show me that pretty clearly last night over the phone.

you too, have the right to walk away, not letting me deal with you, if you don't want to. everyone has the power to choose and make their own decision. decide who you let in, decide who will hurt you, decide what you can do, that's what life is all about. no one can hurt you unless you let them to, also nothing will change unless you start to.

If you just need someone to just nod whenever you say things, to just say yes and follow whenever you do something, to just take things as it is, to just put up with your shit and expect no effort from you, and that you are such a selfish person and don't expect you to change. i am not that kind of person.

i can share with you quote after quote, saying after saying and hoping that there's some positivity comes out of it. i was once optimistic, i don't think the sun shining out from my backside and that i can make everyone happy, but at least i tried, then if nothing happens, i question myself is it me, and then once i realise it is not even my problem, surely i would have noticed and finally come to my senses that, in this case, there is really nothing much i can do anymore. unless there is something that i don't know and that you need to tell me.

i know i cannot change anybody (and trust me, i dont want to change anybody), but the very least i hope one can sooner or later realise in life, no one like a selfish person coz life is all about give and take, the joy is in the "give", if they can take is a bonus - thats why we are human being, just being human and i am no way near perfect.

i really dont know what else i can say anymore, imagine you are in my position and you are dealing with someone like yourself, how would you handle him? what would you do?

it is a long road, it may take a while and yes it is ok, we can be friends, im just here and life goes on. sooner or later we have to decide what are we going to do. sooner or later and you of all people should know it so.

yes this may not be a mail you expecting, but i rather write you this than write you something that i am not.

take care and be well. life is long and hard, long and hard.


"The real things haven’t changed. It is still best to be honest and truthful; to make the most of what we have; to be happy with simple pleasures; and have courage when things go wrong." Laura Ingalls Wilder


"We’re all fucked and I accept that—but I wake up in the morning and just work harder and harder against that reality—what else is there to do?" - Yvon Chouinard

There are two ways of exerting one's strength: one is pushing down, the other is pulling up.

Can't live with you, but I die without.........

Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

"do you miss me sometimes?", you asked;

i wish not to pity and sympathize you;

but that moment i realize you are a poor poor man.

You can find on the outside only what you possess on the inside.

Thank you for your apology SMS.

What is our fears that we share together?

let me share mine.

My fear is we are always in this circle, no matter how hard we try, we end up pissing up each other, using too much energy to argue which gets us no where.

I don't know how to put it in a way that you will take it as I am not preaching or teaching you how to live or what to do. All I'm trying to say is I can't live a life where I am afraid every 5 seconds worrying what you are going to say, what old stuff you are going to bring up to punish me and that you are constantly thinking of what to say to get me back, judging me, it will eventually drain us. We will get tired of each other.

W, I'm not someone that remembers everything, even with our fiercest argument, I'll probably apologize (even with a black face) and sincerely move on, not bringing it up evert time , taking it as a lesson learnt, by not repeating the same mistake.

If we are together, normally we just hug it out. Hugging seems to solve things a lot, but it can only solve so much, we have to genuinely admit our mistakes, mean what we say and REALLY move on.

I'm not lecturing you, this is my way to do it and I would tell you whether you accept or do it or not it's entirely up to you. If our ways are very conflicting with each other, we will not last, not in the long run.

At the end of the day, when we find out we have more and more dissimilarities, that is also the time we reconsider if we want to be together.

Sometime I feel very very hopeful for us, sometimes I don't, it's really fluctuates. that's the truth and that's the fear.

My hope is that we can live with each other. In between that and now, we have a lot of REAL talking to do. For now I can only tell you my daily life as how exactly as it right now, everyday.

Until then. 

It's time to start living the life you've imagined.

I love you. Please come and build a home with me. He said. 

If success is not on your own terms - if it looks good to the world but does not feel good in your own heart - it is no success at all.

you say that:-

1. i am patient with you

2. i am right

3. i dont bullshit you


im happy.