Had I told the sea what I felt for you, it would have left its shores, its shells, its fish, and followed me.

we made passionate love every night; even when we are sad; even when i say this could possibly be the last time; your positive thoughts and enthusiasm move me; i hold you as if this will be the last time; you always treat me as if this is the first; the total different outlook we are holding on for certain things; get us talking; debate; not to the extend to argue; 5 days is just not long enough; i do notice our differences; the one that we are still willing to compromise; to accept us as we are; i only sleepless on the very last night; because i was thinking i am not going to see you anymore; even when you insist; even if you want to; i dont want to be your burden; your challenge; because i know that is just simply plain wrong.

Some are born to sweet delight, some are born to endless night.

Everything will sounds like an excuse now.

I don't want to say it's ok, coz it's not, i dont want to be so clingy and needy.

I don't know if u understand.

I’m sorry for my inability to let unimportant things go.

It was incredible... You said im the second woman in your life that you would married. But i know this is impossible and yet I still fall so deep and hard for you. For your honesty. For your love. Despite the difficulty. I want to keep seeing you. If i say i want to turn and walk away and this is the last time and that i making you say this is the last time... I was actually lying.

please dont believe that and just hold me once more, just once more, even if its really the last time.

What a terrible mistake to let go of something wonderful for something real.

Im sorry for being so pessimistic, I'm just not very very positive about us, im thinking when you can even spare a minute or two for me. Then what else is there?

Fall in love with someone who’s comfortable with your silence. Find someone who doesn’t need your words to know it’s time to kiss you.

Promise me. Only make promises that you can keep.

That’s how you know you love someone, I guess, when you can’t experience anything without wishing the other person were there to see it, too.

i wish all my brain power will reserve it memory to remember this beautiful holiday all my life; 5 days 4 nights fly thru as it nothing happens; it's too too short; i was speechless and shock with all the unexpected surprises; thinking that we will be bored with each other very soon, but what a joke; your friend; the awkward airport encounter; the ride; the drive; how quick you move; how relax you can be; how quickly you fell asleep during our first night; without kiss good night; the Riesling champagne; your gentle touch and kisses; the way you look at me; the way you make me feel beautiful; the sex in the beach; in the pool; the way you finger me; the way you tenderly make me wet with only your fingers; sunset; moped; the way i hug you from behind the motorcycle; the way you hold me too; the way you trust me; my stubborn way to do it on my own; the joke inside water; the 4 islands; the snorkeling; the emerald cave; holding your hands under the water; all the teasing; the old town; the other side of town; whole day of hot sunny riding; the similar thinking we shared about  places to visit and go; rarely conflict; the hair dresser random act of kindness; we accommodating each other as much as we can so we do not spoil the fun; sweat; sun; tanned; pool; swim; sea; walk; fine dining restaurant; the little black dress; the heels that i brought; ubongo game; liking each other in our own little world; red lipstick; converse; jeans; shirt; beach; couch; one hour earlier; the anxiousness; airport; queue; luggage; music; breakfast day after day the same thing; thai food; cocktails; beers; yoga (almost); massage; make sex music; youth; book that we didn't get to read; music that we didn't get to hear; me being neurotic; chasing after check in time;  transit; 8 hours long; taxi ride; rain; shock; forgetful; ipod; kindle; messing with you for my ipod; all the hearts that i folded; and you picked a breakfast date; i owe you that; always a back door someway; somehow; you also say; stay with me; someway; somehow; i dont know what to do; i sent you home; i picked you up; all this; how can i ever forget; ever; i hate you more than ever now because you are building up memories whether i want it or not; deliberately or not deliberately.

i fucking hate you and i fucking love you; all at the very same time exact same time.

will you please love me too?

Yes, be patient with me. My heart is heavy.

I write you, like how i normally do, we see us again tonight, i pretend that you may have forgotten about the whole thing, you were excited and suggested to sleep over my place for the very first time, u like the idea, so did i, i prepared for you toothbrush, we had beer, the next morning a nice breakfast, we talked the whole night long, i repeat what i have wrote to you in a clearer manner, because i want answer and i got them, u wanted to finally let go what you are supposed to let go long time ago, you said the last time you two both was a month ago, she is selfish, maybe you are too, but who isn't? Even i do. You talked about caring of a child that the mother you don't care about, the possibility of your child illness lies in you, it reminds me of someone i hated, someone i thought I once loved, someone i thought i could never forgive, but i love you and i forgive you, i guess that's what eight years long relationship does to people, it allows people like us to accept people like us.

I’m sorry because you shouldn’t have to be everything to me. I had you, but I’d forgotten that I had myself too. It’s a new feeling, something I’m getting used to.

i was walking out from my brother's place; my phone was on silent; i saw it rang; i picked up and a date was set; another gig; i have not been to one for a while now; wrong exit; endless apologizing; RM20 parking; RM20 dessert; ended the night late; the unsettling emotion kicked in; sat in my car; in wee hours; we talked about things; that have been long bothering you and i; yet will never have a solution; me and you; you and her; you and another her; me and him; you said you love me; that i am part of you now; how often you feel something is missing without me being around; i have became something of important; little little things; spider web of relationships tangling; how can i not acknowledge it; how can i pretend to ignore it; the simple fact that i cant; while happy to be with you; while my heart will never say no; to anything you have asked for; in return i never ask for anything; the question of default or design; why does it matter; i will only do this if you are my someone; because a sense of belonging; i hate to drift; i dont want to feel like that i dont belong to anyone; i want to belong to you; i desperately want to.

I’m still writing about you and you haven’t read a word

Sometimes i think i have felt everything i'm ever gonna feel.

And from here on out, i'm not gonna feel anything new.

Just lesser versions of what i've already felt.

Don’t lose a woman that has seen your flaws and still loves you.

we found time to see us again; for one hour; ok; technically 45 minutes; before you board the plane tonight; i reach slightly earlier and i was standing inside the cafe; saw you taking photo with your phone; wanted to send it to me; you look like a kid; a cute kid that i helplessly fall into; i wanted to give you something of mine for you to bring it back to me ; i closed your eyes ; you reacted strongly ; i was smiling ; you guessed it right ; i hope you take care of it; and a little heart note that you missed ; i hope she will never find ; i know you dont want to become one of those bitter emotionless loveless old man; but you wont; at least with me you are not emotionless; if anything you are giving me too much attention and you are doing it right; i talked about the cultural differences; my parents; how they not showing love; not the way i wanted to; you being parents; a good one; we talk about life too; how we should seize the moment; i dont care so much of living long i guess; it's the depth of it; not the length of it that actually matter; to me; of this life; at least of my life anyway; sometimes we talked but hardly things are ever easy to just let go; it is easy when you say it; it is easy when it is not you; but this is not; this is us but not only us. 

I am figuring out which parts of my personality are mine and which ones I created to please you.

I am glad we see us before you leave for long; just two weeks; but still long; before our holiday begins; you brought again gift and ruler; to make sure of something; U did; I won; bloody 148; i think i am going to tattoo that number; forever inked; still somehow no trust; we had a brief chat about our day; about being good at work; the feeling of being recognized and appreciated; i know we don't have much time; I even set the alarm to 2030; but u leave even earlier than that; i asked if you want to check your phone; then you told me about your family gathering; i was agitated; i know your desire to meet; but if i have turn it into your priority; it creates bad conscious for me; no matter how good it feels; i will always feel i am stealing you away from what you supposed to do and be; sometimes truth may hurt and you tend not to make thing difficult but i rather you did and just tell me the truth; tell me straight that you only have one hour with me; of course i will say let's not meet; then you will insist; you really know me a bit too well to kept that hidden from me; the truth; anyway i am a big girl; i will figure it out and deal with it rather than just know that u come here for short while and leave like how I quote it as an example because you are right you want to know your worth and that you're worth it at the end of a long serving years like you other colleagues; by the time you reach their agel what would you do; where would you be; its a big quesiton mark; even for me; it is difficult to answer; but you will never have that kind of thought to shake status quo; because you don't have to and with her you said i am not the problem; then i dont know what is anymore.

I’m not used to being loved. I wouldn’t know what to do.

We didn't see each other for a week; it seems so long; feeling is still so strong ; i no longer feel comfortable at your place; so you came to mine; i fell asleep ; you brought me bunny and champagne; surprise me with door bell; you said you would text; you didn't ; i had class the next day so we didn't get to have breakfast but we made love whole night instead ; miss you so very much; you slept well; we didn't chat much; too busy holding on to each other; i always wee bit of shy and still anxiously long for you; you sent me another surprise after you drop your kid; such passionate encounter ; how could i possibly ever let you go ; you made it so so hard; i was taken aback but still like your sudden presence ; your gentle gesture by closing the door; lowing off the tea candle; switch off the light guessing which switch it was; we talk about swimming, our trip, books; how to get sick and get rid of each other; we will run out of things to say soon; because we dont have anything mundane and boring to talk about; I really fall head over heels for you; I hope you know that; but actually on the contrary - I HOPE YOU DO NOT KNOW THAT, NOT AT ALL.

You can look at a painting for a whole week and then never think about it again. You can also look at a painting for a second and think about it for the rest of your life.

i just really wanted to see you and have a quiet dinner; we dont have to talk all the time; we dont have to pull everything out of the thin air and talk about it; sometimes even silence i enjoy; i spoke a little bit about my work; just one line mentioning about a project that im working on and then all of the sudden you went all philosophical on me; i know at that moment i couldn't stay with you tonight; that was such a turn off; i know you have many thoughts; so what? sometimes all we need is just some quiet time; someone to listen; hold your hand and tell you; take it easy; everything; i mean literally everything will be just fine; even though we are living a hamster life; really; i mean it.. 

Love is needing someone. Love is putting up with someone’s bad qualities because they somehow complete you.

finally i showed you my home; you are very proud of me; can i come and sleep here sometimes?; if you want; i replied; you scan around my place and said you like it; you spotted a book old man in love; you asked what is that about i said it is exactly about what the title says is all about; you smile; is that me? i didn't say; i am me; i am not everyone else; which means i get to do this with you where the rest do not; i understand; is the feeling subsiding? you said you sometimes has a vague memory of one of our photos; you even tell me my expression looks the same; people dont change so much; i guess; even after a long time; you are so proud of me; walking from 28 to 38; that is a long time; and why cant we be together; it's all too late now; you feel agitated and restless if you dont see me for a week; you thought i am seeing that guy; but what you didn't know is there's never a guy; there is only you; i secretly feel happy; but i dont want to reveal the truth; if you didn't follow me back tonight; insisting; i dont know when will i show you my place; funny how you thought if you let me go alone i will never come back; i will give you excuse; but the truth is i wont; i really wont; i will always come back; always and that you are right; you are you; you are not everybody else.

When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.

you told me time and time again that you like me; i think that is all; once you move away; we will know for sure. 

Only the brave and the broken are kind in this world.

i am still concern; about you and her; you told me all about it; but it's no big problem; it's an universal problem for all couple; im not worry; maybe i not that influential enough; but i do want you to stop and then i want to have you again; with me you always want to be the best; you said you dont see any other girl other than me; you said you are in love with me more than anyone else; you said one week not seeing me is too much; you like the way we are together in this very secretive way; i always long for you; always; you said i underestimate myself too much; if i say i am no good then why would you pick me at the first place; it makes sense; anyway, i just let you talk away; about expectation; about not asking someone to change; about love; about loving enough; about different phases in love and life; you say you have to have me and you need to see me and then you needed all this; but to me you only need it  if you make yourself need it; otherwise i am just another passing by; surely; just try a little tenderness and you will see; anyway; time is always too short for us; too damn short.

You can destroy your now by worrying about tomorrow.

he walked out; but another him walks in; i guess what i did not tell you is; i never really stop looking; not at all. 

The ability to sit down with another person and talk for hours, about anything and everything, is more attractive to me than anything else.

The worst part is i know i can deliver, i just don't want to deliver it for you.

You are so brave and quiet I forget you are suffering.

i was doing my dissertation at home; we were texting; i thought you were working far away in KL; in your office; you totally took me by surprise; right until i saw you park and walk into that Starbucks; i couldn't believe my eyes; it feels so unreal; there and then i had you in my arms; still in shock; you said you thought about it for days to give me a surprise; maybe drop something at my front door; thinking about the best gift; something not too big or small; or afraid someone may take it away; all the things that i would also rather you didn't do; but you are right here in front of me; 4 hours drive in total; i said you are silly but deep down i am happy; how can i not be; i was telling you this surprise will be so hard to beat; but let's not make this whole surprise thing into a competition; must you win? until now im biased though; i still like you so much; i brought you to another place as Starbucks was just too crowded; i was speechless and shock; just too happy to see you; you said you couldn't wait for any longer; not seeing each other for two weeks is just long; that you thought i might forget you; that's kind of impossible at this point; we promised we will see each other once we get back to the city from both our trip; that is a two weeks gap; it is too long; but i will never say it; i'm weak and too vulnerable to admit my love for you; who am i to you; i am still afraid; you were telling me about quarrel between your wife and you which i take it is normal for couple, especially a 25 year old couple and that there was this article you read about how to handle expectation; you did it gently; you said you did it right; in the end your partner must know it too; otherwise i guess expectation will just be overflow; because what i hear you say is from her side there will always be this unsatisfied expectation; maybe when we are together for 25 years the same thing will happen to us; i hope if the time comes i will still tell you gently what i want you to do for  me without having you to guess what is on my mind; we want us to always constantly tell each other things; always; i showed you my family photo and was telling you while it looks like a big happy family on the outside, on the inside it is slowly broken into small bit and pieces; in the end the value we hold will forever be different and i am just happily agree to disagree with you; you always say you wont push me to share if i want to; somehow whenever you said that i want to tell you more; simply because i really want to; i reluctant to do so maybe just because the more i tell you the more you are going to know me the harder it is for me to let go in the end; like how the book end : Holden’s final statement—“Don’t tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody”; here i am telling you all these stories and in the end makes me miss you more and more; i begin to; i really do and i begin to love you too; i hope that is a good thing; really really good thing. 

There are all kinds of love in the world, but never the same love twice.

you reschedule our Starbucks date because you have company function; i understand it and make it easy for you to maneuver; i want you to love me for it; fall for me deeper for it; we decided to meet again and i make time for you; so that we were able to be together longer; a little traffic jam; you arrived still on time; you brought muesli, sandwich, coffee, the usual, plus a little surprise that we often talk about; marshmallow; i wish i could keep you; i cant help to feel there's always a kind of sadness in the air between us; we listening to our music and you compliment it that i have good taste; we had grape, playing; sharing; eating nuts in bed; then you insisted to get up and get me muesli because you say you wanted to; i enjoy the sandwich you bring and you say you like me for that; you always type the word in full and i use abbreviation; we talking about concert; random things; Valentine's Day; being vulnerable; acceptance; rejection; you had a way to say thing that i will never get mad with you; maybe i am bias; maybe when we are together long enough i will start to feel annoy with you; but at this moment i feel none of that; absolutely zero; i ask about your new move; you are this guy that always seek security; hardly change or shake the status quo; because things are often good enough for you; nevertheless still wee bit of insecurity; wanting to demand but chose not to; i feel you are entitle to; but if you feel that you are doing the right thing; i will not ask more and i will give you my full support; you also want to feel you have a place in the society; a somebody; people who look up to you; admire you; like you; i couldn't care less; maybe i do but just with people i close to or in love with; i love you; i fall for you so deep and i dont know which direction i am heading and maybe there is no direction; you will never be mine; i can always hope we continue to meet each other until we dont; until whatever happens; until we really need to say goodbye; you mention him again; for no reason; but somehow he is in your head; i told you i am over him; i told you all what he told me; that all was bullshit and a waste of my time; you told me i did the right thing; you also said as long as i still have emotion it will be hard; it will take time but this too shall pass; i know it; this time is different; this time i am so over it; but somehow with you; it is just always so intense that i am so into you; so much; so deep; so hurtful; so unreal; but it also so so good. i love you, always and always; thank you for making my day once more and i like how you used a bigger mug simply because the mug could fit 3 cups of coffee and that i wanted to drink more; to me these little things count; so count.

I do not think I’m easy to define. I have a wandering mind. And I’m not anything that you think I am.

i do not know is it because i am not living with you for 25 years and that i do not need to figure out how to pay bills; and that i do not need to talk to you about which diaper to buy; which school our kids should go to; what kind of thing we should stock up; which travel destination should we pick; our kids problem; the house problem; the money problem; what house we should build; what stuff we should get; which restaurant we should go; if we need to deal with each other asking all that questions 24-7 and times that to double triple fold like way beyond our imagination; will we still be happy together and have good sex and talk as good as we are now; what if reality kicks in; what then; i thought about it; i do love you now; but when will love ever be enough, when?

but what i know it; i really really love you now; even if its hurt. 

I’ve always had a terrible weakness for beautiful but sad things.

i dont know why it is just so easy to be with you; maybe its because we know each other too short; maybe simply because we are still too nice to each other; it could be; its possible; but feeling is feeling right? you cant deny; i met him yesterday; we still threading carefully in each other world; you were not asking about him at all; not until i was ready to share it with you; you feel obligated to text me because you know i am seeing him; and you say i should tell you if i feel like telling you not because i am thinking of you hence doing it for you; but you should know if anything that i do is because i want you to know; simply that; besides the meeting was totally unfruitful and i was quite clear about my feeling to move on; i somehow feel pity and sympathetic towards him and i thought i will have one last shot in life to make something happen; clearly that should not be my reason; and i have so clear a feeling for you and that i can not help to compare you both; when i make it sounds like a task, job, chore without any passion and emotion in it; im pretty much screw; then again you ask me to date guys around here; it's easy for you when you are the one who's married; i told you i  know someone who is nice and that is you but you married and that makes me sad; you said you would  married me; at least you will thought about it and that you ask me if i am willing to go there with you; i told you i would; it's the circumstances; but i know you love her; i have nothing more to say; i dont want to compare anymore; not in that way; i dont know what is worse; a guy that cant offer me a commitment or a guy that can offer but cant deliver; both suck in a big way; big big way; anyway in the end it will be my decision; you said that you will only stop because i dont want to; it will be be because you do want to; you touch me in so many ways that you may never know; with that i say thank you. 

You can destroy your now by worrying about tomorrow.

I just have to accept the fact that people you love may not be the people you are together with, and that your life goes on, that you would have to lie to yourself for the rest of your life because life does go on and you have to do what you need to, build a family, have kids, like ordinary folks and then put your love story behind. 

I can’t afford to hate anyone. I don’t have that kind of time.

For five hours.  None of us utter a word of commitment to each other at all. None. Zero. This clearly means something. The final draw was when you say we sleeping with each  other doesnt mean that we are back together, that was like a totally wtf moment. i give up, completely. i was utterly speechless. 

I’ll walk forever with stories inside me that the people I love the most can never hear.

so we see each other again; albeit short; we wanted to as you also were thinking about the same thing when can we meet again; it is better than nothing; that you always reply; sometimes i prefer to wait; as if i wait long enough that all feelings will fade and you will kind of forget about me; you make me talk about my past; and how i remember when i was a kid that one day my dad carry me to my bed when i fell asleep and how i wish i can have that again; the wish that i could be from a more loving and caring family; and also we talk about my sister; all these things; this is one of the quiet time that we had among of the many sessions that we have been together; too many thoughts flying around in both of our heads; i know that.

i keep you; if i could.

me too; me too.

People inspire you, or they drain you — pick them wisely.

trust me; you said; i start to trust you more and more already; and that is what i am afraid of.

Once in a while, it really hits people that they don’t have to experience life in the way they have been told to.

you make me so happy; even such short lunch; you were there way ahead of me by half an hour; i like the playfulness of yours; although i think you are a serious person; and how the Starbucks staffs were driving you crazy; i like all of it; how we talk about work and some other random stuff; how human behaviour works at time; all so seamless and subtle; you always want to win; i allow you to and dont even mind; i gave you a fine on your windshield; and you knock my car crazily at the stopping traffic light; i really really fall for you and i have no words for that; at least not for now; until the day we need to say goodbye.

If I ever let you down, it’s not because I don’t love you. It’s because I don’t love myself.

You asked me not to worry, not to think about you and worry, but I do worry, its part of me, part of my life and its the price im willing to pay being with you.

you were already gone long time ago.

i see you on Monday, for 4 hours, i was asking you when you have to go, you mentioned 6pm to 7pm, dinner time with family, i just feel so so sad like i have fell into a pool of sadness that i can never get out of, i never know you can feel such strong emotion for someone, i say just go, you say sorry, but who am i to be here into the same game deserving an apology, i dont, you were here early without i even said yes, you said you can wait, eventually the goodbye will come and i will hate you for making me cry so much, it's time to re-discuss and reconsider to end everything now, dont you think? because when you say i can spend five hour with you doing this, in my head i already know the answer; but you dont have 5 hours, although with all the conversation that we had and love that we made.

I just miss you, in a quite simple desperate human way.

it's 10:00am; you helped me pull and tidy up the bedsheet; it's quite all over the place; you had a shower after me; still we are on our bed and have so much things and emotions to share; randomly about religious women; illegally sleeping; snooping around; getting caught; you mentioning we are married or engaged as if everything is real; we tend to compare; i said he is taller than you; then you say some other size measurement; it's not fair; even with race; we cant compare; maybe handwriting; then you said i was using your weakness against you; but i didnt; i thought it was just too cute not to mention it; i cried again feeling sad you are going to leave; you didnt say when because you dont know it yet; soon you say; but why does it matter; as long as this is the price you are willing to pay; that you willing to settle; even there's a possibility there's a better me out there; that's why we settle; that's why we are here now; never ever think twice; as we both tease about each other sexually; that you are a decent man; that i avoid you being vulgar after the session; what are we suppressing about; that you need me and think about me all the time; the word "always" become so strong and i always go against people that say thing and then cant deliver; i hate that; you want me; i ask you not to leave me; i beg you not to go; eventually you have to; i know that; you say you want to bring me there; but i do not want an empty promise; even jokingly; i hate them; you will not leave her; because that is not you; and you are not unhappy; but why is this happening; so im thinking what are we doing here; but i just cant helped it because i fall for you too much and too strong to pull away; when you lick me ever so gently; i totally surrender right there; right there at that exact moment; if everything happen and i rewind it; i see you undress just to get comfortable; we had yogurts on the bed; and how i realise you open the lid of the yogurt for me even though i didnt ask you to when i ready to grab the other one and you told me that one was for me; in my head i was just too myself to actually realise that someone who into you actually will do things for you even without you asking them to; that i know you wanted to; effortlessly willing to; and i want to do the same thing to you because of the energy when im being around you; the love that i always feel when you hold me tight in your arms; we had coffee in the bed and then i see you showing up at my door at 7 o'clock in the morning and you say it;s a tiny mini little bit of surprise; you even tell me that i look good all the time; even though you promise only to come to me at 7.30 am in the morning.......and that really makes my days; it really does.

Nobody likes being alone that much. I don’t go out of my way to make friends, that’s all. It just leads to disappointment.

I didn't say I'm not gonna see you, I just told you that would be the last, little did I know that you miss me, you miss the feeling your chest touching mine and when our legs cross together, touching each other ever so lightly, arousing you, and my tattoo; for three times and I got the forth, you said the more you didn't get it those more you yearn for it and the feeling accumulate, then explode. Isn't it true? So so true. 

Most times, it’s just a lot easier not to let the world know what’s wrong.

this is my own; as we promised to still see each other again; again; and over again.

every kisses that we will be able to leave; every hugs that we will be able to give; every love that we will be able to make; i dont want to miss every single one of them; even though i do not know how many would all that be.

this is me and you and us.

We had everything to say to each other, but no ways to say it.

In my head i always have this invisible line that i dare not cross. A part of me remains logical because i know its dangerous to fall too deep with you, there has to be a back door. It is no one's fault and u hv to remember that. We both sign up for this, together. i just feel so happy that you say you want to lie here with me, do nothing and listen to our favourite music, that's all i need, really. 

She scares the hell out of me and calms my soul at the same time. Maybe that’s what love is—a total contradiction that somehow balances out.

the feeling with you is so real is actually frightening; i start to drown myself in you and hated the fact that one day you will leave and forever you will not be mine; no matter how i yell it out from the top of my lung that i need you, i love you, i long for you, i want to be with you; please stay; dont leave me; you told me about other stories how they can fall for someone where they have already a committed relationship; you used to be in awe; ironically this is what happening now; but i know you are a good man; no matter what in the end you will walk away; leaving me there sitting in the corner; sobbing; crying; regretting all this fantastic moments that we have spent together; the things that feel so wrong but also so damn right; i need you but in actual fact you know you dont; you say thing matter-of-factly because you think this is what you feel right here right now; we met each other; all the wait; an office visit surprise; coffee in the middle of the day; sneak a 30 minutes meet in between meetings; the excitement; staying a night together; bought sushi; beer; listening to our songs; we actually have a song; holding each other; ignoring calls; talk about brand loyalty; simplicity; forcing feeling; how we react because we feel for a person and then react that way without that someone pushing us what to do; feeling that should be natural; i even sickly like it when you say me and him broke up the right time and glad that phone call didnt work out; and you say if you were him single & free of commitment you would know what to do with me doubtlessly; but you are not him;  i fall for you in no way i fall for other; i will forever compare; you and him; or any other guy that i may potentially date; how can i give such love to someone and now i dont know whether i will be able to give this to other; someone as you; you were telling me about her; i'm in denial and do not know what i can do with that information; in front of you i dont mind to lose; im too weak to win; in front of you i am just not so strong headed anymore; i give in; i surrender; for you; to you; even if you dont want me to.


"I’m not just falling in love with you. I’m falling into you. You’re an ocean, and I’m falling in, drowning in the depths of who you are. Like you said, it’s scary in a way, but it’s also the most amazing thing I’ve ever experienced. You are the most amazing thing I’ve ever experienced."
— Jasinda Wilder

It always shocked me when I realized that I wasn’t the only person in the world who thought and felt such strange and awful things.

did you know you still give me the butterfly? and we didn't even see each other; we were just on the phone chatting; making plan for tomorrow; what about her then? dont you want to wake up beside her? wasnt she the one that you love and vowed to love until death do both you apart? i am confuse but i also feel loved; i want to hold on to this feeling until it lasts; until you tell me that you have to go; until i get that confirmation that we no longer be in each other's life; until then; right until then i am willing to carry my sin to hell and be this other woman; standing in between you life and hers that is supposed to be together; which i want this to happen to badly i feel no sense of guilt about it; at all; at all. 

I don’t know, maybe I just wanted to be alone. Maybe I just didn’t want to be social because antisocial people have a whole lot less to lose.

I don't mean i love you differently as in not loving you 100%. It's just that I'm simply fall in love with a married man. That's the short answer.


The long answer would be, the difference is i can't announce my love to you in public, we can't hold hand anywhere we like, i can't introduce you as my boyfriend..... And all the other thing you can think of normal couple can do.

I know i make it sounds sad and negative but it is also the truth because we can't lie to ourselves with this love that we have for each other which we always want more and at the same time with inevitable sadness, also because this is not something right. But we can't stop emotion right? Love is after all love.

But we are in no wrong or right at this, again we are two grown-ups just so happen to meet each other now at this point of our lives and magically developing this relationship.

It's the choice that we make. I read this line the other day: if your relationship has to remain a secret, you should not be in it. At first I feel down, but after that i thought about it, i am feeling such joy together with you which is nothing i feel with anyone ever before, does it matter now if it's a secret? Maybe it will matter later but definitely not right now.

Right now i just want to spend as much time with you as i can.

Am i crazy? Or am i making sense? Or you will agree with me because you are with me and biased with whatever I'm saying? I don't know which is which anymore.

It’s a most distressing affliction to have a sentimental heart and a skeptical mind.

Im glad because only friend will say that kind of thing to you, she said I'm not forgiving to those who close to me, but im really good with my friend, i have to admit, she is right, thats who i am, then she said i should be like my other friend, but wont that makes me not who i am, will it matter? It matters to me, i realise, to be happy, to be now at the moment feeling joy every second and minute i get to spend with him; for now that is basically enough.

You don’t want to let go but don’t want to be hurt, either.

but now we are slowly building so much memories; the two minute late argument; the nervousness of being late; getting me coffee; bringing me things from home; optimistic; pessimistic; im still too shy to do everything for you like cooking; we spent approximately six hours in bed just wildly making love and chit chat; we were not even complaining the lack of food where we both rather just stay in bed all day long; we are still at that stage; where i begin to tell you too much; where i am still try to keep that back door somehow at the back of my head; finally you realizing his existence; that i will meet him at the end of the month; half of the stories; half of what ive been thru; the time we broke up; i didn't say exactly why; i started seeing you while i still sort of dating him; i am this unfaithful person; i would if i could; but if you are that guy; i will not be able to find a reason to sleep around simply because you are being you; i fall head over heels for you; deeply; insatiable; we cant just lie down and listen to songs; we tried; it did not work out; every motion; emotion; sweat; pant; have you in it, everything; i hope you dont share the same fear as i; while you were telling me to stay with you i can't but thinking you still have a home to go back to; while i have no one and i dont want to settle and change just to please him; that wont be me; i would marry a photocopy of you in a heart beat and you said you would at least ask me to live with you; these little talks warm my hear instantly; while we having grape; playing throwing around; you told me more about musical; cult and music you like; slowly into your world; as i did with mine; we dont even need a book full with jokes; or even watch porn together; we are just naturally come up with things to do and say; we fit; i am reluctant to think so; but i do feel so; just in denial mode; because afterall; even if i say i love you; even if i do; so what? what will it bring? what does it all mean? though still with wee bit of reservation; i know time will come and it will hurt; but i want you now; right now and i really dont care much about whatever else; i just care about you now; but i am never brave enough; im so hapy you already making plans with me in March; and that you want to already see me again like this next week; to spend more time together; as for me; im too cautious; too too cautious; way too cautious. 

The thing I’m most afraid of is me. Of not knowing what I’m going to do. Of not knowing what I’m doing right now.

you have changed my perspective on love; commitment; relationship so much within this short spam of time; what i used to think i want to achieve seems to be not that important anymore; when you are in love are you behavior that way because your partner also does the same thing? or you simply just being who you are and want them to like you as much? i cant say for sure and you have blurred that line; i start to get confuse; i know i doing something bad; but this is just so bad and it feels so good and so insatiable. 

Every wall is a door.

you had me again at starbucks; we are sharing more; your wife reaction; the betrayal; the lies; the unsettling feeling that we might get caught; the worrisome nights wondering about how to split time; about being unfair; about responsibilities; about commitment; the wish and desire to see you and spend time with you overpowering all the sad part; i just want to be with you; i need you; that's all it takes; saturday was too short; we already plan for another meeting; i only have time thursday; your mother will be in town; the gap is too long; tuesday lunch; finally we nailed it; such temptation; we texting continuously; we had a great time on a long sofa; lunch and chit chatting as if the world is only the two of us; hoping that time will stop right here right now; i share more; my work; my joy; my excitement; what i heard on the news; further discussion; faking sick leave just to chase every single second that i will be able to spend with you; i like your metaphor of chocolate; we have not enough of it; so additive; you dropped the receipt; the silly game; i dont even care if i lost; it's the joy of playing and fooling around with each other; holding your hands secretly say i love you and thinking that you are mine; we have to ask; otherwise we wont tell; thats what we set up from the beginning; i also realise that; once we are doing this; there is no turning back; how can you even make me a commitment where there is nothing for you to give; how can that be; happiness seems so right; i want here; now; i will demand for more; eventually; and you will soon and finally realise i am just another greedy bastard; uninteresting soul; then in the end; let go of me for good; forever. 

But loving someone, and being loved means so much to me. We always make fun of it and stuff. But isn’t everything we do in life a way to be loved a little more?

That we learn to love again; if there's any take away from this relationship; i hope we take this to whoever next and love them like how i have loved you.

You are a fever I am learning to live with, and everything is happening at the wrong end of a very long tunnel.

it's our 3 months together; i didnt even realise it; i gave you a book that i wanted to give you; i lend you another book and want you to return it then i secretly put music in your thumb-drive so you will accidentally discover it; but you insist to give it to me then i have to tell you about it; now that you telling me you like all the music; that just makes me happy.

And now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.

So this is our final decision ; to keep seeing each other as long as we can ; coz we begin to get sick of this emotional roller coaster bullshit; you told me several reasons ; one, maybe in the end we realize us as a bad match then eventually parted; second, since we will be parting anyway why now, why don't we stick until the end, third i forgot what it was, third one was the possibility in the end something good might work out; which i am sure that will not be the case; because you said the paid is good and the task is interesting; i cried a lot; you did too; this whole thing just making me so sad in the beginning; but we manage to talk about it and have a little laugh; and you also quote your daughter relationship in which to me its a total different thing, but everytime seeing you just confirmed that how much i enjoy seeing you, the emotions you stir up; i didn't give you that letter ; im keeping you; and you told me about your sexual life with your wife and all the lies ; business trip ; early drive ; maybe she already suspect ; i dont know how long we can last; i scare to guess; i dont want to know ; not for now anyway ; anyway; we talked about our first sex, mastubation, affair and househusband; random stuff; we were listening to our songs and I'm glad that you pay more attention to the lyrics; you always been supportive and want to let me know that you care; making it so easy for me to be with you effortlessly; i know you have to go in the end; can you just let me say it anyway; dont go; please dont go; please; you ask me to spend a night with you again soon; i promise you i will; you want more time with me; as i want it with you too ; i know that now; stay with me; u said; i dont want to lose you; please just let me be with you for however long we could have and be. I love you. I do now. 

I know you’ll never love me but maybe you’ll stay for awhile.

You told me about the news; i know it will eventually happen; just didn't expect to be so soon; i feel sad, only sad, there is no other emotion at this point of time; can i say at least i enjoy these three short months moment with you; i can never be with you and own you i know that; yet i want more; i always find way to end it first; simply because the easiest way out will be within my control whenever i want to say so; so i dont need to leave it to time, fate, you or any other thing that is unreliable; I'm selfish; i only trust myself.

I missed you even when I was with you. That’s been my problem. I miss what I already have, and I surround myself with things that are missing.

you gave me a crazy surprise; 6:15am; coffee; you dont need a reason; really you dont; also you have concern; what if i am not alone; but i was; you will be upset if i am dating; but you dont entitle to that because you are married; you will stil be happy to be with me; the aftershock is severe; even the during-shock; i didnt know how to react; it was so good is bad; i really didnt expect; you are the least on my surprise guest list; simply because you have a married life to keep and manage; we spent such a great time together; talking; wondering; discussing; things that you wont tell friend; about affair; about just sitting there 10 minutes without staring at phone or doing something else; just plain being together; even staring each other; enjoying the moment; you say you are my boyfriend and then i stir up and argue you always say that; "always" is critical during an argument; you have to be precise if this is really always; this one word could hurt a relationship; you are right; i also share with you my lousy surprises; then i am now your somehow girlfriend and your are my somehow boyfriend, somehow. i like that; somehow. i do.

later in the day; we still went on our lunch date; because we want to; because however much time we get to spend together we will opt for that; we talked about my long distance relationship; you suspect that i am one that love my space and dont even mind a long distance relationship because i am just used to being alone; again you are right and i wonder how you can see thru me so quickily; we just knew each other for 3 months; you told me your mum is coming to town; i start to think how much time we can spend together; and also how not so deep of a relationship you had with your mum as i am the same with mine; i like how you just want me to give you a ride so that you can spend even a few more minutes together; i sense that; i notice; the three short months i spent with you is far more better than any of the long relationship that i had which never even come close to bring so much joy; such happiness in such a short time; who would have thought?

let's just stay lying to whoever it is so that we can have such such great time, shall we?

And it hurts so much to want something you can’t have.

i like the way how you fold your clothes and you put it outside on the sofa;
i like the way how you actually saw the book and then pretend that you didn't so that you can visit me again the next time;
i like how we both taste the chocolate in our mouth that i say it's disgusting but actually liking it;
i like so many many things with you;
i like you so much and i dont know whether i should do this more or do this less;
pls dont think about it now, you said;
i know for sure that i am going to hell for this;
yet, i want it more;
i just have to do more of it.

You don’t want to let go but don’t want to be hurt, either.

It's incredible how emotion can change in a matter of hours, minutes, or even seconds.

I understand that nobody understands me, but I can’t be someone I’m not.

we head out for dinner; something hold you back at work and we were not able to get sushi for dinner; i dont mind; my past relationship trained me to be more patience; less anxious; try to be calm; we joke and had a good laugh; then we were together again alone; with fantastic jazz music selection; there is line still i dont cross; there's boundaries that i will not push; you say you like me and you need me very much; i wonder why; you still keep on talking about your wife; you mention about being a boyfriend and even a husband; how can that be? i am old enough to not fall for this kind of serious joke; i talk to you about how all my past relationships suck and how i am keeping you from my friend because what is there to tell them when i can not even convince myself we are having a genuine real relationship that we can expose; you want to know i am being myself; i understand that; this is not anyone's fault; this is the choice that we make; that we want to be together at this very exact moment; you said you are keeping surprise for me; i couldn't wait; you share with me songs; you left the book there on the table so you can come back; you never need any excuses anyway; you can always come back; come back; even you always beat me at the nose game.

What I am is enough if I would only be it openly.

do you know how easy it is for you to come back into my life?

you just need to say.


"Should we meet, to make peace? This could help."


i totally surrender;
even though;
i can see myself crying my heart out;
desperately hate you for the rest of my life;
but right here right now this exact moment;
that line was what i wanted to hear;
most importantly;
you said it;
you did.

Love is so short and forgetting is so long.

you said that you love me and that you are pretty sure about it; not one hundred percent; but close enough; always leave a back door; always; so you can leave when i am not looking.

happy new year to you; to me; to us.

i'm glad you asked to meet; we both are shy; we both feel there are some lines that we do not cross;  at least not now; or perhaps never; i was glad i m sharing more with you; little by little; that you are sticking with me; at least for now.

i love you too.