You learn a lot about people when you play games with them.

29.1. 12:15pm. U called in such short notice. I thought u just wanna say bye and send me greetings as usual. U asked to meet. Surprisingly. I agreed to the short lunch meet even with the rush. U thought I only off tomorrow and wanted to call about meet up tonight but you got another appointment and I will head home right after work. Kinda of glad we did this. Then I found out you will be away for 3 weeks. Miss me la. I like that more. You were telling me again about the similarity. But im in denial. I refuse to be link to her. We are nothing alike. At least I don't want to admit. At this point in time I cant share my man, maybe me and you really are special. we toying with naughty idea because you say you will really miss me and I said there's time where we don't see each other even longer but you saying that's last time. This is this time.  U ask me about my meeting. I already postpone one this morning and you tease me. Who you go with. You are in demand. Only now you know. Thats what I fear. I never know about ur fear. We kept on touching n small talking with each other. I pull you aside the last minite. Surprise u with my move. That's one thing I like about you. Being spontaneous. I guess that how I like you to remember me by. Enjoy the three week long break. We'll catch up after because I really can't tell from your eyes who I am to you anymore.

I love the man that can smile in trouble, that can gather strength from distress, and grow brave by reflection.

It doesn't even seem weird; you keep on wanting me to scream out loud; say what I want out loud; you smile and laugh a lot unusually; you don't used to do that you said you happy to see me; under such weird circumstances; I just can't be happy; I should be the one staying out; not her; definitely not her; please tell her that I'm sorry. 

Choice of attention, to pay attention to this and ignore that, is to the inner life what choice of action is to the outer.

Maybe u meet her. Then next time she doesn't need to go to movie. What kind of nonsense logic is that? Have you event thought about how I feel and how she feel? I should be the one to get out. Not her. Can't u see that I think you are doing all this out of a very selfish reason? I need someone to rescue me out of this mess and you are not the one. Not the one. 

Adversity is the state in which man mostly easily becomes acquainted with himself, being especially free of admirers then.

I told you about the stress I'm facing; you siding them; making no sense; making me hate you; just hate you. 

it is very difficult to have a meaningful life without meaningful work.

That time we travelled together; that was the very last time you had that fast food after very long time; you mention you remember and i was very very surprise. 

Great hopes make great men.

你问我好吗？我向你说着那突其而来的工作压力，早以为自己已经不为所动了，原来还是有一股怒气和冲劲，有些人是不可理喻，我用你造低音吉他为例，你最后也认同，可能是为了省事，亦可能你真的站在我那边，有什么所谓呢？就是要解决问题而已，我什至忘了告诉你我新工作的事，那是后来你打电话给我才说的，妳和他的关系真令我疑惑和畏惧，不应该是我的，你只一直说开心见到我，但我怎能假装无所谓呢？我的怒气，我的冲劲，我的顽固，不应该是这样的，总觉得如果你告诉我你们之间的事就有分晓了，但你就是什么都没说。

The world needs dreamers and the world needs doers. But above all, the world needs dreamers who do

I shouldn't ve kissed u. 

Now I miss u.

Thank you for being you who are, even when I wasn't who I should have been.

I wasn't shy or being uncomfortable tonight; I simply back out; knowing that I'm going to miss you and even though I've been wanting to kiss you since we've met; you say you no longer looking for this kind of relationship; you told me you just looking for friends; but I have feelings and it changes; it's so hard to say for sure; how could I; how would I. and then I know it for sure when I kiss you in my car tonight; after the two beers and a vodka tonic. I'm going to miss you a long long time. 

Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence.

If I tell myself hard enough and long enough; Eventually all these seven years' feeling will begin to subside; It will be hidden in a place deep down my heart and then one day; only one day we will slowly talk and laugh about it as if this is someone else's story; I will tell myself hard enough to believe that.

A prudent man will think more important what fate has conceded to him, than what it has denied.

 

Just let me caress you. Because you know in the end. No matter how I struggle and resist. This is exactly what we both wanted.

As a cure for worrying, work is better than whiskey.

 原来我没有办法欺骗自己; 七年的感情不能说想忘就忘; 你一早传来问候的讯息试探着; 我当然有时间; 为你我有的是时间; 就答应了你忙完后晚点见; 九点; 闹完后决定中餐; 老地点; 你摸着我的手; 很温柔轻轻地; 我们聊着; 我需要为自己的健康调整饮食; 你给我一些劝告; 而你真忙; 几把低音吉他; 要离开三个礼拜; 和女友还不很稳定; 五月要回老家; 你在交代着似的; 我东张西望; 就只是想见你; 这样单纯而已; 在车里我又哭了; 你说真的是有很多事缠着你虽然很想见我比现在多; 其实你什么也不用说；你问我能够找一个地方吗？你家？因为我们已经不能到你那儿了；我们好像两个顽皮的小孩；但是知道的； 我们已经不能再像以前一样了； 何必呢？ 你还不明白吗？你这样会弄我很难过很难忘记你的？你又怎么能以为我会很容易就忘记你呢? 我也是一样啊； 我无言； 原来七年的感情真的不是想说忘就忘得了的； 你说今年不能再像去年一样来看我；你还说放年假前希望能再见我； 我就被你拖着走； 很不知所措； 我们到底要怎么办呢？那晚就在一条很暗很暗的后巷；在车里；情不自禁的吻了你；再一次地。

Courage is grace under pressure.

 

 

Again and again over and over. I only hear you say. Fuck me. Fuck me. Harder. That's the only time you actually asked for it. I hear it repeat in my head so loud and fuck you so hard.

What you can do, or dream you can do, begin it; boldness has genius, power and magic in it.

我要很坦白的告诉你；如果你的我很想你出自于你所谓的友好关系那你可以不必再说了这样我就不会误会了。

All that is human must retrograde if it does not advance

it's like you suddenly realize; whatever that you are longing for, looking for all along; you do not need it anymore; you've made up your mind and it really doesn't matter; so you start to shut everything down; by saying no but still with a warm heart deep down inside.

To be alive, to be able to see, to walk,...it's all a miracle.

suddenly i just do not want to care; it's taking too much; too long; 即使我这三十五年来所赋予的时间和能耐所得到的完美会在我抽了第二百六十七支烟之后完全被糟蹋我还是义无反顾毫不犹疑的坚持着我的决定。你可能会说我自私倔强但我就是这样一个人、一个人。

I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.

不再去读每日星座了；就算是短短的；就只是不想让那短短抑或长长的几句话影响任何事情；这样而已；是的；我就是一个这样没有self control  和 self confidence 的人。

Many of our fears are tissue paper thin, and a single courageous step would carry us clear through them.

05012014; 11am to 4pm; 心血来潮驾了车到了那书店；找到了一系列她的书；想着是否要找一间所谓的咖啡馆品咖啡看看书；但何必那么做作呢；自己根本就不是那一类人；就算随便在一间mamak或超旧的kopitiam就能泡足一天了；现在人真是；然后就在一个很幽静的公园的露天小餐厅抽了四根烟；喝了两壶绿茶；看了1/3本书；哭了一会儿；想想来了整整十五年原来从来都没有一个人住过； 不知道是没有这样的机会抑或根本没有给自己这样的机会；从来都不是一个怕一个人的人； 整个下午下来；整个人想东西都比较清晰了；那些爱过的不再爱的脸孔性格都已经消失得远远的；可能是时候为自己做一些事了。

“有些事，只能一个人做。有些关，只能一个人过。有些路啊，只能一个人走。” 取自“目送- 龙应台”

The battle, sir, is not to the strong alone; it is to the vigilant, the active, the brave.

3 hours in the cafe; conversation moving fast forward; things you should know in long period of time cut short within the few hours; too much information to take in; both age compatible; thought we know well what we want; he did; i didn't; i freak out; i feel the unfairness rushing in; being an emotional cripple with baggage written all over me; he couldn't sense it; he didn't even see what hit him, poor thing; he's into me; im not; case close; the end.

Courage isn't the absence of fear; it's the dealing with it.

03012014; 17:29; 05:10; it's very jam; raining even; you called; you know well you could get stuck in the city center; still you have errand to run; i didnt ask more; im glad you call as always; just happy; you can tell from my voice; you finally say you have to tell me the thing that happened sometimes soon; because you can't stand it anymore; you can't sleep at night; its keeping you up, things that on your mind; i said i can't ask and push any further if you are not willing to tell; you never get used to be calling me so frequent; you need someone to listen; to talk to; if i don't know what happen; i cant help you; let's go have a lot of beers and get drunk; we teased; then you tell me it's your fault; don't say that; it's not anyone's fault; this is the decision you made; everyone has a choice and you decided to do that; maybe way back when your mind is clear and you want to do it where it just feels right; but time and thing get tough, people change and you get shaky along the way; maybe what you need is just some courage, few beers and a friend; you say you miss me out loud; you know i will be here, right?

I will permit no man to narrow and degrade my soul by making me hate him.

02012014; 19:59; 03:36; another spot checking; 我没有不知所措； 我在想着你电话就响起来了；我不知要说什么来掩饰我的喜悦；新年快乐我说； tell me something new;  but what do you want me to say; that i miss you; i love you; that my life is so miserable without you; but even that is not something new; so; 然后你说只是想听听我的声音也想和我去唱酒；就是那样互相玩笑着；一切就那么自然；没有完全没有变过；但我也在胡乱猜测；因为你在电话的另一头有很急促收线的意味；可能只是因为她吧；but it makes sense, no? 别想太多啦。

If you have the courage to begin, you have the courage to succeed

Im on a bus on my way to college; a naked woman get on the bus and sat on somebody’s lap created a scene; then the bus stop and I step out with a guy; we both walk together towards the college and we sign in the registration form.

this is a dream.

忽然之间意识到20-27之间的自己竟然是如此的无知、天真、幼稚、一厢情愿的相信那梦幻般的爱；然后又在27-35之间一次又一次再犯着一直叫自己不要再去犯的错沉溺其中甚至上了瘾；最后转了三个大圆圈才发觉到原来应该做的就是好好一个人；好好爱自己；真的真的答应自己会为自己这样去做。爱。自。己。

im facing my beginning on my own; by myself; just be happy already! already!

happy happy new year!

I think the purpose of life is to be useful, to be responsible, to be honorable, to be compassionate.  It is, after all, to matter: to count, to stand for something, to have made some difference that you lived at all -- Leo C. Rosten (1908-1977) American Writer

We must find time to stop and thank the people who have made a difference in our lives

7 years of being with you; taught me only to accept unconventional kind of love; i feel happy deep inside with this secretly; cheers to another year of friendship and love.

Happy new year 2014!